Name: Norm Macdonald The Ventriloquist
Uploaded: 2021-10-02T20:20:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald The Ventriloquist' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald The Ventriloquist' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-02. Transcript available.

What, are you still toying with the idea of the puppet act, or were you toying
me?
Oh, no, no, no, I, uh, what, you want to hear that guy?
I just remember you telling me you were working on a ventriloquist act.
Yeah, we don't call it puppet act, but thanks a lot, man, for the respect.
The new thing, the new thing is, as you call it the puppet act, we call it ventriloquism.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't want you to be slumming there.
It's kind of post-modern ventriloquism, where the, he almost, the, the act
almost, uh, you
know, talked about the, the, the, the non-existence of the, you know, he, he
cops to the fact that
it's an inanimate object.
You've heard that.
A reductivist approach.
Yeah, and they've also, I've noticed they've exchanged, you know, they used to
have just
have the wood, like you, your joke would work, the lathe, back in the, in the
late 70s when
you told it, right, but now, they've replaced the, the Charlie McCarthy's with
these giant,
much more likable Muppet-type characters.
Oh, right, right, right.
Right, so it would be like a, because they, they found they were making too
many movies where
the, where the antagonist of the film was a ventriloquist dummy.
Nothing but pure evil.
Right.
So then the ventriloquist were going, oh my God, this is not going to be good
for my act.
The malevolence factor.
So they went to like sort of a sleeping bag with a face on it, the big plush
thing.
That's what it looks like.
Uh-huh.
But, uh, now, Rusty's Wood, my guy.
Wait a second.
Saberhagen, you have to isolate that quote.
That, that is going to be played regularly on this show.
Rusty's Wood, my guy.
It's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
Oh, tell me about Rusty.
Hey, what, another guy canceled?
I don't know.
What's Rusty look like?
What, Rusty?
I know, I'll get him out of the bag in a minute, but listen, man.
Well, listen, Norman, I can't tell you how good it is to hear from you.
You know I think you're a genius.
You know I love you.
What, is it over?
Well, we got it coming.
I haven't played a commercial yet this hour.
No, but are we going to do another bit after the commercial?
Can you stay?
Hold on, man.
Let me ask Rusty.
We'll be right back with the guys on the Dennis Miller Show.
Starring, is his name Sandy?
Rusty.
Rusty.
Rusty.
How many, how many, uh, how many puppets do you have?
I got three.
Three in the bag?
Yeah, I got, uh, I got them cheaper because there were three.
But these are not cheap.
I paid a pretty penny for them.
Like, uh, one of them worked with, uh, Paul Winchell.
This guy was a fortune.
And, uh, then he's, uh, one guy, Rusty's the main guy.
Plus, I got a book.
Should I do it?
You know, hold on a sec.
What the?
Uh, that's just Gervitz phoning.
He's phoning to ask me if, uh, I'm, I'm on with you guys.
Should I take it?
Well, Gervitz checking up on you.
We're all somebody's puppet, Norm.
You know, that's our plan in life.
Why do you keep saying puppet?
Jeez, man.
I don't know.
Well, with these personas that you have.
Anyway, now, to me.
What's the Winchell?
Real.
They're as real as, uh, you know, anything real.
Like a person.
Well, how, I, I don't.
I have three.
One's, uh, Rusty's, but, as it says in the book, he's my, uh, main man.
And he's just, like, an everyman, you know.
This guy will say anything.
And then there's, uh, one puppet that's no good at all.
That's, uh, he's just, he's an old guy and he's, uh, cranky about everything.
Right?
But also, he doesn't believe the Holocaust has to.
He's, like, the worst puppet character ever.
Like, you know, in everyone, I never want to talk to him.
I never use him, because it always comes back to that.
Steve in Vermont.
The puppet is in Steve in Vermont.
Nah, he's the worst, man.
The guy's, like, the guy's just, first of all, he's playing wrong.
He's not, like, an evil guy, just ignorant.
Like, old man will be.
But anyway, the third one's Richard Nixon.
Actually.
You can talk to any of them.
I don't care.
I know, I'm not talking to, I'm not talking to old man Jenkins.
I am not a puppet.
Thank you, Norm.
Norm, the last time I talked to you, you were working with a puppet.
Does that still hold true?
Why?
They're not called puppets, man.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What are they?
Telequist dummies.
And even that is a little apathetic.
What would you imagine they'd like to be called in a perfect way?
Well, I call them my friends.
Yeah, of course.
My friends in the bag.
Well, Christian wanted me to do this, but I don't know where that bag is.
What were some of the puppets?
Who was your rat pack in there?
I had, well, I had my regular guy, Brad.
He's my, he's just my buddy, you know.
And then I got this old man, and I had trouble with him.
He's, he's too cranky.
Right, right.
And it turned out, I don't even want, I don't even want to mention what he
believed.
And weren't you, weren't you also beginning to work with a young Chippewa girl?
Oh, that one was too expensive.
I wish I could find my Richard Nixon doll, because now they have that Frost-Nixon
debate.
Yes.
And I do have a Richard Nixon doll.
Yeah.
I don't, now I'm calling him a doll, but he's somewhere.
But I haven't even started working with him on the road, because I'm not very
good at it yet.
No, no.
If you use the Nixon doll, you have to hold him, hold his arms up and have him
say, I am not a doll.
And then you'll, you know what will happen then?
