Name: Apartment Filled with Beer Bottles of Urine
Uploaded: 2021-07-19T17:34:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Apartment Filled with Beer Bottles of Urine' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Apartment Filled with Beer Bottles of Urine' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-19. Transcript available.

Hey, Norm MacDonald's on the phone. You know I love Norm. And, uh, Norm. Norm?
Yeah?
So, Norm, uh...
How are you, Norm?
Is it true you've been up drinking all night?
Why do you told you that?
Gary.
Oh, yeah, no, because I had to stay up to write, you know, so I decided to
drink, but I'm not drunk.
What are you writing?
What are you writing?
What?
What are you writing?
Uh, I have to write... I have to write this movie.
Oh, you're doing a movie?
Sounds like a school project.
Yeah.
I have to write this movie.
What are you, got a date to turn it in?
What's your story, man? Like, I mean, someone hired you to write a movie?
Yeah, you know how, like, uh, comedians, like, write movies, and then they get
to be in them?
Right.
Oh, you're writing your own movie?
Yeah, right.
Oh, like Austin Powers or something?
Yeah, like that.
Yeah.
Why don't you just do an Austin Powers?
That'd be great.
So you started to drink?
What?
What?
You started to drink while you were writing?
What are you drinking?
No, no, I wasn't, I was just drinking some, uh, some, uh, Fresca.
Fresca?
He likes to drink.
What?
What is in that Fresca?
He drinks a beer, and then he, um, he urinates in the beer bottle.
Good lord.
And his whole apartment is filled with, uh, beer bottle urination.
Now, let's forget about that.
Isn't that true?
Tell the truth.
Tell the truth.
You're the one who told me that.
What?
What?
Somebody told us.
No, he told me that.
Really?
Yeah.
Somebody else told us and he confirmed it.
Mm-hmm.
Well, this late night with David Letterman inches toward the finale.
Many actors and comics are coming on to pay their final respects.
Norm MacDonald closed out Friday's show by doing five minutes of stand-up and
then paying
a heartfelt tribute to his idol, saying Letterman is the greatest talk show
host who ever lived.
I have a couple of clips for you.
The first clip is Norm fighting through tears, telling one last joke in Dave's
honor.
I remember Dave differently because the first time I saw him, I was 13 years
old.
I was living in, uh, ah.
I was just thinking about all those interns Dave had.
I was living in Toronto, Canada.
I went to a talk show they had there.
And, uh, David Letterman was the stand-up comedian on the show.
And, uh, I loved stand-up.
And, David Letterman did this joke that I told everybody this joke.
I loved this joke.
It still, uh, stays with me as my favorite stand-up joke ever.
So, I'd like to do it for you if you'd like to hear it.
He goes, uh, I, uh, I was on the street the other day and, uh, I, uh, I saw a
garbage truck.
And on the back of the garbage truck there was a small sign that said, "Please
do not follow too closely."
Another of life's simple pleasures ruined by a meddling bureaucracy, ladies and
gentlemen.
You remember the old days when Dad would pile the kids in the station wagon and
we'd all go out and follow a garbage truck?
I saw that and all I could, all I could think of is...
That guy sounds hot.
I wasn't thinking about Dave.
I was thinking about Norm.
Norm is perfectly capable of, like, shaving and putting on a little Grecian
formula...
Putting on clothes.
Putting a tie and a suit on and going to New York and doing a really funny,
kick-ass, five-minute stand-up comedy set.
But then you talk to him about doing podcasts or projects or teaming up or
whatever.
It's like, uh, Norm can't leave his apartment because if he gets up he'll kick
over a jug of urine and he'll lose his cleaning deposit and he does not drive.
He does not drive himself.
Oh, no, he does not.
By the way, move to L.A. and then make the proclamation, "I don't drive."
And it's like saying, "I can't be employed."
Like, he should just fucking take ropes and put himself onto the bed like James
Kahn in Misery.
He doesn't drive?
No, he does not drive.
Why?
He has a helper person, females, whatever.
It's so insane.
And then, you know, people tweet me all the time, like, "Hey, hey, skid Norm on.
Man, you guys are dynamite together.
Everyone loves you and Norm together."
And I'm like, "It would be awesome if he was capable of getting inside of a
Volvo and propelling himself in my direction."
Where does he live?
He lives somewhere on the west side, sort of beach city.
Oh, he's in L.A.?
Yeah, he's in L.A.
Oh, okay.
All right.
He does not drive.
Well, that can be fixed.
I agree.
Are you taking his beautiful Dave Letterman moment and making it about the fact
that you can't get him to do anything with you?
That's exactly what's happening, yeah.
Oh, I just see the guy.
People, yes, I'm seeing it because he is so good when he wants to be good.
He's amazing.
And he puts himself together and it's perfect.
And then you see him and he's got like a gray beard and he's walking around
with Kleenex boxes on for slippers.
And it's like, look, just fucking get your driver's license and come on out.
Join the rest of us in society.
Well, no, I feel like Norm's talent is being wasted in Norm's apartment instead
of out with us.
Which I believe now.
See, I don't know anything about what Norm's doing.
You catch him every now and then on a clip.
You catch him.
Maybe he calls in somewhere and I've seen him there.
He seems to tweet a lot now, though.
Yes.
Guess what you can do from your living room.
Yeah, he'll watch an entire round of golf, the Masters.
He'll tweet every shot.
He'll go on long rant.
Well, he showed up at the SNL thing.
Yeah, I know.
I mean, again, that's the whole thing.
He's capable.
He cleans himself up.
He shaves.
He puts on a suit and he goes out and does a really funny standup set.
And you wouldn't even need him to clean himself up or a suit.
I'm wearing pajamas right now with slippers.
I'm wearing fucking practically pajamas myself.
I know.
I know.
I just all I'm saying is he is one of the funniest guys on the planet.
It would be nice if he could somebody just backhand him and yell, get hold of
yourself.
And then, you know, give him a shot of vermouth or something and go, let's go.
We're going down to fucking DMV.
Maybe that's you.
We'll get your license.
I think I told him.
That guy sounds hot.
That or Gilbert Godfrey.
I can't remember.
But I told one of them, I will teach you how to drive.
You don't need to.
In his position, he can get someone to drive in places.
Oh, there's Uber.
I love Uber.
Oh, you hate Uber?
No, I love it.
I just can't.
It's impossible.
The answer is yes.
He could get someone to do it.
Has he never driven?
Maybe he just has a social phobia that only goes away when he goes to New York
for major
television, farewells and finales.
Was there a driving related trauma?
I don't want to belabor this, but I'm fascinated.
No.
There are many people that we just, they're allowed to just announce to the
world that
they're nuts, essentially.
And then they can do whatever idiosyncratic behavior they like.
And then everyone just sort of covers for them.
They go, you know, Gilbert Godfrey or Norm or whoever.
Everyone goes, oh, you know, they don't drive.
But no one ever goes, why the fuck not?
I've been driving since I was 15 and a half.
It's no big deal.
That's like Bill Cosby doesn't have sex with women who are awake.
That was his thing.
That's his thing.
He announced it.
Maybe he should have announced it.
He should have.
Yeah.
We've been forgiving.
*music*