Name: Norm Macdonald on Awards Show Compilation
Uploaded: 2022-04-26T13:00:34.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Awards Show Compilation' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Awards Show Compilation' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-26. Transcript available.

Norm Macdonald on Awards Show Compilation

All right. Wow, this is exciting. Thank you and welcome to the American Music
Awards. This is exciting.
I'm not actually in music, so let me introduce myself to those of you who don't
know me.
I'm Norm MacDonald. For those of you not familiar with me, thank you very much.
I am the biological child of Melissa Etheridge and Norm Crosby.
Well, that's the big story in music news right now.
Melissa Etheridge asked her friend David Crosby to be the biological father of
her children.
And, you know, this was a new experience for David Crosby.
Usually when David Crosby picks up a turkey baster, there's a turkey in the
vicinity.
That's right.
He's a fat guy.
But this is the 27th Annual American Music Award.
It's the first American Music Award of the new millennium.
And we're setting a...
Yeah, very exciting.
Very exciting.
And we're setting a big record here tonight.
Three straight hours of ABC programming without Regis.
So that's kind of exciting.
You know, before I did the show, I never realized how much work it took to put
on a production like this.
Check it out.
They spent two months building all these incredible sets.
They had to coordinate 14 live music acts.
And most of impressive of all, they had to find a seat filler for Jennifer
Lopez.
She's got a...
What the fuck?
What was that?
Now, maybe you guys are right.
Maybe she doesn't have a gigantic ass.
I stand corrected.
Well...
It's been quite a year in music, though.
Let's look back.
A lot of classic songs have been covered this year, haven't they?
Lenny Kravitz did American Woman.
Dwight Yoakam did Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
And Barry Manilow released an album entitled Manilow Sings Sinatra.
And I'll tell you, it is a great CD.
Or as I like to call it, it is a great coaster.
I like to put my...
I like to throw my drinks on that.
It's not a good CD at all.
And...
You know, everyone's so obsessed with their careers nowadays in music.
You know what I mean?
Here's kind of a nice story.
Celine Dion is retiring from music to try to start a family, you know?
And I think she's serious about it because I just saw her backstage chasing
David Crosby with a bucket and a copy of Swank.
So...
I think she's serious about it.
Well, we've got a big show, so let's get it going.
Yeah.
Here are our first presenters.
As Dr. Fraser Crane, he's achieved stardom in TV.
And with hits like Come to My Window and Angels Would Fall, she's achieved stardom
in music.
But they have one thing in common.
They both love the ladies.
Please welcome Melissa Etheridge and Kelsey Grammer.
Thank you.
Thank you.
We're back here to present the award for the favorite country album, our...
Our Shadaisi.
An interesting thing about the name Shadaisi, do you realize that the name Shadaisi
comes from the Native American word for my sisters?
It's kind of like that other Native American band, Chumbawumba, which means
thanks for that one song.
Ladies and gentlemen, Shadaisi right now.
Okay, folks, before we continue, I have an announcement from the management.
Would the owner of a Glock 9 with the inscription, Too Puffy with Love, please
pick up your gun?
It's at the hospitality suite.
Well, 1999 was a big year for Latin musicians, and Atlanta Braves pitcher John
Rocker thinks they all suck.
He especially hates our next performer, and has never bought any of his 13
consecutive number one Latin singles or any of his 17 million albums he sold.
So, if you're watching now, John Rocker would be a good time to hit the can for
the rest of us.
Here he is in the Rekia Iglesia.
That's a coincidence, because I did that song in a karaoke bar the other night.
That's one of my favorite songs.
I was just talking to Dre backstage.
I don't know if he's a real doctor, but he did prescribe me some stuff.
And that leads us to our first special merit award of the night.
Ladies and gentlemen, for nearly 30 years, our next presenter toured the
country with his band, The Grateful Dead,
playing guitar to sold-out arenas of tie-dyed hippies.
That's right.
Please welcome the late, great Andy Garcia.
Well, I'll tell you, it's nice to be back on stage out here.
You know, I don't want to say my dressing room is small, but Tommy Lee just
dropped by to visit.
He shook hands with Carmen Electra.
He blew out a wall.
He's got to hear it anyway.
And now to present tonight's next award,
real singers, country music stars, Trace Adkinson, Montgomery Gentry.
Oh, well, thank you, folks.
I didn't know the Judds were back together.
Did you know that?
I just saw them.
I just saw the Judds backstage.
Yeah, you're big Judds fans?
I just saw the Judds backstage chasing David Crosby around with six mason jars
and a ham sandwich tied in a fishing pole.
I don't know what it means.
Our next presenters are talented young stars who became overnight sensations
with their brilliant debut albums.
And if I can take this moment to offer a little friendly advice, kids, whatever
you do, when you put out your second albums, don't suck.
Please welcome, Tal Buckman and Britney Spears.
Yeah, Savage Garden.
That was great.
You didn't seem as savage tonight as usual to me, though.
That might just be me.
You know, folks, it's time for our next presenters.
And for a long time, there's been a rivalry between West Coast rappers and East
Coast saxophone players.
But tonight, they have put their differences aside to be here.
Please welcome Warren G. and Kenny G.
Our next performers took their name from the nickname of their home state.
They picked Lone Star because the other nickname for Texas was already taken by
that other band, Alabama.
Ladies and gentlemen, Lone Star.
Well, you all know our next two presenters.
When he was on the show Silver Spoons, he went by the name of Ricky.
But now he's all grown up on NYPD Blue, and he prefers to be called Big Ricky.
She is an exceptionally gifted singer and songwriter by the name of Amy Grant.
Although she also prefers to be called Big Ricky, oddly enough.
