Name: Norm Macdonald is the King of Old Phrases
Uploaded: 2021-11-06T22:04:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald is the King of Old Phrases' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald is the King of Old Phrases' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-06. Transcript available.

That clock is set at ten past ten and that's because this guy drinks like a
fish and we want to remember you know remind him to drive to drive you're
supposed to put your hands at ten and two. Did you know that? No. That's all
very true.
You never heard that? No. You never heard tell of that? Tell of that? You never
heard
tell of that? You know nobody says that anymore. You never heard tell of that?
Because we have a thing here in the United States where you go and talk in
front of the president. You do a stand-up comedy which is what I do. To the
president? To the president and a bunch of press people. When? It's like a
roast. Yeah you
never heard of that? Never heard tell of that? You go and do comedy at the
president? Yeah. He
sits down you go and do some comedy. Well not right to him not just one-on-one
there's a
bunch of press people. The White House Correspondents? It's called the White
House Correspondents.
And so the guy said I said what do you do for a living there sir you know if
you
don't mind me asking you know what do you do for a living I'm a I'm a nightclub
comic I tell the guy. So he says to me he says I'm a I worked out at the
university of science there he says I'm a I'm a that's a good school by the way.
I can't remember the exact place. Sure. He says I I'm a professor of logic. Oh.
So he says the guy
says logic now what the hell is that I never heard tell of that. Holy crow. You
say more things that
nobody says anymore. Holy crow. I haven't heard that since 58.
Mick Jagger I guess. You met Mick Jagger. Huh. Now we're getting somewhere.
Yeah. Holy crow. What
happened there. What's the story that there's got to be some story there. Well
it was a you really
want to hear. Yeah. Holy crow. I mean meet Mick Jagger. You met Mick Jagger.
You met everybody.
I've never met Mick Jagger. No. On SNL you met pretty much everybody. I was in
the years
uh that were there bad hosts. Well I hosted. That's true. If this were a memoir.
Right. If this were
a memoir I would tell about my wife what a battle axe. A battle axe? I mean. No
one's called their
wife a battle axe since 1945. They're saying John Hodgman might be the possible
guy who could replace
Craig Ferguson with that. Oh yeah. What about him? Well you see he's too smart.
He's uh nobody wants
that egg head or a blue stocking. What they want is uh. No one's talked that
way in 80 years.
What do you mean no one wants an egg head or a blue stocking. They want to have
an egg man.
They want a guy who gets his hands dirty. That's right. They want a fella like
you and me. A man of the people.
Okay I'm gonna try this. Do you like hot sauce? Oh I hate it. But you know you
gotta try new things in life.
No you don't. Yeah you're right. Whoa.
Son of a gun that's hotter than a two dollar pistol. Man a lot. Um well welcome
to Phoenix. Oh yeah.
How long have you been in town? I got in yesterday and I burned myself all over.
We said what were you doing?
I know it's hotter than it. It's hotter than a two dollar pistol in this town.
So you're a little feeling a little bit on the nose. So you don't come here
often in the summer.
Is that what you're saying? No. Yeah. It's a good plan not to come in the
summer.
It's nice every other year. People leave in the summer right? Yes. Yeah. They
scurry out.
Spend a lot of time in Southern California, San Diego. Yeah. Are you drunk?
Because all you did was ride a cooler and you're sweating. I am. Well it's no
it's
hot. It's hotter than a two dollar pistol in here. Well he's got like 12 layers
on it.
Yeah. I thought it was going to be really cold.
Well you're from Canada. This should be like this should be springtime for you.
No I know I'm from Canada but you know I'm still a human being.
It's not like you revolve differently.
No I'm from the frozen north. Yeah. Yeah. It gets colder than it gets colder
than it gets colder than it.
Uh oh. Here we go. Here we go.
Get your finger on the panic button. No I think it gets colder than a vampire's
demeanor.
Wow. Surprisingly cerebral.
And you said this is the coldest you've ever been. You're Canadian so are you
okay with this?
I've been colder than this. I've been colder than uh uh vampires uh uh.
Go on. Go on. That's like an 8am joke. It's no yeah we can do it at 719. The
stage is yours.
Larry can I borrow $25,000? Whoa. That's a lot of money Norm. What's it for?
Well you know I think you probably know. Gee I usually don't lend that much
money Norm.
