Name: Don't Be Like Larry King
Uploaded: 2022-01-23T16:10:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don't Be Like Larry King' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Don't Be Like Larry King' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-23. Transcript available.

The iron horse of broadcasting.
It's iron. You don't pronounce it iron.
That's what everybody tells me.
It's the iron horse, like Luke Derrick was the iron horse of baseball.
Yes.
The word I-R-O-N is iron.
No, no, iron.
Iron.
Right. It should be iron.
That's what makes English the world's toughest language.
Yeah.
You know, right? Sure.
It is the toughest language.
It's the toughest language to learn.
To me, it's the easiest.
And it's cast iron, if I remember.
It's cast iron.
Iron?
Cast iron, grilling grates.
Are you kidding when you say iron?
You know what? Don't be like fucking Larry King.
That motherfucker.
I say iron and he's up my asshole for fucking four days.
I heard you had Larry King on here.
Cast iron.
Your show is, that's amazing, by the way.
No one gets on Larry King.
Larry King gets you.
Cast iron, grilling grates. Look at that.
Why doesn't that cock work?
Why doesn't that cock work?
My cock work is fine.
Your mind is going somewhere, Norm.
No, I thought that's what you said.
I was trying to...
What?
No, iron, iron, iron horse.
What did you say, iron?
Iron, you got it right.
Iron, iron.
You know, I'll tell you this, Larry.
Say what you want about how huge and fat my head has gotten,
but you'll, who'll...
Ah, forget it.
Try iron.
But here's what I heard Larry King say one time.
This woman had lost her child, you know, for some reason.
Dead, you know.
And then Larry King said, Paul Newman told me you never get over it.
It's like a psychopath question.
I heard Larry King say to a guy once, the guy had lost his child.
Oh, no.
And Larry King goes, Paul Newman told me you never get over it.
This is like some unfeeling psychotic.
I had all my kids on Larry King one time, you know,
and I had my little boy, Buck, about seven then, you know.
You mean it was one of those ones where it's a bunch of chairs in there?
Yeah, I'll find my kids and...
On set?
Yeah, getting interviewed there.
And he asked to talk to everybody.
And then he looks at my little boy and he goes,
so who's your mom?
Well, he said he'd have a research.
He doesn't do any research.
He goes, my kid goes, mom?
We hate the most.
That's the one thing I fear is dying.
Me, man.
That haunts me.
Because the thought of not existing.
You know, it's like, you know what the new thing they call it is?
Dirt nap.
Good God, Larry.
That's what they call it, a dirt nap.
You would not say that on Hulu.
No, I wouldn't say that, but I'd say it here.
Terry, he's sitting in the chair you were sitting in,
and I asked him, what do you think about most of the time now?
You don't have a show anymore.
He goes, death.
I was like, good God.
I'm trying to do a little breezy conversation.
And then he's like, I don't believe there's anything afterwards either.
Just dirt.
You're smothered in it.
I'm like, oh, hey.
Easy.
And he looks like he's been already dead 10 years.
He looks so much older than he does.
We saw him in Hawaii.
Calm your fears about death.
Yeah, please.
You're being serious.
Are you being serious?
I'm being completely serious.
Because I used to be, as he knows, obsessed with it.
I was ruminating all night on it.
And then I came to a realization that you and death will never intersect.
As long as you're here, death is not.
As long as death is there, you are not.
Yeah, but since you know it's coming.
Oh, but, well, yeah.
You don't want that.
And we're like, Jesus Christ.
It's like, I don't know, like a gargoyle.
But then the next month or so, remember, I went to do a show.
And he looked good.
Like, I guess they, you know, they put makeup on him.
Oh, yeah.
They get the people that work over at Madame Tussauds.
But then he lights up, of course.
It's like those performers that, you know, like Rickles.
And then he's on stage.
And all of a sudden, you know.
So that's the great thing, I guess.
You want to go.
But knowledge, I have the, I can't take away the knowledge that it's coming.
I don't believe I'm going anywhere.
You don't?
Do not.
Do not believe in a higher power looking down on me.
Why a bomber in Boston?
Because if God, if there is a God, he's omnipotent.
Yeah.
If he's omnipotent, he could prevent it.
Yeah.
Why didn't he prevent it?
I don't know, man.
But you got to stop hanging out in that hot tub with Bill Maher all the time.
It sounds like you got a God-shaped hole in your heart.
What the hell are you talking about?