Name: Norm Macdonald Get Roasted
Uploaded: 2021-10-25T19:00:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Get Roasted' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Get Roasted' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-25. Transcript available.

-Our next roaster used to be on "Saturday Night Live."
Now he just watches it.
Well, up until last week when a hooker stole his TV.
Please welcome the incoherent Norm MacDonald.
-Norm MacDonald is here, one of the funniest people ever.
Norm's got a giant gambling problem.
He's dropped more coin in a casino
than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
It's a fucking roast. Groany, groan, groan.
-Norm MacDonald's so stoned,
he thinks he's at a roast for Bob Seger.
I love you, Norm.
Wow, you never come out, Norm.
You're like the J.D. Salinger of dick jokes.
What's the over-under tonight?
What's going to happen, Norm?
-No, I wanted to read something funny,
so I'm reading Marmaduke.
-Oh, my God.
This is what happens when you book a dais off Craigslist.
Bob Saget directed Norm MacDonald's movie Dirty Work.
Yeah.
A move that transformed Norm MacDonald into a star,
Buck's employee.
-Did you say something after Star?
-Norm MacDonald is here.
He does an amazing Burt Reynolds impression.
And by that, I mean, he's not in movies anymore, either.
-Norm MacDonald?
I've never met you before,
but I want you to know I'm carrying mace.
-Jim Norton is a pervert.
He's a necrophiliac.
Last night, he fucked Norm MacDonald in his career.
-Norm can't stay much longer.
He has to get his suit back to his father's coffin.
-Norm MacDonald.
Norm, too bad this isn't a real roof.
You could jump over after that set.
-Norm MacDonald, God bless you.
Watching your set was like watching
Henry Fonda pick blueberries.
Boy, I don't think there's a person in here
that would not love to watch
Henry Fonda pick blueberries.
-You know who you look like in profile?
Brando.
-Oh.
-Marlin Brando?
-Yeah.
-Towards the end?
-I'm not kidding.
-Because it's funny with Saturday Night Live, isn't it?
The people that either they go on to huge fame
or they fizzle into oblivion, generally.
-Yeah, yeah.
And it's--
-Then there's me.
-And then there's you.
-No, but--
-And it won't go away.
Come on, man.
-This is the New York Times bestseller list.
Not the New York News.
-Yes.
New York Times bestseller list.
And by the way, I didn't know--
-I call it the New York News
rather than the New York Daily News.
-Well, that's great.
Anyway...
That's Don Rickles channeling me.
God bless Don Rickles.
I love him so much.
I know it's in my fiber uncontrollably.
Well, that's good.
-Look at you.
How's this?
How's it doing?
Hello, ice cream, having a good time?
Running around?
What are you laughing at?
'Cause I called your friend a fat pig, huh?
You think that's funny?
-Oh, no, I was just laughing earlier
when you were talking to his belly.
-You get a horse and live in the mountains someplace
and don't bother anybody.
Got a personality like a dead moth.
What's the matter with you?
Have you always been like this?
How you got this movie, I'll never know.
-You're a hot fucking piece of ass.
-Look at that.
I do all my shopping at the mall.
Have you ever been to Forever 41?
-Forever 41?
Norm, you're dressing like you're gonna help somebody move.
-You're wearing sweatpants to the biggest show
in YouTube history.
-This is the biggest show on the internet.
-You dress like you're gonna paint the set.
-He can't help himself.
-Norm, thanks for dressing up.
-Hey, Sarah, listen, man.
Congratulations.
That's the hundredth time that joke's been done tonight.
-You're putting your life on--
you dressed like horse shit tonight.
-No, that was Adam and Eve.
-I don't care if you should have worn some kind of a hose coat.
-But that was Adam and Eve.
-You've got a thing with a hood.
-But that was Adam and Eve.
-But then you're reading these.
This is you.
-It's true I have a small world.
But I now live in a community.
And I have my mother, who lives in the next building.
-Mm-hmm.
Are you in a condo?
-Yes, I have a condo, and then my mother has a condo.
-What time do you go to bed at--
Now, what time do you wake up in the morning?
-It depends on when I go to bed, but I go to bed pretty late.
-I'm guessing.
-Yeah, because, you know what, I, um--
-So you're done cuddling with your mom,
and it's lights out about what time.
-My mom goes to bed early.
-So it's back to the unit, mom, I gotta stay up and gamble.
-Yeah, remember, I live in a different place than my mother.
-That's not what I hear.
-Sleep in a different bed.
-That's not the way I heard it.
But I may be wrong.
-Is there gambling, is there daily gambling going on?
