Name: Steven Wright - King of One Liners
Uploaded: 2021-08-20T15:04:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Steven Wright - King of One Liners' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Steven Wright - King of One Liners' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-20. Transcript available.

They make the water. It's a franchise. They've got 20 of them now.
They make water.
They make the water and make the bagels, and the secret is the water.
It's the best bagel.
I thought only God made water.
Only God.
There's a new product now called powdered water.
What do you mix it with?
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
It's like when the writing and the performing match, it works.
So if his writing is stone writing and his performance is stone performing, it
works.
If like, what's the guy, Stephen Wright?
If Stephen Wright didn't look so smart and, you know, bald-headed and like he
had a big brain on stage and he talks slow, then it wouldn't match his material,
you know?
I bought this thing from my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this
little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of
your car.
I installed it backwards by accident.
Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.
I remember when I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was
sleeping.
I thought to myself, you know, now's the time I should start stealing some
stuff since I don't have any fingerprints.
I was driving down the street a hundred miles an hour for no reason.
The police stopped me for speeding.
They said, why are we going so fast?
They said, why?
I had my foot to the floor.
It sends more gas through the carburetor.
It makes the engine go faster.
The whole car just takes off like that.
And I said, see this right here?
See this?
This steers it.
Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
So I'm laying there and she says to me, let me ask you this.
And I said, what?
And she said, if you could know how and when you were going to die, would you
want to know?
And I said, no.
She said, forget it then.
Every morning I get up and I make instant coffee and I drink it so I have
enough energy to make the regular coffee.
I'm thinking about my grandfather and how he had a special rocking chair built
that would lean forward rather than backwards so he could fake interests in any
conversation.
Woke up this morning and I was folding my bed back into a couch and I was broke
both lay arms because it's not one of those kind of beds.
Bought a cordless extension cord.
One time I went through a stop sign, they stopped me.
They said, why do you go through the sign?
I said, hey, I don't believe everything I read.
Doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I'm going to get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller.
I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight.
People who live above me are furious.
So I'm planning on a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the
language.
You put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you're
sleeping.
During the night the record skipped.
I got up the next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I have an air conditioner in the window in my house last summer I turned it
around the other way.
I turned it around full blast and it got cold out.
Watched the weather that night, they said it was supposed to be warm, I don't
understand.
And I was like this.
We passed the gas station, there were two signs in the window, help, wanted,
self-service.
So I went in and hired myself.
So I get out of the bed, I figured I'd go for a walk.
She said, how long are you going to be gone?
I said, the whole time.
When I was out in the middle of the desert, a UFO landed.
Three one-inch tall guys got out.
They walked over to me.
They said, are you really one-inch tall?
They said, no, we're really very far away.
I remember the day the candle shop burned down.
Everybody just stood around and sang happy birthday.
So I get off the plane and I forgot to undo my seatbelt and I'm pulling the
plane through
the terminal.
And the wings are knocking people over.
And then I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a
woman.
I remember when I was seven, my grandmother said, Stephen, come over here.
And I said, what do you mean?
She said, you know, you're over there.
Now come over here.
I said, all right.
And then she said, here's $10 and don't tell your mother that I'm giving this
to you.
And I said, it'll cost you more than that.
I got a new dog.
He's a paranoid retriever.
He brings back everything because he's not sure what I throw him.
One time, right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and I
started reading.
The guy said, what the hell are you doing?
I said, let me ask you one question.
If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light, and then
you turned your
lights on, would they do anything?
He said, I don't know.
I said, forget it then.
I don't want to work for you.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I was five years old watching TV.
Only you can prevent forest fires.
Oh, no.
Every night out the window with a bucket of water.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays helter-skelter.
One time I went to the drive-in in a cab.
The movie cost me $95.
I've been arrested several times.
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand.
If you swear to tell the whole truth, then nothing but the truth will help you
God.
Yes, you are ugly.
Woman in the jury, I'd really like to sleep with her.
Should I keep going, or are you going to ask me questions?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
My grandmother was also insane.
She had pierced hearing aids.
When I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord, I kept almost dying.
And then I went to a store and I tried to buy something to put underneath the
coasters.
My uncle was a clown for Ringling Brothers Circus.
And when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
My favorite chair is a wicker chair.
It's my favorite chair because I stole it.
I was at a party and I tried it.
I was at a party and no one was looking.
I went over to it and I unraveled it.
I'm sorry.