Name: Your Phone's Ringing Dude
Uploaded: 2021-06-19T00:32:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Your Phone's Ringing Dude' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Your Phone's Ringing Dude' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-06-19. Transcript available.

I listened to an interview you gave Larry King, and you said the ruin of Donald
Trump
will be his addiction to playing the halls, right? So he's a great performer.
He just wanted to be
you, like he wanted to be a stand-up comedian, and he just accidentally became
a president?
My guess would be that his plan was to make a big splash, lose...oh. That's not
good.
What should we do now, Joyce? Just don't answer, okay? If it's possible.
No, I won't answer. Should I start answering that question again?
Sure. Yeah, I think him becoming president surprised him. I think, you know, it's
funny that
people don't remember, but back in the debates, there was a big, big issue with
Donald Trump saying,
if he lost, it meant to be like, God, are you kidding me? I know, I doubt I did.
Oh, one second.
Hello? Yes. Oh, I got to call you back. I'm on the TV, man. Yeah, I'm on the TV
right now.
Oh, my God. I'll call you right back. Sorry. Okay, I'm not going to ask you the
question again.
Norm! Norm! Did you ever hear the word? Oh, I...
The phone is ringing. I certainly hope that somebody's calling to tell you to
go home.
Oh, no.
Dude, you got a phone ringing.
Oh.
Um...
Hello? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Uh, the thing is this. There, uh, you know, Matt Strauss?
Yeah, the producer.
The producer. He told me it would be funny. He said, like, why don't you carry
a cell phone
on and then let it ring and then pretend like there's a guy on it.
Is there anybody on it?
No, it's a thing. Pretend thing.
You know what, Norm? You're a dead man.
You know what, Barbara? You know what you said about rage and work?
Give this man a pint of soup and tell him to shut up!
Norm, please.
All right, then, Norm. Let's see.
Move it back.
Norm, Norm. Norm. Norm!
What?
Okay, listen, Norm. Norm, listen.
So I said, I can think of something. I can handle it, you know?
Because for, like, Letterman or somebody like that, it's real hard.
You have to be really on the top of your game, as you know.
Right, yeah.
Because he's real funny.
But the view, it's not that tough, you know?
To keep up with.
Right, sure.
Star Jones or whatever, whoever they are.
Barbara Walters there, though.
Yeah, yeah.
She's tough to keep up with, right?
I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that means.
So I'm like, I'll be fine.
That's what I kept telling the guy.
So the guy's like, but that's their job, you know?
So this guy would always have ideas.
He would follow me with ideas.
He'd go...
This goes on for weeks before the appearance, right?
Yeah, weeks.
It's almost like it becomes like work.
It is. Talking to that guy is harder than talking to the host, you know?
Yeah.
And he's excited.
And it's his job, so I don't want to...
So he'd be like, what if he came out in a red wig?
I'm like, what the fuck?
Why would I do that, right?
He's like, the gals have been teasing Barbara about, you know, tinging her hair.
I'm like, no.
It'll look like my idea.
And then I got a red wig on.
And, you know...
Right, right, yeah.
You don't want to take part in their silliness.
Just over and over, you know, every time.
And he goes, well, do you have anything?
I go, no, I can't think.
But I'll think of something, you know?
So he says...
Anyway, he's one of the ones he finds me.
He goes, I'll tell you what you do, man.
He goes, you come out.
He goes, you're talking to the gals.
And all of a sudden, your cell phone rings, right?
He goes, it's in the middle of the show.
Like, he's really excited, right?
He goes, you answer the cell phone.
He goes, excuse me, ladies.
He goes, we're not going to tell them about it.
And the cell phone rings.
He goes, excuse me, ladies.
It's your agent, Morty.
You know, he had this name.
Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, yeah.
He goes, so you're like, Morty, you can't call me here.
I'm on The View.
You know, I'm on TV.
What do you mean you have an offer for me, you know?
And I had this crazy Jewish accent in the store.
You know, what do you mean?
