Name: Jay Mohr
Uploaded: 2022-02-22T13:17:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jay Mohr' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-02-22. Transcript available.

norm mcdonald was just on david letterman i heard he cried he was so upset he
cried and it was like
really like beautiful yeah but he had a great joke about like uh i don't know
if you guys are
here he goes i got no problem with uh you know north korea i never lay in bed
they try to scare
you on the news you know yes but i never woke up like ah north korea how they
don't get me you know
and like nobody really laughed but did you hear letterman like cackling in the
background and you
realize it's just the same with norm it's all you are being played when you
think he's bombing
it's all a big set up in a year he's gonna have the perfect special you might
as well sit with norm
and just keep a smile on your face because you don't know where you are in the
joke he goes uh
he goes i'm not afraid of uh iran you know iraq or north korea you know i'll
tell you a country i don't
like is uh germany i don't know if you guys are uh history buffs but uh the
beginning of our last
century germany uh decided to have a war against uh the world and what's weird
is it was close
you think like it'd be like five minute war you know it was actually it was
almost tied
and about 50 years go by and uh germany goes hey let's have another war against
uh the world
and they almost won that one too did because you would think everybody in the
world would go hey
germany we're not gonna let you have a country anymore who are you mars just
fucking i just love
it was you would think it'd be over five minutes but it was uh it was close did
you hear him talking
on the russell brand podcast with him and russell brand when he was talking
about how he was at the
party or when he played the uh uh the white house correspondence dinner yeah
and larry flint said
i'll take care of you yeah right i'll take care of you he goes when a guy when
a guy says i'll take
care of you you know you think you're gonna get like if he if he owns a grocery
store you think
you're gonna get some vegetables but larry flint you know you think you're
gonna get some some crazy
kooky girl and you're gonna get to have sex with her and then larry flint's
gonna come in in his
wheelchair just whacking off but he does like an impression of the guy jacking
off larry flint
that was an amazing experience watching russell brand and norm mcdonald because
in my opinion i think
you and i are kind of together on this two of uh the most beautiful human
beings comedically
aesthetically just to look at like you just look at norm you kind of can't stop
looking at him like
people go like hey no but like if you look at norm mcdonald if i told you if i
just showed you a
photo of norm mcdonald you know who he was and i'm like oh uh this you don't
remember this guy from
the carrie grant movies you wouldn't go like no what like he's gorgeous and
like russell brand
people like write him off norm on his video cast he's got this running thing
where he'll like explain
like a serial killer and he just draws everybody in it's not until you see like
two years it's like
a joke for him and adam egot and it's like hey this guy uh yeah i've been in
ontario i'm an old chunk of
cole anthony but there is a man murdered his entire family when the police got
to him
uh his wife's innards were uh soup like a a stew he was eating uh his his bride
you know and uh
then he winds up killing a few policemen and uh takes a few children and there's
a crawl space i know
what this crawl space is that's right i mean this guy sounds like a real jerk
that's the whole punch
line yeah is he just but it goes on for like eight minutes just so he can go i
mean this guy sounds
like a real jerk he's pretending i know who albert gray is i didn't no no albert
fish oh you're a new
yorker so anyways he was a child rapist and cannibal as i explained when he's a
child rapist you try not
to laugh when he looks at you oh come on man it's not funny i know it's not i
know you want people to
laugh fish chose his victims he only chose victims who were either mentally
handicapped now don't laugh at
this next part please but you know he wants you to right no if you laugh at
this next part okay and
i'm not just chose victims were either mentally handicapped or african-american
oh come on why would
you think that's god damn fred jesus christ that was the worst part of the
story but why do you think
he did that what would be the explanation why would he only attack why why
would his victims that he chose
only be either mentally handicapped or african-americans because people don't
in those days didn't care
when those people were vanished that's you're thinking like albert fish now and
prostitutes that's
why they that's right prostitutes exactly nobody really cares about prostitutes
but you're exactly
right that's why albert fish killed only mentally handicapped and african-americans
