Name: What About Guys Like Me That Whacks Off All the Time. What Am I?
Uploaded: 2022-06-25T15:02:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What About Guys Like Me That Whacks Off All the Time. What Am I?' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'What About Guys Like Me That Whacks Off All the Time. What Am I?' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-25. Transcript available.

- Everybody's got a name, name.
Everybody's an identity, you know?
Like, let's say your sexuality.
Let's say a guy likes a guy that's a homosexual
if you are attracted to a member of your own gender.
If you're attracted to a member of the opposite sex,
then you're a heterosexual.
But what about a guy like me who just whacks off all the time?
What am I?
I don't know. I don't even think I got a word.
There's two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck.
One is, like we said,
to escape this worthless masquerade of a life
we pretend we have.
And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck
is to whack off.
These guys...
I don't understand.
But this is what I was thinking about whacking off.
Think about this.
It's kind of like a psychotic break you gotta do, you know?
Like in your mind, in your picture,
you have to have a picture there of you with a lady,
and you gotta believe it so much
that you don't even believe what's really happening.
You know what I'm getting at?
Like, I don't know.
Like, a lot of guys, I don't have a great imagination.
Like a lot of guys will do it with a Playboy magazine, say.
Or maybe a Victoria's Secret or something like that.
But I ain't got the imagination for that, you know what I mean?
Like, I try, you know?
But then I'll go,
"Okay, you, come on over here with your Victoria's Secrets."
"Ah, I'll show you your underwear."
I don't know why I'm mean to them, but...
But I'll go,
"Why don't you come on over and take off your underwear?"
And they go, "No, I'm not doing that."
And I go, "No, I went down, well, goodbye."
"I didn't think you would."
"Sorry about that crack about asking you to take your underwear off."
But I don't have the imagination for that.
However, there is this lady
that works down the street from me at 7-Eleven.
And she's not much to look at,
but she likes me, and that's the important thing.
And in that way, in that certain way, that women like men.
And I know she likes me on account of...
One time, I was buying sour cream and onion chips
and vanilla Swiss almond ice cream,
and I'm getting it, right?
And she goes, "I like sour cream and onion chips, too."
And I go, "Oh, yeah, that's interesting."
And she goes, "No, I really like them."
And I look up, and I'm like...
Because sometimes the shadow of the thing is bigger than...
Anyways, I knew that she liked me.
So then, for the next two months,
you know, I'm wagging off, and...
Oh, my God.
Now, in my head is me and the girl...
I don't think any guy could just, in his head,
have, you know, himself wagging off.
That wouldn't work.
And I'm only talking about men.
Because I've asked women, you know, I've said,
"What do you do when you lie with yourself
and make your finger a blur,
like a hummingbird's wing?"
What do you think of in your head?
And then they go, "Oh, a hammock?"
And I'm like, "Oh."
So anyways, they're a little more advanced.
But we have to think of a specific scenario.
So my scenario is the lady from 7-Eleven.
I go, "Hey, they're giving you a break.
I'll show you a break on over here."
My jokes don't even make sense.
But anyways, I get it.
But what I'm interested in is in the moment
when the fever breaks.
You know what I mean?
When that four seconds of issue
that you spend so much time going after,
it ends, you know what I mean?
So, 'cause you're thinking of all these things
in your head, you've just got a psychotic break going
that would rival a paranoid schizophrenic,
and then all of a sudden it stops, you know?
You're like, "Ah! Ah!"
It's just me.
There aren't no ladies at all.
It's just me.
I gotta get a hold of myself.
What'll I do here?
I know.
I'll go downstairs now.
I'll get a cheese sandwich.
Ha, ha, ha.
Yeah.
I'll never think about this again.
Ha, ha, ha.
That's right.
Ha, ha, ha.
So, I'll be honest with you.
Sometimes I feel bad about doing that.
Self-abuse, you know, lying down with myself
on account of-- because I'm a Christian, you know?
But I'll tell you this.
A lot of people think Christians are self-righteous,
but we're not.
We're sinning all the time, you know?
All the time.
For instance, I eat apples.
Now think about that for a second.
It's on page one.
First thing you can do in the world.
And I'm munching down an apple.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You know?
Oh, shit, I love apples, but is it worth getting raped
by the devil for all of time?
I say no.
Anyways, I know there's a God.
And people go, well, you're only a Christian
because you grew up in a Christian.
And I understand that.
And that's one of my biggest fears, you know?
Is that I picked the wrong religion, you know?
That I believed, but then I die, and I go, ah, it's you!
I thought it was the other fella.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I should have been slaying apostates the entire time.
Oh, well.
I'm bad at whacking off.
What?
Bad at it?
Yeah.
How could you be mad at it?
I know, you would think it would be easy.
Yeah.
It would be fortunate.
You cannot make yourself calm?
Oh, I can, but at the wrong times, and--
I didn't even know about lotion.
Till when?
Till somebody that was intimate with me said,
what are all those big red scabs on your top?