Name: Norm Macdonald Live's Funniest Moments
Uploaded: 2021-05-02T22:51:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live's Funniest Moments' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Live's Funniest Moments' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-02. Transcript available.

Yeah, do you know Nikki Cox?
Yeah. She's still with Jay?
She's with Jay Moore.
Yeah, yeah.
But when she was on my TV show,
she was with Bobcat Goldthwait.
Oh, that's right.
Yeah.
I'm not a skilled interviewer, let's fucking face it.
I'm not a skilled...
What do you think is wrong-er?
Wrong?
More wrong. What do you think is more wrong?
Having sex with a child,
a human being,
or an adult pig?
Like, you've got to do one.
That's the option. You've got to do one, yeah.
You're on a deserted island.
But do you actually think
that they would like a man's sperm?
A human... A human being's sperm?
A woman? Who?
A woman. A woman would like a man's sperm?
Well, yeah, she's been biologically programmed
for millennia. In her mouth?
But in your mouth, isn't that stuff like living?
Isn't that...
Like those animals?
Little tiny tadpoles or something?
I didn't know it was going to have to get this deep.
All right, then.
Are you doing this to be a funny thing,
or do you really have to kind of feel...
No, I feel that I have an oral fixation.
You know about that.
I don't have that, by the way.
I don't like sucking cock.
You don't like sucking cock?
I don't like sucking cock.
I mean, I have done it.
Yeah, I wouldn't like it.
You know why I wouldn't like it?
Why?
Aren't those animals?
Like, inside the cum?
Like, I remember...
The sperm, you mean?
Sperm.
Yeah.
So, to me, like, it's a bunch of animals and stuff.
But you remind me of a guy that's good at fucking.
I love it.
Fucking and sucking.
Let's say you had an exact twin.
Uh-huh.
Now, Mary, Willard, your wife...
Oh, here we go.
There could be a lot of...
Wouldn't you go like...
How do you not find him attractive?
Do you know what I mean?
That's true.
He looks exactly like me.
Yeah.
And he's much better at sucking and fucking.
No, no.
No, no.
I only smoke pot four times a week.
You're just saying it casually.
They're like, "You smoke more than that."
All right, relax.
What are you afraid?
I'm not admitting I'm like you.
Four times a week seems like a lot to me.
I smell...
Does it really?
A little, yeah, but...
Well, it's all relative.
It's all relative, yeah.
Yeah, as long as it's not hurting anybody.
Yeah.
But it doesn't...
As long as it's not hurting anybody.
But what about the audience?
The stand-up audience?
Well, go...
So, back...
They...
Aren't they the real victims?
What's your dream view?
You mean...
The show, the view?
Yeah.
The guests?
What four or five ladies would you want in there?
Ooh, that's a great question.
Susan Yagwood.
Susan Yagwood?
That's your wife.
You didn't even recognize her name.
That's your...
It's your betrothed.
My betrothed.
I was...
I had moved up from San Diego.
Oh.
I was like, come, move up.
And then I had no place to live.
Oh.
So I slept in my truck for like three nights.
And I slept at the parking lot at the comedy store.
Oh, wow.
And I had no money.
And I was broke.
Both?
Yeah.
You hungry?
I go...
I'm hungry.
I'm broke.
And I have no money.
What do you think?
I'm hungry.
Plus, I want some food.
Do you feel you have white privilege?
Uh...
Uh...
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
Yeah.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer that question.
I'm not allowed to answer those questions.
Being an old white guy with extra money.
Your great special that is on Netflix now.
Yeah.
Straight white male, 60.
Young people won't like old people.
When I was a kid, I got involved with Al Jolson.
You know, when they brought --
Oh, old Mary, what?
No, no, not back in his 1920s.
I was just a kid when the jazz singer came out.
Charlie Fox, he wrote the theme music to Happy Days, The Love Boat.
He wrote just about everything.
He must make a heck of a lot of money.
I'm going to ask him something.
How much do you make?
What did Norman Lear say to that?
What?
I say, what would Norman Lear say to that?