i thought you'd laugh
at african-americans again that they were no i guess i know him i know he'll do
something that's
that's outrageous oh it's kind of outrageous fish was finally arrested and he
immediately began
confessing to killing 700 children get out of here yes i mean uh this albert i
mean this guy was a real
jerk
now i know there was no albert fish so i never i i didn't always come in with
like full sketches
whereas tom i know i remember tom was a guy who would always come in with like
so mcdonald was that guy we we you guys didn't have to pitch to uh like an oligarch
like you didn't
have like a a guy you had to pitch no you guys you had autonomy pretty much
right but that that's why
so they asked you to have a recurring sketch and you shoved up their ass and
dip my balls in it
it's so all right you know what it go to youtube and just type in dip my balls
in it
but louis and the last louis in the last supper uh but really go to you got to
see burning love you
guys we're gonna talk a lot about it but uh we all had to pitch to lorne and
then i realized early
that i would blow i would pitch all like my real ideas and like beat i wanted
to impress everybody and i
would give like and then this happens and then this is the joke and then this
is and the big twist is
this right so then when it got to the table for table read in front of like 40
people no one laughed
because i told i did the sketch in the room and then i realized like a couple
months in there was
the art of the fake pitch and like kevin nealon and norm mcdonald it was like a
contest every week
to see who could come up with the weirdest fake pitch that the host believed
was actually happening
and the rest of the room knew that we all knew it wasn't lauren knew it wasn't
that's awesome but i
remember like kevin nealon every week would do two fake pitches and go also i
have this idea where
you live at the uh the top of one of those runaway truck ramps you know in your
house all the way up
there and uh just yeah it's like dinner time a truck come flying through your
house man and the host would
go yeah this is funny i mean but every week and we would all just be laughing
so hard and the host is
looking around like yeah that is funny right but he but we're laughing because
the host is sure is a
fucking moron and then norm i remember it was bob newhart goes i got this idea
people always um confused
literally and figuratively uh a guy i'll go hey how was hey how was that movie
you just uh you know oh my
god it was so funny i literally laughed my head off man you know he's got a
head still and bob newhart
just just stared at norm like that's the stupidest i ever heard and then norm
like a dog with a chew toy
was like i'm not leaving this room until like they locked the doors like a
prison movie he's gonna
break them like yeah and he goes or or or you go hey how's your wife well she
literally died when she
got your message she literally dropped dead uh right there on the floor she's
died she literally died and
like in like now he's and he's moving like closer did new heart break at a
certain point uh yeah eventually
he's just fucking well and then that week norm did a sketch where he was charles
kuralt and he was the
only it was just charles kuralt alone talking to camera and we're all like in
full charles kuralt
makeup unrecognizable and you're like how the fuck do you like his fake
sketches were better than
anything i ever actually got on air he's amazing isn't he he's an amazing guy
he is amazing the best sketch
that never got on the air in my entire time at saturday night live which is
only 40 episodes was
norm mcdonald's game show name two hey jimmy steve allen is in the gannett's
book of world records
writing over 4 000 songs for that new car name two name two of who steve allen
is in the gannett's
now kate bush is in the rock and roll hall of fame ballot you know for being a
rock and roll uh
hall of fame worthy lady she's written over 600 songs name two ding ding ding
name two what a great
fucking sketch that's a great sketch why didn't you get on i'll read your book
who knows i don't know
why i'll read your book i heard for like two years i'd go to a comedy club and
they'd go yeah norma's
here last week it was pretty weird dude and i'm like my wife and i would like
go like what's going
on with like i hope he's okay you know and then you see his comedy central
special perfect right right
so the joke's on everybody across the country like yeah he was really weird he's
got these other guys
following him like every like weird everyone every town had a different like i
think he was super high
and other towns like he really gambled and another town he came in with 19 men
like weird like that
strange like he made his bae like he had to be bathed or he wanted something
for his feet and then just
you know you see his comedy central special perfect my father died my
grandfather died my great
