Name: Meeting of the Mind
Uploaded: 2021-05-23T01:42:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Meeting of the Mind' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Meeting of the Mind' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-23. Transcript available.

I'm impressed with clean comedy to way more impressed than anyone that's new
that's superior as a dirty
It seems like a crush a lot of times. I like dirty ones too. I like the real
meeting of the mind
I swam
Not naked, but in underpants with Roseanne in Hawaii
We got shit faced at this the best bar in Honolulu
Tiki bar she's never been asked for dawn is the bartender at Arnold's Tiki bar
me and Roseanne got fucked up
We walked the beach, right? We just shredded down to our underwear. Did you
make a move?
No, but I'm fucking in love with that woman. She's a great. She's cool. Oh fuck.
I've met her before. She's cool as hell. Yes, and
Her and Norm Macdonald were friends because he wrote on her show and Norma's
like he told me
It was a wedding on and she thought yeah, and after ten minutes. I was
listening to them talk and after like about ten minutes
It became this noise
It's a solid ball
But the Roseanne is so funny. She's like naturally funny you said you'd rather
um
You'd rather uh play frogger than have sex
Oh, yeah, well
You have to know frogger, you know
It's a game
It's an arcade game where a little frog has to go across the river
Yeah, and they have like a little logs that he has to and sometimes the logs a
crocodile tries to eat them
You're like totally into that. Yeah
Well, I like a lot of things better than sad. I don't care for sex then
See that's the thing with me too because I'm totally bored. I don't have any
what's a matter
Yeah
It hasn't like gotten better over the centuries, you know, it's always the same
thing
It's very like I had sex when I was a young man, and then I had it for a while
And then I realized it's kind of it's always the same thing, you know
There's only a few things you can do. You can go like this and then over
You know what I mean? You gotta do this for a while
Do you think that we're being drugged by the government to lose interest in sex?
Oh, no, I just think it's a it's a thing that
Like you know when people go hey, you know that guy's a good he's good in bed,
you know
And to me like how hard is it?
You know it's not like if you're good in badminton or something, you know
That's a hard thing badminton. You gotta and frogger, you know, but
Sex you can figure it out in like 10 minutes, you know
Yeah, and like like goats do it and stuff
You know like goats and pigs and stuff all do it
So how special can it be?
Exactly. Show me a goat that can get past the third level of frog
That's right, Nora
That's right
The writers write it and then you say it so then if it's not funny the audience
hates you, you know
Right, that's exactly why you have to be so mean to writer
Right, right
Like they go like this
The audience is gonna watch the Roseanne show and go
Oh, that dirty Bruce Rasmussen, he's not funny at all
Right
They don't get that
The writers don't get that it's your ass out there
They go like no, it is funny
I'd be like I don't think it's funny
Yeah
Well, I wrote it and I say it's funny
Well, then you go out there and say it
They want like, kind of, they kind of want a robot that'll just say anything
Yeah, but they're good people, the writers, you know
I have to go back and talk to them after the show
Yeah, remember when I used to make y'all wear numbers?
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, Roseanne made us all wear numbers on our shirts so she wouldn't have to
speak to us as human beings
So, you know, she'd say, hey, just number nine
Actually, we have some writers on this show that worked at Roseanne, at your
show
Yeah, so
We have three and eight
Are they any good?
I remember those guys, are they any good now?
Yeah, oh yeah, they're great, they're great
So
Yeah
I know that the guy that used to write the, what do you call it, in Hustler
Magazine
What?
He used to write the jokes, the captions under the comics in Hustler Magazine
He did?
Where is he?
He's the one that created your show
He is?
He's the most talented, yeah
He's the most talented of all of them, he also did Drew Carey
He's the most talented number I ever had on that show
Yeah
And I wish him the best
Yeah, he's Bruce Helford, yeah, three
Yeah, he wrote the, he started out at Hustler Magazine
Yeah, I didn't know that, those things were hysterical, he never told me that
You mean like the really dirty
Yeah
The cartoons with the blood and everything?
Yeah
Yeah, and then they have those captions, they were funny
Yeah, they're hilarious
Yeah, one time I had a psychiatrist
Yeah
Like, and, because they told me I should go see a psychiatrist
I didn't want to go see one or anything like that
But, this, so I go to see this dude, the psychiatrist
And, I'm talking to the guy and I couldn't think of any problems or anything
that I had
You know, I was just like, yeah, the guy I'm working with is kind of a troublemaker,
you know, and the boss is always
So I'm just like, I had nothing to say and the guy's like sitting there, you
know
So then, I go to the guy twice, right?
And then I'm reading the paper, the guy kills himself
Really?
Yeah, he killed himself
And then, and then I was reading his horrible life like he was on all these
drugs
And he was one of those guys that liked to hang themselves there to have sex
and all this weird stuff
Anyway
Oh my god
Yeah
And then I just kept thinking, good god, like the last week of his life he was
listening to my boring problems, you know
He's all troubled and I'm going, anyways, the guy, you know, I don't think he
respects me, my boss, you know
That's kind of, did, did like that, how, how deeply did that frighten you?
When you read it in the paper that he killed himself
Yeah, I don't like hearing about guys killing themselves
That's really scary, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, especially a psychiatrist, you figure they got it all going on in
their head, right?
