Name: Norm Macdonald and Hookers
Uploaded: 2022-08-20T23:32:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Hookers' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald and Hookers' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-20. Transcript available.

It's funny that the expression came about, it's a true story, because it's
always a not.
Right.
It's always not a true story.
Yeah, right.
It is, you know, protestant.
Like nobody ever goes, hey, I got a hooker last night and I paid money in
exchange for
sex.
True story.
Yeah.
This one says, remember the old days when tweeting meant stabbing a hooker?
Bob liked that one.
I am not a big fan of video games where you cannot kill a prostitute.
I like the ones where.
Oh, like Grand Theft Auto.
Yes.
That was the hook for that game.
That's really what people.
It was.
Really was.
Got excited about.
Inevitably, somebody would always say, hey, you know what the great thing is,
you can drive
down this alley and you can kill a prostitute.
That was the thing people talked about most of that game.
That's why that game took off.
I agree.
Isn't that strange?
Yeah.
Hey, how about this one?
They say pimping ain't easy, Andy.
But what they won't tell you, it is much, much more difficult being a prostitute.
Pimping is pretty easy.
I don't know if you're a pimp, but.
When you get older, you start to get a little short term.
But I remember things from 10 years ago like that.
Yeah.
He can remember like when he was a kid, but he can't remember murdering that
prostitute
last night.
You can go to jail for that.
It's a whole new law.
I've been told.
How old is she?
I don't remember.
If you don't remember, you're not going to be convicted.
Yeah, I'm past that lie detector.
If you were a Russian prostitute on a date with serial killer Andre Chikatili,
a.k.a.
the roster, he couldn't achieve an erection.
That was not your lucky day.
No.
Las Vegas is now home to a 550 foot tall Ferris wheel.
Also drawing thousands to Las Vegas.
Whores.
That's you.
That's your voice all the way right there.
It's the old, the Norm Macdonald lean in horse.
No, no, no.
Now listen to this.
This would be a good joke for you, I feel, Fred.
Okay.
Just to the camera.
Here's what I've learned.
You beat up and toss one 19-year-old Hispanic hooker out of a moving car, and
they never let
you forget it.
Isn't that true?
That is funny.
That's both funny and true.
Hey, hey, let me ask you this.
Did you ever toss a prostitute off a bridge?
I was just saying I heard that was a sign of being a serial killer.
Okay.
You're the worst guy I've ever met.
I mean that in a nice way.
There's the Dick Morris is getting a new show.
Did you hear about that?
Dick Morris, the presidential advisor in the scandal.
Yeah.
Didn't you hear that now he's getting a show?
He's like, can you believe the guy is actually getting a show on the TV?
That's amazing.
Yeah.
And it's a morning show.
It's called Good Morning Whores.
I'd watch that.
I'd watch that in a second.
He was a garbage man.
He won the lottery.
He won the New York State lottery.
He won like $8 million, and he said he's not going to quit his job.
You've always heard that, right?
Right.
I'm not going to keep my job.
I'm going to keep my job.
And there's only one occupation where the person does not keep his job when he
wins the lottery.
You know what that occupation is?
No.
Crack whore.
Like, I went to Vegas a couple weeks ago, and a funny thing happened.
Hey, Andy.
Hi.
And a funny thing happened there in Vegas, right?
I go there, you know, to gamble.
I meet a couple of midgets, you know?
A couple of midgets?
Yeah.
Little people, I call them.
Well, I don't think that, I don't think of people as little people.
Okay, your word's better.
Yeah.
Go ahead, anyway.
You meet a couple of midgets.
I know a lot of people in show business talk about the little people.
Right.
But I think everybody's the same.
The midgets, the regular people.
Okay.
You know?
We're all human beings.
We're all human beings.
That's good.
You're not, that's good.
You have a good attitude.
Some of us are, you know, short and have weird big heads.
So, anyway, these guys, these guys, these guys.
That neck went out there for a second, but it's better now.
These two midgets, man, they were the funniest dudes.
And one of them was telling me that him and his buddy decided to get a couple
of prostitutes,
you know, because midgets, they can't have sex very much with the women, you
know?
So, they say, we'll get a couple of prostitutes.
I didn't know that, but okay.
So, they say, let's get a couple of prostitutes, right?