grandfather died the best of my knowledge he's dead you know uh i come from a
long line of death
and you're just like this is perfect comedy so however it works for you i guess
yeah yeah i honestly
i was driving from quebec city back to montreal because when you do that
festival the montreal
festival i would get too drunk and i'm like i need to get out of here i don't
want to drive i don't
want to be the no i just don't want to be the drunk comedian anymore so i was
like i'm gonna go to
quebec city during the day and have a day and i was driving back to montreal to
do shows that night
and i was listening to norm's album just called me doing stand-up and i had to
pull over so i didn't
crash no room for improvement no i almost crashed my car i was laughing so hard
it's 16 ounces of water
and like a 10 ounce glass and it never just like i was like my grandfather died
my great grandfather
died you know my father he goes on i come from a long line of death yeah no
that was it was that
cancer it's a drug everybody's afraid of a terrorist yeah it's a heart is what's
going to attack and kill
you like your heart and the funniest joke is when he goes the only way to uh uh
stop your heart from
attacking you is to attack your heart with a defibrillator we're not doing this
justice at all
and it's funny because like people that don't just get it you're not going to
convince them no by
sharing it you just gotta listen that album so funny what was it like hey he
lost his long battle with
uh finally lost his battle with courageous battle with cancer yeah all right
but if he dies the
cancer dies dad that's a draw yeah it's such a good like alcoholism is not a
disease like my uncle's
got bowel cancer i have searing searing pain what are your symptoms ah you're
real happy sometimes i
need somebody else's disease we fuck
had a great norm story what is you know he had a great story he was opening for
norm in san francisco
and norm goes yeah you know we're in san francisco you know so don't do any of
that fag
shit you know and he's like what he goes ah you know san francisco uh there's a
lot of gay guys here
they live here in san francisco so just when you go up there don't do any of
that fag
shit and artie's like all right like i wasn't didn't plan on it and then artie
does 20 minutes norm
goes up and goes hey what's with this aids you know they say uh it's like the
worst disease in
the world you know but uh all right i saw on the news today aids does not
discriminate and that's nice
oh no so i don't know why is it so bad hey don't do any of that fag
shit so maybe if norm was on the set of suddenly susan he could be like you're
a homophobe yeah you're
not holding maddie's hand last time i got heckled bad was at motor city casino
in detroit
and i was doing norm mcdonald but the thing about the norm mcdonald impression
is you one you're at
the motor city casino in detroit hey man i'm down i love the d yeah and but i'm
doing norm but the
thing about a norm impression is you have to ramble and circle it back around
like it's got to get a
little uncomfortable right and i was doing uh to me more uh oh my god to me
more went to the hospital
for that exhaustion there you know exhaustion oh my god you know i go where i'm
exhausted jana
uh home i'm tired i don't went to the hospital and it's this whole long thing
about being on a
construction site and me and my friend john and eric you know like hey what do
you say after work
and we go to the emergency room to rest you know and i just keep going and
going and like right next to me
like right there she goes what the is he talking about and i go ah there's
always one cut you know
and i did it in the impression and that person emailed me on my website and
said i was the
i'm sorry but i was really confused and everyone explained to me what was
happening should i close
with norm a paragraph from his book about don rickles yeah close with as norm
okay because it is
i was at a hotel reading that off my ipad i laughed so hard i fell on the
ground i don't i don't doubt
this my wife came in the other room because she thought i was having an actual
heart attack because
apparently i was just making gasping sounds and kicking things over oh that's
perfect you want to
hear a part of by the way norm's book based on a true story norm mcdonald is a
must and you have not
read it i haven't read it i see it i'm on planes it's my next buy for sure so
it's about don rickles this is
norm mcdonald's book if you want to put a link up at jaymore.com since brooks
doesn't sell anything
and a link to brooks's instagram at jaymore.com oh no you can buy my album uh
this is cool right
yeah my album's called this is cool right it's been i love that album thank you
jay it's a great title
too uh what a delight thank you uh he was a big rickles fan he saw him on
tonight show his whole life
right and he's on the set of uh dirty work don rickles to norm mcdonald so i
approached in the first day
