Name: No Respect! Best of Rodney Dangerfield One Liner
Uploaded: 2021-09-01T21:54:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'No Respect! Best of Rodney Dangerfield One Liner' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'No Respect! Best of Rodney Dangerfield One Liner' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-01. Transcript available.

Here's a story about Rodney, man.
He was a fucking guy.
Kept doing coke and shit.
You know, you get scared at some point.
You stop doing drugs.
Right, right.
Most humans.
Not him.
This fucker, 80, whatever he was, doing all kinds of shit.
Saga told me this story, right?
So he's in the hospital, and he's got a fucking brain tumor
that's going to cause a heart attack, all this crazy shit, right?
Right.
So everybody's worried about him.
Just leaves the hospital two days later, right?
Walks out on his own.
Yeah, so he's in the comedy store with two hookers,
and he's waiting for Ron Jeremy to show up.
Oh, my goodness.
So this is two days later.
So Saga told me he walked in.
He was, like, completely shocked.
He said, Rodney, how you doing?
Well, what's going on?
He goes, how are you doing?
And Rodney goes, how am I doing?
He goes, I'm sitting here with two whores waiting for a guy
who can suck his own dick.
How you doing?
Still very quick.
Yeah.
Okay, and my problem is I drink too much, way too much.
So I get my doctor a urine specimen.
There was an olive in it.
Hey, oh, kid, I know I'm ugly.
I stuck my head out the window, got arrested for mooning.
I know I'm ugly.
I went to a freak show that let me in for nothing.
Kid, I was an ugly kid, too.
How ugly.
How ugly?
I was so ugly, my mother breastfed me through a straw.
I'm ugly.
I'm Tony.
I'm a proctologist.
He stuck his finger in my mouth.
What's going to need nothing?
I mean, I got a niece, an ugly girl.
She got married.
She's happy.
She might have an ugly guy.
And today they got two very ugly kids.
Ugly kids, yes.
Nice.
In fact, they're all so ugly in a family album.
They only keep the negatives.
I mean, fat, honey.
What did you think about a large person?
I mean, I think this girl was fat and ugly.
Who was she ugly?
Ugly.
How ugly?
I took her to the beach.
They asked me what I used for bait.
She's ugly, shit, you kid.
When I took her home, my mother put newspapers on the floor.
I mean, ugly.
I gave her a hickey.
I got fur in my mouth.
I was an ugly kid, too.
I had plenty of pimples.
One day, I fell asleep in the library.
I woke up.
A blind man was reading my face.
I mean, ugly.
When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I was talking to my doctor.
You know my doctor.
Dr. Vinnie Boombat.
You know my doctor?
Yeah.
Well, he told me last week in his office, he got six cases of VD.
I mean, he's all right now, you know.
And my doctor, he don't help either.
He told me to run five miles a day for two weeks.
I called him up.
I said, Doc, I'm 70 miles from my house.
I'll tell you my trouble.
I got the wrong doctor.
You know my doctor.
Dr. Vinnie Boombat.
You know my doctor?
What a doctor.
You kidding?
What a doctor.
I called him up.
I told him I had diarrhea.
He put me on hold.
Oh, he's a strange doctor.
Strange doctor.
Oh, are you kidding?
And I asked him if my heart was strong enough to sex.
He told me not if I join in, you know.
I'll tell you my trouble.
I got the wrong doctor.
You know my doctor.
Dr. Vinnie Boombat.
You know my doctor?
What a doctor.
I got a real.
What a doctor.
I called him last week.
I told him, Doc, I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Life not easy.
Not easy.
You can't trust doctors either.
They're all mixed up.
You kidding?
I really think so, huh?
My proctologist used to be a photographer.
Yeah.
Yeah, he took x-rays.
Told me to bend over and say cheese.
Well, one time I saw him.
He gave me sleeping pills.
He told me to take them whenever I wake up.
When you know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombat.
So my doctor, my daughter, will ya?
What a doctor.
He's really mixed up.
He grabbed my knee and told me to cough and hit me in the balls with a hammer.
I mean, last week was rough.
Are you kidding?
Last week I looked up my family tree.
Two dogs were using it.
I mean, when I was a kid, it was different.
I had it rough.
When I was two years old, my parents got a dog.
And I was jealous of the dog.
So they got rid of me.
My wife, I got no sex life.
The dog, he's watching me in the bedroom, wants to learn how to beg.
I told him to watch my wife and learn how to roll over and play dead.
I tell you, I'm sorry.
I was a little late getting here tonight.
You know, my dog, he started trouble again.
I mean, I got a dog.
He tries to run the whole house.
The other night, he started trouble.
He went over the front door, he started to bark.
I went over, I opened the front door.
The dog didn't want to go out.
He wanted me to leave.
My dog, too.
She gives me trouble.
Your dog?
Yeah, yeah.
I got a female dog, you know.
I tried to mate her.
She wants 50 biscuits.
And I tell you, I got a dumb dog, too, my dog.
We call him Egypt.
Every room, he leaves a pyramid.
And my wife, I got no sex life, either.
At my house, we put the mirror over the dog's bed.
Are you kidding?
I know, I'm ugly.
