Name: Norm Macdonald on Plane Crash
Uploaded: 2021-07-09T03:14:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Plane Crash' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Plane Crash' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-09. Transcript available.

There I was in the airplane, I was flying and you don't have those, oh I was
saying about the, I don't know what I was talking about, the emergency exit,
because the stewardess, that's where we all got in this mess in the first place,
the stewardess or the, I mean the flight attendant comes to you and the flight
attendant says to you, listen, in case the plane crashes and, you know, a flood
of gray black snow.
Smoke races down the fuselage towards your wongs. Would you mind letting
everyone else out before you? And then you say, yes, I will do that.
Funny thing is, I was going to ask you if I could do that. That's the funny
thing. Before you asked me, I was going to ask you, because I feel it's well
worth the extra inch and a half of leg room.
Meanwhile, in real life, I'd be kicking my own mother, like, how the fuck are
you going to be an old whore? I'd live the full life, goddammit.
I used to be on TV, what the fuck? I get to cry first.
Here's the thing. Also, that airplane, right, that, when that crashes, when the
plane crashes, I feel that that window may change locations.
Like, it might no longer be right beside you after the 9,000 mile an hour
collision or whatever the fuck it is.
I know it goes down fast and hard.
I was listening to the, you know, you listen to those warnings, and I guess I
just block my ears to them because I've heard them so often.
But there's one I'm sure you guys have all heard, but for some reason I missed
it.
It says if you're, if the oxygen mask comes down, they go, if the oxygen mask
comes down, be sure to put it on your own face before you put it on the face of
your little child.
And I was like, goddammit, that was my plan. You don't have to blab it to
everybody.
But anyway, I think it's just to make you feel better because, you know, the
things they tell you, you know, they go, by the way, in case of a big crash,
don't forget that your, uh, seat, uh, cushion is also a boat.
Who the fuck believes that?
Go, hey, honey, man, don't be cheap at the cottage this year.
I just bought us five boats.
And of course, that never happens.
You never hear a fucking, uh, hey, you turn on the news, hey, a plane crashed
in the Pacific.
But don't worry, everybody floating around on their fucking boats.
They listen to the lady.
Everything's cool. Everything's fine.
You know, everything's, you know, you have no chance.
If a plane crashes, right?
Think about this.
You ever see a plane crash?
They take pictures of it, videos.
They don't care.
And that's because you never see a body in a plane crash.
And that's because the speed vaporizes everything.
So that there's nothing that even resembles a human being.
It's just a whole bunch of, uh, just, I don't know, it's stuff.
It's stuff.
That's what it is.
It's a plane load of stuff.
They go in, they go, God damn, there's a lot of stuff in this fucking plane.
And then, uh, the loved ones of the victims, uh, they want the stuff.
They don't call it stuff.
They call it remains.
It's a nice word for stuff.
They want the remains, you know, and I understand that, you know what I mean?
Like they go, oh, God, man, I can't get to sleep because my, my firstborn
Mitchell, I love
him so much.
I, I can't, I can't even get to sleep because I keep thinking of his final
minutes on that
airplane.
And if only I could see his remains, I'd get a good night's sleep then.
With that picture imprinted on my head, it'll be just like an Ambien.
I'd be almost, then I could put this whole thing behind me.
And you're not going to get the real remains.
It's not like they go on the plane and go, hey, look at that strawberry blonde
lock of
hero.
I bet that's belongs to Agnes from sitting over there.
Didn't you find her, uh, shinbone earlier there, Jeff?
Put that over there.
Reconstruct that.
What the fuck?
Are you crazy?
They just go on the plane, they go, holy fuck, look at all this stuff.
And then they go, here's the ID, says Norm Magdalal, 190 pounds.
Okay, shovel 190 pounds of stuff into a bag.
Let's go.
Daylight's burning.
Stamp Norm on the side of that one and send it off to his mother.
His mother wants to sit.
And then my mother gets it and goes, oh, excellent.
Good, good.
Well, now I can look back and laugh at it.
Hey, I don't remember Norm having three eyeballs.
I guess none of us really knew him after all.
Each one a stranger for you.
I guess none of us really knew him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.
I don't remember him after all.