Name: You're Bisexual
Uploaded: 2022-01-25T10:25:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You're Bisexual' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You're Bisexual' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-01-25. Transcript available.

You are a bisexual.
Yeah.
Somebody asked me today, your producer actually said, "So you came out a couple
of years ago
and what was that like?
Was it a big..."
I said, "No.
No, I didn't.
I've never been...
I've never hit it.
Yeah, but you've never come out.
I never came out.
I didn't have to.
Excellent.
Yeah.
I just thought of an idea.
What's that?
What if he comes out here on the show?
Brilliant idea.
For comedy weeks?
Bisexuality is a real thing.
Some people don't think it's real.
They don't think it's real.
Yeah.
The joke that I heard is, like with me, people say, when I say I'm bi, straight
people say,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, you're gay."
And gay people say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, you're gay."
Oh, I see.
Like it's a cover-up to being gay.
Isn't that interesting?
Yeah.
Because I think the opposite.
That it's a cover-up to being straight?
Not a cover-up.
But I think that bisexuals are straight.
I even think gay guys are straight.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what you mean.
But that's 'cause you are so straight.
No, no.
That's really what it is.
This is why.
Because, let's say you're gay, right?
You can't comprehend.
Well, there really isn't such a thing as bi, but go ahead, let me hear it.
Let's say you're gay.
Yeah.
Strictly gay, right?
In society.
Okay, yeah.
And you're hiding it.
You marry a woman.
You fuck her.
You have kids, right?
This happens all the time.
Happens all the time.
Now, let's take the reverse of that.
Let's say you were straight.
Can you imagine, just completely straight, can you imagine a scenario where you
would enter
a gay relationship, get your ass fucked every night for years just to put on
appearances
for the folks next door?
I think a guy that fucks asses has an easier time fucking a pussy than a guy
who generally
fucks pussy moving over to a guy's hairy ass.
It's all, I don't...
Now you can put it that way.
No, I don't think, 'cause to me it's not, I think you're just confused.
Okay.
I think it's, it's, it's not, it's, it's not about gender for me.
It's not about gender?
No, it's like...
Like playing your num, playing the numbers, just, I mean, it's, it makes sense.
It's just like my, me being attracted to somebody doesn't have to do with
whether they're
a man or a woman.
Yeah, what does that have to do with?
No, they're, I almost said their personality, but, but it does, I mean, that
comes into play,
but it's like, to me, it sounds even more shallow, but just beauty.
Yeah.
And men, you're a very beautiful man.
No, it sounds, it sounds less shallow.
Well, no, it's shallow if you're just, like, attracted to, like a hot car.
Yeah.
You know, you know what I mean?
It's, we're getting into some, because intimacy and sex is, is what, you know,
there's, there's
love and then there's sex and, and sometimes they happen at the same time.
Yeah.
And sometimes it's just sex and sometimes it's like, there's just a hot woman
or a hot guy.
So, are bisexuals, do they generally get to, in the head, in the homosexual
part, use their
cocks?
Do you know what I mean by that?
Everybody uses their cocks.
Well, no, they're not the guy getting fucked up the ass.
That's the other weird thing.
When a guy has that kind of, I have had relationships with guys that really are
straight.
But I am having sex, I'm, I'm popping it up.
Yeah.
Well, I believe that a person that is not homophobic, because I think homophobia
runs very deep.
Yes.
And I would say, and that's what I say to my friends, I go, well, if you're not
homophobic,
why not whack off your friend that's a gay guy?
Like, what's stopping you or blowing him or letting him fuck you in the ass?
What's stopping you?
You're not getting anything out of it, but he's having a hell of a time.
Well, that's where my window of opportunity lies.
I bet it is, right?
One of them, you know.
Only if I like the person, and that's one of my arguments.
But, come on, it would be like, that, it's kind of, it is kind of gross, you
know, if you're
not into it, because it's like, like, why not jerk your dog off?
You know, your dog probably likes it, but that's, because it's gross.
He's a weird one, man.
How many people, though, seriously?
No, I agree with you, it's gross, but do you think that happens a lot?
Like, lonely people and their dogs?
Jerking out their dogs?
Oh, yeah.
Every time I see a woman walking down the street with a real big dog, I'm like,
oh, they're
going out.
Women?
Women.
But they don't even like fucking.
They're going out with their dogs.
No, they get their dogs to either go down on them.
You know, Judd Apatow recently, and I'm apologizing to him.
Oh, but his dog is sexy.
No, shit.
I just thought I'd have a good show.
Fucking with the star.
Now that I would win.
Who would not watch that?
Right to the top.
I would watch that.
You're probably good at fucking.
Yeah.
You're probably good at fucking.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I never open up about my own sexuality, but I will right now.
Uh-oh.
I'm bad at whacking off.
What?
Bad at it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm bad at it.
Yeah.
I'm bad at it.
- Now that I would win.
- Who would not watch that?
- Right to the top.
- I would watch the, I would watch that every week.
- You're good at fucking?
You're probably good at fucking.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- I never open up about my own sexuality,
but I will right now.
I'm bad at whacking off.
- What?
- Bad at it? - Yeah.
- How could you be mad at it?
- I know, you would think it would be easy.
It would be fortunate.
- You cannot make yourself calm?
- Oh, I can, but at the wrong times.
I didn't even know about lotion.
- Oh, 'til when?
- 'Til somebody that was intimate with me said,
"What are all those big red scabs on your top?"
And I was like, "That's from my fucking furious whacking off."
- When was this?
How many years ago?
- I use like gloves.
- What kind of gloves?
- Sandpaper.
No, look, I'm not good at sex.
- Yeah, no at all?
- No, nothing, I'm not--
- It doesn't interest you.
- That's the reason.
You gotta be interested in something.
This is my move.
First of all, I'm not good at getting ladies.
- Because you don't care.
- Yeah, so I'll try to, like, I try to make it fast.
Like, if I see a girl drinking at a bar, right?
I'll go up behind her, I'll go,
"I can get us a bottle."
And that doesn't work very often.
But sometimes it does.
- You just wanna get right.
- Yeah, I wanna get right.
Then I get the lady,
I turn off all the lights in the room,
so it's pitch black.
And then I lay down on top of it for five, ten minutes.
And I don't get a lot of return people.
- That doesn't go, no.
- But you remind me of a guy that's good at fucking.
- I love it.
- Fucking and sucking.
*laughter*