Name: Fall Asleep to Norm Macdonald's Advice
Uploaded: 2021-05-14T20:13:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Norm Macdonald's Advice' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-14. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fall Asleep to Norm Macdonald's Advice' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-14. Transcript available.

Fall Asleep to Norm Macdonald's Advice

Do you remember when you said this?
Note to self, making love to blow up doll, not as good as advertised.
No.
Oh, sorry.
Must have gone too far there.
Let's take calls here.
It's Love Line.
Norm MacDonald is here.
I'm Stryker and Dr. Drew.
It's 1-800-LOVE-191 out in Utah.
Mickey, you're 23.
What's happening?
Hey, guys.
How's it going?
Good.
Hey, happy late birthday, Dr. Drew.
Thanks, Mickey.
What's happening, buddy?
Not too much.
Hey, Stryker, how much do you want to make a bet I could build a football over
them mountains?
Very good.
Very, very good.
Napoleon Dynamite.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
A quick question.
After sex, I take like a day to recover, but I've had some guys take like an
hour.
What do you mean, recover?
Before I can have sex again.
Yeah, I mean, you're 23.
Most 18-year-olds take like 30 to 60 minutes.
In your mid-20s, that starts to lengthen a bit.
A whole day, you mean just to get an erection?
No, before you can perform again, basically, right?
Oh, yeah.
A day at the most.
Sometimes it's, you know...
Is it before you're interested again or before you could possibly again?
Before I'm interested again.
All right.
Well, that's just you.
Well, I mean, what difference does it make?
I don't know.
Can you speed it up?
Well, why would you want to have more sex when you don't want to have more sex?
Right, when you're satisfied.
Because maybe his lady likes it in the morning and in the night.
Well, if you're going to do things for other people, then...
How dare you?
...live your life that way.
Being of service.
Oh, my God.
I guess you could try Viagra, Drew, if he wants to speed it up.
Yeah, yeah, but then that doesn't increase the interest that much.
It just increases the potential.
But the product below the equator is going to rise.
It's going to rise, Drew.
I think that, you know, with that Viagra commercial,
I think one of the most depressing things would be if you went to your doctor
and he told you you weren't in good enough shape to have sex.
Yeah.
It's got to be sad.
That's not good.
Is that possible that you can...
That's what they say on the commercial.
Oh, is that right?
Yeah, they say check with your doctor to make sure you're in good enough
physical condition.
Oh, my goodness.
To run around on a lady.
And one thing they point out, they say in the commercial,
if your erection lasts six hours or longer, you should see a doctor.
Yeah, because of priapism.
Yeah, that's one of the side effects.
But is that bad if you have an erection?
You can use it, though.
No, no, no.
No, it's a painful erection.
The tissue begins to die.
The blood is trapped.
Yes.
They must cut a vein.
Does this happen to you, Dr. McDonald?
No, I know a lot about medical stuff.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but...
You kind of one.
No, I'm very, very cautious, Dr. Drew, because people call me
a hypochondriac.
Once I had a pap smear, you know, but not as a joke.
I have to identify it as a joke.
But I'm very, very cautious.
Yeah.
When people call me a hypochondriac, I go to the Mayo Clinic every year.
Lisa, 25.
Dr. 25, what's going on?
Hi, Dr. Drew.
Hey, Lisa.
I wanted to know if it's possible to tear your clitoris.
Norm?
Well, Norm recently had a pap smear.
Did you ask the doctor that?
Yeah.
Tear your clitoris?
Now, is this you tearing it or your boyfriend being very rough down there,
pulling it apart?
Or do you have a piercing and get caught on something?
No, it was actually when I was younger, I was masturbating.
With what, a stapler?
No.
What did you do?
No, with my finger, I was, I guess, pulling on my clitoris, and I heard
something, not
like snap, but make a noise.
And, you know, ever since then, you know, as I've gotten older, it doesn't seem
right.
Like, right sensation.
Sometimes when I get aroused, it's painful.
