Name: Norm Macdonald and Kato Kailyn
Uploaded: 2022-03-21T16:14:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Kato Kailyn' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Kato Kailyn' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-03-21. Transcript available.

And in court this week, Cato Kalin testified that O.J. Simpson did not appear
angry before or after the period of his wife's murder.
But Kalin admitted he could have been a touch edgy while he was actually murdering
her.
Might have been a...
A labor department study shows that the number of temporary workers rose to 2
million in 1994.
And that study doesn't even include the most temporary of the temporarily
unemployed, Cato Kalin.
Yesterday on Rivera Live, Cato Kalin made the startling admission that he now
thinks O.J. Simpson is guilty.
Although authorities suspect this may just be part of an attempt by Cato to
crash at Fred Goldman's place for a while.
As the jury's decision was announced, Nicole Brown's sister, Denise Brown, told
reporters, quote, I feel ecstatic.
While Johnny Cochran said, quote, I accept the verdict and now we must move on.
Meanwhile, Cato Kalin said, quote, please God don't let it be over.
Wednesday on CBS's This Morning program, correspondent Eleanor Mondale went toy
shopping with Cato Kalin.
According to producers, it was part of a new segment on the show called Let's
Punish the Audience.
Hey, how about Norm's friend in the companion seat right now, Cato Kalin?
Remember Cato?
There he is.
How long have you known, Cato?
Cato, I know him about 15 years.
How did you meet, Cato?
He lives in his house.
Cato, Norm actually crashed on my couch.
Cato, you've got to get your own place.
Got it.
Got it.
How did you meet, Norm?
Actually, through sports many years ago.
Up in Canada?
Tennis and golf.
I've been around for a while there, Regis.
I didn't know you played tennis and golf.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
As a matter of fact, my charity today is the Palm Beach Tennis and Golf Resort.
Ah!
Actually, Norm's kidding.
It's the Hole in the Wall Gang, right?
Yeah, it's the Hole in the Wall Gang camp that Paul Newman started.
And it's real good for kids to go to camp that are sick, you know?
That's nice.
That's good.
Kato's very happy for you.
Kato's a good man.
Because Joy has her hand in my lap.
Joy has her hand in Kato's lap.
Hooray!
Dynamite so far.
Kato's very proud of you.
Ah, he's a good man.
$300.
By the way, Kato and I, you know, I like the ladies, you know what I'm saying?
You and Kato like to, uh...
He's just a guy, I know.
That's all I'm trying to say.
We all have our own thoughts about that.
I can't believe you were bullied by Norm MacDonald.
Why don't you believe that?
Because Norm is just like the unicorn.
Like, nobody really has conversations with Norm.
Let alone...
He would kind of...
Well, he would...
I'm going to kick your ass, Fred.
No, not threatening to beat me up.
Me and Billy Joe Shaver.
Not threatening to beat me up, but just kind of like...
Teasing you a lot.
Oh, it's a...
I know you're at the end, but him and Kato were friends, and they would just be...
Him and who?
Kato Kaelin, the biggest piece of shit.
So Kato Kaelin...
We didn't watch the Hilarity thing.
We talked about it.
No, I didn't.
I fell asleep.
You...
It was on late.
That's not because you were boring.
I mean...
Oh, him and Norm were best friends.
He was Norm's lifeline.
Hey, Kato Kaelin.
They were friends.
So Kato Kaelin would heckle you, too?
Well, they...
One time, me, Kato and Norm played tennis, and I got a flat tire, and they were
driving, laughing
at me because I was on the side of the road.
Ah, ha, ha.
And Kato would kiss up to Norm.
But they didn't stop to help you with your flat tire?
No, they stuck their heads out the window and were laughing as they drove by.
What jerks.
Yeah.
You just won Norm's podcast.
Well, I did.
Oh, you did already?
Yeah.
Oh.
And...
Well, you don't need my help at all, do you?
No, no, no.
Yeah, and...
Was it fun?
It was.
Did you bring up the fact that he bullied you?
I, um...
Or were you afraid because he was a bully?
I was a little afraid that I'd get busted, and, you know, about the book.
But he goes, I don't care.
Norm didn't care.
You know?
Yeah, I go, you know...
I said, Norm, I have to be honest.
You're in the book.
And I said something.
He goes, I don't care.
Sam, who was Norm's best friend the second season of the Norm show?
Cato Kaelin.
You're kidding.
I spent an entire year with Cato Kaelin.
I know stuff about Cato Kaelin.
Norm, Norm, Cato befriended Norm.
I can't even get into this whole thing.
So, we do...
The Norm show was two seasons, all right?
Right.
And we shoot the first season of the shit's picked up.
In the meantime, you know, Norm's living in L.A.
So, I get back to...
You've got to be back on the set, like, August 1st or something.
So, I start moving back out there, like, July 28th.
And this girl, Lori Jo, who Sam's talking about...
And maybe even Sam might have called me up and said,
Well, Norm wants you to play a big poker game tonight at Norm's,
which we used to do all the time.
He's come by.
He goes, Oh, what?
You're going to meet Norm's new best friend?
