Name: Norm Macdonald as Andy Rooney
Uploaded: 2022-03-11T15:02:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald as Andy Rooney' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald as Andy Rooney' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-11. Transcript available.

As the old refrain goes, people who need people are the luckiest people in the
world.
And then, there's Andy Rooney.
I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about people.
People are everywhere nowadays.
It seems like you can't go anywhere without bumping into some people.
People follow you when you're shopping, they ask you for directions,
and sometimes they ask you what time it is.
People never know what time it is.
They have to ask you.
There are over 4 billion people in the world.
That's a lot of people.
And I suppose most people like each other all right.
But I don't.
I don't like people, and I never have.
I guess that makes me bad.
Advertisers are always using people to help sell their products.
Here's something called cornflakes.
It's got a picture of some people on the box.
I guess we're supposed to think, well, these people like cornflakes.
I guess I will, too.
But I don't think that.
I don't like people, and I don't like pictures of people, either.
There's even a magazine now about people.
It's called People Magazine.
This issue has a picture of some fellow's head on it.
I bet that's a good article.
Here's a box of letters from different people.
Seems there's nothing people enjoy more than writing me letters.
Here's one from Washington.
This one's from Ohio.
Here's one from North Dakota.
This one's from Paris, Texas.
Now, I don't know where Paris, Texas is, but I do know this.
I'm getting pretty tired of cities in Texas naming themselves after cities in
France.
Here's one from Chicago.
This one's from Iowa.
Here's one from Iowa, too.
This one's from Montana.
Here's one from some place called Kansas City.
Here's one from Wisconsin.
This one's from Arizona.
Here's one from Las Vegas.
Here's one from Virginia.
Oh, and here's another one from West Virginia.
This one's from Indiana.
I don't know where this one's from, but it's yellow, and it has a big stamp on
it.
This one's from Colorado.
Here's one from Michigan.
Here's one from Michigan.
I receive about 100 of these letters every single day.
I never open them.
I don't like opening them.
I set fire to them.
Then I pour water on the box of burning letters to put out the fire.
Then I take the whole mess and I dump it out my window on the people below.
People don't like it.
People don't like that much, but I like doing it to them.
I suppose that makes me bad.
We'll be back next week with another edition of 60 Minutes.
And now a few minutes with Andy.
I have quite a few bad habits, which I'm not going to talk about now because I
only have a few minutes.
But swearing and using dirty words is not one of my vices.
I don't use foul language, and I don't like to hear anyone else use it either.
It doesn't make me a wonderful person, but I like this about myself or I wouldn't
be telling you about it.
You don't hear dirty words on broadcast television very often except on cable
and satellite
because 30 years ago, the Federal Communications Commission banned their use in
broadcasting.
It was the right thing to do, but I know what words I think are okay to use and
which ones are not,
and I don't need the FCC to tell me what they are.
Later this year, the Supreme Court will be deciding whether some broadcasters
should be fined by the FCC
for the brief use of those dirty words.
They call them fleeting expletives.
No one has ever explained what harm dirty words do, but it's like bad manners.
I mean, life is a bootstrap operation, and dirty words may not be much,
but they diminish the quality of all our lives by just a little bit.
I think if the Federal Communications Commission left broadcasters alone,
there would be very little profanity on the air because most people just don't
want it.
And if listeners don't want it, broadcasters wouldn't give it to them.
I was in the Army for four years.
I know all the four-letter words.
I just don't want to be reminded of them on broadcasts,
but I don't want a lot of government agencies trying to regulate what I can say
or hear on the air either.
Language is one of the best tools ever invented for anything,
and English is by far the best language.
We should be careful using it, though,
so I'll damn well decide for myself what I can say and what I can't say.
I'm Scott Pelley.
We'll be back next Sunday with another edition of 60 Minutes.