Name: Old People Sucks
Uploaded: 2022-04-28T04:50:32.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Old People Sucks' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Old People Sucks' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-04-28. Transcript available.

In the December issue of Playboy, 60 Minutes reporter Mike Wallace reveals that
he has not only smoked marijuana, but that it made him sexually aroused.
According to Wallace, he made these comments in an effort to frighten young
people off sex and drugs forever.
In an interview this week, Bob Dole said he is strong enough to handle the pain
of losing the presidential election.
Although he did admit that the shock of winning would give him a giant heart
attack.
At a Veterans Hospital in the Bronx yesterday, four Playboy playmates were on
hand to wish the residents a happy Valentine's Day.
One veteran who was there called it an afternoon of, quote, pellish, agonizing
sexual frustration.
Senator Strom Thurmond, at 94, the oldest person ever to serve in Congress, has
been hospitalized this week with a bout of the flu.
Doctors who examined the senator thoroughly got kind of nauseous.
In battle, House Speaker Newt Gingrich may finally have solved his financial
troubles.
On Thursday, Gingrich announced that former Senator Bob Dole has loaned him the
$300,000 needed to pay his ethics committee fine.
Today, more good news for Gingrich.
Dole has already forgotten he loaned him the money.
According to prosecutors in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
Henrietta Collins, a 90-year-old widow,
was bilked out of her life savings by the trustees of her estate.
Note to self.
Forget trying to bilk Henrietta Collins out of her life savings.
Some dirty bastard got there first.
Former President Ronald Reagan is selling his Santa Barbara ranch to the
federal government,
which will turn it into a California state park.
In what can best be described as a sweetheart deal for Reagan,
he will get $5 million for the 700-acre ranch,
and he will still think he owns this.
The rich get richer, you know?
Ridiculous.
Well, our best wishes to North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms,
who at 76 years old, recently underwent surgery to repair an old knee injury.
Doctors say the senator will no longer need his cane for walking,
but Helms says he will continue to use it to scare off young whippersnappers.
Nothing better than a cane to scare off young whippersnappers.
Finally, in entertainment news, there are rumors that actor Don Johnson
is dating 71-year-old San Francisco socialite Denise Hale.
An observer who spotted the couple necking in a restaurant
will have trouble getting an erection for the rest of his life.
Former First Lady Barbara Bush published her memoirs this month.
Readers were shocked by her revelation that while living at the White House,
she had sex with former President George Bush.
Former First Lady Nancy Reagan reports that her husband
has been relaxing at their ranch, riding horses and chopping wood.
Sadly, eyewitnesses report that he was actually riding wood and chopping horses.
George Foreman says his upcoming autobiography will be an inspiration
to every American who has tried to reach the impossible dream.
And in a related story, former heavyweight champion Michael Moorer
says that he wants his autobiography to be an inspiration
to anyone who's ever been beaten up by an old man.
Well, next Tuesday is Halloween, or as evil old people know it,
Razor Apple Day.
A new study shows that a few simple tests may be able to determine
which elderly drivers are most likely to have accidents.
Sadly, the tests all involve a lot of old people driving cars into trees.
Kind of sad.
This week, President Clinton played golf with ex-presidents
Gerald Ford and George Bush.
Bush hit an old lady in the face with a golf ball,
giving her a broken nose and ten stitches.
But don't be impressed.
It took him five strokes to do it.
Cowboy legends Roy Roger and Dale Evans
launched an internet site on the World Wide Web yesterday
so hackers can learn more about the Western duo.
The most asked question so far,
hey, aren't you guys dead?
And now, Weekend Update,
would like to wish a happy birthday
to comic legend George Burns,
who turned 100 years old today.
You know, I don't know the secret to his longevity,
but I think I speak for all of us when I say,
I hope Pauly Shore doesn't know it either.
A shocking crime in Bunel, Florida,
where a 92-year-old man in a nursing home
has been charged with sexually assaulting
an 85-year-old woman.
A nurse who witnessed the attack
has not stopped vomiting.
In other political news,
Texas billionaire Ross Perot announced this week
that if his party wants him to run for president,
he will.
According to Insider,
it is the first step in Perot's plan
to waste the last few years
of Bob Dole's life.
This week,
after 50 hours of failed budget talks
with Bill Clinton,
a frustrated Bob Dole said,
quote,
we ought to have a new president,
and added,
and he should be a really, really old guy.
Finally, some good news.
According to her doctor,
legendary actress Catherine Hepburn
is recovering nicely from her recent illness,
and they have even upgraded her condition
to decrepit.
That's a nice,
that's nice.
What, you don't like her?
You don't like Catherine Hepburn,
for God's sakes?
And come to think of it,
I got addicted to you.
Oh, no, no, no.
And come to think of it,
I need somebody like you.
Oh, no, no, no.
I need someone like you.
An 89-year-old Washington man
fought off a robber with a golf club.
Though, to be fair,
the only reason the guy
was swinging the golf club
was because he mistook the robber
for the grim specter of death.
Oh, goodness.
Goodness gracious.
What kind of joke is it?
I don't know.
It's Adam Egan's going to read one now.
That's not a joke.
It's sort of not.
Why can't I have a good joke
with a good punchline?
I'll give you a good one.
I'll give you a good one.
Does that make sense to you?
You're a golf guy.
It makes some sense.
Here's a joke about an old guy.
This is actually,
the premise of this is true.
The world's oldest man died yesterday.
Yeah.
So what do you think of this joke?
Man who died.
Cause of death,
everybody yelled surprise.
Oh, it's cute.
You don't read it to yourself.
That's also got a Japanese ending
where they yelled supplies.