Name: Teachers are the WORST
Uploaded: 2021-08-11T16:28:53.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teachers are the WORST' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Teachers are the WORST' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-11. Transcript available.

At Virginia Commonwealth University, a professor is being sued following revelations
that he spanked one of his students.
It was the student's parents who first became suspicious when they asked,
What kind of marks are you getting?
And she replied, Big red ones on my ass.
This is what's the problem with our society, though.
What is it?
When they go, hey, the hardest job in the world is being a mom.
Or the hardest job in the world is being a teacher.
It's hard. Hard jobs.
That's not.
They're hard jobs.
My mom was a teacher.
She had the two hardest jobs.
I think hooking is a harder job.
The teacher is probably the easiest job in the planet.
Why?
How can you say that?
First of all, my mother and my father were both teachers.
They got all the vacations that children do.
You're always off.
You have the entire summer.
You have two weeks Christmas, two weeks Easter.
You work in an atmosphere where it's just you and children.
With young, stupid, short, stupid people.
They don't know much.
You're brilliant.
Yeah.
You don't have to learn anything.
They're all frightened of you.
You can say anything you want.
You never take a test.
See, I don't know if you've ever gotten...
That's true.
I go now, when I was a kid, I thought my teachers were so smart.
Now I have a kid, I meet these teachers, they're not smart at all.
How can you say that?
Because it's true.
They're just like regular goofy people.
Well, that's what you realize.
And they have the only...
My kid's teacher went crazy, and they could not fire her because of...
Because the job's so hard.
The kids made her crazy.
Yeah, but she has whatever you call it, tenure.
They don't have that in any other job.
No, I know.
They have a union that has a stranglehold on...
They've got to fire you before your tenure starts.
Yeah.
That's one of the things...
They've got to fire you from the easiest job ever.
Your babysitter's funny.
Those are heroes.
Those are also the heroes.
They're like, the real heroes are the moms and the teachers.
Well, they are.
Not the guys on Hiwo Jima planting a flag.
Okay, they were heroes, too.
Not the firemen that run into buildings.
No, no.
No one's denying that those people are heroic.
It's a person that shows up at a school and is the tallest person in the class.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
That's a good one.
I'm telling you, my mom and dad were both teachers.
It's the simplest job in the world.
When I was a kid, I thought everyone got that much vacation.
I was, like, shocked to learn that you...
I thought everyone had the summer off.
I thought everyone had three weeks off for Christmas.
Well, when you're doing your own sitcoms, surely you have six months of the
year off.
I mean, that has to be teacher-esque.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
It's teacher-esque.
Don't they say that having a sitcom is about the closest you can get?
That's about the hardest job in the world.
No, shut up.
Yeah, those are the real heroes.
Oh, my God.
You're making the people laugh.
805 says, rude.
I'm a second-grade teacher and I hate you.
Rude.
That sounds like a second-grade teacher.
Now, Jimmy, that was just rude.
Can you think of another way to say that?
To be a second-grade teacher, you just have to be smarter than a second-grade
student.
That's about the only thing you have to be.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, basically, you need third-grade intelligence to teach second-grade.
You know everything that they need to know.
But a fourth-grade teacher needs, you know.
Let's take a couple of calls here.
Actually, a couple texts.
If you only need third-grade intelligence to teach second-grade, I wonder what
Norm would say about me, a preschool teacher.
Well, it's kind of obvious.
And the 503 says, Norm, thanks for dirty work.
Still one of the greatest movies ever.
What do I need to teach children to have a nap?
Maggie, you're on the air.
It says here, being a teacher, super-duper hard work.
Yeah, you know, I was an attorney for several years.
I went to Bolt Law School and I quit being an attorney to be a teacher.
And being a teacher is much more difficult work.
Is it super-duper hard?
That's what it says here.
You know, I did not say super-duper hard.
That was either a human or a lot more people there.
Do you talk about your childhood a lot?
Because I was reading about you the other day.
When you were in high school, your father was your homeroom teacher?
Oh, yeah.
Probably in grade school, yeah.
Oh.
How'd that work out?
Was he mean and strict?
He was a tough guy, yeah, yeah.
He was tough.
He was tough.
He was, uh...
It was odd.
He, uh...
He, uh...
Didn't graduate from, uh, school himself.
Because he was old when he happened.
He was, like, 50, so he was in World War II.