Who's that?
Fuck!
And now the whole set went quiet, and you hear people go,
"Santa just said fuck.
Santa just said fuck."
And all these kids froze, and then they had a Disney guy.
He said, "Fuke."
"Fuke."
It's a Swedish word.
It means take a break.
We're supposed to take a break.
So he thought when you said, "Take a break,"
that I would go, "Speaking of taking a break."
Yeah.
David Letterman.
Yeah.
David Letterman.
Apparently he's going to do this show.
Really?
Oh, my God.
That would be amazing.
And every actual talk show host will kill themselves.
The other news.
I love Mary Tyler Moore.
And I know you were on her TV program.
And then when she was your guest, there was this incredible chemistry.
And was there ever anything romantic with her?
I mean, she must have been -- she must have been very desirable.
Did you ever lay down on top of her, I guess?
I don't know.
I'm trying to --
Now, wait a minute.
You bring up a good point, Norm.
The first one of the day.
Now, you have a show for 33 years.
You know, every day, you know?
Mm-hmm.
You do that every day.
Yeah, yeah.
And then -- so the show ends.
And then that night.
What do you think?
You think about tomorrow's show?
No.
It's funny because, as you must know, the human neuromuscular skeletal system
is easily programmed.
And after two or three --
Sure, I knew that.
And so after --
As soon as you said that first word.
You could executive produce a show with Sebastian Mancow as the star.
I could do that.
Yeah.
And --
Well, what fun is that, though?
Where's the fun part for me?
Oh, no.
There's no fun for you.
There's no fun for me.
No, that's true.
It's -- well, but what's the fun for you in giving a homeless guy spraying a
handful of quarters
and watching him dodge in and out of traffic?
No, but I --
So there's no bars like the same way as there were gay bars when gays were --
I couldn't go there?
Oh, of course not.
Can't you see that?
I forgot.
Yeah, you and me hanging out at the trans bar.
I just don't -- you know, I don't think it's going to work.
No.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's true.
Yeah, that's true.
Wait, I haven't come out yet.
Oh, that's a --
I am firmly on the side of womanhood now, but I am not a woman.
Nor will I ever be.
Three sentences later.
I use the woman's restroom because I am a woman.
I change my gender.
I'm a versatility to female because I am a woman.
So there's a little confusion there, right?
Not for me.
What's wrong with that?
Well, here it says I am not a woman.
Here it says I am a --
I always get anxious when I'm on a plane and I see a much bigger celebrity than
me.
And I think, well, if this goes down --
Is that almost every flight?
I'm going to be like small print almost every flight, yeah.
All right.
We'll be back in a second.
Unfortunately, the radio station launched the day after Princess Diana died.
So it was quite -- it wasn't quite the sort of fanfare and celebration.
Bit like when Farrah Fawcett died and then it was usurped by Michael Jackson.
But the Queen murdered her.
Yes, she did.
Yes, that's well known in England, yeah.
I'd like to apologize to the Queen.
England's not doing well financially.
Right.
Can't you get a -- you call them your mates?
Mm-hmm.
They're friends.
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody else in the world.
They call them mates.
Sure.
Get a couple of dozen of your mates and go down to that Buckingham Palace and
kill the old bag.
Yeah.
To what end?
Smutty.
Right.
Are you an old sea captain?
What is this shtick that you -- because I'm pretty sure -- I've watched some of
these other
editions of the show and I'm pleased -- I'm pleased to see that I've broken
from the rule of
only having white blokes on the show, which seems to be --
Yeah, yeah.
You only have white men and Roseanne.
Because it's supposed to be a comedy.
Right, right, right.
But --
It's supposed to be.
It's supposed to be.
It's allegedly.
I still, you know, feel that -- I still feel in my heart, you know, and I can
only go
by my heart, you know what I mean?
I'm not a person that goes by my brain.
I just go by my heart -- that Bill Hader is ultimately unknowable.
Yes.
That's true.
What do you think?
I don't know.
Okay.
I don't know.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
I'll see you next time.
Bye.