Name: Norm Macdonald Risky Black Jokes
Uploaded: 2021-09-12T12:09:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Risky Black Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Risky Black Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-12. Transcript available.

130 years after the Civil War, the state of Mississippi has finally voted to
abolish slavery.
Representatives say they would have liked to have done it sooner, but they were
delayed due to some awfully big cotton crops.
They had to... had some... big cotton thing.
All right.
In Colorado this week, Bob Dole warned that if Pat Buchanan is the Republican
nominee,
the party might lose both the presidency and control of Congress.
In response, Buchanan warned that if anyone other than himself becomes
president, blacks will retain the right to boast.
Last night, the epic disaster film Twister opened to big box office and some
controversy.
The Reverend Jesse Jackson has called for a boycott of the movie, claiming that
not enough black people in the film are killed by tornadoes.
Meanwhile, Furman, who was expected to face disciplinary action by the LAPD,
may get off lightly.
Under the terms of a controversial plea bargain, the charges against him have
been reduced to, quote,
one count of using the word "darky."
In the wake of the verdict, angry Benendez defense attorney Leslie Abramson
said,
"The jury simply chose not to believe the brothers' excuse that they had been
sexually abused by their father."
And says she knows why, quote, "It's because my clients are black."
President Clinton was in Austin, Texas, last Monday, the day of the Million Man
March.
The president said in a speech, "I'm here to speak to you today because right
now, in Washington, D.C.,
there's like a million black guys."
In Nashua, New Hampshire this week, a high school student, Chris Connolly,
while attempting to dunk a basketball, lost his balance, crashed down on the
rim, and shattered two front teeth.
Gee, I wonder if, by some crazy chance, Chris is, uh, white.
This week, as America marked the 50th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's entry
into Major League Baseball,
there was a sobering reminder that racial prejudice in sports is not yet a
thing of the past.
In a shocking move, today, all but one of the 125 playing members of the
Professional Golf Association
has signed a petition to ban African-American golfers from the tour.
And now, a correction to a story we ran last week.
Prince Charles is actually the one in the middle.
We apologize for that.
I don't know why black was black as bad.
Black is great.
Black is great.
Black is fantastic.
Right?
Yeah, I mean so.
Yeah, black is fantastic.
Even though, you know, they're not black anymore.
But then again, we're not white, right?
Right.
We're pink like his fuckin' asshole.
I've seen it.
We're all the color of Bobby's asshole deep down.
Beautiful.
That's beautiful.
Roseanne hired me as a stand-up.
You know, I was doing stand-up and Roseanne said,
"Would you like to be on the show and act?"
You know, "You're going to be Laurie's boyfriend."
I said, "I can't act."
I should have said I could act.
Yeah.
So anyway, she said, "Well, why don't you be a writer?"
But one time in the writing room, she would give jobs to crazy guys sometimes.
And she gave jobs to African-American.
I don't know what you call them.
I call them African-Americans.
Those two words that are never heard in the state of Texas, you know.
That's a joke, someone told me.
And we're saying African-American.
And when you say that, it feels uncomfortable, right, to your tongue?
No.
What are you supposed to say?
Well, just tell me what you're supposed to say.
Well, I definitely would not say the "A" word.
Right.
That's what I call it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The A-A, the A-A word.
Yeah, yeah, African-American.
African-American.
Can you do an African-American accent?
I'll try, yeah.
Okay, we'll give you an African-American.
An African-American accent.
Your mom is so fat, she developed type 2 diabetes and congestive heart failure.
Snap.
Hey, George, my mother is so fat, when she came to Vegas, they had to build
another hotel.
Guy goes, you got the do-rag.
You know, I'm talking about a woman, you know, and I don't want her to answer
the phone.
It could be a job, you know.
And then, you know, after you take the do-rag, you wipe off your dick with the
do-rag.
And I'm like, no, I don't do that.
But everyone in the audience is like, yeah, we all do that.
We all wipe our dicks off.
Do you know the Harlem Shake?
I've seen it on every single commercial.
You've seen it.
Then you'll appreciate this joke.
I remember back when the Harlem Shake was just a black fella holding me upside
down off a fire
escape trying to collect his money.
Orange is the new black.
But not in my apartment building.
Kevin is the new black.
Presidential fact.
Barack Obama is the first president to ever say the N-word as a term of endearment.
That's not how George Washington used it.
No, I don't think it was a term of endearment.
Today is the 11th birthday of President Obama's youngest daughter, Sasha.
Or as I like to call her, the uppity one.
Oh, goodness gracious.
Yeah.
Jesus.
I'm a regular Mozart.
Michelle Obama has booked a cameo on the ABC show Nashville.
Start again.
All right.
Kids today.
You can't spell A-B-C.
Wow.