Yeah, and then like when you find out they're crazier than you
Yeah, I don't like that
Because I, also, I don't like those psychiatrists too
I'm always afraid, like, that, you know, they get you under their spell there
Yeah, they do
And then you don't have anybody else, you only trust the guy
Yeah
And then, of course, first thing he does, has sex with you
That's right
Yeah, the first thing, it's like a cult
It's a horrifying cult, I think
Same with hypnotists
Like, I always think if a hypnotist is going to hypnotize you
Yeah
He should say right before, I promise I will not have sex with you, you know
While you're under
Because, you know, I don't want to give up smoking, but at the same time
I'll grab some pizza
Oh boy, oh I love this pizza
Yeah, it's pizza
Very pizza, oh my god, look at
It's kosher pizza
It's so good too
Because you're Jewish
That's right
I just want to be able to eat pepperoni that's made out of veal or something
I love that
I know, you'll go to hell
What, if I eat pepperoni with pork?
Yeah, because you're Jewish
Will that make me go to hell?
Yeah, isn't that the whole idea?
What, a hell?
No, I'm Christian, I can eat any kind of pizza and not go to hell
I don't think I go to hell for eating it either
Oh, you don't?
No, I don't go to hell
Well, they don't specifically mention pizza in the Old Testament
But it's, uh
But they do mention pepperoni
Yeah
This pizza here
But it doesn't say you'll go to hell
It just says, you know
You know, you never know where, you know
You might want to avoid this piece actually has hooves on it
You want to eat that
And I said, listen man
Because I kept hearing these things about how old people always have sex
Yeah
So I said to my grandmother
Do you still, grandfather, do you still have sex with my grandmother?
He was like, good lord, no
And then he was explaining it to me
He was like, because in his own head
He thinks he's like a young dude
Yeah
You know
And so
He says, like, when you get old
It's not like all of a sudden your tastes change
Where you go, hey, that wrinkly old lady looks good
He told you that?
Yeah
Wow
He said that people still look good when they're in their 20s
To like real old guys
Yeah, yeah
Because he said whenever he looked in the mirror
He was always shocked
Because he thought he was like a dough boy
Back in the First World War
You know
He thought he was a handsome dude
And even if he did know he was ugly
He still was not attracted to the old bags
J.K. Rowling is a Christian
And J.K. Rowling famously said
That if you're familiar with the scriptures
You could easily guess the ending of her book
Huh?
Here's some Xanax
Really?
How many should I take?
Well, they get you very sleepy
I better take only a half
Oh, right now, just take a half
Okay
We'll be back with Roseanne
After the Xanax kicks in
Questions from the Twitterverse
Which I'm now realizing all suck
Twitter kind of sucks anymore
Yeah
Tell them your most famous joke
That people say you're too masculine
Oh, that one
Well, that was my killer joke
That was my ender
Closer
People say, you're not very feminine
I say, suck my dick
That was my closer
Can't you be meaner?
Did they tell you not to be as mean?
No, they tell me to be meaner
Well, early though
You told that guy to fuck off
Well, he was a fucking dick
He needed me to talk
He kept on getting in my face
Like as if
No respect
No, but I'm so used to that
Working around Hollywood people
But this one was like
You're not going to come on my show
And pull that shit
Yeah, yeah
Motherfucker
Fucker
So, anyway
Hey, you want to do some jokes, Roseanne?
I have Roseanne
I have jokes
Okay
We have to take a break
No, we're not going to take a break
Oh, okay
Fuck the break
No, we're going to just do jokes
Sounds good
And who better than Roseanne?
Well
I can't think of anyone
I can't remember
A study has found that men are just as likely as women to spread gossip
At least that's what I heard Rick tell Brad
Who, by the way, has a crush on Patty
Oh, does she?
Hey, what about this?
Kim and Kanye celebrated their baby Northwest
One
His name's Northwest
His one-year birthday by throwing a big party
What's that?
It's a her
Oh, it's a girl
Yeah, Northwest, of course
I should have known by the name
Of course, yeah
Anyway, she had her one-year birthday
And they threw a big party with jugglers
A bouncy house and a Ferris wheel
The bad news is that Northwest is a baby
So it doesn't know what the fuck is going on
Here's one
It's about your friend
Hey, you're not going to believe this
But Bill Maher has given away the solution to all our problems for free
He is, isn't he?
Remember when he had jokes about Yule Gibbons?
Oh, yeah
He'd always pick one guy
And I didn't even know he wasn't as a kid, but I just laughed
I still don't know, who's Yule Gibbons?
He, I think he did a grape nut cereals commercial
I love now, I have to explain to this fucking guy
He was like, about like, um, roughage
Yeah
And, you know, organic roughage
Got it
So he would, he, I didn't even know Grape Nuts had a, you know, that's fine
I didn't know they had a commercial
Shut up
I shut up
For one fucking minute, you know, trying to talk to a legend of comedy, you're
talking about
Thank you very much for being here
That was fun
Can I kiss you?
Of course
Aww
Aww
Sweet
Aww
Sweet
I'm glad I had a suit
Everybody asked me on this show, when are you going to get a woman?
I said, I'm not going to get a woman before I get Roseanne, I'll fucking tell
you that
Thank you.