Name: Norm Macdonald's Wife, Ruth
Uploaded: 2022-06-27T14:41:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Wife, Ruth' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Wife, Ruth' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-06-27. Transcript available.

There's a guy that will come on TV and go,
Hey, listen, let me ask you a question.
Do you like yellow?
And I go, Yeah, of course I like yellow.
And he goes, Yeah, well, so is this guy.
And I show guys waving, pointing at someone that doesn't exist,
wearing a yellow shirt, you know?
And then I go, Ruth, get out here, goddamn.
Here's a guy on the TV that's speaking for me, finally, Ruth.
Anyways, I hope you guys are all doing well.
I'm glad I got my wife, you know, Ruth.
She's all right, you know.
She's watching a lot of TV.
She's got her guilty pleasures, you know?
And her guilty pleasure is watching Housewives of Atlanta.
I don't know if you've ever seen that.
My guilty pleasure is finding elderly gentlemen
and shooting them in the leg.
That's just a joke.
That is a joke.
I felt it was time I'd tell a joke.
And I think it may be in my contract.
Anyways, my wife, man, she ain't the brightest girl, Ruth.
We have what's called a hall pass.
You know what that is?
A hall pass?
That means you're allowed to have sex
with any two people that you would like to have sex with,
you know, because they're special.
So I chose, and the other partner has to agree to it.
So I chose on my hall pass, Angelina Jolie and Christy Brinkley.
And Ruth, my wife, she's so stupid that you know who she chose?
The Mexican guy that mows my lawn and his brother.
Of all the people in the world.
Of all the people in the world.
But I love women, you know, I consider women to be superior to men.
I'll tell you why.
They create life.
Think about that.
You know what I mean?
What do men do?
Maybe they eat sour cream and onion chips or something.
Women create life, for God's sakes.
It's amazing.
You know what I'm saying?
If I was a woman, that's all I do, just create life.
You know, I go to parties and go,
Hey, Fred, what do you do?
I can't remember.
And Fred would go, I'll tell you what I do, Loretta.
That's my name in the story.
He'd go, I'll tell you what I do, Loretta.
I think you know I work down at the bank for Mr. Abernathy.
And I, well, what my main job is,
Abernathy will give me a stack of papers about this big.
And by the end of the day,
if I get them down about this big,
well, that's a good, I go, wait a second there.
I'm sorry.
I got to stop you there.
You know, remember I was telling you
how I create life, human life,
the highest form of life?
I just got to tell you this.
That life just kicked me.
Can you possibly wrap your head around that?
And then he'll go, huh?
Huh.
Well, I, uh...
Look!
Abernathy's never given me that
corner office like he promised.
And there was plenty of lunches
where he brought it up.
Ah, but then Henderson showed up.
And that all changed.
Who am I kidding?
I should just quit.
Anyways,
what have we learned from this little fable?
That lady I saw you with last night.
That's rude.
Bit of a hippo.
I read about a hippo swallowing a man
and I thought of you.
Now, you remember Ruth?
You remember Ruth?
His girlfriend is a wonderful kitchen butt.
He went out with this big fat hog.
I mean, listen, it's not sexist in any way.
It's not sexist.
No, no.
The whole family.
The whole family.
Ruth's family?
Oh, my God.
They may as well live in a sty.
Okay.
Because not only, I mean, they were obese.
The whole family.
I mean, it's just rude.
No, I know.
I mean, I'm not saying that her, listen, people have girth issues.
Yeah, I mean, it was, I think it was inherent.
It's the PC version.
I mean, it was just a.
Yeah, I mean, I try to be.
Girth issues.
Yeah.
It was, yeah, it was a genes issue.
I mean, I don't think she could really help it.
Oh, yeah.
No, it was all genetic.
Her genes were not flattering.
Her genes that caused her to buy a lot of fucking pastry, I'll tell you that.
But they were filthy.
Like pigs.
Like pigs.
They would eat.
And then the food would fall on them.
And it always.
The father, I remember, like, his gut was way up.
And you know about the fucking.
And the skinny arms, like a pterodactyl.
He would just eat off of his own gut.
All the time, yeah.
And then a big, fat Ruth there with this fucking guy.
And she'd always sit on his knee.
He'd, whatever.
I don't even want to get it.
No, but she was a nice lady, you know.
Really nice lady.
But spiteful.
Really?
She sounds great.
Yeah.
Fat.
She was nice, but she was horribly spiteful and horribly obese.
Yeah, she had.
She was mostly known for her spite.
Like, if you got to know her.
Known.
Known.
Yeah.
You got to know her.
You have to be really spiteful to have that beard.
Absolutely.
I knew her for three months.
I didn't even see a fat person anymore.
Just pure spite.
Spite.
That's a compliment to some fat people.
One time I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
I don't want to say she was spiteful.
She could be watching, man.
I don't want to say she was spiteful, but one time she got on the scale and
said, please,
one at a time.
I mean, this lady was spiteful.
One time, she was so spiteful she was swimming in the ocean, a helicopter
fucking radioed
down for landing instructions.
I mean, she was a little spiteful.
No, it's just a euphemism.
No, it's just a euphemism.
God bless Ruth.
God bless Ruth.
She was named after the biblical figure, Ruth.
Do you know the book of Ruth?
No, but every time you talk about Ruth, you always refer to the chapter of
Jonah.
That's true, yeah.
The whale.
That's my little joke.
It's not a whale.
It's a big fish.
What is a mammal?
What's a seal?
It can't, it's not mutually exclusive.
I mean, they can be a whale animal.
I still have to breathe air, right?
How do they get up on those buoys?
It's a shimmy.
They're shimmy.
They must be just pure muscle, the way Ruth's pure spite.
Yeah.
All right.
Pure blubber.
Okay, you know, now what?
You know, it's the whole thing is a complete waste of everyone's time, and it's
joyous.
Right.
Because he's reveling in it.
He's reveling in every second of it.
This wife, Ruth, he's speaking of.
Nothing's real.
Yeah, Agnes at the desk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.