Name: "I Don't Work Out" - Norm Macdonald
Uploaded: 2022-08-09T22:45:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '"I Don't Work Out" - Norm Macdonald' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '"I Don't Work Out" - Norm Macdonald' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-09. Transcript available.

Yesterday night, like, because I'm trying to get into fitness, so for the past
two days, like, I was doing those weights and all that stuff, so then I got all,
I was like, yeah, I'm going to run, and then I looked on the computer about
running, and they said barefoot running was good, so I barefoot ran on this
sidewalk, and then I cut my foot, and then I had to walk back like a half a
mile with a cut foot, so now my foot's all weird.
Yeah, that doesn't, they are saying that barefoot running is the way to go, in
fact, they have these ridiculous shoes that protect the bottom of your foot,
but each individual toe, but I've thought that often, if you're a man from the
western world, your feet are not exposed that much to rocks and glass, it's not
like in Kenya where they run for, you know, 30 miles, yeah, so yeah, we're very
susceptible to what is on the ground, I mean, you could end up with tetanus,
you could step on something infected with something, my suggestion to you would
be to run with shoes.
That's what Steve's worried about, because I didn't, I just put some water on
it, but my feet are still, water, my feet are still filthy, oh yeah, like the
bottom of them look like, like homeless guys feet, oh really, have you bathed
since the run?
I like soaked it, but you know, like, it's, it's the black, it's deep, the
black, whatever it is.
Like tar and asphalt, yeah, it's dug into your skin now.
Yeah.
So you're getting very much into fitness, because we taught you, by the way,
you were great when we talked to you on the phone, unfortunately the guy
producing it didn't have your voice in any of it, so we couldn't play it.
Really?
Yeah, but you were, but if any of the, if any of this seems redundant, I
apologize.
I'm sorry that you had to get up to do that.
Norm MacDonald, by the way, two shows tonight at the Wilbur Theater, you can
get tickets at thewilbur.com or call Ticketmaster at 1-800-745-3000.
So since when and why has, uh, uh, uh, exercise become this passion of yours?
Uh, three, what, three days ago?
Yeah.
Like, what, what, what occurred to you where you're like, you know what, I, I
need to start running outside and lifting weights and researching this stuff?
Uh, well, I had these weights that somebody gave to me a long time ago, and, uh,
so I was lifting those for a couple days.
I was starting to feel really good.
And then I went for a swim, and then I, that was, like, the night before last,
and then I was like, yeah, it's, everything's gonna be different now.
That was horrible.
So you're working out now and stuff, right?
Yeah, how about you?
I don't, I worked out a couple times.
I, I, I liked it when I was young.
I didn't have, you know, you didn't have to work out.
You were just in good shape.
Yeah.
And I was in my best shape back then.
I think I was in my, seriously, when I was, like, uh, when I was one, that's
when I was, like, reached your peak when you were one.
My God, I look great.
You wouldn't know me now, you see me back then.
I was young and fresh.
I can imagine.
I can imagine.
Even for my age, I look, people come up and go, what, you zero?
I don't work out.
I'm a weak man.
You know that, Dennis.
Well, listen, you and I were on the Mount Olympus of weakness.
And not just physically.
No, no, in every way.
In every single way.
So, um, I told the guy that.
He said he couldn't do anything except for the physical part.
But, uh, I don't know if he was the best trainer or anybody.
He was smoking a butt the whole time.
No, that's not good.
That's just a joke.
He was a big guy.
And, uh, but I, I told him, I said, look, I don't want, uh, be big like you.
You know, I don't want veins, I have no use for that in my arms, you know, or,
uh, abs.
I don't want abs.
I don't know quite what they are.
All I know is they were invented around the 80s.
And I don't even know what you do when you, when you get them.
You know what I mean?
Because you've got to wear a shirt, you know?
You go to work and go, hey, you want to see these things on my belly?
And I was like, no.
But, uh, so I told the guy, I said, uh, all I'm here, I'm here for one reason
and one reason only.
I want to have one hot ass.
Now, folks, I don't like to brag, but like Schwarzenegger, I did a little bodybuilding
back in the day, too.
But, uh, I'm guessing you guys wouldn't want to see that, though, would you?
Okay, all right, sure.
Let's hope that doesn't live on the YouTube channel.
He doesn't live on the YouTube forever, long after I'm dead, out of context.
I never worked out or anything like that because, you know, I always felt like,
uh, I always felt like you can't, like, if you're a dude, you know, you can't
really, uh, ladies don't seem to care.
At least that's what they say.
And then, also, I don't think you can get, like, a perfect body.
I think if you're a lady, you can get a perfect body.
But if you're a dude, I don't think you can get, like, a perfect body on
account of you got, like, uh, every dude seems to have one of those, like, uh,
uh, like a sack.
And so, no matter how perfect your body is, if you've got a sack, you know, it
doesn't look very good, you know, you don't have a good-looking body, basically,
you know, no matter what.
And you show me any new dude, you go, hey, look at that guy's body, good God,
what's that fucking thing?
That guy's got a sack on him.
Yeah?
That's not a good-looking body.
You ever see a guy with a good-looking sack?
You know, yeah?
You ever see a guy go, hey, Bob, you know what, uh, your best teacher is me and
the guys who are talking about it.
Your sack, holy lord, that's...
You doing something different with your sack lately or something?
God damn, that looks good.
Good-looking sack you're toting around there, I'm telling you.
Right?
You can't work out on there or anything.
Got no machine, got no, uh, sack of steel.
I don't know.
They're just giving up on that, man.
That's why I'm surprised at fucking those plastic surgeons.
Why are they working on the sack, man?
The guy goes like, man, I got some, a little, a thing here, a line under my eye.
I'm going to get that taken care of.
Meanwhile, huge, ancient old sack taken up.
Yeah, that's my problem, man, that eye thing.
Got a little crow's feet there, man.
I get rid of them, and I'll be good.
Sack's old, too, man.
That's a whole, older than you, your sack.
I don't know how that worked out.
You know what I mean?
You have a dude, like, 25, his sack's like 100 years old.
Right?
Sometimes you turn to him for advice.
You ever do that?
You go, what?
You go, what would you do, wise old sack?
You know?
He's like, I'll tell you something, son.
You ever say, old guy sacks are like, you know, old guy sacks are really old,
because they're like 80 or sacks, like 400, 500 years old.
It's like a fucking old, like a tree or something.
It's not like a tree, but trees are old right there in the book.