Name: Norm Macdonald with the Insufferable Todd Glass
Uploaded: 2021-03-18T15:05:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald with the Insufferable Todd Glass' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald with the Insufferable Todd Glass' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-18. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald with the Insufferable Todd Glass

No, we're going to start right now.
Well, I'll tell you this.
Okay, hold on, hold on.
It's funny when you say that.
Hold on.
Okay.
He's honing his hosting skills.
I remember when Johnny Carson used to say that.
Hold on.
He sensed spontaneity and he panicked.
No, that's so true.
It's mean.
But you know what, Norm?
I'm glad that you smelled that because I'm not stupid enough to take.
I can take a criticism.
You're right.
You're trying to learn.
Well, you learn every week.
But you're right.
It just happened.
I had in my head how I was going to start the show.
But it went a different course.
And instead of just going that way, it went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, to
stop you so
I could go, we're back.
And here we go.
So anyway, what was the story?
How can I?
You're never going to.
Because we're so far past it.
It's all right.
They're all fun stories.
Everything's fun.
I'm glad you're here.
Yeah, it's fun.
We are going to get.
I got some shit I'm going to ask you.
It's going to make you crap in your pants.
And we'll take a break.
We'll be right back right after this with the Norm MacDonald.
You're taking a break?
What?
You take breaks.
The mics are off.
Don't worry.
Wait, is this King of the Road?
Let's stretch.
I could sing this song.
It's King of the Road.
Yeah.
It's in another language.
Okay, fade that out.
Are you really good at finding things quickly?
Get Roger Miller's King of the Road English version.
I'm going to point out an incredible line in it.
All right.
I like this.
You know, I like taking songs that no one knows the meaning of them.
And this first one, I don't know.
You guys might go, yeah, Todd, everybody knows that.
But I didn't know the Pina Colana song, what that meant.
Oh, yes, yes.
I just played that on something because I got them to play the whole thing on
that stupid man cow.
And he still didn't understand.
I was like, listen to this song.
Can you explain?
So for the people.
Wait, Todd, do you mean like you didn't understand the story?
I didn't understand.
No, well, most people, you just hear the.
Do you like Pina Colana?
That's all right.
They don't realize it's about adultery.
It's about a guy.
It's the strangest adultery story ever.
But here's the part with that song that I always realize.
If it did ever happen.
So for the people that don't know, let me fill them in real quick.
So basically, it's saying, you know, a guy takes an ad out.
And for the people that know, they're like, Todd.
First, he sees an ad in the paper.
And it's because he goes, me and my old lady, things were getting kind of dull.
It's like, huh?
Call her his old lady.
Yeah, that's the problem.
You call her the old lady.
No respect at all.
Hey, me and my old lady, we're having problems.
Yeah, because you're a fucking idiot.
You want to take any responsibility for this at all?
No, it's my old lady.
So if she lays sleeping, he scours the personal ads.
Oh, God.
Scouring.
It's an ugly.
So explain the song quickly.
And then he finds it one.
And the text of it is, if you like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain.
If you like something else, walking in the sand, whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's enough.
Romantic things people like, then you're like me, you know.
So he goes, ah, this is the lady for me.
You know, not this hag of a wife.
Not my old lady.
This is somebody that he really should be with.
Yeah.
As a soulmate.
They should meet.
As a soulmate.
So then he goes, well, I'll put an ad in the paper.
I don't know why.
He could have just phoned the number.
But he put an ad the next week that said, hey, I like pina coladas.
He answered her.
Right.
I like walks in the rain.
And then basically what it says is, we decided to meet on O'Malley's, we would
meet.
And then it says, I saw her.
And who was it?
It was my wife.
It was my lovely lady.
Now she's a lovely lady.
Yeah.
Yeah, he got nervous, didn't he, when he fucking saw her.
Now it was my lovely lady.
And she looked at me.
And then their reaction is the funniest.
They start laughing.
Yes.
That's all what we just went through.
It's worth that I wanted to talk about what you just said.
Yes.
Think about what happened that night.
Like, if that really did happen, well, basically you could say it's a love
story about two people
that realize the person you're meant to be with, you're with.
No, no, but he also says, he goes, and then I said, I didn't know you like pina
coladas.
How this fucking, how this escaped him for the fucking 30 years he's been with
his old lady.
He never took a vacation near a bar.
Getting caught in the rain.
So there's that.
That explains that song.
So did you find the other version that he was looking for?
Okay, so it's, you can speed it, you can play it in about the middle.
You know, trailer sale for, we could just play it.
It comes up.
Don't pay no union dues.
I smoke old stokies.
Don't pay no union dues.
What's more free than that?
It's true.
So, you know, it's about, he lives on a train.
He's king of the road.
King of the road.
Now here, listen to this.
I know every inch of them will never be trained.
All their children and all of their names.
He knows all of their children and all of their names in the town where he just
showed up on a train.
That's not true, probably.
It's just really disturbing.
Like, I can understand he knows every engineer and we can get a free meal, you
know.
But now all of a sudden.
Every lady.
He knows every child's name and where they live.
So the police would go, were you in, you know, were you in town last week?
Like, well, a boy's body was found in a third boxcar four miles down.
What's his name?
He had to have been leaving a lot of child corpses along the way.
When he knew their name, the names and where they lived.
He knew where they lived.
I got to share something with you.
I watched Byron Allen's Comics Unleashed last night.
Oh, yes.
You did that show, right?
I did.
Did he call you personally?
No, I don't know why I did.
I think I was with Jamie Massoud and he told me, hey, you want to go?