in the makeup trailer and i introduced myself i said i just want to tell you mr
rickles i feel so honored
that you'd agree to be in the film i thank you from the bottom of my heart
he shook my hand that's very nice norm by the way i spoke to the home your room
will be ready tuesday
the trailer erupted in laughter and i felt rage deep in my soul i saw myself in
the mirror and i saw that
my face was beet red i wasn't on any waiting list for any type of home as mr rickles
was clearly
suggesting you know i'm losing the impression but i swallowed my anger and i
was determined to find
the real man through my own kindness and love mr rickles i'd be honored if i
could take you out to one
toronto's finest restaurants and uh buy you dinner tonight you know i have a
better idea norm why don't you go to a
a uh a shed in the desert with a rake and go brrap
go
it's literally a capital you have a better idea norm why don't you go to a shed
in the desert with a rake
and go
now there's awful classless burping noise got the uh cheap laugh i'm sure mr rickles
is used to
but not from me i could feel myself beginning to shake with rage uh now i'm
gonna read to you the
part where i there's um uh i was so happy to meet and reach the real don rickles
and i said anything
you want to do what would you like sir all right well norm he says i'd like you
to get a monkey
and an organ grinder and run around the room going i lost my sock i lost my
sock
yeah and then mr rickles then pranced around the makeup trailer doing a
a grotesque pantomime of me searching for a missing sock
what is he talking about it's fucking fiction i know like in the beginning the
first chapter he's like
him and lord michaels are smoking opium and it's the most genius thing because
any
fucking story nobody can sue him yeah like uh who's the guy uh dick ebersole
can't do
shit about what norm wrote in here because norm's like wait a minute me and lauren
read a horror
house smoking crack don rickles is doing a grotesque pantomime of me uh
searching for a missing sock
you know and uh i fled the makeup trailer i took a nice long walk trying to
compose myself i think
it was the comment about losing my sock and then running around telling
everyone that hurt the most
oh my god we're crazy people it's so funny but people listening are like i don't
even know why
it's funny no exactly i saw him in cedar yeah i said brah everyone who meets
you does an impression
of you all right you're one of those guys that you're you make such an
impression on people that
everyone that meets you does a norm mcdonald i don't care for any of those
impressions by the way
this is what i get i do a perfect you i go all right let's hear it hey how you
doing hey i can do
an impression myself yeah hey what's going on hey hey i've never heard you say
that hey what's
going on sounds like you doing an impression of bro yeah impression of you yeah
damn yeah

Jay Mohr

norm mcdonald was just on david letterman i heard he cried he was so upset he
cried and it was like
really like beautiful yeah but he had a great joke about like uh i don't know
if you guys are
here he goes i got no problem with uh you know north korea i never lay in bed
they try to scare
you on the news you know yes but i never woke up like ah north korea how they
don't get me you know
and like nobody really laughed but did you hear letterman like cackling in the
background and you
realize it's just the same with norm it's all you are being played when you
think he's bombing
it's all a big set up in a year he's gonna have the perfect special you might
as well sit with norm
and just keep a smile on your face because you don't know where you are in the
joke he goes uh
he goes i'm not afraid of uh iran you know iraq or north korea you know i'll
tell you a country i don't
like is uh germany i don't know if you guys are uh history buffs but uh the
beginning of our last
century germany uh decided to have a war against uh the world and what's weird
is it was close
you think like it'd be like five minute war you know it was actually it was
almost tied
and about 50 years go by and uh germany goes hey let's have another war against
uh the world
and they almost won that one too did because you would think everybody in the
world would go hey
germany we're not gonna let you have a country anymore who are you mars just
fucking i just love
it was you would think it'd be over five minutes but it was uh it was close did
you hear him talking
on the russell brand podcast with him and russell brand when he was talking
about how he was at the
party or when he played the uh uh the white house correspondence dinner yeah
and larry flint said
i'll take care of you yeah right i'll take care of you he goes when a guy when
a guy says i'll take
care of you you know you think you're gonna get like if he if he owns a grocery
store you think
you're gonna get some vegetables but larry flint you know you think you're
gonna get some some crazy