I can't do it.
I'm on The View.
So I'm like, ah, yeah.
I didn't want to, you know, you don't want to hurt people's feelings, you know?
So I'm like, no, that was, yeah, it sounds pretty good.
But maybe I'll think of something else, you know?
Right.
He was so excited.
Yeah.
So anyways, this is going to be a long story.
No, no, it's fine, you know?
We can actually stay on the air as long as we want.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I get that.
So anyways, I'm really late, right?
Because I had a big hand at this poker game.
Right.
So I...
You show up right before you got to go on the air.
Yeah, show up.
You know, so I'm going.
I go, ah, I got the story about Bill Cosby.
I'll do that.
I know how to do that story.
I did it before on Letterman, and it'll be fine.
So I go in, and I tell the guy, listen, now, I do this story about Letterman.
So I walk out, you know?
Now, unbeknownst to me, as I was walking out, this guy had muttered something.
And he slept for, like, three days, and it's just a phone call, you know?
So I go, oh, yeah, you know?
I didn't know what he was talking about, but he had slipped, like, a cell phone.
He put a cell phone in my pocket.
Oh.
So anyways, I got out there, and then...
He'd slipped a cell phone in your pocket.
In your pocket, yeah, thinking I was in for this gag, right?
And it's all set to ring.
But I forgot.
You forgot about it.
Yeah, I forgot about it.
Okay.
And all hell breaks loose, obviously.
So I go out to the view, and those four bags are sitting there, you know?
No, come on.
So, no, ladies, women, you know?
Yeah.
It's not politically correct to say gag.
No.
But, you know, you got Michael Richards is saying the N-word.
I can't say the B-word.
No, you can say that, absolutely.
I want to talk later about the...
Now they have the F-word for fag, which is really strange.
Yeah.
But, uh...
The guy from Grey's Anatomy got in trouble for saying...
Yeah, the N-word guy.
The F-word.
No, but he was an N-word guy, wasn't he?
I can't remember.
That was the irony.
Everybody's...
No, he was African-American.
Everybody's going nuts out there.
He was African-American.
Yeah.
Said the F-word.
He said the F-word.
It'd be funny if you were an African-American...
You know, if you were a racist, you would not say African-American.
Maybe you'd say the A-word.
What's the A-word?
The African-American.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
But, uh...
So I go on the...
Okay, yeah.
On the view.
Yeah.
So this is what had happened to me a month previously.
This was 19...
Whenever the first election was, the Bush, uh...
Right.
Bush against...
Gore.
Al Gore.
Yeah.
The first time, right?
I know nothing about politics, you know?
And, uh, so...
This is right after the election?
This is before the election.
Okay.
Before the first election.
So, um, what happened was I got a call from this guy, uh, Ben Stein.
You know, that guy?
Uh-huh, sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So he said, uh...
He said, how would you like to meet, uh, George Bush?
He's running for president, you know?
So I go, holy fuck, that would be cool, you know?
Meet a guy running for president.
Maybe later he'll become president.
Uh-huh.
And I'll be his buddy, because this is how naive I was.
Uh-huh.
Because I knew him, like, two months before he became president.
Right.
So in Hollywood, you know, obviously very liberal, right?
So if, like, uh...
So Gore showed up, and it was like Barbara Streisand and every giant star in
Hollywood, right?
Uh-huh.
So when Bush's plane came down, literally it was me and Ben Stein.
We were the...
We were the celebrities.
Right, right, right.
So it was really lame.
And then when George Bush came out with his wife, he said to her,
See, I told you he'd come about me.
Right, right, right.
They were expecting maybe it would just be Ben Stein.
They were really happy that two celebrities showed up.
Right, sure.
You know, and real peripheral celebrities.
So, uh, but it was cool, because everyone hates George Bush and stuff,
so I got to go on his airplane and talk to him.
I talked to the guy for an hour and stuff.
Got to hang out with him.
Yeah, so it was really cool.
You know, I don't know anything about politics,
but it's cool to meet the guy that's going to be, might be the president.