I just went to watch and then they said, oh, you want $208?
So, but I went on.
First of all, you've never seen comics more leashed in your life.
But the funny thing was he has no...
Real quick, Andy Kindler says, I think the show should be called Comics on a
Tight Choker.
Exactly.
Now back to Norm.
So, Byron Allen, he doesn't do like...
He just gets everybody's jokes and he hardly listens to them.
And then he has no segues.
So, it was me, Wendy Liebman, Robert Schimmel and somebody else.
So, Robert Schimmel gets the first question.
It's like, oh, I understand you have cancer.
It's all said in the same.
It's all said in the same.
Like, he doesn't even know what he's saying.
And so, Schimmel goes, yeah, cancer.
The thing is, I was with my daughter-in-law at the time.
And meanwhile...
I heard you had cancer.
Meanwhile, my ex-wife is on the...
You know, I'm fucking the niece, you know?
And my ex-wife comes home and all that shit.
And then so he goes to me, he goes, Norm, I understand you bought a doll.
But the greatest thing he said was like three...
Because they tape like 12 a day.
Oh, my God.
And he makes a million dollars.
But they had...
John Lovitz was his guest.
It was like the greatest segway I ever heard in my fucking entire life.
Byron Allen turns to John Lovitz and he goes,
So, John, I understand you're getting older.
I saw him once say...
That's the greatest line I've ever heard.
I understand you're growing older.
Well, I am actually growing older.
And then they told her older joke.
I saw him literally ask somebody once,
So, what's your thing with Ferris wheels?
Now, come on.
Can't you say, what do you do with your kids in the summer?
Well, we bring them...
What you're basically saying is,
We don't have a half a second to get there gracefully.
So, if we ask one question...
Why does he have to say anything?
Why do you just make a deal?
Cut to me for five seconds and then I point.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, here's the least we figured out that he could set somebody up.
Giving it less than he already does.
So, Daniel, now you like to talk.
That's great.
So, listen to this the other night.
Now, listen.
Now, Daniel, I understand you like jokes.
Say it.
Telling jokes.
I do.
You know, it's funny because...
You have bits about subject?
You got bits and pieces?
I got bits and pieces.
So, what are we talking about?
Talking about Byron Allen.
Byron Allen.
So, oh, yeah.
The other night on the show, he has a joke.
Now, I'm willing to...
Like, I really want to like...
I don't want to not be, you know, like, you know, make fun of somebody for...
Maybe their comedy's dated because, you know, maybe you respect them and it
sort of became
dated.
You don't say anything.
When he was 16, he went on the...
He was the youngest guy ever going on the tonight show.
Yeah, yeah.
So, you have a level of, you know what?
That's comedy was...
You know, whatever.
But then when they do a joke like this, it's hard not to tease him.
He goes on and he makes a joke about it.
He goes, yeah, I'm at the payphone.
I'm like, oh, my God.
Okay, you held on to the joke.
There's still some payphones you could do the joke, right?
So, you think if you have a team of writers, not one of them talked him out of
this joke.
It made it on the air.
That means there's a...
Or they're not telling him the truth.
Right.
It's one or the other.
Or they're shitty writers.
Okay, here's the joke that gets on to the show.
So, he goes...
So, he had to do his payphone joke.
I get it.
But then he doesn't even think to update what it cost.
He goes, she was going to send me a dime back in the mail.
Dime?
When did you record this?
1970?
You're taking...
Come on.
Someone on the staff goes...
Has to be...
To say, hey, hey, hey.
Make that joke like $0.35.
So, you'll update it a little and get a laugh with them all you write.
No, no.
That made it on to the air.
So, and then he goes, so the lady said she'll mail it to me.
Oh, you know in the jokes you see them coming before they deliver the punchlines?
Man, there's something wrong.
Yeah, sometimes you have to...
When I'm finishing it for you.
Well, then maybe it's not that great of a thought if I can get to it before you
can.
There's probably something wrong when you're watching Byron Allen.
It's bad in the premise when your first word is remember.
Like, you know what I mean?
You're like, remember that guy?
18 years ago.
Anyway, sometimes they make up something.
They're doing a TV movie on him anyway.
Then they do their 18-year-old joke.
Oh, right, right.
Right.
Right.
Hey, today's the 20th anniversary of, did you guys remember Lorena Bobbitt?
I couldn't even get that out.
You have to say the whole thing that happened with Lorena Bobbitt for people
who don't remember.
Yeah.
Well, what are you going to do, right?
What are you going to do, huh?
All right.
Hey, you want to hear something that's...
What, do you got a question?
Hey, ask any question you want.
You know the questions?
I hope you don't mind I'm saying this, Norm.
Yes.
You know, sometimes you meet somebody, you have a question, but you're afraid
it might be not the coolest question to ask.
I know you got seven of those, Daniel.
Yeah, can I go?
Can I go?
Sure.
I don't even know if it's all right, but I'm saying yes.
What if the first one is, what's it like to be on TV?
My favorite talk show moment of all time.
You probably have heard this a million times.
The Conan O'Brien carrot top joke.
Oh, yeah.
That was one of the funniest things.
Well, I feel bad.
One of my favorite things.
I actually feel bad about that a lot.
Oh, I...
Yeah.
I don't like to talk about it because it, again, like...
Well, can I just...
Makes fun of something.
And since it wasn't my intention when I did it, because it wasn't why I went...
It was when I was on panel and other people were talking.
To me, it's not because of the joke.
It's because of the speed at which you came up with the whole thing.
I just admired how fast you did it, and it was just...
Oh, that's nice.
It has nothing to d