Name: Norm Macdonald on Systematic Racism
Uploaded: 2022-06-21T16:12:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Systematic Racism' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald on Systematic Racism' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-21. Transcript available.

We got problems in this country, you know?
For instance, systematic racism, you know?
And here's the problem.
Nobody thinks they're racist.
I remember I was in Portland one time, Portland, Oregon,
and the driver picked me up to take me to the gig.
I got off the airplane, the driver's driving,
and we're driving through downtown Portland,
and he says, you know, we got no racists in Portland,
no racism at all.
And I looked around, everyone was white, you know?
So I said to the guy, I said,
well, it's pretty easy not to be racist when everybody's white.
And then the guy says to me, he goes, we got our share.
I'm like, good Lord, we got our share.
That's not right.
Why are all, not all, but a lot of drivers for some reason,
my taxi drivers and something turned out to be racists, you know?
That's what I hear aloud, because I don't drive.
So I'll get in a cab, and the guy goes,
you know what's wrong with this country, don't you?
And I go, I got an idea, so what is it?
They go, you ever have it when the guy says,
and you don't even know which race it is?
Like I had a guy once, he goes,
no, there's a problem in this country, huh?
I go, tell me.
And he goes, too many goddamn scuttleheads.
I was like, huh?
So I looked it up in the dictionary, in Wikipedia, everywhere.
I found scuttle, and I found head,
and I tried to put them together.
I couldn't understand it.
I've asked people of every race,
and no one has ever heard of the term scuttlehead.
And by the way, I would be fine
if we just blamed all our problems on the scuttleheads.
You know what I mean?
Just make them the scapegoats.
Why not?
As a matter of fact,
why not make the goats the scapegoats,
like in the old days?
Eh, sacrifice a goat.
Make it his problem.
That's the one that's at fault,
that goat eating a tin can.
But anyways, I'm not here to talk about goats.
I don't know why I'm here.
Jim...
Is that what you said their neighbor was?
Jim Ping?
That is my neighbor.
Nice fella.
Nice guy.
Let me his abacus yesterday.
I want to do this.
Jesus!
Oh, come on.
That's not a Chinese guy.
I wasn't saying it was.
That's kind of racist.
What are you, Mickey Rooney?
Hey.
Hey, come on.
I know he's dead,
but Mickey Rooney did a very racist thing,
like you just did,
in a movie called Breakfast at Tiffany's
by the wonderful Truman Capote.
I wasn't doing anything racist,
and you know it.
But go ahead.
Do you have any other color jokes?
I mean, he's just blue and yellow.
Did you just say,
do I have any other colored jokes?
I knew you were going to say that.
Fucking Jimmy the Greek over here.
I don't want to...
Jimmy the Greek.
How about Jimmy the Greek gets kicked out
for being a racist,
meanwhile they call him the Greek.
Yeah, I gained 45 pounds.
Are you okay?
Yeah, what's going on?
I'm doing it for a movie.
For what role?
What's the role?
What are you playing, Jackie Gleason?
What do you mean you're doing it for a movie?
It's not a particular movie,
I just think they always need a fat guy in a movie.
A fat guy to be...
You're doing it hard.
You're paying it forward, yeah.
No, I'm going to lose it, though.
Yeah, it's the heaviest I've ever seen it.
And since I've gained it,
I sweat like a...
Yeah, you're sweating.
Like a whore in church.
I don't mean to be...
What?
I don't mean to be filthy, but...
A whore in church?
Yeah, she's nervous,
so she sweats.
She's sweating like a Chris Dorner
in a Big Bear cabin.
Okay, come on.
Well, I'm just...
That's racist.
Did you read his manifesto?
Two businessmen bought the Milwaukee Bucks
for $550 million.
They are very excited
with their purchase
as this is the only legal way
to own black people.
Now, that is here,
and I read that.
Well, you're nuts.
They're...
You know how businessmen are racist?
They are.
Yeah, so it's them being racist.
They are.
The two...
The two businessmen
that bought the Milwaukee Bucks
for $550 million
are racist, according to this...
Oh, no, they're fine, man.
They're...
Do you know the joke
about B.B. King's wife?
No.
You don't?
No, I don't think so.
B.B.'s having a birthday,
so she wants to surprise him,
so she goes to the tattoo parlor.
She says,
put a B on one cheek
and a B on the other.
So the guy does it.
She goes home.
B.B. comes home.
She opens the door,
pens over,
drops her shorts,
and says,
surprise!
He said,
who's Bob?
Oh, that's racist.
There it is!
Ladies and gentlemen,
there it is!
The one and only
of the super Dave
I was born
in this joke
of my B.B. King!
Sell that to Michael Richards, man.
Wow.
Well, that's not a racist joke!
Yeah, sure it isn't.
Who's Bob?
Yeah, you know.
What do you think
about this dog,
the bounty hunter?
Have you been following
that at all, Norm?
That guy,
I mean,
to me,
that sounds racist.
But, like,
you've got to remember
that even though
that is a racist comment,
listen, man,
we've all known
bounty hunters
in our time,
you know?
And they have that thing
like,
curse like a sailor.
Well, that could go
for bounty hunters
just as well.
They just chose sailor.
Those guys,
I mean,
they're not like
you or me,
you know?
No, they're probably not.
If you choose that
as your career,
you know,
you're a bounty hunter.
Listen,
some salty language
is not going to be
a...
You might as well
just be a
blonde shorman.
No,
there's nothing worse
than bounty hunting.
Norm,
you're a genius.
All right,
we've got a couple
minutes left.
Anything else
you want to lay
on the listeners
before we leave today?
That was funny,
that bounty hunting thing.
It's like he's
going to get a pass
on it, right?
I don't think so, Norm.
I think he's in trouble.
Are his bounty hunting
days over?
Where does he go from there?
We can't keep you on it.
I'm sorry,
but, you know,
you have to,
you know,
you have a public image
of hunting down
criminals in their hotel rooms,
diving at them
in the middle of the night
and beating them up.
We can't have you
saying racist things.
I don't know.
All right, Norm,
I'm going to put some oxygen
on my face here
and recover.
You're going to be on
every Friday now?
Yeah,
that'll be fun,
right?
Oh,
are you kidding me?
I'll be like your
Pete Barbeauty.
Chuck Mangione references
you're far behind.
Thank you,
Storm and Norman.
We'll talk at you
down the road.