Name: Norm Macdonald's Best Bob Dole Impression
Uploaded: 2021-12-06T22:11:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Best Bob Dole Impression' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Best Bob Dole Impression' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-06. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald's  Best Bob Dole Impression

running now. Who are they, Clinton and Dole?
Pat Buchanan is running.
Right.
Not a couple of people are threatening third-party runs for the presidency.
And I'm anxious to see him.
Up, there he is. It is Bob Dole.
Wow, look at that. Holy mackerel.
Oh, man. What an honor to see you, sir.
Hey, you're good. I got my casual look on here.
How do you lay it?
You look fantastic, Mr. Dole.
Well, let me just say, although I'm not thinking of voting for you because of
the abortion issue,
I would love to interview you, and maybe you could convince all of us.
Yeah.
You're smart to come in here, is I think what I'm saying.
That's what I'm here for. I'm traveling around America and trying to get to
know the people of America.
Right.
It was funny, because I saw a picture of Dole in the paper the other day.
Mr. Dole.
Mr. Dole, standing on the beach in his suit, talking to people.
So he was casual, too.
Yeah, Nixon used to do that. He used to walk around on the beach in his suit,
too.
He was a good man.
Right.
And you don't look a day over 85 in person, I got to tell you.
You look great, I got to tell you, Mr. Dole.
Let me tell you something. I've traveled all around this country. I've met the
people of America, and I learned one thing about him.
What is that?
I don't like him.
They're not great people.
They're damn fools, most of them.
But let me conduct a series interview with you, even though this show is not
known for being serious.
Is he kidding now? Is this the joking, Bob Dole?
Well, you're trying to improve your image. I don't think there's any of you.
Sure, Sandy Emerson-Barton.
Right.
Mr. Dole.
Hard to tell.
It is a comedy show, you know that.
Sure.
But I really do want to conduct a serious interview.
May I ask you some serious questions?
I don't look laughing at you.
No, come on. I mean, I look kind of freakish and everything, but I do. I want
to do a serious interview here, okay?
Sure, sure.
All right, good.
You want to make an opening statement?
Well, I'd like to say that, where the hell am I?
You're at K-Rock.
That's right.
And who are you?
I'm Howard Stern.
I remember the big hook-nose fella.
That's right.
That's right.
Hair like a girl.
That's right.
Queen of all media, don't they call you?
That's right.
The queen of all media.
That's very funny.
Well, let me tell you why I'm here, Howard Stern.
I'm here to reach the young people.
Right.
You know, the under-65 group.
Right.
That's right.
The baby boomers, Generation 10.
All right.
What you're hoping to do, may I clarify here, because I'm a little confused?
Sure.
By appearing on my show, I think that you're trying to reach the people who
might be thinking of voting for President Clinton.
You know, in the last election, I helped President Clinton get elected.
Well, I know you did, and I'm looking for that same thing.
You know, you reach demographics I've never been able to reach Howard Stern.
Right, right.
I'm talking about the damn dirty hippies.
Right.
Sexual deviants.
Right.
Criminal elements.
You want to reach them?
Sure.
The pedophiles, homosexuals and otherwise.
Yes.
All of them.
And you know what?
I want one group that can make or break a candidate.
You want to reach a group that can make or break a candidate?
That's right.
The group that your show is aimed at.
Who's that?
The crack whores.
Crack whores.
Yeah, I'm looking for the crack whore vote.
Oh, come on.
Isn't it true that you're behind with most groups?
Well, that's true, but I'm ahead with some, too.
That's what the media doesn't tell you, Howard Stern.
All right.
Name one group that you're ahead with.
Well, I'm a clear favorite among really old guys with one arm.
They like you.
Sure, they like it.
People like that.
That are there.
Well, you know, hello there, Robin.
Hi, Ben.
Well, wait a second.
You brought up something interesting, Mr. Dull.
You really brought up something interesting.
Let me ask you.
What about your age?