Oddly enough, as in Rosemary Woods land, you'll be greeted by 17 and a half
minutes of silence.
Man, that impression was, I would say that's about equal to Frank Langella's.
I thought it was pretty good.
No, I'm, no, I'm serious.
Thank you.
Frank Langella's sucks.
What do you like to do during the days in San Fran to unwind?
I just work on ventriloquism.
Oh, how's that going, Norm?
It's going great, man.
I thought Rusty and I would do a little holiday song for you.
Oh, are you kidding me?
Let me kick back here and put my feet up in front of the fire, you and Rusty.
Which puppet is Rusty?
Refresh me.
Rusty's just my friend.
You know, I'm having a lot of trouble with my cranky old man.
I don't know if you remember old Alec Majerison, the virulent anti-Semite.
Yeah, sure, I remember.
Are you kidding me?
I have a plaque commemorating my first meeting.
I'm trying to get rid of that guy because, you know, he's a Holocaust denier.
That's no secret.
He's an enthusiastic Holocaust denier.
And I've had it up to here with this character, you know?
He's just a waste of wood.
But I don't know what to do.
One of my Jewish friends suggested that, you know, why don't I just throw him
in a fire and burn him?
But I say two wrongs don't make a right.
But anyways, we're not here to talk about that.
Let me get Rusty out here.
Rusty.
Rusty, say hello to Dennis.
Hey, Dennis.
How are you?
Hey, Rusty.
What?
Hi, Rusty.
Hey, who's the dummy here?
Me or you?
It's me.
It sounds like it's you.
I'm sorry, Rusty.
Let me give you my man voice.
Hey, Rusty.
How are you doing?
Yeah, dummy.
Hey, come on now, Rusty.
That's ridiculous.
Calling Dennis Miller a dummy on his own radio program.
Can I jump in here for a second and tell you, here's how crazy Norm is.
I'm sitting here believing that he actually has a puppet.
Like, it's not enough for him to fake the puppet act on the radio and over the
phone.
He's actually, you did pull out a puppet and have it on your arm right now, don't
you?
Of course I have my pal, Rusty, here.
Yay!
What do you boys have planned for us today, Rusty Norm?
We're going to do a song, according to this dummy.
Would you stop calling me that?
You're the dummy.
You're the dummy.
Now, listen.
We're going to do a song, a beautiful song.
Why?
By the way, Rusty, what are you doing for Christmas?
Are you going to see your family?
Oh, sure.
In my family tree, it's a natural tree.
Okay, now that's just ridiculous.
You're actually overlapping dialogue here, Norm.
You're not even putting a second between you and the puppet's voice.
Now, Rusty, are you ready to sing that song with me?
Sure.
There you go.
Okay, I'll start.
Here we go.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw him,
you would
say that he was a drunk.
No, come on.
That's ridiculous.
What the?
Come on, now.
Just don't ruin it.
This is a classic.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Now, let's continue.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to town.
Rudolph, with your nose so bright, have you ever been drinking some bathtub gin?
What?
Okay, now that's enough.
That's way beyond the pale.
Stop it, Rusty.
Stop it.
I wish you'd kick the bucket.
Like what?
Kick the bucket.
What are you talking about?
You said pale.
Bucket is a synonym.
Okay, all right.
Yeah, that's right.
Okay, now that's ridiculous.
You're the dummy.
Okay.
Stop.
I'm sorry, Dennis.
This is going nowhere.
This is ridiculous.
I apologize for wrestling.
Jesus, it's so crazy.
It's gotten so crazy over the years.
I can't go out with this.
This is just an abuse to the whole idea.
All right.
Now, what separates Rusty's old man voice from the old Holocaust denier's voice?
Give me that voice.
You don't hear from him, do you?
Well, Rusty's just whetted the palate for a little more puppetry.
I swore I'd never use this guy.
It's like the Stones doing sympathy for the devil after Altamont.
There we go.
Alec, how are you?
I'm okay, I guess.
Yeah, I suppose.
What do you think of this Christmas?
What do I think of it?
I'm not going to celebrate no holiday where a bunch of bearded New Yorkers
killed our savior.
Hey, hey, come on now.
You're going back in the case.
I'm sorry, Dennis.
You didn't quite have control of the posse today, but I realize it's the
holidays are amongst us
and that they're a little petulant this time of year.
I can never keep these guys under control.
Norman, are you still doing the Holocaust Denier puppet?
Is he still with you?
It turned out he's wildly unsuccessful.
Meanwhile, on the men's side of the French Open, Novak Djokovic continues his
domination.
A very talented player, but he's not the only gifted Djokovic.
Please say hello to my little buddy, Jokey Djokovic.
Look at this guy.
Say hello to the people, Jokey.
Hello to the people, Jokey.
Well now, come on, Jokey.
Listen.
Your cousin Novak Djokovic, that's why he's certainly doing well.
How are you doing today?
How are you doing today?
Not so good.
I got a bad case of tennis elbow.
What?
Well, I'm sorry to hear about that.
It's better than a case of tennis balls.
Oh, come on.
Jokey.
It's ridiculous.
People didn't come here to hear that kind of nonsense.
Now keep it clean.
Okay.
How many tennis players does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, that's a very good question.
I don't know, Jokey.
How many tennis players does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you mean the bulb's out?
It was in!
Oh, Jokey.
That's ridiculous.