Name: Norm Macdonald Was the King of Lame Jokes
Uploaded: 2021-10-27T21:13:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Was the King of Lame Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Was the King of Lame Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-10-27. Transcript available.

I'll do a bad joke first, though.
If Earth hasn't been visited by super...
And every other guest has done this.
Yeah.
If Earth hasn't been visited by super intelligent aliens,
then who made all those inexplicable, perfectly strong...
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
And then...
I was once trapped on a desert island,
and to be honest, the five albums I brought
didn't help a goddamn thing.
So we write jokes.
Great.
So, would you like to read one?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's for you.
I'll play along.
A little louder.
This one, I don't know, in this era.
They announced there's going to be another Twilight movie,
and the little girl inside of me is really excited.
Well, John has a reputation for being a bit of a swinger.
Did you know instead of an umbilical cord,
John was born with a bungee cord?
This is a saying I made up.
Mm-hmm.
There are a lot of ships that are very valuable, right?
Like, you probably think a golden ship was valuable.
Right?
This is already a terrible saying.
This is...
A ship made only of diamonds.
I don't know if it would float.
I don't know.
But, you know, that would...
You would think that would be your most valuable ship.
But you know what, sir?
It is not.
You know what your most valuable ship is?
What is that?
Friendship.
And Chloris Leachman is here.
Chloris.
Chloris, if people say you're over the hill, don't believe them.
Why, you'll never be over the hill, not in the car you drive.
I started collecting owl pellets, and for anyone who doesn't know, when an owl
eats a field mouse or a rodent, it eats it, digests all of the edible parts,
and then regurgitates a pellet, which is like all the bones, all the undigestible
matter.
And I collect those, and harvest the bones, and then make magical creatures out
of them.
Well, that's fine with me about that owl.
I don't give a hoot.
Greg Giraldo is here.
He has the grace of a swan, the wisdom of an owl, and the eye of an eagle.
Ladies and gentlemen, this man is for the birds.
Susie Essman, of course, is famous for being a vegetarian.
Hey, she may be a vegetarian, but she's still full of baloney in my book.
I...
Hey, listen, I may not have book smarts, but you know what I have?
Huh?
Supermarket flyer smarts.
You know where I got them?
From reading a lot of supermarket flyers?
That can't be one of the jokes, is it?
Jesus.
Dude.
Did you ever think...
I smell a mass firing.
When you go to the men's room later, you'll see a sign that says,
Gentlemen, pay no heed, go right in.
There's no room that says, scoundrel on it.
I made a bad business decision, Adam Egan.
Started an online business.
You know what I sold?
Brick and mortar.
That's pretty good.
I like you gave something, too.
I gave a little bit.
Is this going to go down as a test show?
No.
You better fucking air it.
Listen.
Did you ever think that I wanted...
I'm watching the other words.
Yes.
Jesus Christ.
Test show.
Test show.
I'm being tricked.
We have a lot of well-wishers here tonight, and a lot of them would like to
throw you down
one.
A well.
They want to murder you in a well.
Seems a little harsh, but apparently they want to murder you in a well, it says
here on
this card.
Hey, a new study shows 37% of people talk to their car.
It's the first study ever conducted by the International Organization of David
Hasselhoff.
Now, but Bob has a beautiful face like a flower.
Yeah, cauliflower.
No offense, but your face looks like a cauliflower.
President of ESPN says he quit the network because he was being extorted over
his cocaine
use.
Cocaine also explains why are the...
Why the fuck it?
As you can see, he has wavy hair.
It's waving goodbye on account he's going bald.
Did you know every planet in our solar system is named after a god?
I did not know that.
Except Earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
Okay, can I keep this one?
You got this.
I love this.
No, I think that Bob should join the Ku Klux Klan.
And that's not because he's racist.
He's not racist.
It's just that he'd look a lot better with a hood over his head on account of
his face.
How can you not get that?
Call me old-fashioned, but I long for the days when wives stayed at home and
only cost three
goats.
I get that one.
I heard you have hair on your chest, Bob.
And, uh...
Well, let me tell you something.
That isn't your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
You're a fucking dog face.
No, there are times when Bob has something on his mind when he wears a hat.
I don't want fancy things or fancy schmancy things.
I don't even want fancy schmancy wancy things or fancy schmancy take a trip to
francy things.
What I want is wasting your time and mine.
You're an infant.
I don't think we're coming back either.
Don't say that to me.
Here's the joke.
TV pitch, three words, Young Gene Shalit.