I mean, you're older than everyone.
Isn't that true?
Well, I suppose that is when you look at it that way.
But age will not be a factor in this election.
I'll let you know that right now, Howard Stern.
Age will not be a factor.
No, sir.
Are you dropping out?
No, Mr. Dull, what do you mean age will not be a factor this year?
Well, unless I die.
Right.
Okay.
That would be a factor.
And I won't lie to you, Howard Stern.
I'm no spring chicken.
Well, my prostate hasn't functioned properly since JFK's head was in one piece.
All right.
So I guess you and Mrs. Dull don't have an active sex life in her.
All right, now you wait just one minute, Howard Stern.
The only thing on Bob Dole that's limp is this arm here.
Right.
That's right.
When it comes to dirty, shameful sex, I have just as much as anyone.
You hear that?
Right.
Hear that, Robin Quilters?
I just heard that.
Bob Dole is a man who appreciates a good three-input woman.
Right.
And by the way, Mrs. Dull, Robin is a three-input woman.
Mrs. Dull?
Let me ask you something about specific ethnic groups, if I may.
Sure.
All right.
Now, you're friendly, you say, to different ethnic groups.
Are you friendly to blacks?
Well, let me tell you something.
When I was growing up, we didn't call them blacks, Howard Stern.
What did you call them?
Slaves.
That's right.
Are you friendly to the slaves?
Well, that was a different century.
I don't call them slaves anymore.
I use the correct terminology.
Right.
Darkies.
Darkies, I see.
Okay, no, wait a second, Mr. Dull.
Well, you've got a good system here.
You've got the white folk here, and you've got the colored girl over there.
I'm segregated over there.
Well, let me ask you something.
I'm curious.
No one's ever asked you this before, and I've been known to ask outrageous
questions.
Have you ever slept with a black woman?
Well, to be honest with you, Howard Stern,
love is blind, and I've known the touch of many an ebony princess.
Really?
Really?
That's shocking.
Well, the only problem is, you know,
who wants to make love and guard their wallet at the same time?
Right.
But I will say one thing for them, you know,
when you're finished with them,
well, the bed's made and the room's spotless.
Right, all right.
Now, obviously, you're a little unenlightened
when it comes to black people, Mr. Dull.
I didn't say that.
Because I resigned, you know, the same week as Magic Johnson.
That's true.
That's right.
And I have full respect for Magic Johnson.
He's a great man.
You like him?
Oh, my goodness.
He'll leave a lot of records unequaled in the NBA,
and I'll tell you one record he'll leave.
What's that?
Nobody will ever break.
What's that?
Only man ever to get aides from a woman.
Now, let me move into some other issues,
because you're being very open,
and I appreciate your candor here today.
Sure.
All right?
How do you feel about abortion,
and how do you feel about gay rights?
Well, I'll tell you, Bob Dull's against abortion.
He's against gay rights.
Right.
One thing he's for.
Yes.
Aborting gay fetuses.
Really?
Oh, sure.
You're the only candidate that's come up.
You want to abort gay fetuses.
That's right.
Once you see a limp press on that sonogram,
you get out the vacuum.
Right.
Now, Mr. Dull,
now, let me say something here,
because this is outrageous today.
You are really coming out fighting.
That's right.
I don't know how many of these policies we can believe.
Are you serious?
Well, sure.
Sure.
Why not?
Listen, let me say something today,
and I think this is,
you've got to say something favorable about Mr. Dull.
What is that?
A lot of people have said that you lack energy,
but I've got to admit something.
Today, you have lots of energy.
You really do.
Well, sure.
I'm no friggin' fossils Howard Stern.
Right.
What if I'm old?
Even a dead Bob Dull would be better than Clinton.
Right.
Problem with Bill Clinton is he thinks it was his penis.
Right.
And I'm surprised his penis doesn't deliver the State of the Union address.
Right.
And Hillary, good God,
she's more annoying than crumbs on a massage table.