Ladies and gentlemen, big hand for Big Ricky Schroeder and Big Ricky Grant.
Thank you, folks.
I'm really happy to save the 90s Artist of the Decade Award for me to present.
I have been a huge country music fan my entire life, and I'm a big fan of this
guy.
In case you don't know, there's been no need for voting on this one at all.
The record stands by itself.
Look at these statistics.
The fastest selling artist in history.
Four albums.
Sold more than 10 million copies each.
Over 95 million albums sold in all.
More than any other American recording artist.
By acclamation, the 90s Artist of the Decade.
Garth Brooks.
It was your song that made me sing.
It was your voice that made me wish.
It was your life that shined, guiding my heart to find this place where I
belong.
Well, tonight we brought together three of the hottest top ten singers,
and we put them together on this stage to participate in a bare-knuckle fight
to the death.
Here are Tyrese, Jessica Simpson, and Julio Iglesias, Jr.
That's it, folks.
Good night.
Good night.
Good night.
Well, thank you very much.
I'm very excited to be here.
You know, when I was asked to host the ESPYs this year,
yeah, hi, that's my name, Esma.
When I was asked to host the ESPYs this year, folks,
I said yes immediately for one reason and one reason only.
This show has interns.
I'll be having a little improper relations backstage a little later.
But, man, it's great to be here at the sixth annual ESPY Awards.
It's hard to believe, huh, that the ESPYs are six years old.
Although, uh...
Although Anthony Mason swears they're 18.
So...
Yeah, he'll be having sex with the ESPYs in about 12 years.
So...
I was a little late here tonight.
I took a cab to the theater, folks.
And I don't know if you've ever been to these New York City cabs,
but I got one of those cabbies, couldn't speak English, you know.
Saw his name there on the dash.
I couldn't even pronounce it.
I think it was something like Hideki Arabu.
Something like that.
Arabu's been having some trouble, man.
They fired his translator.
Steinbrenner fired his translator.
And people say they see that as cruel, you know.
But I don't know, you know.
I mean, if you're not doing well in Yankee Stadium, you know,
do you really need a translator?
Do you want that?
You know?
You know?
Okay, hey, what'd they say?
They say you suck!
You should go back to Japan, you dirty foreigner!
Okay, I got it.
I'm trying to pitch over here.
It's great to be here on ESPN.
I love sports, man.
I got it.
Man, you can see sports on ESPN you don't see on other networks.
You know, like kickboxing.
That's my favorite sport.
Kickboxing is great.
When you think about it, it combines the style and grace of boxing with kicking.
He seems kind of immature.
Just backstage, a lot of celebrities back there, man.
I was talking to Jerry Jones, you know, the Cowboys owner, and he's
disappointed, obviously.
Yeah.
Well, he's a good guy, though, man.
He's talking about rebuilding the team, you know, and he told me, he says, we
have to
get back to what made us a championship team, strippers and crack.
Hey, have you heard about this?
Ted Turner and NBC plan to start their own rival football league to compete
with the NFL.
And not much known about the specifics of this new league, except for this, it
will suck.
They know that.
So they might have trouble, you know, getting advertisers when we know it will
suck.
And, of course, congratulations to the Denver Broncos for winning the Super
Bowl.
How about that?
That's good.
Yeah.
Denver did great, you know.
There he is.
I love the Denver fans, you know, because, for one thing, they don't wear food
on their heads.
That's nice.
And they had a wild celebration in Denver after that Super Bowl, man.
And now city officials expect an even wilder celebration if the Nuggets win ten
games this year.
They say they're going to...
They say the whole city's going to go nuts.
Yeah, the Nuggets are having a bad year this year, man.
Matter of fact, they're making a film about the team.
They had a pretty catchy title.
It's Black Men Can't Jump Either.
Well, NBA All-Star Weekend over.
That was exciting, man.
The East beat the West.
Jeff Hornacek won the three-point shootout.
Houston's Clyde Drexler and Cynthia Cooper won that exciting two-ball thing.
And Charles Barkley won the throw-a-guy-through-a-plate-glass-window contest.
So that was quite a game, you know.
I mean, you know who impressed me the most yesterday was Kobe Bryant.
Unbelievable.
This guy's amazing.
19 years old.
The youngest starter ever in the All-Star Game.
And he played so well that today he was named spokesman for NBC's new public
service campaign called Screw It, Who Needs College.
Of course, the biggest story in basketball, no question about it.
Michael Jordan may retire.
Yeah, Michael Jordan may retire after this season, and it's terrible news for
Bull fans, you know.
But it is terrific news for golf hustlers.
They're happy about it.
But Jordan is very serious, though, about leaving.
In fact, he's already called the Hall of Fame to make sure that his plaque
bears his basketball nickname, Air Jordan,
and not his baseball nickname, Senior Crappy.
That would just be disrespectful, you know.
Well, how about them Winter Olympics?
They're finally underway, so we've got a lot of great stuff to look forward to
in the next two weeks,
like hockey and, uh, well, just hockey, really.
I was watching last night, it's, uh, speed, uh, speed skating,
and, uh, my goodness, you know, could the outfits they wear be any tighter?
Holy Lord.
There was an East German woman, I swear, you could see the outline of her
entire penis.
It was...
Oh, my goodness.
Well, there's all kinds of sports celebrities in the audience tonight.
I see Tiger Woods right there.
Tiger Woods, how about that, huh?
Yeah, he's up for golf, of course, he's up for golfer of the year, uh, this, uh,
this ESPYs.
And you know who I feel sorry for, uh, folks, is the other two guys nominated
for golfer of the year.
You see these guys getting ready, you know, it's like, 