Name: Norm Macdonald's Sick Cat
Uploaded: 2021-12-07T19:10:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Sick Cat' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Sick Cat' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-07. Transcript available.

How is life? I know besides thinking of these news story things and stuff like
that, you know, you're having a good time?
You're able to relax over the summer, have a good time?
Am I able to have a good time? My cat just had a heart attack.
Are you serious?
Yeah, he had a heart. You ever hear of such a crazy thing?
No, I didn't know they got things like that.
Yeah, they get a heart attack. So I got it off Steve Korn, this writer up at 799.
Sure, I know him, yeah.
Yeah, so he gives me his cat. Turns out it's some kind of a defective cat, you
know?
So he's a nice cat and everything I'm getting along with him, I came back to my
apartment last week, the cat's like foaming at the mouth, he's shaking like
this, he's foam coming out.
So I didn't want to get near it, I thought maybe, you know, who knows, he was
delirious, maybe he'd think I'm a mouse.
So I said, I didn't want to get near him, so I phoned 911, you know, I panicked,
I phoned 911.
Right, right.
Which, it turns out it's just for people.
I didn't know that.
You didn't know either.
They got mad, man, they said that they would have me arrested if I phoned out.
Oh, okay.
But anyways, you know, I love this cat, it's a good cat.
So I took him down, I got him in a cab, and I took him down to the hospital,
the animal hospital.
Uh-huh.
And the guy tells me, my cat had a heart attack.
He takes him away, he says, oh yeah, yeah, he had cardiac arrest and stuff, and
he started asking me questions about like, he says, I said, what would cause
that?
And he goes, you know, diet, stress.
Stress?
Yeah.
Well, he had a big promotion coming out.
So, uh.
Uh-huh.
And then he made, he let me visit the cat.
Uh-huh.
He says, you can visit the cat, you know, there's visiting hours, like, all
right.
So, you go in this room, and then they bring the cat in, in a cage, he's all
drugged up, and then they put the cat, like, on a bed, and then the guy goes,
okay, we'll be back in a half an hour.
You have half an hour.
You know?
So, I'm with my, the cat, like, for half an hour.
So, after five minutes, you know, I figured, I got a life to give back to you.
It's a cat.
So, uh, we go out, and, uh, so afterwards he told me, he had a lot of, he said,
okay, I could have, he could have an operation, which was like $4,000.
Which, you know, I could buy, like, a hundred cats for that, you know?
But, uh, I figured, what the hell would I do with a hundred cats?
Right, right.
So, you, you got the cat, you sprung for the operation.
No, I didn't.
Oh.
Oh.
No, there was, there was another thing where, where, uh, he's on medication,
you know?
And I have him on medication, and I have this medication, and he said, uh, he
said, uh, he said there was some good news and bad news.
He said the, the bad news was the cat only has, like, a 20% chance of survival.
But he says the good news is, uh, it's just a cat.
I like cats.
He's a bad doctor.
He's a bad doctor, too.
Is it really my fault, because you try to hit me with your pity till I can't
dress, but I still push all I'm done.
Got me changing my ways, trying to fix it.
Your friend got me once, Steve Koren, my other friend, he got me a, uh, uh, a
cat once.
Oh, is that a good thing to give somebody a cat?
That's a horrible thing, because then you gotta take care of her for the rest
of his life, you know?
That's right. It's a commitment. It's a lifelong commitment.
Yeah.
And my cat, I had a horrible thing with it last summer.
He had a heart attack.
No.
Yeah, you ever hear of that?
No, I never have.
I never heard of that either.
And so, I went, I came home one day, and the cat was there, you know?
And he was like, he was like, ah, like that.
And there was, like, white stuff coming out of his mouth, and he's like, ah.
So, I was, like, freaked out, you know?
And so, uh, I phone up, I panic, I phone up 911, you know?
Mm-hmm.
It's just for people.
It turns out that's just for people.
Yeah, but it's not a bad thing, you know?
Off the top of your head, that's not a bad thing.
So, uh, I even said, what's the one for the cat?
Cats, you know?
What's the number?
And then the woman goes, look, get off the phone.
We'll call the number.
So, my neighbor, you know, takes me to the animal hospital, and I get there,
and it's all
people, you know, there's actually hospitals for animals, like emergency.
Yeah.
And so, I go in, I got the cat there, you know?
And, uh, they go, you know, yes, what's the problem?
And I go, look, and it's going, ah!
And then, it's an emergency.
Everybody freaks out, you know?
It's like on ER or something.
They're like, whoa!
The cat, where they take it out, you know?
Jumping down.
And everything's like panic and bedlam, you know?
And, uh, so I just, uh, sit down and start reading a magazine there, you know?
And, uh, a little while later, this guy comes out.
He's like a doctor, but not a real doctor.
Better than I am.
Better than I am, yeah.
So, he calls me back, and he goes, okay, we got to talk, you know?
So, I go, okay.
He goes, uh, like he's breaking bad news to me.
He goes, uh, your cat had a heart attack, you know?
He's like, oh, what?
I never heard of such a thing, you know?
I didn't even, I didn't even know they had hearts, you know?
I go, that's a, you know, that's a bad thing.
So, anyways, he goes, you can go and see him, you know?
And, uh, you can go and visit your cat.
That's nice.
So, he said, you only can have 20 minutes, you know?
There's like a business.
So, they take you to this room, and it's like, uh, there's like a big room, and
there's your
cat on a gurney.
He's all drugged up, you know?
And, uh, so then you're just, you're alone with your cat in the room.
Well, it's a nice, a nice thing, don't you think?
Well, after about a minute, you go, I got a life to get back to, you know?
I just kind of, you know, in my cat.
Oh, my.
Norm MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen.
Norm, good to see you, everybody.
Thanks, man.
Happy New Year.
Thank you.