Yeah.
So anyways...
What did you talk to Bush about on his plane?
I talked to him about, well, I don't know shit about politics,
but he didn't know much either.
He hadn't really been elected yet.
No, he hadn't been elected and everything,
and, uh, uh, uh, I told him some jokes,
and, uh, he's, he sometimes, he'd go like,
there's my, you know, mics or something like that.
Yeah.
It's not a very interesting story.
Right, that's cool.
But when I, so, see, it's a mini-layer.
This guy's been just sitting here listening to the whole story.
That's why I said it's a long story.
We haven't even introduced ourselves to him yet.
What's your name?
My name's Dagan.
Where are you?
I'm just outside Montreal.
Montreal.
I'm going to walk in.
Okay, hold on a second.
Okay, so you're about to walk out.
Yeah, so I go on The View, right?
Yeah.
And I'm supposed to, I said, I'll talk about the Bill Cosby story, you know?
So, anyways, the lady from The View goes,
take a look at this picture.
And they show a picture of me standing beside presidential nominee George Bush.
And then they're like...
You're on The View now.
Yeah, I'm on The View.
And they're like, what's going on here?
That's what the lady says to me, one of the ladies, right?
Like it was a fucking picture of...
Which was a Star Jones, Meredith Vieira...
Who's the fat black one?
Well, Star Jones was, left the show, though.
There was a fat African-American...
Star Jones, I think, yeah.
She lost a lot of weight later, too.
Yeah, yeah.
It was big.
There was a big brouhaha over there.
Was there?
Yeah, but, yeah, so she asked you that.
So she's like, what's going on here, right?
And it's just a picture of me with a guy running for the president.
But the way they said it, it was like...
It was like that picture of Kurt Valtime with Hitler in the fucking woods,
right?
I'm like, I don't know.
Like, what's wrong with this, right?
So, just to be crazy, kind of, like...
And just because they got under my skin,
I don't know nothing about politics and nothing.
And I said, well, it's better than that guy that's in there now.
So, that guy murdered a guy, Bill Clinton, right?
Right, right, right.
And then they're like, what?
And I go, they go, what are you, what are you, what?
So, I go, he murdered a guy, remember?
Some guy killed him?
Because I remember somebody died.
Right, sure, yeah.
Someone who had committed suicide.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.
And I heard a crazy conspiracy thing that they killed him.
So, you just start, yeah.
I'm like, you killed him, don't you remember that?
You know, but I'm acting like everybody knows it.
Like, I'm just acting like a retard.
And then, Barbara Walter goes, you're walking a pretty thin line, mister.
And I'm like, I thought it was a matter of public record.
Barbara, you're a newswoman, back me up, you know?
It kept going on and on.
And it was like, fucking, you know, and she kept, I remember she kept going
like,
you're one piece of work, mister.
Like, getting really, really, really taking you seriously.
Yeah, yeah.
Not remembering that, you know, the jokes on Weekend Update were.
So, I just did it to be, like, stupid.
And then, so there's just, like, you know, the audience, like, like, confused,
you know?
And ladies are all angry.
All of a sudden, I hear, like, coming out of the thing, like, ding, ding, like,
like, it's a fucking fire alarm or something.
What the fuck is that?
And then I remember it's my phone, you know, my cell phone, this joke.
Oh, yeah.
The producer backstage saw that everything was going to hell and decided to fix
it, you know?
So, like, I go, oh, yeah, oh.
I go, Morty, Morty, man, this is a bad time to call because all the ladies hate
me now and stuff like that, you know?
And Barbara Walters goes, what the hell are you doing?
Like, she's just, I go, now I'm a little scared.
I go, I don't know, the guy backstage, he told me that it would be funny if I
pretended
my agent Morty called.
And then there was, like, about five seconds of silence.
And Barbara Walters said, we'll be right back.
And then she gave me the book.
That is on YouTube right now?
That's on YouTube right now, apparently, Bill.
