Name: Norm Macdonald on Drugs
Uploaded: 2022-04-17T12:35:48.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Drugs' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Drugs' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-17. Transcript available.

What's the hardest drug that Norm Macdonald's done?
I guess, I guess love.
Where did you go?
I had to go powder my nose.
Oh man, I've never seen a guest do that before.
You ran away during the commercial break and then...
I ran away, I freshened up, I powdered my nose.
Freshened up?
And then I took a piss in the sink.
Alright, alright, alright.
Why?
Why do I ask?
It's my fault.
You go to, you start doing comedy.
And you know, what is interesting to me is we hear about this...
This cocaine is not working.
I'm from the time, let me tell you something, Jack.
I'm from the time, I remember when pot was something you cooked your eggs in.
Yes, yes.
I remember when hash was something you made of corned beef.
Yes.
Exactly.
I remember when acid was something you threw in a guy's face when you made a
pass of your wife.
I remember ecstasy when it was just the feeling you had when you threw that vile
acid in the guy's face.
In the guy's face.
Wouldn't you love to ask Dole, like, when he was doing the commercial for what
they now call erectile dysfunction?
Yeah.
And, and, and, and, I mean, how do you feel when you sit down and do that kind
of a commercial?
I mean, I'd be, it's gotta be a little embarrassing, you know.
I don't feel that an old man should have a erectile function.
Well, I was just thinking, you know, 'cause that, hey, you have that Viagra
thing out.
Yeah.
And the other day, you know, Bob Dole said, came right out and said --
He was one of the first.
Yeah.
And, you know, you don't want to hear about Bob Dole's cock, you know.
I mean, President Clinton's cock, Bob Dole's cock, what the hell.
But, mostly, an old man like that, an old man, you don't want him to have a
super-hard cock.
You know what I mean?
Why?
Why?
'Cause an old man, you want him to be -- got a pipe going, a newspaper, the dog
at his feet there.
Well, that, in some corners, is considered pipe.
Oh.
But now they're gonna have to create some goddamn pill that makes women arouse
at the sight of a fuckin' 70-year-old dude with a super-hard cock.
You know what I'm saying?
It's crazy.
This Viagra.
It's insane.
And you know what?
It's for impotent people.
Yeah.
It's for impotent guys.
So, get this.
I read this.
The pill can make your cock hard for four hours.
Right.
So, now, who has the four-hour hard cock?
The impotent guys.
The rest of us are fucked.
Me and you -- me and you got our regular cocks.
Meanwhile, fuckin' spade is, you know --
You know.
Refer to spade.
Oh, man.
I didn't see it.
I didn't see it coming back.
Dude, I know you didn't.
He brought it all around and then a vicious rip kick into his best friend's
cock.
Once there's too much cock talk, I try to just zone out for a minute until it
goes back the other way.
If there's too much cock talk, this guy has fevered nightmares all night.
Dreams, I mean.
Like, sweaty, fevered dreams.
From the cock talk that's been all over his head.
Cock, cock, cock.
Why bury me twice?
He's killing me.
No, he's a good man.
That erased it.
All right.
No, he's a good man.
Who cares?
After all that, that's the white-out he puts on.
I know.
He talks about you doing shit-ups on cock for 18 minutes.
No, he's a good guy.
Just backstage, a lot of celebrities back there, man.
I was talking to Jerry Jones, you know, the Cowboys owner.
And he's disappointed, obviously.
Yeah.
He's a good guy though, man.
He's talking about rebuilding the team, you know.
And he told me, he says, we have to get back to what made us a championship
team.
Strippers and crack.
And, of course, it was very inspiring to see President Clinton up here on crutches
making a speech.
I mean, I thought that was just amazing, you know.
I mean, it's been difficult for the President.
You know, he can't jog now and he needs help getting around.
And he still, you know, he still occasionally suffers great pain, you know.
On the upside, you got your medical marijuana, so that's, you know.
You must inhale, sir.
It's the only way you're gonna get better.
The show has loosened up considerably.
I noticed, I was watching Oprah and Dave talking about weed and booze.
I don't do either of those.
The hardest drug I ever did, LSD.
And I remember, I was a kid, I was like 16.
And I remember they warned me, they said, hey, you gotta be careful with that LSD
on account of you can get a flashback.
10 years can go by, 20 years, 30 years, and a flashback will happen.
So I thought, hey, that seems like a good deal.
You tell me, I buy a drug for $5, I eat it, I get high, and then 20 years later,
I get high again?
That's not the point.
I like to stretch my drug dollar.
The point is this.
10 years have passed, 20 years have passed, 30 years have passed, and no flashbacks.
What a gyp that turned out to be.
It's just more horseshit by the big acid companies.
That's all it is.
All right, all right.
I want to apologize for running out earlier.
I don't know if anybody saw that.
But, you know, these things happen in live TV, and it reminds me actually of a
maxim that Christopher Plummer told me many years ago.
He said, before a live awards ceremony, do not eat a fistful of LSD.
Take that with you.
Now, Norm, I remember years ago you told me that you were there for the birth
of your son, and I always remember this.
And you said that was the most exciting thing you had ever participated in.
Do you remember that?
Yes.
And then what happened?
You said crystal meth.
Oh, no.
No, you didn't.
I didn't know what you were getting at.
No, that's right.
And then you said a couple of weeks later you went skydiving.
Oh, was that it?
Yeah, that was what it was.
And hang gliding, hang gliding.
And how was that compared to the birth?
This was a joke, I think, at one point?
What?
I have to do your act for you now?
Is that what it's come to?
And you said that was much more exciting than the birth.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I assume anyone smiling is on meth.
Veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana use is on the rise
amongst dogs.
They say you'll know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall
sandwich.
They like sweets better when they're high.
What's that mean?
Yes, I don't know.
In England, a woman was arrested for throwing a birthday party for her 16-year-old
son that included marijuana, alcohol, and strippers.
Now she's got even bigger problems.
What to do for his 17th birthday?
Whatever.
The great drug Special K has been found to be an excellent treatment for
depression.
Hmm.
This according to the New England Journal of Gary Busey.
You know, dogs and humans love to run because it apparently gives them a
natural high similar to that of marijuana, according to the University of
Arizona.
Wow.
After running what are called cannabinoids, the chemical found in marijuana
that gives you a feeling of euphoria, are hiring humans and dogs, and this
encourages them to run again.
To 7-Eleven for a Slurpee!
A Papa John's delivery man has been arrested for allegedly selling more than 40,000
in cocaine hidden in pizza boxes to undercover police officers.
This raises an important question.
Where's all that pizza that was supposed to go in those boxes? Can I have them
to eat?
I'm a big fat guy.
A Florida University student was caught streaking on campus and apparently told
police he was on acid and asked them to cut his dick off.
These kids today are crazy. In my day, we didn't need drugs. We would just cut
our own dicks off.
You didn't need no fucking acid and shit.
When did you gain the weight?
Well, I fluctuated a lot throughout my life.
How did you gain it?
Eating and not exercising.
Would that be your natural weight or do you have to fight that all the time?
Well, yeah, I think I have to fight it to a degree, yeah.
And how did you lose the weight?
Cocaine.
Cocaine?
Mostly, yeah, cocaine and other drugs and very, very serious depression.
That helps me a lot, Dr. Oz.
Is that what I think it is?
I don't know. Do you think it's cocaine?
Yep.
Well, you're partly right.
It's cocaine and there's also a lot of baby laxative.
A couple minutes.
Yeah.
I'll be...
Be careful.
Because it burns like hell when the...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh-huh.
Let me...