So, the other midget goes, hey, man, that's great.
So, uh...
What are they, Cheeks and Chong?
Like, your two midgets are like, hey, dude.
Yeah, man, that sounds heavy.
Well, you know.
All right, all right, all right.
So, the midgets, uh, the one midget, they get, anyway, they get their two prostitutes,
you know?
And they take them up to their room, you know, in the hotel.
Uh-huh.
And, uh, so...
The one midget, he gets in the room with the girl, and he's...
They're in separate rooms here?
Yeah, separate rooms, but they're adjoining.
Right, right.
So, the one midget, he gets the prostitute, and he wants to have sex with her,
but he'd been drinking a lot, so he had trouble, like, performing, you know?
You know?
Yes, I know.
Right.
So, the one midget, he gets in with his girl, but he's too drunk to perform,
and he feels real bad, right?
Uh-huh.
So, then, this is what the guy's telling me, the midget.
He goes down, oh, yeah, no, then afterwards, he says, okay, get out, you dirty
whore, you know?
Keep blaming her, you know?
Right, blanks her.
Okay.
So, she leaves, and then he's feeling all bad, so he listens with a glass to
the next room where his buddy is with his prostitute.
Right.
And he hears, like, in the next room, he hears, uh, one, two, ah!
One, two, ah!
One, two, ah!
One, two, ah!
Right, right.
One, two, ah!
Right.
Stop, stop doing it.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, he goes, oh, that dirty, dirty midget's having some fun sex over there, you
know?
So, you know?
He calls him a midget, too?
Yeah.
But he's a midget.
All right, whatever.
So, he feels bad, you know?
Right.
And the next day, man, he meets his buddy midget at the, at the coffee shop.
He goes, and the guy goes, hey, man, I had a go last night.
And the one guy goes, oh, man, it was horrible, you know?
I was too drunk.
I couldn't perform with my prostitute.
He goes, but it sounds like you had a good time.
And then the other guy, midget, goes, what are you kidding?
I couldn't even get up into the bed.
I was, oh, man.
You know, it's really lucky that you ran into those guys, because it's such a
good story.
I know.
I looked happy, I mean.
They did very good at Baccarat.
They were happy.
But I just have one question.
What is this fascination that guys have with prostitutes?
That's all I want to know.
Uh, gee, let's think about that.
I'll tell you what the fascination is.
What?
Go, Norm, go.
Instead of going out and spending money on a keychain and a g-string,
you spend money on sex.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I forgot to say that.
You're only ever wanted.
You're only ever wanted.
But Vegas was cool.
They have a motto in Vegas.
They got their own slogan for the city.
He says, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Which is not true.
You know, you can't kill a guy and then just leave.
You know?
They'll follow you.
They'll find you.
They'll bring you back, and they'll try you in front of a jury of your peers.
So I thought, well, what does it mean anyways?
You know, and I ruminated about it.
Days and days and nights.
Sleepless weeks.
Became sleepless more weeks.
And finally, it occurred to me.
It was so simple.
It was right in front of my face the entire time.
Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
All it really means is you can go to Vegas.
You can have sex with a prostitute.
And she will not tell your wife.
And she will not tell your wife.
They're very discreet.
The Las Vegas prostitutes.
Yeah?
Not like these gossipy small town whores back where you live.
You know?
These fucking blabbermouths.
Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head.
Whatever the fuck that is.
Going, you're Marge Majerison, John Neal's wife?
Well, by God.
I took a shit on him last night.
I...
In exchange for cash.
Nice fella.
Farrah, the first time I ever saw you, I thought, oh my God, that is one of the
whoriest looking whores I have ever seen in my life.
And I have seen a lot of whores because I'm a rock star.
And, you know, I've seen ladies like in the front row look at me with that
super whorey look on their face.
And you look whorier than all of them.
And that really means something to me.
Okay, settle down, prostitutes.
Now, understand that you each get $20.
And this requires no sex.
No sex at all.
Regardless of what this character tells you.
Whoa, you got a dead hooker in the trunk.
What?
Whoa, it can't be.
Yes, it was.
It was a dead hooker.
That wasn't a dead hooker!
Pal, I know a dead hooker when I see one.
What's the...
Oh, my goodness!
What are you doing?
I've never seen so many dead hookers in all my life.
Lord knows I have.