Name: Andy's Dick
Uploaded: 2022-02-20T14:27:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andy's Dick' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andy's Dick' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-20. Transcript available.

We have our guest tonight, the always controversial and hysterically funny,
Andy Dick.
And we will be talking to Andy momentarily, but first, my opening remarks with
my trusty sidekick, Adam Egott.
Where's Adam Egott?
Well, this is odd, folks, and I must say bewildering to me.
When I usually look two degrees to my right, who do I see but my trusty sidekick,
Adam Egott.
Well, tonight, no such luck.
Wouldn't you know it, huh?
Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later.
Well, I'm sure he'll be here any second now.
It's live.
I know what I'll do, what I always do when I'm in trouble.
I read the newspaper.
Maybe we'll find out something interesting.
Oh, I know what I'll do.
I'll read the obituaries.
At my age, I'm always refreshing to find out that I'm not in them.
It's a joke Milton Berle used to do.
So, as usual, the bard of Avon, William Shakespeare, summed it up best when he
wrote,
Life is but a walking shadow.
A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and is heard no
more.
Well, let us hear, then, from some of this month's most notably deceased strutters
and fretters.
Let's see who we got here.
Ah, Margaret Thatcher.
Yes, the iron lady.
She passed over a month ago, but here she is still in the New York Times obituaries.
But, you know, I think if you were to open that coffin, you'd find out pretty
quickly that she was not made of iron.
I don't know if you've ever dug up a month-old corpse, but I haven't.
I needed the money.
I couldn't sell my blood at the time, or ever, because I have Hep C.
But, you know, I didn't have the money, and I wasn't like some people I know,
who used to jerk-off punks for $10 a man.
God damn it, it didn't work.
I miss Adam Egott.
Where the hell is the...
He wouldn't be with Andy Dick, would he?
Wait a minute here.
Adam Egott is a dirty, filthy alcoholic.
And Andy Dick is clean and sober.
Where is my trusty sidekick, Adam Egott? Have you seen him?
The last I saw him, he was in the bathroom with Andy Dick.
In the bathroom with Andy Dick!
In the bathroom with Andy Dick!
That's the worst possible news!
Come on!
Jeez!
When you ask where a person is, the last thing you want to hear is he's in the
bathroom with Andy Dick.
Let's find out.
Hey guys!
Listen!
I know what's going on in there!
You're sucking each other's hot cocks!
And you're doing cocaine!
Norm!
Yes, Norm!
Let me in!
Andy, why are you naked?
Yeah.
Andy, why are you naked?
I think the more important question is, why are you guys not naked?
Well, yeah.
Wait a minute.
That's the least important question.
That's not an important question at all.
I would agree.
Okay, listen.
We've got to start the show.
We've got to get out of here.
Come on!
Wait, wait, wait.
Paint this real quick.
Paint this.
What?
We've got no time for that.
Come on, Adam!
He likes it.
Adam, come on!
And come to think of it, I got addicted to you.
Oh, no, no, no.
And come to think of it, I need somebody like you.
Oh, no, no, no.
I need someone like you.
The last movie Chris Farley ever did was Dirty Work.
So I'm in the movie.
And right after Dirty Work, right before he passed away, he hosted Saturday
Night Live.
So Norm was still doing Weekend Update.
So Norm caught me up and said, listen, Farley's out of control with Coke.
Come to the party after the show because you got to help me watch him.
Like, that's how bad he was.
I was watching.
Oh, I had to help watch.
I had to help watch him.
Okay.
So this is how fast Norm is, though.
This is a testament to Norm's wit.
So I'm at the party and Norm is talking to somebody.
And I'm watching Chris.
I'm on Coke.
I'm coked up.
So I see Farley disappear into a bathroom with Andy Dick.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
Him and Andy go into a bathroom.
Yeah.
They come out five minutes later.
They're giggling.
Norm comes over to me and goes, what's going on with Chris?
I go, bad news, bro.
He goes, what?
I go, he went to a bathroom with Andy Dick.
I said, there's only two reasons a man goes into a bathroom with Andy Dick.
And neither one of them is good.
And Norm looked at me without Mr. Bean and said, holy fuck, I hope he's high.
Did you see Norm say that?
Holy fuck, I hope he's high.
That's a great impression of Norm.
Holding his stomach.
Good news, he was high.