Name: Norm Macdonald Funny Stand Up
Uploaded: 2021-04-07T20:46:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Funny Stand Up' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Funny Stand Up' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-07. Transcript available.

Maybe I had a hard, bad time in it.
How's Tilsenberg?
Tilsenberg? Goddamn, my back still aches when I hear that word.
But, uh...
Anyways, I'm in America, and, uh...
Maybe we can figure out one by the end of the show.
We got the smokestacks and the Thai cats and...
Good old Hamlet.
Thai cats.
Thai cats.
Hey, there's Howie Meeker doing the play-by-play.
He was before old Don Cherry and night-time gloving.
But, uh...
Howie Meeker, of course, would not do Thai cats.
Because that's not hockey.
But, uh...
Listen...
Let's go to the prepared text.
There's no prepared text.
But I have...
I've written some words down on this piece of paper.
Because Steve brings a goddamn fucking computer out.
And then he got me nervous.
I'm like, what if I forget everything?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Computers...
Listen...
That's smarter than a computer.
I...
You see where they, uh...
Played Jeopardy against a computer?
Do you see that fucking thing?
And then...
So, it's a computer, right?
His name is Watson.
He goes by the name of Watson.
Anyways...
So, he plays two human beings.
And then everybody's fucking surprised when the computer wings.
I thought it was going to be that guy who worked at the hat factory.
That guy...
That guy seemed pretty smart.
Even their anecdotes.
You know, Alex Trebek's like,
"Well, Watson, do you have a funny story for us?"
And he's like,
"Yeah, one time, uh...
Oscar Wilde went up to George Bernard Shaw."
And the next guy's like,
"Ah, fuck.
This sounds like another good one."
I was going to tell my one about that fellow who took the wrong hat that day.
You can't be no fucking computer.
What do you...
They know everything in the world.
Dirty stuff on the computer.
Like computer pornography.
I would advise you not to.
On account of, uh...
It's, uh...
I don't know.
I think it changes you.
Fundamentally changing.
Because...
You're just a regular fella.
And then...
You're fucking looking at this stuff.
And then, first...
Because I only got turned into it about a couple years ago.
I was late to the game, but...
I couldn't fucking believe what I was saying.
First of all...
There's thousands upon thousands.
And you never see the same girl twice.
That's the weird thing.
You go, "Good Lord, is every girl a whore?"
I've never met a lady like this in my life.
Where do they live?
I don't fucking know.
And they're just...
With some fat guy with a big belly.
I don't know.
But anyways...
And then you get desensitized to it too, you know?
That's what happens after a while.
Because at first you can't stay.
Ah, you're wagging up six times a day.
After a while, you get...
You know, like they say in the big books...
Desensitized.
I don't know if you've ever read those big books.
That's a word they enjoy putting in them.
And what that means is...
You're washing it and you're like...
Ah, man.
She's only taking six cocks up her ass.
Why'd she get into business if she was giving such a prude?
I'll find something else.
I'll find a worse thing a human can do to another human.
But I need to, you know?
You don't want to reach that stage.
Then you've got to pull away and try to be a civilized human again.
Man.
Enough filth.
What I was going to say about America is that when you go there from Canada to
live...
You realize things are important like...
Like everybody got a fucking opinion about it.
You guys...
That guy's like fucking...
Whatever.
But...
Everybody got an opinion.
You know?
And in Canada...
I grew up...
And I didn't really have like opinions and stuff like that.
You know?
And I think it's because...
This is my Canadian nature not to...
Like...
Because things are very important in the United States.
Like elections and stuff like that.
You vote for the wrong guy...
He could blow up the fucking world.
So that's because they got a red phone.
They don't have a red phone.
They're not going to give Canada a fucking red phone.
But...
So there.
It's a very important decision.
Who you vote for.
And here when you vote, you know?
It's always like...
Who are you going for?
I don't know.
I think I like that guy that wants to build that bridge.
I'd like to see a bridge over the...
So it's not going to be that consequential one way or the other.
And then also...
You don't even get to vote for the fucking top guy.
You just vote for your...
The fucker lives down the street.
So...
Then he's in Parliament, you know?
And he's like...
Hey, what about that bridge?
And they're like...
Shut the fuck up!
What about that goddamn bridge?
Why the fuck would we care about your...
Your riding?
We don't care about your riding.
But...
But in the States...
People are very, very into opinions, you know?
And everybody's got one, you know?
And...
I don't know when that started, because...
Like...
I know...
Virtually nothing.
You know?
And...
So I...
You know...
I daren't have an opinion on most things.
Because I don't want to be wrong, you know?
And...
But people ask...
Oh, can I...
Like one guy come up to me and he's like...
Hey!
What are you...
What's your opinion on stem cell research?
So I'm like...
Me?
That's an interesting question.
I'll tell you what...
Why I go to science school for ten years...
And then I'll come back here...
Here...
We'll meet here...
On this very spot...
A decade hence...
And I will...
Jot it down in your century at a glance...
We'll meet right here...
And I will tell you what those three words mean...
I don't know...
I just talked into this thing...
I don't know anything...
But I'll see you next time...
I'll see you next time...
I'll see you next time...