kooky girl and you're gonna get to have sex with her and then larry flint's
gonna come in in his
wheelchair just whacking off but he does like an impression of the guy jacking
off larry flint
that was an amazing experience watching russell brand and norm mcdonald because
in my opinion i think
you and i are kind of together on this two of uh the most beautiful human
beings comedically
aesthetically just to look at like you just look at norm you kind of can't stop
looking at him like
people go like hey no but like if you look at norm mcdonald if i told you if i
just showed you a
photo of norm mcdonald you know who he was and i'm like oh uh this you don't
remember this guy from
the carrie grant movies you wouldn't go like no what like he's gorgeous and
like russell brand
people like write him off norm on his video cast he's got this running thing
where he'll like explain
like a serial killer and he just draws everybody in it's not until you see like
two years it's like
a joke for him and adam egot and it's like hey this guy uh yeah i've been in
ontario i'm an old chunk of
cole anthony but there is a man murdered his entire family when the police got
to him
uh his wife's innards were uh soup like a a stew he was eating uh his his bride
you know and uh
then he winds up killing a few policemen and uh takes a few children and there's
a crawl space i know
what this crawl space is that's right i mean this guy sounds like a real jerk
that's the whole punch
line yeah is he just but it goes on for like eight minutes just so he can go i
mean this guy sounds
like a real jerk he's pretending i know who albert gray is i didn't no no albert
fish oh you're a new
yorker so anyways he was a child rapist and cannibal as i explained when he's a
child rapist you try not
to laugh when he looks at you oh come on man it's not funny i know it's not i
know you want people to
laugh fish chose his victims he only chose victims who were either mentally
handicapped now don't laugh at
this next part please but you know he wants you to right no if you laugh at
this next part okay and
i'm not just chose victims were either mentally handicapped or african-american
oh come on why would
you think that's god damn fred jesus christ that was the worst part of the
story but why do you think
he did that what would be the explanation why would he only attack why why
would his victims that he chose
only be either mentally handicapped or african-americans because people don't
in those days didn't care
when those people were vanished that's you're thinking like albert fish now and
prostitutes that's
why they that's right prostitutes exactly nobody really cares about prostitutes
but you're exactly
right that's why albert fish killed only mentally handicapped and african-americans
i thought you'd laugh
at african-americans again that they were no i guess i know him i know he'll do
something that's
that's outrageous oh it's kind of outrageous fish was finally arrested and he
immediately began
confessing to killing 700 children get out of here yes i mean uh this albert i
mean this guy was a real
jerk
now i know there was no albert fish so i never i i didn't always come in with
like full sketches
whereas tom i know i remember tom was a guy who would always come in with like
so mcdonald was that guy we we you guys didn't have to pitch to uh like an oligarch
like you didn't
have like a a guy you had to pitch no you guys you had autonomy pretty much
right but that that's why
so they asked you to have a recurring sketch and you shoved up their ass and
dip my balls in it
it's so all right you know what it go to youtube and just type in dip my balls
in it
but louis and the last louis in the last supper uh but really go to you got to
see burning love you
guys we're gonna talk a lot about it but uh we all had to pitch to lorne and
then i realized early
that i would blow i would pitch all like my real ideas and like beat i wanted
to impress everybody and i
would give like and then this happens and then this is the joke and then this
is and the big twist is
this right so then when it got to the table for table read in front of like 40
people no one laughed
because i told i did the sketch in the room and then i realized like a couple
months in there was
the art of the fake pitch and like kevin nealon and norm mcdonald it was like a
contest every week
to see who could come up with the weirdest fake pitch that the host believed
was actually happening
and the rest of the room knew that we all knew it wasn't lauren knew it wasn't
that's awesome but i
remember like kevin nealon every week would do two fake pitches and go also i
have this idea where
you live at the uh the top of one of those runaway truck ramps you know in your
house all the way up
there and uh just yeah it's like dinner time a truck come flying through your
house man and the host would
go yeah this is funny i mean but every week and we would all just be laughing
so hard and the host is