I don't think that, I doubt that has much to do with it.
Of course, it's soft tissue, and you can tear it like any tissue.
However, there's reports of women, like, having that clitoris is removed in
these weird cultures
that do this stuff, and they still can have sexual functioning.
Really?
So, yeah, so it's a pretty hard area to damage to the point that it affects
your function.
One episode of masturbating probably is not causing, one horrible episode,
apparently,
when she heard something snap at the clitoris.
I've never heard that expression.
Snap.
Snap.
No, I mean, it sounds crazy, but, I mean, I actually heard something, you know,
almost like
a snap noise.
What were you doing?
Like when Joe Theismann heard his knee pop out.
But what were you doing?
You heard when your clitoris snapped out.
I need to know what you, I mean, I don't need to know, but I'm just curious.
Well, I mean, is it normally like, is your clitoris like a loop?
I mean, I...
Yours, Drew, is a loop?
Well, kind of a loop, so, you know, sort of under the hood.
Because now, I mean, it feels like, I don't even know how to explain it, like
there's, you
know, two ends, like it's not connected in the middle.
Oh, she should get that looked at.
Like a snake's tongue?
No, no.
Definitely have the doctor look at it.
I doubt that you pulled the clitoris free of the nerve and blood supply.
If that's what you're thinking.
Can I imagine it just dangling by one little thread?
Yeah, that's not what you did.
Okay.
Does it work?
Okay.
Does it work?
Well, yeah, I mean, I can still, you know, get off, but, you know, well, I can
get myself
off.
I've only encountered one guy that could actually get me off.
That's not good.
That's weird.
That's interesting.
I heard, do you know, do you know why girls use these two fingers?
The first and second finger.
Yeah, the index and third.
Use these two fingers to achieve the best climax.
Why?
Because they're mine.
That's good.
Is there a special thing they do, those two?
No, I've never found one.
He doesn't have his own CD coming out September 12th for nothing called Norm
MacDonald.
Ridiculous.
I've never found a clitoris.
I don't even think I can find a guy's testicles if I try.
How about the young man that came to your apartment?
What?
Never.
He was drunk.
Oh, that guy.
That guy, yeah, the handsome 21-year-old.
Jordan, 15.
Where are you, in Boise?
No, actually in Weezer.
In Weezer, okay.
Out in Idaho.
What's going on?
I play football and stuff.
Yeah.
And, uh, yeah, I, uh, got cleated down there, and I think I, uh...
On your foot?
That's just a bit right here in your first act.
I got cleated in my nuts.
Just say that line and say you're from Weezer, Idaho.
You're fine.
Cleated in your nuts, yeah.
And I think I popped my testicle.
Well, that's actually very, very serious.
Why didn't you have that checked out?
Well, I kind of went to the doctor, and he didn't do anything.
Did it swell up?
No, not really, but it really hurts.
And that was a week ago.
Do you get erections normally?
Um, kind of.
All right.
You probably didn't fracture it, but you can.
You probably did if he gets kind of erections.
No, because usually when you fracture it, it swells,
and the rectum shuts down completely, and, uh, for a little while, anyway.
And the problem with the fractured testicle, it dies.
So you need to have what's called an ultrasound done on the testicle
to see if it's intact.
Can they bring it back to life?
No.
Well, there's things they can do sometimes.
Well, I mean, I think, I know baseball catchers get them crushed
and have to get them removed.
Yeah, then they remove them if they're totally smushed.
But sometimes they just fracture, and they kind of get them back going again.
Gina, San Francisco, what's going on?
You're on Love Line.
Hi, how you doing?
Good.
Okay, well, first off, I want to say I absolutely love Norm MacDonald.
You are awesome.
Oh, thank you, Gina.
And I've had a crush on you for a really long time.
Good Lord.
It's a little unseemly for this type of program.
What's that?
Nothing.
I was just kidding.
That's very flattering.
Thank you.
You have a very sexy voice.
Wow.
She keeps going.
Engaging.
Hey, any kind of Francisco, baby.
