Name: Norm Macdonald in a Fat Suit
Uploaded: 2022-03-07T17:23:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald in a Fat Suit' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald in a Fat Suit' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-07. Transcript available.

And now we return to Sunday Morning with Charles Girol.
Well, it seems that's all the time we have this Sunday morning.
It has come time for us to part, you and I, for I am retiring from CBS News.
I have been on the road now for 37 years, and I will miss it.
I will miss it much.
I will miss the thunder of the big diesels as they roar by me.
I will miss the inviting windows of well-stocked general stores reflected in
the rearview mirror.
I will miss the sight of young cottonwoods and old rattlesnake nests,
of winds that blow and rivers that flow.
But mostly, I will miss the sex.
For that is what brought me to the road in the first place, so many years ago.
The promise of sex with a string of anonymous partners across this great land.
And oh, how that promise has been fulfilled.
There was Thelma Ober, a frail old woman of 75, whose pumpkin pies have been
well-known to the residents of Cornwall, North Dakota for years.
Every afternoon, Thelma leaves her house and strolls gallantly toward town.
And wherever Thelma goes, the birds of Cornwall follow.
Miss Thelma Ober is known as the Bird Lady.
I remember Sarah Little, who lived at the end of a long dirt road in the piney
woods of Arkansas.
And is the best friend a dog ever had.
She owns over 450 of them.
Oh, and just one more thing.
Sarah Little is the town dog catcher.
And oh, one more thing.
I had sex with her.
And I will not soon forget old Ned Harrigan from Monkland, Maine, the proud
possessor of a ball of twine 67 feet around.
If he ever unrolled it, it would stretch from Monkland, Maine to the Gulf of
Mexico.
But, of course, Ned didn't want to unroll it.
He wanted me to have sex with his wife.
And so I did.
And wouldn't you know it, old Ned watched.
And I think he learned something.
As did we all that balmy August Monkland night.
Yes, there were hundreds and thousands more.
None of them were very attractive, I suppose.
Even by backwoods standards.
But I couldn't care less.
What's done is done.
Anyway, those days are past now.
I will retire tomorrow and busy myself with more solitary diversions.
Perhaps you'll find me knee-deep in a bending piece of water known as the
Madison River, trying to fool a trout with a bit of floating feather.
Or maybe I'll be practicing something called auto-erotic asphyxiation.
A curious diversion, Eric Severide introduced me to.
And I've grown quite fond of.
And so, tiddly-widdly, toodaloo.
All I want is to stay with you, but here I go.
Goodbye.
Some days we get closer.
Things that we never really needed.
Promises that we never thought of keeping safe.
I guess it's never over.
If we never got a chance to check.
Where's Norm?
Oh, Shelly.
In the six weeks you've been gone, he's been under a lot of stress lately.
And, uh, there's something I ought to tell you about Norm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, Shelly.
Norm, what happened?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, I got a new shirt.
You like it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Plus, I'm a big, fat guy now.