looking around like yeah that is funny right but he but we're laughing because
the host is sure is a
fucking moron and then norm i remember it was bob newhart goes i got this idea
people always um confused
literally and figuratively uh a guy i'll go hey how was hey how was that movie
you just uh you know oh my
god it was so funny i literally laughed my head off man you know he's got a
head still and bob newhart
just just stared at norm like that's the stupidest i ever heard and then norm
like a dog with a chew toy
was like i'm not leaving this room until like they locked the doors like a
prison movie he's gonna
break them like yeah and he goes or or or you go hey how's your wife well she
literally died when she
got your message she literally dropped dead uh right there on the floor she's
died she literally died and
like in like now he's and he's moving like closer did new heart break at a
certain point uh yeah eventually
he's just fucking well and then that week norm did a sketch where he was charles
kuralt and he was the
only it was just charles kuralt alone talking to camera and we're all like in
full charles kuralt
makeup unrecognizable and you're like how the fuck do you like his fake
sketches were better than
anything i ever actually got on air he's amazing isn't he he's an amazing guy
he is amazing the best sketch
that never got on the air in my entire time at saturday night live which is
only 40 episodes was
norm mcdonald's game show name two hey jimmy steve allen is in the gannett's
book of world records
writing over 4 000 songs for that new car name two name two of who steve allen
is in the gannett's
now kate bush is in the rock and roll hall of fame ballot you know for being a
rock and roll uh
hall of fame worthy lady she's written over 600 songs name two ding ding ding
name two what a great
fucking sketch that's a great sketch why didn't you get on i'll read your book
who knows i don't know
why i'll read your book i heard for like two years i'd go to a comedy club and
they'd go yeah norma's
here last week it was pretty weird dude and i'm like my wife and i would like
go like what's going
on with like i hope he's okay you know and then you see his comedy central
special perfect right right
so the joke's on everybody across the country like yeah he was really weird he's
got these other guys
following him like every like weird everyone every town had a different like i
think he was super high
and other towns like he really gambled and another town he came in with 19 men
like weird like that
strange like he made his bae like he had to be bathed or he wanted something
for his feet and then just
you know you see his comedy central special perfect my father died my
grandfather died my great
grandfather died the best of my knowledge he's dead you know uh i come from a
long line of death
and you're just like this is perfect comedy so however it works for you i guess
yeah yeah i honestly
i was driving from quebec city back to montreal because when you do that
festival the montreal
festival i would get too drunk and i'm like i need to get out of here i don't
want to drive i don't
want to be the no i just don't want to be the drunk comedian anymore so i was
like i'm gonna go to
quebec city during the day and have a day and i was driving back to montreal to
do shows that night
and i was listening to norm's album just called me doing stand-up and i had to
pull over so i didn't
crash no room for improvement no i almost crashed my car i was laughing so hard
it's 16 ounces of water
and like a 10 ounce glass and it never just like i was like my grandfather died
my great grandfather
died you know my father he goes on i come from a long line of death yeah no
that was it was that
cancer it's a drug everybody's afraid of a terrorist yeah it's a heart is what's
going to attack and kill
you like your heart and the funniest joke is when he goes the only way to uh uh
stop your heart from
attacking you is to attack your heart with a defibrillator we're not doing this
justice at all
and it's funny because like people that don't just get it you're not going to
convince them no by
sharing it you just gotta listen that album so funny what was it like hey he
lost his long battle with
uh finally lost his battle with courageous battle with cancer yeah all right
but if he dies the
cancer dies dad that's a draw yeah it's such a good like alcoholism is not a
disease like my uncle's
got bowel cancer i have searing searing pain what are your symptoms ah you're
real happy sometimes i
need somebody else's disease we fuck
had a great norm story what is you know he had a great story he was opening for
norm in san francisco
and norm goes yeah you know we're in san francisco you know so don't do any of
that fag
shit you know and he's like what he goes ah you know san francisco uh there's a
lot of gay guys here
they live here in san francisco so just when you go up there don't do any of
that fag
shit and artie's like