Name: Don't Invite a Comedian to an Award Show
Uploaded: 2021-04-03T04:48:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don't Invite a Comedian to an Award Show' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don't Invite a Comedian to an Award Show' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-03. Transcript available.

Don't Invite a Comedian to an Award Show

And now, here's your host, the star of ABC's Norm, Norm MacDonald.
All right. Wow, this is exciting. Thank you and welcome to the American Music
Awards. This is exciting.
I'm not actually in music, so let me introduce myself to those of you who don't
know me.
I'm Norm MacDonald. For those of you not familiar with me, thank you very much.
I am the biological child of Melissa Etheridge and Norm Crosby.
So if you want to...
Well, that's the big story in music news right now.
Melissa Etheridge asked her friend David Crosby to be the biological father of
her children.
And, you know, this was a new experience for David Crosby.
Usually when David Crosby picks up a turkey baster, there's a turkey in the
vicinity.
He's a fat guy.
But this is the 27th Annual American Music Award.
It's the first American Music Award of the new millennium.
And we're setting a...
Yeah, very exciting.
Very exciting.
Now, we're setting a big record here tonight.
Three straight hours of ABC programming without Regis.
So that's kind of exciting.
You know?
You know, before I did this show, I never realized how much work it took to put
on a production like this.
Check it out.
They spent two months building all these incredible sets.
They had to coordinate 14 live music acts.
And most of the impress of all, they had to find a seat filler for Jennifer
Lopez.
She's got a...
What the fuck?
What was that?
Now, maybe you guys are right.
Maybe she doesn't have a gigantic ass.
I stand corrected.
Well...
It's been quite a year in music, though.
Let's look back.
A lot of classic songs have been covered this year, haven't they?
Lenny Kravitz did American Woman.
Dwight Yoakam did Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
And Barry Manilow released an album entitled Manilow Sings Sinatra.
And I'll tell you, it is a great CD, or as I like to call it, it is a great
coaster.
I like to put my...
I like to throw my drinks on that.
It's not a good CD at all.
And you know that everyone's so obsessed with their careers nowadays in music,
you know what I mean?
Here's kind of a nice story.
Celine Dion is retiring from music to try to start a family, you know?
And I think she's serious about it, because I just saw her backstage chasing
David Crosby with a bucket and a copy of Swank.
So, I think she's serious about it.
Well, we've got a big show, so let's get it going.
Here are our first presenters.
As Dr. Fraser Crane, he's achieved stardom in TV.
And with hits like Come to My Window and Angels Would Fall, she's achieved stardom
in music.
But they have one thing in common.
They both love the ladies.
Please welcome Melissa Etheridge and Kelsey Grammer.
You put it in the, you put the juice in the thing, you juice in there, and then
you squeeze it out, and you bake it at about $3.50 for about four, oh, $6.50.
Hi!
Name Shadesi comes from the Native American word for my sisters.
It's kind of like that other Native American band, Chumbawamba, which means
thanks for that one song.
Ladies and gentlemen, Shadesi right now.
Okay, folks, before we continue, I have an announcement from the management.
Would the owner of a Glock 9 with the inscription, Too Puffy With Love, please
pick up your gun.
It's at the hospitality suite.
Well, 1999 was a big year for Latin musicians.
And Atlanta Braves pitcher, John Rocker, thinks they all suck.
He especially hates our next performer and has never bought any of his 13
consecutive number one Latin singles or any of his 17 million albums he sold.
So if you're watching now, John Rocker would be a good time to hit the can.
For the rest of us, here he is, Enrique Iglesiae.
That's a coincidence because I did that song in a karaoke bar the other night.
That's one of my favorite songs.
I was just talking to Dre backstage.
I don't know if he's a real doctor, but he did prescribe me some stuff.
And that leads us to our first special merit award of the night.
Ladies and gentlemen, for nearly 30 years, our next presenter toured the
country with his band, The Grateful Dead,
playing guitar to sold-out arenas of tie-dyed hippies.
That's right.
Please welcome the late, great Andy Garcia.
Well, I'll tell you, it's nice to be back on stage out here.
You know, I don't want to say my dressing room is small, but Tommy Lee just
dropped by to visit.
He shook hands with Carmen Electra.
He blew out a wall.
He's got to hear it anyway.
I didn't know the Judds were back together.
Did you know that?
I just saw them.
I just saw the Judds backstage.
Yeah, your big Judds fans?
I just saw the Judds backstage chasing David Crosby around with six mason jars
and a ham sandwich tied on a fishing pole.
I don't know what it means.
Our next presenters are talented young stars who became overnight sensations
with their brilliant debut albums.
And if I could take this moment to offer a little friendly advice,
kids, whatever you do, when you put out your second albums, don't suck.
Yeah, Savage Garden.
That was great.
They didn't seem as savage tonight as usual to me, but that might just be me.
You know, folks, it's time for our next presenters.
And for a long time, there's been a rivalry between West Coast rappers and East
Coast saxophone players.
But tonight, they have put their differences aside.
To be here, please welcome Warren G. and Kenny G.
Our next performers took their name from the nickname of their home state.
They picked Lone Star because the other nickname for Texas was already taken by
that other band, Alabama.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lone Star!
Well, you all know our next two presenters.
When he was on the show Silver Spoons, he went by the name of Ricky.
But now he's all grown up on NYPD Blue, and he prefers to be called Big Ricky.
She is an exceptionally gifted singer and songwriter by the name of Amy Grant.
Although she also prefers to be called Big Ricky, oddly enough.
Ladies and gentlemen, big hand for Big Ricky Schroeder and Big Ricky Grant!
Yeah!
Too bad Ricky Martin won.
The other two people were here.
Well, our next group has had a song on the top of the rock charts for 18 weeks.
In fact, they had four number one singles off their debut album, My Own Prison.
That's more than talent.
That's pure dumb luck.
Here they are!
Creed!
Well, tonight we brought together three of the hottest top ten singers, and we
put them
together on this stage to participate in a bare-knuckle fight to the death.
Here are Tyrese, Jessica Simpson, and Julio Iglesias Jr.
It's getting more and more exciting.
Getting exciting backstage, too.
I tell you, all the big stars back there.
You know who I just met backstage?
I met, uh, old, dirty, bastard, and...
Yeah.
Charming couple, the Bastard.
It was, uh, old, dirty, and...
Dirty and Fern Bastard.
Very nice.
Anyway, it's time for our next presenters.
You know, the biggest stars in comedy are recognized by just their first names.
That's right.
Johnny, Lucy, Rodney.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Bill Maher and Caroline Ray.
Well, this is it.
The last award of the night.
That's right.
In about five minutes, everybody here is going to be at a big party, and in
five minutes,
I'm going to, uh, I'm going to collect my $200 paycheck and get my soothing
back rub
from Dick Clark.
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The back rub was the deal breaker.
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