Name: Norm Macdonald Screwing Up His Jokes
Uploaded: 2022-07-21T17:51:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Screwing Up His Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Screwing Up His Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-07-21. Transcript available.

-He had the, I think, best word choice
of maybe any comedian I've ever seen.
He intentionally mispronounces words when he knows.
But he's constantly screwing with you on every level.
But his word choice is -- he was like Mark Twain.
He had this folksy, completely out of time.
-Model Carrie Otis made news this week
when she stated that she didn't want
Mickey Rourke showing up at her work.
Hey, join the club, lady.
You think any of us want Mickey Rourke
showing up at our work?
According to a poll taken last week,
if the presidential elections were held tomorrow,
the guy in the funny mask would win.
Maybe if I said the word properly.
A Cambridge Mass Assurance --
Cambridge Massa Shoe Sets juror
found city councilman William Walsh
not guilty of malicious destruction of property
after he removed two dildos
from a sculpture in the city hall annex.
Walsh's defense was that he was walking by,
saw them, and said to himself,
"Hey, free dildos."
Look at that.
18-year-old Julie Wozchak will be going to Paris
after winning an essay contest sponsored by the Dayton Daily News.
She won for her essay, which was entitled,
"Why I want to go to Paris with some old guy
from the Daily Dayton News."
The Dayton Daily News.
"Like that would have helped."
Okay.
Last week, Magic Legend --
or basketball legend, Magic Johnson.
Last week, basketball legend Magic Johnson rejoined the Los Angeles Lakers.
Four years after learning, he was HIV positive.
NBA doctors have assured the league's players
that they have absolutely nothing to worry about.
as long as when they are guarding Magic,
they remember not to have sex with him.
A new development in the O.J. Simpson civil trial this week.
According to sworn testimony,
Nicole Brown Simpson had told her therapist
that she was afraid of getting beaten by O.J. Simpson.
Asked why he didn't report this earlier,
the therapist said,
"I was afraid of getting beaten by O.J. Simpson."
I said, "getting beaten,"
and that may have hurt a little.
A French government survey finds that Disneyland Paris
is the most popular tourist attraction in the country,
and the most popular ride?
Women who don't shave their armpits of the Caribbean.
There's two ways, there's two ways to pronounce that,
and I got neither.
Over the next two months, the murder,
uh, I'm sorry, after the, uh, over the next,
what are they, hey, yeah, yeah.
Over the next two months,
the number of border patrol agents in Tucson, Arizona,
will double to 49.
Meanwhile, the number of illegal aliens
sneaking into the country will hold steady
that had 100 million billion.
And finally, sources report that
Michael Jackson's baby is due February 27th,
and it's going to be named Michael Jackson, Jr.
Michael plans to be with the mother during the delivery,
in his words, to make up for not being there
for the contras...
Sources report that Michael Jackson's baby
is due February 27th.
It's conception.
The last word was conception, so...
Just after hours, just hours after...
Works both ways.
Just hours after President Clinton again pledged
to clean up the Democratic Party's fundraising operation,
the White House announced he will attend
a million-dollar fundraiser next week.
However, spokesman Mike McCurry stressed that at this event,
"Donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries
will not be accepted, unless they are left
in a brown paper bag under the sink in the men's room."
Unquote.
Weekend Update's 1997 survey of the most dangerous jobs
in America is out today.
The biggest change,
last year's number one West Coast rap star.
You know, it would probably be better
if I was over on this camera.
Okay, well, now that I'm over on this camera,
it would probably be better if you put the cards over here.
The 1997 Most Dangerous Jobs in America is out.
And this year, a little bit of a change,
last year's number one West Coast rap star
has been knocked out of the top spot
by the new Most Dangerous Job in America,
East Coast rap star.
Imagine if it had all gone well.
Last week in Kansas City,
two people that were two hom--
two people--
Oh, drats.
Two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen
were married in front of homeless guests
at the very same soup kitchen.
For those who want to give the couple a wedding gift,
they are registered at Kansas City's
District 5 Recycling Pant.
Last weekend in Washington,
a new museum dedicated to broadcast jerk.
What the fuck was that?
Last weekend in Washington, a new museum.
Last weekend in Washington, my farewell performance.
Last weekend in Washington.
With the resignation of two police officers
in Virginies, Vermont,
the city's 2,500 residents are now left
with only one policeman.
Note to self,
if I get fired for cursing on the air last week,
drive up to Virginies, Vermont,
hypnotize the remaining policeman, and loot town.
The biggest show right now, in the planet, is Kate and Ashley plus-- what?
Kate-- John, John and Kate--
Spit all over me.
That's all right.
John and Kate plus eight.
You did it!
You did it, yeah.
John and Kate plus eight.
You did it, yeah.
John and Kate plus eight.
There's a show called Rock of Love.
Yes, Bret Michaels, Rock of Love, yeah.
Yes, Bret Michaels, and he had a band called Rock of Love,
and he was a big band singer.
No, he had a band--
He had a band called Poison.
Ah, whatever, yeah.
But, Poison, Poison.
But their hit song was Rock of Love.
So, anyways, the idea is that he gets these ladies.
He says he may pardon the McDougals if they're, you know,
if they go to jail, he may pardon them.
And then they asked him, they said, what about Hillary?
If she, you know, if she is--
Because she is also a co-conspirator in this thing.
Yeah, if she gets sent away.
If she gets sent away, will he pardon her?
And Clinton said, you do the time--
you do the crime, you do the time, he said.
That'd be great.
Next time you're on the show, just--
On our show, studies show that people
don't watch the show, period.
Space Jam.
You know about this movie?
Yeah, yeah.
Sure, it's Space Jam.
I thought everybody would know it.
You know, I know about it.
Space Jam is, yeah.
It opened at number one, $30 million.
And I saw the movie, you know, it's pretty good.
Michael Jackson's actually a very good actor, you know?
Yeah.
He's not Shaquille O'Neal, you know?
But he's a good, I don't know, this isn't going well.
Michael Jordan.
What did I say?
Michael Jackson.
Oh, that's why.
No, but Michael Jordan is in this movie, right?
He is in the movie, yeah.
And he made $30 million for it, and apparently he did the movie
because apparently there was some money in the world
he didn't have, you know?
So he had to--
Did I say Michael Jordan?
You said Michael Jordan that time.
Yeah, you did good that time.
OK, that's--
Any other topicals you want to zing out there
before we move along?
No, it's not going very well.