Yeah.
And so, you know, he was in the group of the Depression.
And then he went to World War II, and then he came back, and they said,
Oh, we have this special thing.
You'd be a teacher, you know?
You know, he had, like, a grade nine education.
And they let him be a teacher?
Well, he was teaching grade five, so he was highly over-the-half.
This was in Quebec, right?
Yeah, yeah, Quebec.
If I could tell you one thing about the real heroes of the, uh, country,
which I believe are the teachers, you know?
Oh, my God.
I don't really, I don't believe they're the real heroes.
Except, I misspoke again.
I actually, I think the real heroes are the real heroes.
Teachers, they get good press to, because people often say to me,
You know who the real heroes are?
I go, Are they the real heroes?
They go, No.
I go, Oh, they're the teachers.
It's, it's counterintuitive that it doesn't seem like a heroic job, but, yes.
First of all, if you're a teacher, you get the same fun of vacations as a child.
You get, like, four months a year off the end of life.
My vacation, I get, I have almost no time on it.
But we're 48 weeks a year.
Four weeks a year, I get up.
What about you?
You're not one of those fucking teachers, right?
You seem like a teacher.
Now, are you teaching?
What do you teach?
What grade, what grade?
What grade, what grade?
What grade, what grade?
What grade?
What grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
No, but we're great.
Not so easy when it's the other way around.
It's not so easy when it's the other way around.
I said, what grade?
It's not as easy to ask the questions.
It's not as easy to ask the questions.
It's not as easy to ask the questions.
But the real heroes are the fucking students.
I said, what grade do you teach?
9, 2, 12.
So you need a grade 13 education.
No, you're the real hero.
No, you're the real hero.
No, I'm just kidding.
You're the real hero.
You're not the real hero.
Shut the fuck up.
I know, it's a fun thing to say.
But what do you do?
What do you do for a living that your wife's the real hero?
What?
You know you're not the actual real hero, don't you?
I'm like obsessed.
Didn't you see how obsessed she is?
So you actually feel you're the real hero.
See, I think you've described yourself a little.
'Cause I believe real heroes don't think they are.
She says, when you hear the real heroes, they go, how the fuck did you run into
that fucking fire and pull the guy out?
You're a hero.
They go, now it's a teacher's.
Not me.
I'm a little scared now.
I got to go right now.
I got to pull the guy out of a fire.
That's a good job.
Come on.
Everybody's shorter than you.
At the university.
They have to do whatever the fuck you said.
No, I'm just kidding.
What did you say?
What?
What?
What?
I've never called you a retard.
that's a good job come on everybody's shorter than you
they have to do whatever the fuck you said
oh
it's an odd word for a school teacher
I didn't know that people that were teaching our young children
banging around words like retard
I'm just kidding, now they do a lot of good
you know what I read actually, that's a serious statistic
they actually fuck more students than
talk to a hero
they actually fuck more students than you can believe this
than priests, you know how priests
nobody likes priests
nobody's going around, but priests are the real heroes
and yet actual priests, who I know
I'm not a Catholic, but I know pastors
and my God, most of them that I know do the Lord's work
I mean, they go out and they're in hospitals and stuff
and they're doing stuff and they're doing stuff
and for no money, you know, and no recognition
and it's got to kill them, like, going, yeah, people think, uh, fuck kids
like, if I was a priest, man, like, if I was a priest, man, I'd just let them,
you know, like, I'd do a TV commercial, I'd go, hey, listen, I have Father Norm
here, run out of my church, I won't fuck your kid, I'll tell you what, that's
the first thing, I promise you
I'll tell you a little something by myself
I'm Father Norm, as I told you, and, uh, 20 years or so ago, I took a vow of chastity,
you know, what that means is, I cannot have sex with a lady, you know
now, that's tough, because I like ladies, and especially the ones, you ever see
those ones where they, uh, press their tits together, kind of, they got a
little cleavage showing, but they look kind of whorey, but it looks like they
don't throw their whores
anyway, that's my type, everybody has their own time
the point is, I don't even fuck them, let alone a child pronounce it
why would I want to fuck a child
so anyways, but now to Father Norm
but I will not fuck your kid
and you can leave your big-tid whore wife at home
I don't need that fucking woman hanging around, asking any questions all the
time
that's a little chunky
you gotta admit, though, the guy that put that flag in the Iwo Jima
he's close
he didn't know that when he got there, the fucking spacecraft would crash, or
there'd be moon aliens or shit on him
I mean, uh, I know, I know, he's not, I know it's not grade 11 biology, but
I mean, it's something
uh, imagine any fucking other fucking job, you know, you go, hey, I'm the civil
servant, I'm a hero, you know, he could be fucking returning, but
I'm a teacher, you know, he could be fucking returning, but
I'm a teacher, I'm a teacher, I'm a hero, you know, he could be fucking
returning, but
Your teacher?