Crumbs on a massage table.
I don't even get that reference.
I didn't get it either.
Jackie gave it to me.
Yeah.
Yes, that's true.
You can't throw anything at the president.
Jackie's throwing paper.
That's the president of the United States.
Almost.
Almost.
That's right.
Right.
I'll tell you what I don't get, though, Howard Stern, this building you work in.
You don't like it.
Good Lord, Bob Dole hasn't seen a structure this discrepid since his left arm
he looked at.
I see.
I call this the hell that is 600 Madison Avenue, home of the world's greatest
radio show,
the world's funniest people, and that Fred fella.
Good Lord, Bob Dole thinks a growing up man should get his wife under control,
make sure she's not out stripping a Broadway show.
So you are a fan of the show.
You know about Fred's wife, should we?
Well, I've been told.
Right.
As long as you're commenting on people from the show, how do you like our own
Robin?
Comment on her.
Well, I like her a lot.
She's a cute girl, you know, but I think it's not so normal to be consumed with
your sphincter
and colon all the time.
Right, with her high colonics.
That's ridiculous.
Bob Dole says anyone's so consumed with their butt cheeks should be ashamed of
their
sorry existence.
Yes.
And this fella over here, Jackie.
Jackie the joke man marveled.
Yeah, damn dirty hippie, that's all he is.
Well, yeah, what about him?
He's out in the hallway trying to sell me a bunch of crappy t-shirts and CDs.
Oh, he makes those in his basement.
Big star.
Bob Dole's all for capitalism, but you, buddy, you're embarrassing yourself.
That's true.
You're absolutely right.
Not as embarrassing as Ralph, you know, but I'll tell you.
You met Ralph?
Well, yes, I'm out there, but Bob Dole doesn't like to pick on little girls.
What did you think about some of our interns out there?
Oh, good Lord.
Steve the Gorilla.
Right.
Stuttering John Ganja.
Good Lord, don't interns usually move on after nine years, Howard Stern.
Right.
Excellent point, Mr. Dole.
Yeah, by the way, Stern, I think it's damn nice you to employ that retarded
fellow with
the big teeth.
Oh, you like that I employ the retarded with the big teeth?
Sure.
Waiting for a living makes him feel better about himself.
Get him off the welfare rolls.
You're actually talking about Gary, our producer.
Yeah, whatever.
All right.
Mr. Dole, let me just say something here, because this is going very well, but
I don't
want to...
I'm shocked that he's here and we're talking.
I don't want to wear out your welcome.
I'm flattered.
What are you, throwing him out?
No, I'm just...
No, I'm thinking of questions, all right?
First of all, I'm flattered at how much you know about us on the show here.
That's very...
That is right.
That's really something.
But let's...
All right, let me get back to the campaign, because that's what you're really
here for,
right?
Sure, well...
All right, right.
What is the first thing you're going to do if you're elected president?
Be serious.
Well, the first thing I'm going to do, Howard Stern, is get rid of that beast,
Janet Reno.
Janet Reno.
You don't like her?
Good Lord, take a look at the woman.
It looked like she ran out of money halfway through her sex change operation,
for God's
sake.
Right, okay.
Now, what about accusations that you're too mean-spirited, like saying that
Janet Reno looks
like she ran out of her sex change.
Well, I'm not mean-spirited at all.
When I get into the White House, I don't know what I'm going to enjoy more.
Screwing over the blacks or the Puerto Ricans?
So there's not going to be any blacks in your administration, is that correct?
Well, I like some of them.
I wish there were more blacks like Clarence Thomas.
At least he can name all his kids.
Right?
Right.
I don't know.
I mean, I don't know anything about the guy.
Anyway, Mr. Dole, I think it's time to wrap up.
What?
Not so fast, you big hairy freak.
I've chosen a running mate, and I'm giving you the exclusive.
Oh, now, great.
Now, this is a big news.
Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, Bob Dole will mentio