I'm like, Who's that?
She goes, You'll see.
I walk in, and it's Norm and these guys we used to play poker with.
And Norm's crazy ex-assisted, this kid Danny Wilson.
And Kato Kaelin, one of the main characters in the biggest trial of the century.
Well, Ralph is the Kato Kaelin.
It's amazing, the parallels.
It's a type of guy.
Yeah, he's the poor man's Kato Kaelin.
No way.
I mean, yeah.
Poor man?
You're rich.
You've got more money than O.J.
No, no, no.
No, Ralph's the poor man's Kato Kaelin.
Can I just say something about Ralph?
There's such a level of entitlement.
He always says, I don't feel entitled.
But, like, he'll go to Sam's house, and you would think,
being in the guest house and having access to servants or whatever would be
enough.
He was out there one time, a couple times ago.
And if I have the cars wrong, tell me, Sam.
But I guess the Bentley was parked in front, and the Mercedes was parked behind.
And Sam left the keys to the Mercedes for Ralph so Ralph could go around and do
what he wanted.
And somehow Ralph talked the help into giving him the keys and moving it so he
could drive the Bentley.
But you got it.
Like, the Mercedes wasn't enough, the Bentley was what he needed to be.
Well, these guys are great at doing it, and L.A.'s filled with it.
Now, what Kato did that whole season, like, systematically, by week 15, Kato
was on the show.
Yeah.
Kato got on the show.
At least Kato was looking for a job out of it.
He had a...
He was kind of...
He gets kind of passed around, too, because there was a writer-producer, Kevin
Curran.
I think he's on The Simpsons now.
Yeah.
He used to be on Married with Children, and he...
The first time I met Kato was after the O.J. trial, and he was hanging out with
Kevin Curran.
But he was, like, in my life.
Like, you know, I would go to work, and Kato would be...
Whether he had to work or not, he was at rehearsal.
And what did Norm get out of it?
Well, Norm just said, hey, look, he's a good guy.
And, like, we would all go, like, I don't know what's...
So Norm got so friendly with him that every once in a while we go to this
tennis club by Warner Brothers.
All right.
And we played doubles tennis, and Norm and Kato always had to be a team.
It became, like, the fourth fucking grade.
So me and one of the other...
Me and one of the other writers would always play Norm and Kato in tennis.
And I would tell the writer, I'd say, listen, if we lose to these motherfuckers,
I'm going to tear Kato's head off.
Because if they got a point, and Norm is so competitive, you want to strangle
him.
Right, right.
If they got a point, man, Kato would go, like, ah, Hallie.
And you just feel like going, you murder and fuck, you killed a woman.
You helped kill a woman.
Kato didn't have anything to do with murdering a woman.
Well, I felt like saying that to him.
Oh.
But, you know, he would make you livid and red with anger.
And, like, Norm and him were just the best of buddies for a year, like he had
his...
And what happens that the relationship ends?
They had a falling out somehow.
Oh, really?
Of course.
The Norm show got canceled.
I came back here.
I started here, and eventually I heard they had a falling out.
It's like he was, I think Kato was Norm's phone-a-friend on Celebrity who wants
to beat him.
Get out of here.
So when they were playing tennis together, they always had to be, like, a
doubles partner?
Oh, my God.
How bad.
Like, it became, like, a thing.
And you could see how insidious it was.
And me and this other kid, we'd play with, like, we used to beat him most of
the time,
thank God, but...
Oh, my God, really?
Yeah, if we lost...
If we lost...
Well, he gets so...
Norm is the most competitive...
We got thrown out of the club.
There was an incident with David Hyde Pierce.
What?
David Hyde Pierce?
What a group.
Next to the Warner Brothers lot, there's, like, this tennis club.
And it's, like, an exclusive club.
And it was, like, Caddyshack.
Me and Norm would walk over in Corduroy and just say we want a court.
And the guys are like star fuckers.
They give Norm a court.
He had a show on ABC.
So we walk on, and David Hyde Pierce would be there, and he had, like, an
instructor.
And he'd be in his tennis white.
He'd be in his tennis sweaters tied around his neck.
And me and Norm, like, if we lost...
If I lost a point to Cato Caleb, I'd go, fuck, cunt, fuck.
And I'd throw the...
I'd throw the racket, and David Hyde Pierce would get all scared.
What's this?
Yeah, like, he was scared.
And, like, Norm would, like, abuse him about maybe being...
Oh, my goodness.
And finally, Hyde Pierce complained and got us thrown out.
We got walked out of the club.
Me, Norm, Cato, Caelan.
And this, right, and we got walked out of the club.
David Hyde Pierce was looking, and I was, like, all red-faced, like, yeah, get
out of here.
Fuckers.
Yeah, fuckers.
And, man, but Cato for...
And Ralph has a lot of those...
Like, when I'm hearing this, I saw it firsthand, and I'm saying, my God, he's
doing the same exact thing.
Yeah.
Man, it's wild.
I want to address myself as best as I know how to those that I have wronged,
that I have sinned against.
I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood
would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgetfulness
never to be remembered against me.
Peace.
Peace.