Memorize this shit.
Get back tomorrow, and then you've got to tell it to me.
Remember everything I say, and then you repeat it to me.
I've got some problems for you.
I know you're a child.
And you don't have any problems.
That's the cool thing about being a child.
But guess what?
You fucking got some now.
I'm kind of going to get some heroic work to do.
I'm sure you're a nice idea.
You're pretty heroic.
But listen, guys.
Guys.
In science, do you teach Newton?
Isaac Newton?
You know, what are you, a retard?
Isaac Newton?
There's plenty of them.
The hero that called me as a retard is actually a retard result.
I'm going to get his turn on his elbow.
I'm sorry, what?
A treadmill?
Have I seen one?
Wait, I don't even get it.
It's not good.
People are groaning, and I don't understand it.
No, have I ever seen a treadmill?
Yes, of course.
You mean the things you walk on?
Yeah, I've seen them millions of times.
Whatever, whatever, whatever.
You got a hammer retard.
Yeah, you walk on them.
They're in gyms, and they go,
No, that's not a treadmill?
You remind me of these fucking teachers I used to have.
I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a treadmill, no matter what you say.
It's a thing you walk on, and then, right?
You're not, what?
You wouldn't be sure that I'd seen a treadmill?
Well, you see, you're probably very bad at grading people.
Well, at some point, when you ask a student a question,
and they give you an answer,
then you have to take them on faith.
Well, there'd be no motive for me to lie about that question.
Now, I've seen dozens, hundreds, hundreds of people.
I don't want to brag, but, you know, I don't want to brag.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
In Washington, elementary school teacher Mary Kay Letourneau
pled guilty this week to having sex with a sixth grade student
whose child she bore in May.
Ms. Letourneau has been branded as a sex offender
or as the kids refer to her, the greatest teacher ever.

Teachers are the WORST

At Virginia Commonwealth University, a professor is being sued following revelations
that he spanked one of his students.
It was the student's parents who first became suspicious when they asked,
What kind of marks are you getting?
And she replied, Big red ones on my ass.
This is what's the problem with our society, though.
What is it?
When they go, hey, the hardest job in the world is being a mom.
Or the hardest job in the world is being a teacher.
It's hard. Hard jobs.
That's not.
They're hard jobs.
My mom was a teacher.
She had the two hardest jobs.
I think hooking is a harder job.
The teacher is probably the easiest job in the planet.
Why?
How can you say that?
First of all, my mother and my father were both teachers.
They got all the vacations that children do.
You're always off.
You have the entire summer.
You have two weeks Christmas, two weeks Easter.
You work in an atmosphere where it's just you and children.
With young, stupid, short, stupid people.
They don't know much.
You're brilliant.
Yeah.
You don't have to learn anything.
They're all frightened of you.
You can say anything you want.
You never take a test.
See, I don't know if you've ever gotten...
That's true.
I go now, when I was a kid, I thought my teachers were so smart.
Now I have a kid, I meet these teachers, they're not smart at all.
How can you say that?
Because it's true.
They're just like regular goofy people.
Well, that's what you realize.
And they have the only...
My kid's teacher went crazy, and they could not fire her because of...
Because the job's so hard.
The kids made her crazy.
Yeah, but she has whatever you call it, tenure.
They don't have that in any other job.
No, I know.
They have a union that has a stranglehold on...
They've got to fire you before your tenure starts.
Yeah.
That's one of the things...
They've got to fire you from the easiest job ever.
Your babysitter's funny.
Those are heroes.
Those are also the heroes.
They're like, the real heroes are the moms and the teachers.
Well, they are.
Not the guys on Hiwo Jima planting a flag.
Okay, they were heroes, too.
Not the firemen that run into buildings.
No, no.
No one's denying that those people are heroic.
It's a person that shows up at a school and is the tallest person in the class.