Have you queued it up?
No, I don't have it together.
Oh, you don't have it?
We should try to find that.
Oh, my, that's uncomfortable, huh?
Have you been asked back?
No.
No?
I thought it was fun.
Oh, yeah.
No, that's awesome.
You love those uncomfortable moments, though, right?
I like it, yeah.
Like, with stand-up, if I bomb, I really, really like that.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Did you ever get like that?
Oh, yeah, all the time.
Every night here.
I like it.

Your Phone's Ringing Dude

I listened to an interview you gave Larry King, and you said the ruin of Donald
Trump
will be his addiction to playing the halls, right? So he's a great performer.
He just wanted to be
you, like he wanted to be a stand-up comedian, and he just accidentally became
a president?
My guess would be that his plan was to make a big splash, lose...oh. That's not
good.
What should we do now, Joyce? Just don't answer, okay? If it's possible.
No, I won't answer. Should I start answering that question again?
Sure. Yeah, I think him becoming president surprised him. I think, you know, it's
funny that
people don't remember, but back in the debates, there was a big, big issue with
Donald Trump saying,
if he lost, it meant to be like, God, are you kidding me? I know, I doubt I did.
Oh, one second.
Hello? Yes. Oh, I got to call you back. I'm on the TV, man. Yeah, I'm on the TV
right now.
Oh, my God. I'll call you right back. Sorry. Okay, I'm not going to ask you the
question again.
Norm! Norm! Did you ever hear the word? Oh, I...
The phone is ringing. I certainly hope that somebody's calling to tell you to
go home.
Oh, no.
Dude, you got a phone ringing.
Oh.
Um...
Hello? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Uh, the thing is this. There, uh, you know, Matt Strauss?
Yeah, the producer.
The producer. He told me it would be funny. He said, like, why don't you carry
a cell phone
on and then let it ring and then pretend like there's a guy on it.
Is there anybody on it?
No, it's a thing. Pretend thing.
You know what, Norm? You're a dead man.
You know what, Barbara? You know what you said about rage and work?
Give this man a pint of soup and tell him to shut up!
Norm, please.
All right, then, Norm. Let's see.
Move it back.
Norm, Norm. Norm. Norm!
What?
Okay, listen, Norm. Norm, listen.
So I said, I can think of something. I can handle it, you know?
Because for, like, Letterman or somebody like that, it's real hard.
You have to be really on the top of your game, as you know.
Right, yeah.
Because he's real funny.
But the view, it's not that tough, you know?
To keep up with.
Right, sure.
Star Jones or whatever, whoever they are.
Barbara Walters there, though.
Yeah, yeah.
She's tough to keep up with, right?
I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that means.
So I'm like, I'll be fine.
That's what I kept telling the guy.
So the guy's like, but that's their job, you know?
So this guy would always have ideas.
He would follow me with ideas.
He'd go...
This goes on for weeks before the appearance, right?
Yeah, weeks.
It's almost like it becomes like work.
It is. Talking to that guy is harder than talking to the host, you know?
Yeah.
And he's excited.
And it's his job, so I don't want to...
So he'd be like, what if he came out in a red wig?
I'm like, what the fuck?
Why would I do that, right?
He's like, the gals have been teasing Barbara about, you know, tinging her hair.
I'm like, no.
It'll look like my idea.
And then I got a red wig on.
And, you know...
Right, right, yeah.
You don't want to take part in their silliness.
Just over and over, you know, every time.
And he goes, well, do you have anything?
I go, no, I can't think.
But I'll think of something, you know?
So he says...
Anyway, he's one of the ones he finds me.
He goes, I'll tell you what you do, man.
He goes, you come out.
He goes, you're talking to the gals.
And all of a sudden, your cell phone rings, right?
He goes, it's in the middle of the show.
Like, he's really excited, right?
He goes, you answer the cell phone.
He goes, excuse me, ladies.
He goes, we're not going to tell them about it.
And the cell phone rings.
He goes, excuse me, ladies.
