Name: Take My Wife, Please!
Uploaded: 2021-08-31T20:52:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Take My Wife, Please!' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Take My Wife, Please!' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-08-31. Transcript available.

How are you all? I'm glad to be here.
Take my wife, please.
I take my wife everywhere, but she finds her way home.
Hey, how about this? Take my wife, please.
You think of that joke, three-word setup, one-word punchline, four-word joke.
Four-word joke.
That's impressive.
I haven't even thought about that.
I spent the last two weeks at Disneyland.
It was so much fun.
The next time, I'm taking my wife and kids.
Worst thing I've ever read.
These are garbage.
The next time, I'll take my wife and kids.
It doesn't really make much sense.
But that's a rhythm joke.
That's a young man.
I had such a good time.
I got up this morning at the crack of my back.
Stuffed up the crack, went back to bed.
Take my wife, please.
Penny Youngman was a great friend of mine.
He was?
Oh, he was.
He was the best.
The best.
Take my wife, please.
Yeah, but nothing would lead into things.
You know, as he'd get up and just a stream of consciousness.
Woody Allen's favorite comedian was Penny Youngman.
In other words, he'd tell you a joke like this and go like this.
You know what I mean?
You go for this.
I go to the doctor.
And the doctor said to me, you look great.
You're going to live until you're 60.
I said, I am 60.
What did I tell you?
That's funny.
That's funny.
Penny Youngman was the cheapest man.
I'll never forget.
He called me one day.
He said, hello, Jack.
Oh, my wife died.
Can you do a club date for me?
That was it.
My wife died.
Can you do this club date for me?
Youngman, I'll never forget that.
I just hung up.
My wife died.
In the same breath, can you do a club date for me?
Yeah, I just don't.
You know, today I found a guy's hand in my pocket.
I said, what do you want?
He said, I want a match.
I said, why didn't you ask for this?
I don't talk to strangers.
I had an uncle up here who was a psychic.
Knew the exact day he was going to die.
The warden told him.
A drunk gets into a taxi.
He said, take me to the Waldorf Astori Hotel.
He says, you're at the Waldorf Astori Hotel.
He said, next time, no drive so fast.
I got a wonderful doctor.
Before the operation, he touches up the x-ray.
A guy walks in the doctor.
He said, doctor, I have a ring in my ear.
What do I do?
He said, don't answer.
Another fellow walks in the doctor.
The doctor said, you're going to live to be 60.
He said, I am 60.
He said, what a 10.
I said, doctor, it hurts when I do that.
He said, don't do that.
The doctor said to me, get undressed.
He said, take me out a few times.
I'm standing there naked.
The doctor said, go over the window.
Stink your tongue out the window.
I said, but what?
He said, I'm mad at my neighbor.
I said, doc, I got shingles.
He tried to sell me aluminum siding.
The fellow said to another fellow, look, take this gun.
Go in the bank.
Tell her, tell her you want the money.
Get the money in the bag.
Back out.
Anybody gets in your way.
Shoot the kill.
And come right outside.
Give me the money.
I'll be sitting in the car.
And I'm taking all the chances.
He said, you mean to tell me you want me to go in there with the gun?
Hold up the teller.
Get the money.
Back out.
Anybody gets in the way, shoot the kill, bring the money out to me in the car.
And you say, you're taking all the chances.
How are you taking all the chances?
He said, I can't drive.
Here's what I do myself.
I want to do this myself because I like it.
As a man lost in the woods comes upon a monastery, a religious building outside
the monastery.
The friars and their costumes and the monks are working.
And he tells them he's hungry and he's lost and they invite him in.
They say, all we have to eat is fish and chips.
And he eats the fish and chips and he loves the fish.
He says, I'd like to meet the man who made the fish.
They bring a man out and say, you're the fish friar?
He says, no, I'm the chipmunk.
Next scene, picture this.
A funeral procession, two hearses.
Behind the hearse walks a man with a vicious dog and a hundred men in the
funeral procession.
So a fellow steps off the curb.
He says, what's going on here?
He says, my wife and my mother-in-law.
My dog bit them.
He says, can I borrow the dog?
He says, get in line.
In the next scene, I'm sitting on the stool having a drink.
Over here's the man on the stool having a drink.
He falls down three times.
I pick him up each time.
Bartender, where does this man live?
I'll give him a lift home.
Tells me where he lives.
Grab the man.
Pull him down to the car.
Open the back seat.
Put him in.
He falls down.
I get to the address they gave me.
I pull the man out of the car.
He falls down three more times.
I pick him up each time.
I knock on the door.
Mrs. Einstein, I brought your husband home.
She says, where's his wheelchair?
That is Rodman.
Here's an interesting thing.
Do you ever notice this?
Yeah.
Any young man is an old man.
Yeah.
But Gary Old Man is a young man.
What about Paul New Man is an old man?
You got another one?
What about Gary Mann is a guy who works over at Comedy Central?
What happened?
I don't know.