Oh, my God.
Wow.
That's a good one.
I'm telling you, my mom and dad were both teachers.
It's the simplest job in the world.
When I was a kid, I thought everyone got that much vacation.
I was, like, shocked to learn that you...
I thought everyone had the summer off.
I thought everyone had three weeks off for Christmas.
Well, when you're doing your own sitcoms, surely you have six months of the
year off.
I mean, that has to be teacher-esque.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
It's teacher-esque.
Don't they say that having a sitcom is about the closest you can get?
That's about the hardest job in the world.
No, shut up.
Yeah, those are the real heroes.
Oh, my God.
You're making the people laugh.
805 says, rude.
I'm a second-grade teacher and I hate you.
Rude.
That sounds like a second-grade teacher.
Now, Jimmy, that was just rude.
Can you think of another way to say that?
To be a second-grade teacher, you just have to be smarter than a second-grade
student.
That's about the only thing you have to be.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, basically, you need third-grade intelligence to teach second-grade.
You know everything that they need to know.
But a fourth-grade teacher needs, you know.
Let's take a couple of calls here.
Actually, a couple texts.
If you only need third-grade intelligence to teach second-grade, I wonder what
Norm would say about me, a preschool teacher.
Well, it's kind of obvious.
And the 503 says, Norm, thanks for dirty work.
Still one of the greatest movies ever.
What do I need to teach children to have a nap?
Maggie, you're on the air.
It says here, being a teacher, super-duper hard work.
Yeah, you know, I was an attorney for several years.
I went to Bolt Law School and I quit being an attorney to be a teacher.
And being a teacher is much more difficult work.
Is it super-duper hard?
That's what it says here.
You know, I did not say super-duper hard.
That was either a human or a lot more people there.
Do you talk about your childhood a lot?
Because I was reading about you the other day.
When you were in high school, your father was your homeroom teacher?
Oh, yeah.
Probably in grade school, yeah.
Oh.
How'd that work out?
Was he mean and strict?
He was a tough guy, yeah, yeah.
He was tough.
He was tough.
He was, uh...
It was odd.
He, uh...
He, uh...
Didn't graduate from, uh, school himself.
Because he was old when he happened.
He was, like, 50, so he was in World War II.
Yeah.
And so, you know, he was in the group of the Depression.
And then he went to World War II, and then he came back, and they said,
Oh, we have this special thing.
You'd be a teacher, you know?
You know, he had, like, a grade nine education.
And they let him be a teacher?
Well, he was teaching grade five, so he was highly over-the-half.
This was in Quebec, right?
Yeah, yeah, Quebec.
If I could tell you one thing about the real heroes of the, uh, country,
which I believe are the teachers, you know?
Oh, my God.
I don't really, I don't believe they're the real heroes.
Except, I misspoke again.
I actually, I think the real heroes are the real heroes.
Teachers, they get good press to, because people often say to me,
You know who the real heroes are?
I go, Are they the real heroes?
They go, No.
I go, Oh, they're the teachers.
It's, it's counterintuitive that it doesn't seem like a heroic job, but, yes.
First of all, if you're a teacher, you get the same fun of vacations as a child.
You get, like, four months a year off the end of life.
My vacation, I get, I have almost no time on it.
But we're 48 weeks a year.
Four weeks a year, I get up.
What about you?
You're not one of those fucking teachers, right?
You seem like a teacher.
Now, are you teaching?
What do you teach?
What grade, what grade?
What grade, what grade?
What grade, what grade?
What grade?
What grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
I said, what grade?
No, but we're great.
Not so easy when it's the other way around.
It's not so easy when it's the other way around.
I said, what grade?
It's not as easy to ask the questions.
It's not as easy to ask the questions.
It's not as easy to ask the questions.
But the real heroes are the fucking students.
I said, what grade do you teach?
9, 2, 12.
So you need a grade 13 education.
No, you're the real hero.
No, you're the real hero.
No, I'm just kidding.
You're the real hero.
You're not the real hero.
Shut the fuck up.
I know, it's a fun thing to say.
But what do you do?
What do you do for a living that your wife's the real hero?
What?
You know you're not the actual real hero, don't you?
I'm like obsessed.
Didn't you see how obsessed she is?
So you actually feel you're the real hero.
See, I think you've described yourself a little.
'Cause I believe real heroes don't think they are.