It's your agent, Morty.
You know, he had this name.
Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, yeah.
He goes, so you're like, Morty, you can't call me here.
I'm on The View.
You know, I'm on TV.
What do you mean you have an offer for me, you know?
And I had this crazy Jewish accent in the store.
You know, what do you mean?
I can't do it.
I'm on The View.
So I'm like, ah, yeah.
I didn't want to, you know, you don't want to hurt people's feelings, you know?
So I'm like, no, that was, yeah, it sounds pretty good.
But maybe I'll think of something else, you know?
Right.
He was so excited.
Yeah.
So anyways, this is going to be a long story.
No, no, it's fine, you know?
We can actually stay on the air as long as we want.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I get that.
So anyways, I'm really late, right?
Because I had a big hand at this poker game.
Right.
So I...
You show up right before you got to go on the air.
Yeah, show up.
You know, so I'm going.
I go, ah, I got the story about Bill Cosby.
I'll do that.
I know how to do that story.
I did it before on Letterman, and it'll be fine.
So I go in, and I tell the guy, listen, now, I do this story about Letterman.
So I walk out, you know?
Now, unbeknownst to me, as I was walking out, this guy had muttered something.
And he slept for, like, three days, and it's just a phone call, you know?
So I go, oh, yeah, you know?
I didn't know what he was talking about, but he had slipped, like, a cell phone.
He put a cell phone in my pocket.
Oh.
So anyways, I got out there, and then...
He'd slipped a cell phone in your pocket.
In your pocket, yeah, thinking I was in for this gag, right?
And it's all set to ring.
But I forgot.
You forgot about it.
Yeah, I forgot about it.
Okay.
And all hell breaks loose, obviously.
So I go out to the view, and those four bags are sitting there, you know?
No, come on.
So, no, ladies, women, you know?
Yeah.
It's not politically correct to say gag.
No.
But, you know, you got Michael Richards is saying the N-word.
I can't say the B-word.
No, you can say that, absolutely.
I want to talk later about the...
Now they have the F-word for fag, which is really strange.
Yeah.
But, uh...
The guy from Grey's Anatomy got in trouble for saying...
Yeah, the N-word guy.
The F-word.
No, but he was an N-word guy, wasn't he?
I can't remember.
That was the irony.
Everybody's...
No, he was African-American.
Everybody's going nuts out there.
He was African-American.
Yeah.
Said the F-word.
He said the F-word.
It'd be funny if you were an African-American...
You know, if you were a racist, you would not say African-American.
Maybe you'd say the A-word.
What's the A-word?
The African-American.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
But, uh...
So I go on the...
Okay, yeah.
On the view.
Yeah.
So this is what had happened to me a month previously.
This was 19...
Whenever the first election was, the Bush, uh...
Right.
Bush against...
Gore.
Al Gore.
Yeah.
The first time, right?
I know nothing about politics, you know?
And, uh, so...
This is right after the election?
This is before the election.
Okay.
Before the first election.
So, um, what happened was I got a call from this guy, uh, Ben Stein.
You know, that guy?
Uh-huh, sure, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So he said, uh...
He said, how would you like to meet, uh, George Bush?
He's running for president, you know?
So I go, holy fuck, that would be cool, you know?
Meet a guy running for president.
Maybe later he'll become president.
Uh-huh.
And I'll be his buddy, because this is how naive I was.
Uh-huh.
Because I knew him, like, two months before he became president.
Right.
So in Hollywood, you know, obviously very liberal, right?
So if, like, uh...
So Gore showed up, and it was like Barbara Streisand and every giant star in
Hollywood, right?
Uh-huh.
So when Bush's plane came down, literally it was me and Ben Stein.
We were the...
We were the celebrities.
Right, right, right.
So it was really lame.
And then when George Bush came out with his wife, he said to her,
See, I told you he'd come about me.
Right, right, right.
They were expecting maybe it would just be Ben Stein.
They were really happy that two celebrities showed up.
Right, sure.