Michelle Obama has booked a cameo on the ABC show Nashville.
With this and her appearance on iCarly, I think Michelle is ready to start
appearing in films.
May I suggest my favorite film series, Black Ass Fuckers?
I found the secret to life is there is no problem that a huge...
Now, I found the secret to life, Bob, and this is it.
There is no problem big enough that a huge...
That a huge, that a huge what?
No, I found the secret, I found out the secret to life.
Yes, oh, great one.
Yes.
And it is this.
There is no problem big enough that a huge black cock cannot fix.
Dr. Dre announced that he's the first hip-hop billionaire, a regular J Paul
ghetto.
Two businessmen bought the Milwaukee Bucks for 550 million dollars.
They are very excited with their purchase.
As this is the only legal way to own black people.
Now that is here, and I read that.
Well, you're nuts.
There, you know how businessmen are racist.
They are.
Yeah, so it's them being racist.
They are.
The two businessmen that bought the Milwaukee Bucks for 550 million dollars are
racist.
According to this...
Oh, no, they're fine, man.
Well, here's actually a joke about Donald Sterling.
Oh, good.
All the charities that Donald Sterling donated millions of dollars to are
giving the money back to him.
Well, that'll show him.
It's not bad.
Never trust a black guy wearing a Dirk Nowitzki jersey.
In game one of the Western Conference Finals between the Mavericks and the
Thunder,
Magic Johnson said that Dirk Nowitzki is playing like he has three legs.
Which is a nice way of saying he's playing like a black guy.
Show Oklahoma City second round NBA playoffs.
Great dunk from Westbrook.
Though I'd be more impressed if he weren't young and black.
Moscow Roy Jones Jr. is down.
Boring.
If I wanted to see an old black guy get punched in the face, I'd look out my
window.
Eastern Conference Final in Miami.
And LeBron crushes Kyle Cover in transition.
Always shocking when a black guy running forward is faster than a white guy
running back.
Usually I pick the bigger, blacker guy.
President Obama is a phenomenal player at basketball for a President of the
United States.
But I think he's just mediocre for a black guy.
Hey, what about bringing in Jackie Robinson?
Only team with a black guy in it.
That's not cheating?
Where I grew up, that's cheating.
Last week, Indiana Pacer Danny Granger called Joe Kim Noah of the Chicago Bulls
a coward.
Now where I come from, those are fighting words.
But I have no idea how the black community views them.
Middleweight boxer Bernard Hopkins has caused a stir by implying that Donovan
McNabb is not black enough.
The two men have decided to settle their differences with an old-fashioned game
of "Who cannot catch a cab?"
Everybody's bringing up these licenses for illegals and that they need to have
them.
My question is, where are they getting the license plates?
Obviously, we're letting them register vehicles without licenses, and in this
day of car bonds and stuff, I don't know if that's a good idea.
Thank you, Dan, from Boise.
Norm, what's your feeling?
Well, I know that the New York governor, Governor Spitzer, I'm trying to get to
learn things.
But he doesn't want to issue licenses to illegal immigrants, you know, and I
don't know how the hell you're going to get a cab in New York City anymore.
It's hard enough, you know, for me especially, as a black man.
Have you heard about this Huckleberry Finn thing?
I heard something about they wanted to take the N-word out, right?
Yeah, anyways, I wanted to bring it up before I forgot, and then we'll get on
to my project.
All right, do you have any observation on it, any tweets on it, or just the
cognizance of the fact that they wanted to do it?
No, well, I feel it's a thorny issue.
No, that wasn't the whole thing.
I thought you were going to go, like, how so?
Tell us more, Norm.
Why don't you do...
I feel it's a thorny issue.
Yeah, me too.
Why, Norm?
Well, you've got Mark Twain, and you're talking about...
I mean, for those of you who don't know, you know, what I'm talking about, they've
taken out the N-word, you know, out of many of the books of Huckleberry Finn.
Norm, they've taken out...
And so you've got a thorny issue that I think I have a solution to.
Do I hear it?
Oh, man, please.
Never anything more.
Well, the thorny issue is this.
Yeah.
You know, you don't want to take, you know, Mark Twain, you know, one of the
greatest writers ever to brush paper with ink, you know, and change his words,
for God's sake.
On the other side of the coin, you don't want to have a young African-American
boy in school, you know, hearing that word out loud and causing him pain.
So it's a thorny issue.
But I figure it this way.
You've read Huckleberry Finn.
You are so splendidly demented.
Yeah, I've read it.
I've read it.
You know it's written in the first person by Huckleberry Finn.
Yes, I do.
And you know it includes the N-word.
Yes.
Therefore, you just change Huckleberry Finn to a black kid.
And everything's...
It's like a rap song at that point, right?
Exactly.
Everything's cool.