She says, when you hear the real heroes, they go, how the fuck did you run into
that fucking fire and pull the guy out?
You're a hero.
They go, now it's a teacher's.
Not me.
I'm a little scared now.
I got to go right now.
I got to pull the guy out of a fire.
That's a good job.
Come on.
Everybody's shorter than you.
At the university.
They have to do whatever the fuck you said.
No, I'm just kidding.
What did you say?
What?
What?
What?
I've never called you a retard.
that's a good job come on everybody's shorter than you
they have to do whatever the fuck you said
oh
it's an odd word for a school teacher
I didn't know that people that were teaching our young children
banging around words like retard
I'm just kidding, now they do a lot of good
you know what I read actually, that's a serious statistic
they actually fuck more students than
talk to a hero
they actually fuck more students than you can believe this
than priests, you know how priests
nobody likes priests
nobody's going around, but priests are the real heroes
and yet actual priests, who I know
I'm not a Catholic, but I know pastors
and my God, most of them that I know do the Lord's work
I mean, they go out and they're in hospitals and stuff
and they're doing stuff and they're doing stuff
and for no money, you know, and no recognition
and it's got to kill them, like, going, yeah, people think, uh, fuck kids
like, if I was a priest, man, like, if I was a priest, man, I'd just let them,
you know, like, I'd do a TV commercial, I'd go, hey, listen, I have Father Norm
here, run out of my church, I won't fuck your kid, I'll tell you what, that's
the first thing, I promise you
I'll tell you a little something by myself
I'm Father Norm, as I told you, and, uh, 20 years or so ago, I took a vow of chastity,
you know, what that means is, I cannot have sex with a lady, you know
now, that's tough, because I like ladies, and especially the ones, you ever see
those ones where they, uh, press their tits together, kind of, they got a
little cleavage showing, but they look kind of whorey, but it looks like they
don't throw their whores
anyway, that's my type, everybody has their own time
the point is, I don't even fuck them, let alone a child pronounce it
why would I want to fuck a child
so anyways, but now to Father Norm
but I will not fuck your kid
and you can leave your big-tid whore wife at home
I don't need that fucking woman hanging around, asking any questions all the
time
that's a little chunky
you gotta admit, though, the guy that put that flag in the Iwo Jima
he's close
he didn't know that when he got there, the fucking spacecraft would crash, or
there'd be moon aliens or shit on him
I mean, uh, I know, I know, he's not, I know it's not grade 11 biology, but
I mean, it's something
uh, imagine any fucking other fucking job, you know, you go, hey, I'm the civil
servant, I'm a hero, you know, he could be fucking returning, but
I'm a teacher, you know, he could be fucking returning, but
I'm a teacher, I'm a teacher, I'm a hero, you know, he could be fucking
returning, but
Your teacher?
Memorize this shit.
Get back tomorrow, and then you've got to tell it to me.
Remember everything I say, and then you repeat it to me.
I've got some problems for you.
I know you're a child.
And you don't have any problems.
That's the cool thing about being a child.
But guess what?
You fucking got some now.
I'm kind of going to get some heroic work to do.
I'm sure you're a nice idea.
You're pretty heroic.
But listen, guys.
Guys.
In science, do you teach Newton?
Isaac Newton?
You know, what are you, a retard?
Isaac Newton?
There's plenty of them.
The hero that called me as a retard is actually a retard result.
I'm going to get his turn on his elbow.
I'm sorry, what?
A treadmill?
Have I seen one?
Wait, I don't even get it.
It's not good.
People are groaning, and I don't understand it.
No, have I ever seen a treadmill?
Yes, of course.
You mean the things you walk on?
Yeah, I've seen them millions of times.
Whatever, whatever, whatever.
You got a hammer retard.
Yeah, you walk on them.
They're in gyms, and they go,
No, that's not a treadmill?
You remind me of these fucking teachers I used to have.
I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a treadmill, no matter what you say.
It's a thing you walk on, and then, right?
You're not, what?
You wouldn't be sure that I'd seen a treadmill?
Well, you see, you're probably very bad at grading people.
Well, at some point, when you ask a student a question,
and they give you an answer,
then you have to take them on faith.
Well, there'd be no motive for me to lie about that question.
Now, I've seen dozens, hundreds, hundreds of people.
I don't want to brag, but, you know, I don't want to brag.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've seen a lot of people.
I've