I'd watch that.
I would watch that.
They are going to have to lease editing equipment for this show.
Hey, what about this joke?
If you can't handle me when I'm covered in the blood of a boar I've just
sacrificed to
the gods, then you do not deserve me during the bountiful harvest that will
result.
Those things don't work out.
I'm not coming back, Norm.
And Bob is not very worldly.
He thinks the English Channel is a British TV station and not a body of water
separating England and France.
No, he's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
He's never bought Christmas seals.
He told me he wouldn't know what to feed them.
Well, he's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
He's a good guy.
He's never bought Christmas seals.
He told me he wouldn't know what to feed them.
When I was a kid, I walked in on my parents having sex.
It was the most embarrassing half hour of my life.
This is what I saw.
This is what I saw.
I walked in.
Your mom is lucky.
I walked in.
I take after my father.
I like my movies like I like my pasta.
Meatballs, too.
I can't stand stuck-up bodies of water.
Is that right?
It's like get over yourself, Lake Superior.
My favorite NCAA teams all happen to be colors.
Auburn, Navy, Sienna, and Hot Bubblegum Pink.
Oh, they are very good, yes.
They...
Do you want to say it again?
No.
Oh, here's something interesting.
You don't have to hold on to that.
I'm just trying to believe that somebody actually wrote that as a joke.
Jane, if you fight fire with fire, there's only one winner.
America's powerful fire lobby.
Who writes these?
My palm reader told me that I have nice hands.
Maybe the nicest hand she's ever seen.
Also, on Friday, I'm going to get hit by a train.
Oh, my God.
But let's be honest.
Most people you ever see go skinny dipping
are more actually going dipping.
Let's just be...
And now, Jane Fonda will do the last joke,
so say your joke.
If I could add one president to Mount Rushmore,
it would be James Polk,
because I'm interested to know what he looked like.
What did he look like?
I took him to a ball game,
and he came toting a double-barreled shotgun.
Do you remember that?
I said, "What the H is that for?"
Bob said, "I heard the Lions were playing the Tigers."
Imagine how different our world would be
if Mumford had remained childless.
Fad Mumford?
Fad.
Fad.
Fad?
Shut up.
Okay, next.
You know, I've been jogging for a few months now, Chevy,
and you might like to know that I recently set
a personal record for a five-mile run.
Three miles.
And now, and now, the final joke by Chevy Chase.
Perfect sex.
To me, perfect sex is like a car wash.
You start by lining up right and going in slow,
and you finish when three Mexican dudes run up
and furiously towel you off.
So this is not a great joke.
I shouldn't editorialize.
A storm picked up eggs and milk over the Rockies
and is now battering the Midwest.
It's a terrible...
So that's not much of a joke.
Emily, take everything you know about bread
and throw it out the window.
Okay?
Did you do that?
I did.
Great.
Now, let me tell you about a little invention I made.
Bread.
Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger.
You're not saying she's a gold digger.
But she does have several shovels, picks,
and panting sluices strapped to her burrow.
Oh, well.
She may, in fact, be a gold digger.
That's pretty good.
Wearing glasses doesn't always make you smarter.
For example, you must wear them on your face.
I'm missing it.
No.
Nailed it.
Is that good?
That's very good.
You know these donkey shows...
I feel like that's a pity laugh.
Definitely this area...
I know pity laughs.
That was a pity laugh.
That was a pity laugh.
It was a couple of genuine over there.
Sir.
Okay.
Here's the final joke.
Final joke.
The inside of the human body is more of a miracle than you'd first think.
Even more of a miracle than you'd first think.
Why is that?
Since everything goes on in there in total darkness.
Well, you never...
What?
Wait, wait, no, no!
Oh, cut it!
Cut it!
That can't be the way we end.
No.
That can't be the way we end.
No.
What?
That can't be the way we end.
No.
That can't be the way we end.
No.
What?
What?
Wait, wait, no, no!
Oh, cut it!
Cut it!
That can't be the way we end.
No.
No.
Male authors are obsessed.
This is what, you know, going back to, I don't know, Updike and Hemingway.
Male authors have been...
Male authors are obsessed.
This is what, you know, going back to, I don't know, Updike and Hemingway.
Male authors have been, you know...
Anyways, male authors do tend to be obsessed with male, with female bodies.
Male authors obsessed with female bodies.
Going on and on about webbed feet and soft insulated...
I'm sorry, that's male otters!
No, Dave, no!
This concludes...
The Joker...
Thank you.