My dog found out we look alike.
He killed himself.
How many kids have you had?
I got two kids.
I love my kids.
Yeah, you know, I know that.
I love my kids, of course.
But our boy gives me trouble.
Really?
He's at the age now, he copies everything.
He sees something, he copies it, you know.
Oh.
Just give him a taste of everything.
Yeah.
That's why we got rid of the dog.
You're all right.
No, they're very impressionable at that age.
A peculiar feeling with your son standing there with one leg.
This afternoon, my wife cracked up the car again.
I was out driving her.
She told me she would make a U-turn.
I'll tell you, the letter she made, you'll never find any alphabet.
Oh, yeah, my wife can't do nothing right.
She can't cook.
The worst cook in the world.
Gave my kid alphabet soup.
He spelled out help.
What a lousy cook.
I mean, how can toast have bones?
She's a lousy cook, too.
She can't cook at all.
If I leave dental floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves.
And I'll tell you, my wife, she can't cook either.
My house, we pray after we eat.
I bought a pressure cooker.
Now I eat off the ceiling.
What a lousy cook.
I don't think meatloaf should glow in the dark.
I mean, if she can't cook at all in my backyard,
the fire's chipped in to fix the screen door.
Now, I'll tell you, my wife, with eating, there's always problems.
She's a strict vegetarian.
In fact, when I met her, she was grazing on her front lawn.
I mean, she can't cook at all.
She made chocolate mousse and ant that got stuck in my throat.
That's really annoying my wife, the way she serves a meal.
Serves badly?
No.
I mean, you put down a steak.
I'll tell you, I'm all right now, but last week, I was in rough shape, you know?
Yeah, last week, my wife signed me up for a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
I mean, last week, nothing went right.
I bought a waterbed.
There were two Cuban guys swimming in it, looking for Florida.
Last week, I went to the track, too.
That was a beauty.
They shot off the opening gun.
They killed my horse.
I'll tell you, nothing works out.
My car broke down.
I got a car.
I got nothing but trouble.
Every Sunday, I take my family out for a push.
The last time my wife drove the car, she cracked it up and into a tree.
She told me it wasn't her fault.
She blew the horn.
My wife isn't too smart, you know?
One night she went out, some guy stole the car.
I said to her, just see what they look like.
She told me she got the license plate number.
She's not smart at all.
I told her, our kid is spoiled.
She told me a lot of kids smell that way, you know?
I'll tell you, it's tough to stay married.
And my wife, how do you think I feel?
She kissed the dog on her lips and she won't drink from my glass.
I mean, as always, my wife's father, he just moved in, too, has electronic pacemaker.
Every time he sneezes, the garage door opens.
I'll tell you, life isn't easy.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I said to him, if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion.
He said, all right, you're ugly, too.
Real kid, and I know I'm ugly.
Halloween, I open the front door, kids give me candy.
My dog find out we look alike.
He killed himself.
I was an ugly kid, too.
I worked in a pet store.
People kept asking how big I get.
Too fast for this whole section over here.
Kid, and I was ugly in my sandbox.
The cat kept covering me up all the time, you know?
You know, what a childhood I had.
My mother never breastfed me.
She told me she liked me as a friend.
Now, the kid today is different.
They got a two-good.
They don't appreciate it either.
Last Christmas, my kid wanted a BB gun.
I gave him a BB gun.
He gave me a sweatshirt with a bullseye in the back.
Smart kid I got.
The other day, I told him about the birds and the bees.
He told me about my wife and a butcher.
Now, I tell you, my whole life is pressure.
Nothing but pressure.
This pressure is like a heaviness.
Always on top of me, this heaviness.
Since I'm a kid, other people wake up in the morning.
Ah, new day, up and out of them.
I wake up, the heaviness is right there waiting for me.
And sometimes I even talk to it.
And I say, hi, heaviness.
And the heaviness looks back at me.
Today, you're going to get it good.
You'll be drinking early today.
And I don't want to drink.
I'm a bad drinker.
When I drink the next day, I've got to do two things.
I try and locate my car.
And I've got to bring back the car I took.
I'm a bad.
You know the trouble with me?
I appeal to everyone who can do me absolutely no good.
With me, nothing comes easy.
I met the Surgeon General.
He offered me a cigarette.
I mean, that's the story of my life.
No respect.
I don't get no respect at all.
Are you kidding me?
I was in a bar.
They told me to get out.
They wanted to start the happy hour.
I mean, it's not easy being me.
Well, last week, my house was on fire.
My wife told the kids, be quiet.
You'll wake up daddy.
No, but I tell you, I finally got some respect.
They asked me here tonight, you know.
And I tell you, I'm surprised I'm here.
I mean, I voted for Randolph Scott.
I got a cigarette, okay?
You don't mind, do you?
You should give that up.
I got a crazy doctor told me to keep smoking.
I want to stop chewing guns.
So what the heck?
How long do you expect to be in Shanghai?
How long do you expect to be in Shanghai?
How long do you expect to be in Shanghai?
How long do you expect to be in Shanghai?
How long do you expect to be in Shanghai?
How long do you expect to be in Shanghai?
How long do you expect to be in Shanghai?