Name: Making Out
Uploaded: 2022-01-01T16:47:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Making Out' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Making Out' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-01. Transcript available.

This is my move. First of all, I'm not good at getting ladies.
You're adorable.
Thank you. So are you. Thank you, gentlemen.
Sean, nice to meet you. We're nice to see you.
Let's talk about...
I will say Keekie does not need tricks because I've never seen as breathtaking
a girl in my life.
And her smile is so genuine. It's unbelievable.
Why are you doing this to me?
You're so sweet.
Hi.
How's it going?
We missed you, huh?
Yeah, it was nice. I don't like Bern's Rock Theater as much as you do, but...
Aww.
Where are you headed off to for your dinner break?
My stupid friend.
My stupid friend disappeared.
So, I don't know. Do you know a place called Borgia or something like that?
Buzio's?
Yeah, Buzio's.
It's a seafood restaurant here. You want me to walk you there?
Is it close?
Yeah, that'd be great.
All right.
Well, wait, where...
We'll figure it out. We'll sign off here. We'll figure it out.
Okay.
I may have a dinner date with Norm MacDonald.
Like, I try to make it fast. Like, if I see a girl drinking at a bar, right?
I'll go up behind her. I'll go, I can get us a bottle.
And then in the work room very often. But sometimes it does.
He doesn't want to get right.
Yeah, I want to get right.
See?
Then I get the lady. I turn off all the lights in the room so it's pitch black.
And then I lay down on top of it for five, ten minutes and I don't get a lot of
return.
That doesn't go now.
This is my problem. Everything is going well with the lady. And I have my sex,
right? And I get the mood going. I have four covers and a big quilt.
Well, I'm getting a heart.
Then I get the mood going. I turn down the lights until it's stygian black. And
then I climb underneath the covers. I lay on top of the lady for four or five
minutes and she doesn't seem to enjoy it.
No, it sounds like an assault.
I go, listen, basically, I'm not a fancy guy. Fred, you know that.
Really? I always thought of you as a fancy guy.
My thing is, like, for a sexual encounter or something, I like to lie on top of
a lady.
I don't need a lot of fucking shit going on.
One girl to do it.
That's exciting enough for you.
Are you currently in a relationship or are you playing the field?
Oh, my God.
What the fuck? What are you returning?
No, are you really having a relationship?
Come on.
Come on, man. Seriously.
I am going to return to my former sexual lifestyle.
Well, yeah, what's that?
It's trying to find a lady and convincing her to let me lie down on top of her.
That sounds so romantic, the way you describe it.
I want to lie down on top of you and take a nap?
What are you?
What's the fastest you ever met a woman and made love to her?
Because you hear stories in entertainment about sometimes women throwing
themselves at you.
No, it's never happened to me.
You're going to bullshit me on my podcast?
No, it never has.
Have you ever made love to a woman?
I think women throw themselves at guys in my stature at least.
I mean, I've seen women throw themselves at Adam Sandler.
That's the only celebrity I've ever seen a woman actually throw themselves at.
Yeah, that happens to him because he's cute.
You're a little bit shifty.
Women don't know what to make of you.
No, but girls like me sometimes.
Yeah, well, you're very twinkly and warm and affable and you've got an
innocence about you.
People all love that.
It's because funny guys are attractive.
Yeah, funny is, funny is hot.
You've done a lot of impressions.
Funny, he, look at him.
He's like, really?
Come on, I've ever heard of him.
Yeah, like when I was young, you know, they say they like kids with good sense
of humor.
Yeah.
But I don't know if you got this, but I was always funny, but they just, girls
would just go, you're weird.
You know, not funny.
They go, you're weird.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And the least funny guys in school.
They would be the funny guys.
They got all the pussy.
I mean, the guys that were just like, I don't know.
They didn't even have to, they could be from the right side of the tracks, not
the wrong side.
And they could just be, just like a guy with a fucking crew cut, never made a
joke.
Sometimes you'd see guys, like I knew this guy, I don't know if you've ever,
have you ever met a guy who's like, you don't even understand it, but it just
gets women all the time.
And it's like very mysterious.
Yeah.
Like, I know this one guy, literally got a different woman every night.
I'm not even exaggerating.
I asked him what his secret was.
He said he was a serial rapist.
So for him, it was just perfect.
But, you know, when I was on Saturday Night Live, guys would come on and they
were handsome guys.
Yeah.
And they were convinced they were funny.
And the publicist would go, oh, this is going to be a real, this is going to be
really good for Gabriel's career because he's so funny, you know.
And then a fucking guy wouldn't be funny at all.
And it came to me that, you know how they always say, like, women like guys
with senses of humor.
It turns out they just laugh at handsome guys.
Yeah, exactly.
The bar is lowered a lot.
Yeah.
I mean, when you think about guys that are, that got into comedy, it was
usually because they weren't good looking.
You needed some way to get women to pay attention to you.
So you cracked, you cracked wise.
Is that what they say in Canada?
I never did anything for girls.
I mean, I've always heard that stuff.
But you're a good looking guy.
I mean, you've always been tall, dark, handsome.
You're the classic, you know, lean, you know, pretty eyes.
But my motive in life was never girls.
I mean, I hear that, like, people buy cars to get girls.
Yeah.
They become, they do jokes or play the guitar or stuff.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
I never had that motive.
One time I was on a sitcom, right?
So they say, in this episode, you go out with an older lady.
Is there any older ladies you'd like to go out with?
So when I was a kid, there was this movie MASH, and Sally Kellerman came out of
a shower naked
and was every child's fantasy, you know?
So I immediately said, Sally Kellerman, forgetting that now she was 75.
Right.
So she shows up on the set, and I have to kiss her.
And, like, so I overdo it, you know what I mean?
Like, because I'm embarrassed.
Yeah.
Because that's what I'm like, kind of.
So instead of just kissing her a little, I'm like, ugh.
All right, let's have sexual relations.
Do you ever have to kiss an old lady, like, passionately?
It's just teeth.
It's, it's, yeah.
They have no collagen in their lips anymore.
This, right, well, they, but she had her teeth, you say.
She had, well, yeah, she had her teeth.
Hey.
You don't know whose teeth they were.
Well, they were, they were hers.
She bought them, at least.
Yeah, she owned them.
Yeah, but she had stubble like Adam Egan.
Hey, what?
Like kissing Adam Egan.
No, she was a beautiful lady, you know, and she was a, and then Sandler, every
time he has me in a movie,
he gets me to kiss like an old bag, not an old bag, I shouldn't say that, but,
yeah, like one time the lunch lady and everybody else was kissing nice ladies
and then I was kissing this old lunch lady.
So again, I tried to overdo it to make the lunch lady feel nice about herself.
Well, that's kind of you.
That was kind of you.
That was nice.
But now, what if she's watching?
I can guarantee you she's not watching.
Well, if she gets USA Today, she is.
Thank you very much for being here.
That was fun.
Can I kiss you?
Of course.
Oh.
Oh.
This is sweet.
Oh.
Sweet.
I'm glad I had it served.
Everybody asks me on this show, when are you going to get a woman?
I said, I'm not going to get a woman before I get Roseanne, I'll fucking tell
you that.
I'm glad I got it.
I'm glad I got it.
Thank you.