Name: One Ugly Bastard
Uploaded: 2022-05-11T15:10:51.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'One Ugly Bastard' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'One Ugly Bastard' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-05-11. Transcript available.

In a highly unusual ruling, the California State Supreme Court declared this
week
that O.J. Simpson attorney Alan Dershowitz is, quote, one ugly bastard.
Meanwhile, Simpson Dream Team attorney Alan Dershowitz was back in the news
this week,
and good Lord, is he ugly. Take a look at the guy.
I mean, this is an ugly, ugly guy. No two ways about it.
An ugly character. All right.
I think it was reported this week that Simpson prosecutors Marcia Clark and
Chris Darden
often passed sexually explicit notes back and forth at the trial.
Notes which discussed each other's, quote, turn-ons.
And according to the notes, both Darden and Clark are turned on by the same
freakish thing, Alan Dershowitz.
Last week at a dramatic press conference about the crash of TWA Flight 800,
ABC News correspondent Pierre Salinger displayed a document which he believes
is proof
that the jet was shot down by a U.S. Navy missile.
Later, he proudly showed reporters his solid gold Rolex that he bought on the
street for just $15.
That's one ugly bastard, isn't it?
Washington power to some Mary Madeline and James Carville are expecting their
first baby in July.
No one knows if the baby will be a Democrat or a Republican,
but doctors are sure of one thing.
It will be weird looking.
Leona Helmsley fired a maid this week for stealing her Victoria's Secret lingerie.
And you think she looks hot here, huh?
Imagine if you would with the...
This week, President Clinton made history when he nominated Madeline Albright
to be first female Secretary of State.
Responding to critics who say that she is not the best choice,
the President insisted, quote,
She looks a lot better after a couple of drinks.
Meanwhile, Republican hopeful Phil Graham says
that Bob Dole should not get the nomination
because he backed President Clinton's plan to send troops to Bosnia.
Dole responded that Graham should not be nominated for president
because, well, look at him.
Take a gander at the fella.
Incidentally, Ms. Mastin will be represented in her civil suit
by feminist attorney Gloria Allred,
who is also quite unattractive.
No box of chocolates, that one.
The most famous vineyard in France, Chateau Mouton Rochelle,
has been getting complaints about a new wine label
which features a sketch of a naked woman.
It should be noted, however, that the sketch is of Sally Jessie Raphael.
You know, nobody wants to see that.
For the fifth year in a row,
People magazine is named John F. Kennedy Jr.,
one of its 50 most beautiful people.
Meanwhile...
Meanwhile, Big Red Nose magazine
has named Ted Kennedy
one of its 50 faces most ravaged by drink.
Former Interior Secretary James Watt
was indicted this week
for still having a large light bulb-shaped head.
To discourage worship of the Dalai Lama,
the Chinese government has banned all photos
of the exiled Tibetan leader,
except for this photo from the 70s.
And filmmaker Ken Burns announced
that following his baseball series,
his next documentary project
will be a 12-hour, 8-part
History of the Dorky Haircut.
The first deaf Miss America, Heather Whitestone,
was crowned last week in Atlantic City.
Although completely deaf,
she is an expert lip reader.
Personally, I don't think she's that pretty, you know.
Not my cup of tea.
According to an obscure 14th century law,
British Army Captain James Hewitt
could be hanged for having an affair
with Princess Diana.
The punishment for having sex
with Princess Diana is death.
The punishment for having sex
with Princess Anne
is having sex with Princess Anne.
Senator Strom Thurmond, at 94,
the oldest person ever to serve in Congress,
has been hospitalized this week
with a bout of the flu.
Doctors who examined the senator thoroughly
got kind of nauseous.
No matter how hard he tries not to,
House Speaker Newt Gingrich
just continues to scare the bejesus
out of little kids.
In a recent interview,
tenor Locciano Pavarotti
says that he is so in love
with his new girlfriend
that he likes to run nude
on the beach with her.
Read all about this.
In this month's issue of
Things That Make Me Vomit.
That picture makes me vomit as well.
A new development
in the Marv Albert story.
This week,
his accuser, Vanessa Perhatch,
decided to go public,
allowing news agency
to print her name and picture.
Following the publications
of the photograph,
legal experts were left wondering,
who was the real victim?
Not easy on the eye.
Well, it's official.
Sportscaster Marv Albert,
convicted last month
on assault and battery charges,
will serve no jail time.
But the big story
was outside the courthouse
where the second accuser
from his trial,
Patricia Mastin,
showed her face in public
for the first time.
This new development
had legal experts
asking once again,
who was the real victim here?
It's been a while
and I still like the way
you look at me.
because I keep loving it.
A celebrated Hollywood
cosmetic surgeon
whose clients include
Michael Jackson,
Phyllis Diller,
and Joan Rivers
has been accused
of fondling patients
while they were
under anesthesia.
The case has legal experts
wondering,
who is the real victim here?
This week,
a milestone in rock music.
R.E.M. drummer Bill Berry
has announced
that he is quitting the band.
Berry,
who has been with R.E.M.
for 17 years,
says the decision to leave
was entirely mutual
between himself
and his giant eyebrow.
He talked it over
and they decided
it was best for both.
An extremely rare
albino bull officer
found recently in Maine
will not end up
on a dinner table,
but will instead
live out its days
in a private aquarium.
The lobster has already
been flown
from Casco Bay
to Texas,
where it will be
lovingly cared for
by rock legend
Johnny Winter.
Finally,
in entertainment news,
there are rumors
that actor Don Johnson
is dating 71-year-old
San Francisco socialite
Denise Hale,
an observer
who spotted the couple
necking in a restaurant,
will have trouble
getting an erection
for the rest of his life.
Thank you.