Name: Norm Macdonald Shitting on the Royal Family
Uploaded: 2021-03-16T13:12:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Shitting on the Royal Family' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Shitting on the Royal Family' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-16. Transcript available.

Unfortunately, the radio station launched the day after Princess Diana died.
So it wasn't quite the sort of fanfare and celebration.
A bit like when Farrah Fawcett died and then it was usurped by Michael Jackson
Brown.
But the Queen murdered her.
Yes, she did. Yes, that's well known in England.
I'd like to apologize to the Queen.
According to an obscure 14th century law, British Army Captain James Hewitt
could be hanged for having an affair with Princess Diana.
The punishment for having sex with Princess Diana is death.
The punishment for having sex with Princess Anne is having sex with Princess
Anne.
In other book news, Prince Charles released an autobiography
in which he states that he never loved Princess Di
and that his father pressured him to marry her.
The book is entitled, Of Course O.J. Did It. I Mean, Come On.
Queen Elizabeth II visited Russia this week,
becoming the first English monarch to set foot in the Soviet Union.
The visit, which will last for two weeks,
is expected to have absolutely no effect on anything whatsoever.
New York City doorman Lenny Ladenhoff nearly fell over from shock
when Princess Diana confided to him that she was feeling horny
and invited him to drop by her hotel suite Thursday evening.
Way to go, Lenny!
Last week, Queen Elizabeth won 10 pounds in her country's national lottery.
However, she has no plans to quit her job as Queen of England.
Yeah, I knew.
I knew.
I knew.
I knew.
I knew.
You think I didn't know?
A blind man felt Princess Diana's face last week
and said she is the prettiest woman I've ever seen.
He then picked up a toilet plunger and said,
Thank you for this royal scepter.
I shall treasure it always.
And now a correction to a story we ran last week.
Prince Charles is actually the one in the middle.
So we apologize for that.
Well, New Yorkers were asked in a recent survey
what they thought of the new slicked-back hairdo,
Princess Di, displayed on a recent trip to the city.
38% of New Yorkers approved,
45% disapproved,
and 17% said,
You stopped me for this?
Now I'm going to shoot you.
Former British Cavalry Officer James Hewitt,
who was Lady Diana's secret lover,
says he will never, ever disclose the contents
of more than 100 love letters that she sent to him.
This, according to Hewitt's new book,
I Banged a Princess.
In England, a much-publicized videotape
of a naked Princess Diana having sex with her lover,
Captain James Hewitt,
has turned out to be a fake.
But on the bright side,
it's still a video of two naked people having sex.
The Franklin Mint has announced plans
to market a Princess Diana porcelain doll.
And the timing of the move
has made some people very unhappy.
Critics charge that the doll is in poor taste,
and they're even more upset
about the Franklin Mint's other new offering,
porcelain landmines.
You can play with them together if you want.
A Tampa businesswoman who bought several
of Princess Diana's gowns as a collector
is now putting them on display
to raise money for charity.
However, her method of display
is being described by many
as inappropriate.
Still, for four bits, you know,
it's a good deal.
Well, a sad story from Britain this week.
According to the Earl of Spencer,
several intruders have recently broken
into his family estate
in search of souvenirs
from Princess Diana's grave.
But the Earl says
he knows just how to protect the site.
Landmines!
Landmines!
Landmines!
I use my time for...
You know what I do?
I do a lot of charity work
for things that people...
I don't like arguing with people,
you know,
when they have another opinion than me.
So what I do is
I pick very popular opinions,
and then I work for those people.
Like, for instance,
there was...
You know the landmine big thing?
Princess Diana,
one of the greatest people
who ever lived,
she was against landmines.
So, tragically, she died, you know,
before her landmine crusade
really got rolling, you know?
And, of course,
it was a terrible tragedy
and everything like that.
And then she died,
and I...
So I am...
Hey, how about this?
Remember when she died
and then Elton John
wrote that song for her?
But it was the same song
that he wrote for Marilyn Monroe?
That seems like kind of a jip.
But the king's like,
Hey, man,
you wrote a song for my daughter?
I don't know if there's a king.
You wrote a song for Princess Diana?
Yes!
Well, you all ready?
She just died an hour ago.
Yeah, I wrote it.
I wrote it.
And here it is.
Oh, she lived her life
like a candle in the wind.
Wait a minute.
It sounds like that song
you wrote about Marilyn Monroe.
Well, it's a little bit.
Some of the same words.
Why did you do that?
Because they're similar
when you think about it.
Come on.
Marilyn Monroe,
she was taking crazy drugs
and promiscuous,
running around.
Man, you know,
you never knew
if she was going to live or die.
She was just living her life crazy
like a candle in the wind,
you know?
And Princess Di,
she lived in a castle.
But, you know,
they're sort of the same.
They were blonde.
I got to go.
But anyways,
I forgot what I was going to say.
Oh,
that I am very against landmines.
So I will go
and I will make,
you know,
I'll go to protests,
you know?
And I'll have a big sign
that says,
no more landmines.
Because if you don't know
about landmines,
hey,
you're educating me
about stuff tonight.
I'll educate you
a little about landmines,
you know?
Because there's
many different causes,
you know?
And landmines are terrible.
What they are is
they put them underneath
the earth
and then you step on them
and they blow you up.
So I go there
and I protest
against them.
And what's fun about it
is there's very few
counter-protesters.
You know,
there's a couple of guys
out there,
but clearly
these guys
are in the pocket
of the,
you know,
big landmine
companies in this country.
You know?
I don't mean to get
all Bill Maher
on you or anything,
but if you think
that the landmine
companies in this country
care about you,
the little person,
they don't care
about you.
They care about
blowing you up
when you're not
expecting it.
That's how they
make their money.
No.
Whatever.