Larry they say they're going to kill me.
All right Norm. But I want it back. Okay. All right. Good.
Uh you're a you're a good man. A scholar and a gentleman. Thank you. You're a
good man.
Let's do business. That's mighty fine Harry. Let me tell you something Harry.
It's a pleasure
and an honor to do business with a scholar and a gentleman like yourself. Yeah.
I'll keep in touch.
Well hello little lady. Hey Sid. How are you? Why I couldn't be better. I just
uh broke into the
wholesale business. Wow congratulations. Do you know that my movies will be
seen in
every hotel in the eastern seaboard? Every hotel? Well perhaps I'm bragging.
Every hotel that allows
facial cum shots. Right. Phone business never sleeps. Guys I agree with you
that Oscar Pistorius is a
scholar and a gentleman. All right. He's a murderer. He turned it around all
night. Alleged. Alleged murder.
I play geezer. It was me actually. Geezer is just an old chunk of coal that uh
you know. Thank you for
having this old chunk of coal from the Ottawa Valley on your big city program.
We are so pleased to
have you with us Norm. My Merle Haggard was opening for him you know. And I'm
just an old chunk of coal
and uh I like Merle. Some of my material comes my strongest material comes from
real life. Real life?
Like for instance today I was driving in a car. You were kind enough to bring a
car to bring this
old chunk of coal here to the studio. We send we send cards for our guests yeah.
Yeah so I got in it and
that's I you know I get material that way so my driver. What do you mean? How
do you get material that
way? You get in the car and what happens? My driver tells me a joke. Scared now.
No. No.
Firstly Conan I'm thankful for the for the fine ladies who live the fine ladies
who live across this
country and and leave pies on their window sills so an old chunk of coal like
me might have a meal
from time to time. Okay. I am going to return to my former sexual lifestyle.
Well yeah what's that?
It's uh trying to find a lady and convincing her to let me lie down on top of
her.
That sounds so romantic the way you describe it. I want to lie down on top of
you. What and take a nap?
What do you? I'm just an old I'm just an old chunk of coal that likes the you
know. Old chunk of coal.
Yeah. Yeah. That's what I was just trying I'm getting back to just lying on top
of a lady. Okay. All right.
How do you feel about a woman? She's supposed to be my life partner. I look in
the mirror the other
day and I says to her I says honey I look in the mirror and all I see is a fat
ugly old man
and I need you to give me a compliment. She says all right then uh your
eyesight is damn near perfect.
I said your dirty dog.
Wait you you called her a dirty dog? A dirty dog. A dirty dog?
Call me to say goodnight. Kiss me once or twice. I'll never let go of you.
Fall me into your arms. Stay with you.
The thing I want to talk about is his diction his word choice. Um I've always
uh he he spoke like
someone from the 1920s. He would say he would talk about hobos. Yeah. And uh he
would say as you know
you know I'm my wife I have battle axe. You know he he talked in this way that
was from a different time.
I'm just an old lump of coal. And you thought what is where is this coming from?
And it didn't feel
contrived. It was you know and I don't know if it came from coming from this
province in Canada.
Yeah. I think it does. I think it does.
It because because his you know people can make up that kind of language and
use it. This really came
from him and he would make these choices like I remembered once soon he was
talking about a dog a
Doberman. And he kept calling it a Doberman. That's right. And you're like why
is he calling
a Doberman a Doberman? He was doing it on purpose. He would do little things
that would catch your ear.
It's almost like poetry in a way. Yeah. The way he would deliver and write his
sets. Yeah. He had a
real facility for the English language. Unbelievable. Really amazing constructions.
It all felt very
spontaneous. Yeah.
But as I spoke to Smigel, Robert Smigel. Robert Smigel who was the original
head writer on the late night show.
But more importantly, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Yeah. He refers to himself
as Triumph the Insult.
That's what it says on his, when he gets pulled over for speeding, it says on
his driver's license,
"Insult Comic Dog, Triumph. Weight eight inches." But he said, he saw him
perform somewhere and I
can't, he didn't, I don't know where. But he said, Norm went on a run and it
was hilarious. And he went up to
Norm had said, that was amazing. That, that run you went on in the moment. And
he said, that wasn't in
the moment. That was completely crap. Every, every single word of it was, was
written out. I'll tell you
something else too, which he was a craftsman. Yeah. He's a craftsman.