Name: Homeless Bum
Uploaded: 2022-08-21T22:50:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Homeless Bum' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Homeless Bum' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-21. Transcript available.

I'm trying to be a better person now. You ever try to do that?
I give a guy some money out there, a homeless guy in the street, and this is a
kind of odd thing.
He had a dog with him. You ever see this? He's a homeless guy, but he's got a
dog.
That kind of odd there. A guy got no home, you know, but he's got a dog.
And the dog's really thrilled with this idea, you know.
Dog's going, hey, pal, I can do this by myself very well here, you know.
You're the longest walk in the world you got me on here. What the hell can I do?
What the hell can I do? What the juice?
And if you want to hear a story...
I love me a Norm story.
One time we were in the office doing update stuff,
and there had been a news item about there was going to be a newspaper for the
homeless, you know.
And so we were thinking about doing some of that.
So we started improvising.
It was more of a scene, not something we could do on the segment,
but it was like a tough kind of Terry White kind of editor going like,
you, Miller, I want 500 words on going to the bathroom in your pants.
You, you know, give me something.
Give me a human interest thing.
You, you know, that kind of thing.
And like a lot of, like, photos, maybe some, you know, a little human size, you
know.
What are, you know, pets, that kind of thing.
And so nothing came of it, and I sort of forgot we had the conversation.
And then the first meeting we have after the summer, Norm comes to me and goes,
Hey, Dowdy, remember that, you know, that thing we were talking about there
with the,
remember that thing with the newspaper for the homeless, you know, that thing,
the homeless newspaper?
And I go, yeah, yeah.
And he goes, yeah, well, you know, I was out in L.A.
and I was asked to do this benefit, you know, for the coalition to feed the
homeless.
And, you know, I, and I'm going, no, no, no, no.
And he goes, yeah, you know, I, I, I did that bit, you know.
They hated it.
They hated it.
All right, you tell me now.
That's part of the, that's the Andy Kaufman part of the joke, or is he actually
surprised that they hated it?
That's what I can't quite figure it would look like.
I know.
Oh, yes.
And have you ever considered publishing a book that tells all that how-to book?
No, but I have considered some way to pass along what I have accumulated.
What is the fun part for me?
Oh, no, there's no fun for you.
There's no fun for me.
No, that's true.
It's, well, but what's the fun for you in giving a homeless guy a, spraying a
handful of quarters
and watching him dodge in and out of traffic?
No, but I, I'm saying there's.
That question answers itself.
I was saying there's fun, and maybe not fun, but you obviously, you obviously
want to give back.
You never walked past a homeless person and they're, they're begging you as a
fellow human being or something
and you ignore them and you maybe feel some evil bile come out of your place.
No, sometimes I think if I give this person money, I'm kind of agreeing that
you can't get out of this situation.
Well, what if they can't?
I don't know if they can or they can't.
What are the things you'd like to change?
A change in the world?
Yourself.
Oh, and myself?
Um, I'd like to give more money to homeless people.
I walk past too many of them.
I give money to them.
I try as much as I can, but I, every time I walk past them, I go, why didn't I
give money to that guy?
Well, what else is going on?
Did you ever, you went back?
Did you get in the holiday spirit?
Are you a kind of guy that gets, you know, feeling?
I try to do something nice, you know.
You ever try to do something nice?
No.
It's not my style, Norm.
But, uh, I was, uh, it was Christmas in New York, you know, and I was alone.
So, anyways, I went, there was a, uh, a diner that I always go to near my house.
It's a really nice diner.
And, uh, so I went there, and there was this homeless bum there, you know.
Just say a homeless guy.
It's not politically correct to say bum.
Why can't you say homeless bum?
No, I thought they didn't like to be some of bums.
Yeah, right.
A homeless guy, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Well, anyway, so, okay.
I'm not going to let you get to this story.
I'm just going to keep giving you a hard time about bums.
You meet a bum, a hobo, a tramp.
A tramp, yeah.
He had a little stick with a thing on him.
He was from the 1930s.
Yeah, okay.
