Name: Norm Macdonald Self Deprecating Jokes
Uploaded: 2021-09-08T04:50:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Self Deprecating Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Self Deprecating Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-08. Transcript available.

Well you gained weight. You gained a lot of weight. So we killed this guy. I
gained 45 pounds. I was going to say something actually. What? Well I thought
you'd been gaining some weight. Yeah I gained 45 pounds. You okay? What's going
on? I'm doing it for a movie. For what? What's the role? What are you playing?
Jackie Gleason? What do you mean you're doing it for a movie? It's not a
particular movie. I just think they always need a fat guy in a movie. You're
doing hard. You're paying it forward. Hey listen have you noticed my enormous
weight gain? No. I've gained 45 pounds.
You know why I started to gain the weight. I told you. I'm up 45 pounds and it
was for a role in a movie. That's right it was. Anyways whatever. What was the
role for again? It wasn't a particular role but I figured they always need a
big fat guy in a movie. Turns out they don't. They have plenty of fat guys that
are much more experienced at acting and at being a fat guy than I am.
I thought we were going to be doing a bit where you're like a Jiminy Glick
character. Yeah no I'm fat. What happened? Fried chicken and gravy. Let me tell
you something. I thought it was funny. Your heart could. I thought gaining a
lot of weight would be funny.
And also I started out I was doing it for a role Andy. I'm serious. No. What
role? Well there wasn't a specific role but I was looking for a fat guy. I'm
telling you. My manager. No my landlord rather. He managed to get rid of 230
pounds of ugly fat. He evicted me.
What? Here read this. No read this. I want to read that one again. Here read
that.
Sir we all know about Norm's astonishing weight gain but I think it's become a
bit worrisome. So let's agree to stop having fun at his expanse.
Say what you want about how huge and fat my head has gotten. But you'll. Who'll.
Ah forget it.
Try iron.
You know my clothes Larry make me look slimmer.
But they did not fool that flight of stairs that collapsed under my astonishing
new girth.
Papa. Papa. Papa. What do you call that?
Papa. Papa John's.
Oh okay.
A Papa John's delivery man has been arrested for allegedly selling more than 40,000
in cocaine.
Hidden in pizza boxes.
Jesus.
To undercover police officers. This raises an important question.
Where's all that pizza that was supposed to go in those boxes. Can I have them
to eat?
I'm a big fat guy.
Well I'm fat.
I'm so fat when I get my shoe shined that I have to take the boot blacks word
for it.
You haven't seen your penis in three weeks.
I'm keeping it clean.
Jesus Christ.
Well it's not what fat people say.
My penis?
This is where most of my weight goes.
Straight to whatever the fuck this is.
I'm going to find a really good joke.
You guys talk.
And I'll find a good joke.
So Adam.
Yeah.
Is it hard to not drink?
You know you've gained too much weight by the way when your chair guy refuses
to work with you anymore.
But go ahead.
So you're probably no body fat.
Oh I have a little bit in the rim here.
Yeah.
I got more than that.
My legs, my arms are thin.
My arms are thin.
I don't have, I used to have jaws.
I don't have jaws.
I have more chins than that.
How old are you?
Huh?
How old are you?
I said I'll be 50 in October.
I, I, I, I'm going to lose it though.
You're the happiest I've ever seen it.
And since I've gained it, I sweat like a, like a, like a, like a whore in
church.
I don't mean to be a, I don't mean to be filthy, but a whore in church.
Yeah.
She's nervous.
So she sweats.
Sweats like a Chris Dorner in a big bear cabin.
Okay.
Come on.
Well, I'm just racist.
My only chance to lose in 15 pounds is if I went to a British casino.
To be honest with you.
I don't know.
Yeah.
This is what my doctor told me.
I go to my doctor, right?
Right.
Right.
I say, I say to my doctor, doc.
Uh, uh, what's going on?
My doctor says, you are fat.
I said, how fat am I?
He said, you're so fat that, uh, if you don't stop within a month, you could
have a heart attack
or a stroke.
That's not funny.
That's not a comedian.
No.
I was expecting a joke.
You're expecting a joke?
Yeah.
I thought it sounded like you were a...
My cardiologist?
I guess.