You know, and real peripheral celebrities.
So, uh, but it was cool, because everyone hates George Bush and stuff,
so I got to go on his airplane and talk to him.
I talked to the guy for an hour and stuff.
Got to hang out with him.
Yeah, so it was really cool.
You know, I don't know anything about politics,
but it's cool to meet the guy that's going to be, might be the president.
Yeah.
So anyways...
What did you talk to Bush about on his plane?
I talked to him about, well, I don't know shit about politics,
but he didn't know much either.
He hadn't really been elected yet.
No, he hadn't been elected and everything,
and, uh, uh, uh, I told him some jokes,
and, uh, he's, he sometimes, he'd go like,
there's my, you know, mics or something like that.
Yeah.
It's not a very interesting story.
Right, that's cool.
But when I, so, see, it's a mini-layer.
This guy's been just sitting here listening to the whole story.
That's why I said it's a long story.
We haven't even introduced ourselves to him yet.
What's your name?
My name's Dagan.
Where are you?
I'm just outside Montreal.
Montreal.
I'm going to walk in.
Okay, hold on a second.
Okay, so you're about to walk out.
Yeah, so I go on The View, right?
Yeah.
And I'm supposed to, I said, I'll talk about the Bill Cosby story, you know?
So, anyways, the lady from The View goes,
take a look at this picture.
And they show a picture of me standing beside presidential nominee George Bush.
And then they're like...
You're on The View now.
Yeah, I'm on The View.
And they're like, what's going on here?
That's what the lady says to me, one of the ladies, right?
Like it was a fucking picture of...
Which was a Star Jones, Meredith Vieira...
Who's the fat black one?
Well, Star Jones was, left the show, though.
There was a fat African-American...
Star Jones, I think, yeah.
She lost a lot of weight later, too.
Yeah, yeah.
It was big.
There was a big brouhaha over there.
Was there?
Yeah, but, yeah, so she asked you that.
So she's like, what's going on here, right?
And it's just a picture of me with a guy running for the president.
But the way they said it, it was like...
It was like that picture of Kurt Valtime with Hitler in the fucking woods,
right?
I'm like, I don't know.
Like, what's wrong with this, right?
So, just to be crazy, kind of, like...
And just because they got under my skin,
I don't know nothing about politics and nothing.
And I said, well, it's better than that guy that's in there now.
So, that guy murdered a guy, Bill Clinton, right?
Right, right, right.
And then they're like, what?
And I go, they go, what are you, what are you, what?
So, I go, he murdered a guy, remember?
Some guy killed him?
Because I remember somebody died.
Right, sure, yeah.
Someone who had committed suicide.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.
And I heard a crazy conspiracy thing that they killed him.
So, you just start, yeah.
I'm like, you killed him, don't you remember that?
You know, but I'm acting like everybody knows it.
Like, I'm just acting like a retard.
And then, Barbara Walter goes, you're walking a pretty thin line, mister.
And I'm like, I thought it was a matter of public record.
Barbara, you're a newswoman, back me up, you know?
It kept going on and on.
And it was like, fucking, you know, and she kept, I remember she kept going
like,
you're one piece of work, mister.
Like, getting really, really, really taking you seriously.
Yeah, yeah.
Not remembering that, you know, the jokes on Weekend Update were.
So, I just did it to be, like, stupid.
And then, so there's just, like, you know, the audience, like, like, confused,
you know?
And ladies are all angry.
All of a sudden, I hear, like, coming out of the thing, like, ding, ding, like,
like, it's a fucking fire alarm or something.
What the fuck is that?
And then I remember it's my phone, you know, my cell phone, this joke.
Oh, yeah.
The producer backstage saw that everything was going to hell and decided to fix
it, you know?
So, like, I go, oh, yeah, oh.
I go, Morty, Morty, man, this is a bad time to call because all the ladies hate
me now and stuff like that, you know?
And Barbara Walters goes, what the hell are you doing?
Like, she's just, I go, now I'm a little scared.