-It's like, you have to be like Norman Bates.
-Let's see now your montage.
This is very exciting for me because I never got a chance to see us.
-I trimmed the fat.
I think I got a nice short package here of all the great sets.
-You trimmed the fat.
Let's take a look.
-Let's roll the clip of the last, the first day of the Masters.
-Thanks for doing this.
-Yeah.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-I'm up to 244.
-This guy says you guys are really going at those sandwiches.
-Oh, boy, those salt and pepper ones are peppery.
-Lesson, it's not your fault, whatever, it's funny, I guess.
I love it, that fucking thing went viral.
-There's a good chance it might.
-You see your face?
-Oh, yeah, it's me with a huge, fat fucking face.
-Yeah, I didn't want to be the one to say it.
-Yeah, I've been having a lot of trouble.
My doctor, he said, he's not a very nice guy, he said, "Open your mouth and say
oink."
-Yeah, you need to get better insurance, Norm.
-Insurance?
He was calling me a fat pig.
-Well, I mean, nobody's going to disagree with him.
-Oh.
-Cassum.
-I'm sorry, Norm.
I've got an acid tongue.
-You do, you're an acid-tongued Arab.
-So he said, "Yeah," he said, "It's going to be a pretty wild party."
You know, I'm not used to wild parties.
I said, "What is a wild party there?"
You know, I don't get out much.
He says, "Oh, you know, he's like a little drinkin', a little fightin', a
little fornicatin', you know?"
-Yeah.
-I said, "Wow, man, that sounds pretty good."
-I said, "What time should I show up?"
-He goes, "Any time, it's just the two of us."
-Now --
-You came over, didn't you?
-A little fightin', a little fornicatin'.
What's, you know, pirate all of a sudden?
-You notice how he didn't say, "F**k, is it celebrity?"
-Hey, hey, hey, hey!
-I was working at Art's -- -The deli coffee shop, yeah.
-The deli and coffee shop, bus and tables, so Andy comes up to me and he goes,
"Hey, man, I got a way to make some money."
-I said, "What -- What is your way?"
-He goes, "I'm going to become a male prostitute."
So he comes to me the next day and he says, "Hey, I'm buyin' breakfast."
I says, "Why is that?"
He says, "I made $450.05 last night."
And I said, "Well, who on earth gave you five cents?"
He said, "Every one of 'em."
-He says he's mature and I think it's because he's telling my grandfather's
jokes.
-Stop it! Both of you!
-I'm sorry to interrupt, but they were doing my mic backstage and I really just
caught the end of that joke.
Do you mind repeating it? Is that okay?
-Yeah, start that again, would you, Norm?
-Something about the Swedish -- -Yeah, there was a Swedish German guy named
Andy Berger.
-That was a 40-minute story!
-It's like somebody -- -Youthful purpose?
-Youthful purpose! -Yes!
It's like somebody said, "I got to show you something."
They take on a four-mile hike to show you a dog turd.
Look at it! Okay. Well, there's your reel for CBS.
-I have not seen you in so long. -I know, it's been a while.
-I love you. It makes you very sad now that you're --
-I've gained 45 pounds. -I don't care.
A man as brilliant as you are is doing a podcast for 18 people.
And Kim Kardashian's mother has a talk show.
Your ass-white producer just held up a sign, "Let's take a break."
Where are we going? We're talking to six people!
You know, we could get on a bus right now, the three of us,
and yell out the window and reach more people.
-But look at your camera. -Oh, this is Norm McDonald's.
-This is Norm's first talk show. It's like a talk show -- -It's a podcast.
It's like a talk show that would be -- that you would deliver to millions of
people
so the next day they would respond, except we're reaching about 50.
Most of them are prisoners. Some of them are dangerous.
I think we're going to -- I think we have some questions.
-From who? -Well, from people --
from the seven people watching the podcast.
Why did he say there's only seven?
Well, he said seven. I just thought he didn't --
I didn't say seven. I said 50.
All right. Well, 50.
Seven would be bullshit.
We've been down this road together.
We've been seeing the colors fade.
Did you know that I introduced you and Kevin Nealon to each other?
Yeah, I do. I know that. I knew a lot of things before you started doing this
stupid podcast.
Let me tell you something. Why don't you -- why don't you get something that is
semi-professional?
You're a bunch of assholes. Right now I'm getting on a bus and I'm going to
scream out the window and I'll reach 20 more people than you did tonight.
I'm telling you, don't ever call me again. Don't ever -- don't ever try to get
a hold of me.
I will never do this show again as long as I live.