Anyhow.
If you're not a 21-year-old boy in New York, he ain't coming with you.
What are you doing?
I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm just kidding.
Gina, he looks really good tonight, too.
He's got kind of that 5 o'clock shadow beard going on.
Comfortable hat on.
Very comfortable hat, a sweatshirt.
He's drinking his coffee.
He's kind of, it looks like he's doing a commercial for Folgers or something.
Worst phone sex ever.
So what's up, my dear?
They're outsourcing the phone sex now.
You're a phone.
You get them Indian ladies?
I would be happy to do something to your penis if you would tell me what to do,
sir.
Oh, well, anyhow.
So my question, and maybe Norm could give me some advice on this.
Oh, yeah.
And you could read this perhaps, but...
Is it about sex?
Yeah.
All right.
Bring it on.
Okay.
Well, there's a gentleman that I kind of see.
I really like him.
But he won't go downtown, if you know what I'm saying.
I know exactly what you're saying.
A lot of the listeners probably don't understand such a veiled reference, but...
Why won't he?
Definitely require.
I require this.
Why does he not like it?
I asked him, and he said the texture.
And, you know, that's A-OK, but he's, like, you know, a few years older than me.
That's a reason not to eat eggplant.
That's not a reason...
Or peanut butter.
Yeah, it's not a reason not to help your girlfriend.
But the question is, do you go down on him?
Yeah.
Well, why don't you tell him, look, dude, I'm done doing that unless you
reciprocate
and get in the ballgame downtown there.
Because I kind of like it.
But why, uh...
Why, uh...
What's your boyfriend's name, Gina?
John Lovitz.
Now, why should he?
Maybe he finds it disgusting.
Oh, nice.
Well, I mean, it's certainly not a natural thing to do, is it?
What?
Well, it's a made-up thing.
Somebody made it up.
Well, it's been made up for a while, don't you think?
Well, but it's not intercourse.
So, like, what if he wanted anal sex from you?
Um, that...
Okay, let me explain myself a little bit more, because clearly...
She's down for everything, I think.
I'm a little bit more of a freak than he is.
Like, everything, anywhere, everywhere.
Oh, yeah.
Um, you still like me?
Yeah, my God.
First time I have.
But, Gina, here's the deal.
Are you gay, Norm, by the way?
Anyways, um...
Gina, Gina, Gina.
Calm down with you.
Hey, hey, Gina.
Slow down.
So, I mean...
Gina, hold on one second.
Slow down.
Hold on.
Slow down.
Go ahead, Drew.
Go ahead, Drew.
Uh, Stryker gave me the answer a while ago.
I know you like going down on him, but you actually can coerce him by saying,
okay, you
don't want to do this?
I don't want to do that.
That's it.
You know, you have the power, and if he won't do this, I, you know, it's, it's
only really
a relationship.
What?
She's still talking.
Oh, Gina, quiet.
It's only really a relationship when there's mutuality, when, you know,
sometimes you have
to do something you don't want to do, but it makes that other person happy, and
sometimes
they've got to do something for you.
But however, Dr. Drew, would you, would you extend that to, like, analingus?
There are, you know, everybody's got their limits, and this guy maybe had his
limits,
and the fact is, but that may be a deal breaker for the relationship for her.
They need to really explore this.
I mean, she, he has to be very clear, she has to be very clear that this is
critically
important to her.
And it's a little more, it's a little different, analingus, that's doesn't, you
know, for many
women, they are only going to have an orgasm with oral sex.
That's a common thing.
And so, by receiving the oral sex.
Yeah.
Well, if the guy, first of all, Gina, if the guy doesn't like doing that thing
you were
saying, high likelihood he's gay.
Oh, he's not gay.
I'd say probably 90.
Maybe 80, 90%.
Like, I, I, I had a lot of experience with gay men, like, my best friend, all
grown up
was gay, and, like, I have, if I do say so myself, and he is definitely not gay.
Right, right.
Well, maybe you should work on the texture of your vagina.
No.
I