And, uh, so he says to me, he says, uh, can I get some, uh, some money off?
You know, I don't like giving the homeless bums money.
I'll tell you why.
Because I figured they'll do the crack.
Right?
They'll, they'll, they'll do the crack.
Yeah, my dad, my mom says, never give a homeless bums money because they'll go
do the crack.
So I said, okay, I said, I don't want to give this guy money.
He'll go do the guy.
I said, why don't I just bring you in the diner, you know, and I'll get you a
meal.
I'll buy you a meal.
It's Christmas, you know, it'll be nice.
So, uh, the guy goes, okay.
So we go in the diner and we order, you know, the, the meal.
And this guy just keeps ordering food, you know?
Like he's really hungry.
Yeah.
And, uh, so he orders and orders and orders and I'm like, well, you know, you
gotta be nice.
Got to the, you know, thing.
Sure.
And, uh, so I order, I, I order like a soup or something.
And then, uh, all of a sudden, like, this unbearable stench comes off the guy.
Huge stench.
Really?
It smelled like, like, uh, like, like...
That's okay.
Anyway, so, I don't know what the smell was.
Yeah, uh-huh.
It was like, I don't know, it was like human waste or something, you know?
And it seemed to be coming from the guy's, like, trousers.
Nor, I said, that's okay.
Okay, okay.
I was like, the stench is enough.
We all can do the rest in our head.
Yeah, so this stench fills the diner, right?
So I have to go to this diner, right?
So everybody's looking at me like, what the hell did you bring a homeless bum
in the diner for?
With a stench, you know?
So I'm like, I'm trying to eat my soup.
I can't even eat it.
And I'm wishing I'd, I'm wishing I'd bought this guy crack.
I wish I'd got, you know what I mean?
I wish I'd gone, found some crack and bought it for the guy.
So, anyways, and everybody hates me, the guy that, you know, I go there every
day.
And so then the end of the meal comes, this guy's ordered everything, and I'm
looking at my wallet.
I only have, like, 28 bucks.
It was, like, 31 bucks.
I don't know if it was a soup.
And so, now, basically, we're two homeless bums, you know?
So I go, look, buddy.
And he's been jabbering about Rockefeller.
He was at Rockefeller's fume.
I didn't know what he was talking about.
And I go, look, buddy, you've got to come up with something here, you know?
Kick in something.
You want him to, yeah, it's only fair.
He ate almost everything.
I had a soup.
He was having a hamburger.
So the guy goes in his pocket, and then, you know, I didn't want him to, I didn't,
who God knows what he has in his pocket, right?
But he had some, uh, some coins, and they were all gross, and they were, like,
some of them were black.
Anyway, that's my Christmas story.
Man, wow.
What a young spirit.
You were, you were, you were, you were, you were a regular Garrison Keillor
over here.
And, and some of the coins were black.
Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, you close the book and kiss your child good night.
That's a nice story.
I took a homeless guy, said, I'm going to take you to this diner that I always
go to.
So I go there with him, you know, into this diner.
Sit down, uh, to get me a meal.
Good God, if the guy, uh, the, the unbearable stench of urine starts coming off
this guy.
So nobody wants that in a restaurant, you know?
No, you don't, you don't want that.
So I'm like, all right, everybody's, like, trying to eat, you know?
So the guy orders his food, and I'm trying to talk to him.
He starts telling me about how, this is his idea of a conversation, this guy.
Starts telling me about how, uh, Governor Rockefeller is poisoning the pigeons.
Right in the city.
So I tell this guy, I go, what are you, retarded?
I said, Governor Rockefeller, I said, the governor of the state is Pataki,
Governor Pataki.
He says, no, no, you know, huh, he talked weird, he was like, huh, the, the
pigeons.
He says, the pigeons are the cleanest animal you've ever seen.
I go, I'm not arguing with you, buddy, but I'm telling you, the governor's name
is Pataki.
That's unbelievable.
He's crazy.
He wasn't, turned out he wasn't retarded, he was, you know, woo-woo-woo.