Well, the doctor did say sometimes the fat moves to your brain and you get
dementia.
Yeah, that might be the lard.
My doctor told me I should start juicing, you know?
You mean...
The problem is, I don't think he meant ham juicing.
What?
Yeah, I squeezed a ham and I got some juice out of it.
Oh.
I thought you...
I thought you were going to be, you know.
That's so stupid.
Really?
Hey, news media, leave Kim Kardashian alone, will ya?
She's pregnant, of course she's going to gain weight.
And if anyone knows about rapid weight gain, it's me.
You know, I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and
say oink.
I thought that was a little out of line, Tom.
No, listen.
Seriously.
You can be as cruel as you want about it because...
I'm not being cruel.
I'm trying to help you.
I'm trying to be your friend because...
Well, thank you.
Your heart could seize up or whatever.
That's what my doctor said.
He did?
He said it was alarming.
Oh, my God.
You know what my doctor said to me, Andy?
He said, I said, okay, enough of this, you know.
He said, okay, open your mouth and say oink.
I'm like...
Come on.
You know, I may have told you this, but my doctor's getting very rude.
The last time I went to him, he said, open your mouth and say oink.
I think we've come to the fact...
You need to find a new doctor.
I need to find a new...
This guy sounds like a real asshole.
New internist.
Why do you continue to swear?
I don't know.
Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Do you see your face?
Oh, yeah, it's me with a huge, fat fucking face.
Yeah, I didn't want to be the one to say it.
Yeah, I've been having a lot of trouble.
My doctor, he said, he's not a very nice guy.
He said, open your mouth and say oink.
Yeah, you need to get better insurance, Norm.
Insurance?
He was calling me a fat pig.
Well, I mean, nobody's going to disagree with him.
Oh.
Kassem.
I'm sorry, Norm.
I've got an acid tongue.
You do.
You're an acid-tongued Arab.
Most guys try to lose weight.
Right.
But I'm...
Yeah.
I try to become a huge, fat guy.
So anyways, he said, that's not funny.
He says, that's alarming.
I think it's funny.
I think it's funny, too.
Yeah, it's pretty funny.
But he said that it's quite alarming and that I'm in a lot of trouble.
And I said, well, I think it's funny, and I'm the comedian.
What did you...
I'm not eating well.
I know that.
I understand.
What did we eat?
We don't need video evidence of that.
We don't need to go to video...
Good morning.
Remember that?
Yes.
We went to Denny's.
You had two eggs over my hammy and half my pancakes.
Then on the way over here, we stopped at 7-Eleven.
You remember that?
Yeah.
You had a few hot dogs and a big bag of pork rinds.
Yeah.
And five minutes ago, you had four donuts and a chip wish.
Yeah.
Well, you snooze, I eat half your fucking pancakes, fucker.
What did we eat right before we did the show?
We ate chicken.
Yeah.
What kind of chicken?
What was it called?
Honey kettle chicken.
Fried chicken.
Fried chicken.
Yeah, a big plate of it.
Yeah.
And I asked the girl...
Huge mistake.
I said, what...
Why is it so much for the extra gravy?
Give me like a trough of gravy.
I've never seen that much gravy.
That was a lot of gravy.
You just...
I drank the gravy.
You really did.
What did we eat right before this podcast?
I had three whole fried chickens.
What else?
Biscuits and gravy.
And?
I don't want to say that third thing.
What else?
What was the other thing?
Whatever.
Lard.
Exactly.
I like lard because there's like a purity to it.
And you know I grew up poor.
You know?
Frankly, I was just impressed that they carried lard at the place.
You don't see that too often.
Yeah.
No, I bring that.
I brought that with me.
A can of lard.
This is what I used to look like.
That's Fathom right there.
And, uh...
That's you?
That's me.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
That was on a good day, too.
Is that like a fake picture?
No, that's not a fake picture.
Coming up on 250...
Do I look like that fucking fat pig?
Well, maybe not that fat.
I mean, this is your future, Norm.
This is my promise.
Okay.
To the people of the video podcast network world,
I will not eat a single morsel of food
until Margaret Thatcher is dead and buried.
She died three weeks ago.
We'll be right back with Larry King.