Now, Norm, you've had, uh, Star Night Live has a really long, I used to work
there.
It's a long summer break, you guys.
Yeah, yeah, it's like school, you got a whole summer off.
That's pretty sweet.
Have you been performing at all this, uh, summer?
Yeah, I did, uh, I've been doing stand-up, you know, at clubs and stuff.
Sure.
And, uh, oh, man, I, uh, I didn't realize how much, I forgot how much I stunk
at it.
Like, I'm not good, and everyone hates me.
I did, uh, I went to the, uh, uh, this gig right in town.
You ever hear of the Bowery?
Yeah, heard of the, yeah.
You know that place, right?
Sure, yeah, I've heard of it.
Yeah, it's Skid Row.
Mm-hmm.
And so there's all these homeless bums on the street and everything like that.
Yeah.
And you have to go through it.
So I went to this club, and I bombed, they hated my gut, so I was all mad, you
know, I get mad when I don't do good.
And then, so, I went out of the thing, you know, I walked out.
You walk like that, really?
Yes.
You've got that problem, I remember.
So I walk out of the club.
So I get out, and, uh, this homeless guy, you know, this bum, he starts walking
beside me, bugging me, you know, hey.
You're supposed to call them bums anymore.
Yeah, hobo, you know.
A tramp.
A tramp.
A tramp, okay, riding the rails.
Yeah, just a layabout, and he's, he's, like, coming up to me, and he's, like,
bugging me.
I want money.
They always want money, you know.
Yeah.
They never have money, you know.
That's the problem with them hobos, yeah.
So they're, like, hey, give me some money, give me some money, and, you know,
sometimes they'll walk with you.
So I said, look, man.
I said, I'm going to give you some money if you just go away.
I'm mad at him, you know.
I was mad.
I go here, and I just go, so I pull in my pocket, and I just give him a bunch
of money, like, change, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Give it to him.
I go, go on, get out of here, you dirty bum, you know.
So he goes away.
So then I go to get the subway, you know, and I look at my pocket.
I give him the guy.
I don't have my token, my subway token.
Oh, you gave it away accidentally.
And I don't have a wallet or anything, so I was thinking I was going to try to
jump the thing.
But at that end, you know, you get in trouble for that.
So I said, I've got to find that bum, that homeless bum, you know.
So I have to go back, and I'm walking back the street, and there's all homeless
bums.
They're all lying there on the street.
And I don't know which one is which.
I can't remember.
So I'm, like, lifting up guys' hats and stuff, you know, and looking under
newspapers.
So finally I find this character.
I go, hey, you.
I go, give me some of that money back, you know.
And he's like, no, go away.
He's turned mean, you know, because I was mean to him earlier.
He goes, go on, get out.
This is like a biblical tale.
Yeah, okay.
The New Testament.
All right, go ahead.
You know, I felt sorry for him.
He had no place.
And so I go, okay, forget about it.
And I go to turn around.
And then I grab his cup, like, real quick, and I start running.
I like how your running is, like, walking just turned up, like, 10 degrees.
Okay.
So it was great.
And then I felt bad, though, because when I looked through, I had, like, about
a buck more than I gave him.
You know?
Oh.
That's not right.
That's not right at all.
Yeah.
That's terrible.
Yeah.
Well, sometimes they say, if you give, you'll receive more in return.
That's the sweetest story I've ever heard.
I'm all choked up now.
Now, I heard also you've been, uh, you did a little cross.
He was probably just down on his luck.
Yeah.
That's what, that's what happens.
Why'd you feel you had to throw that in?
I don't know, you know, I read books on the Great Depression, and they seem
cool.
But I would like to, it would be fun to go, ah, I don't even like my wife
anyway, and I don't got no money.
I'll just get a stick and a pouch and head out.
No one does that anymore.
No one, no one ties a rag to a stick anymore.
And what are you, what are you going to do?
You're going to find a partner is what you're going to do pretty quick if you
value your life.
Really?
Yeah.
You see, people, it's all going to be different once the Great Depression,
because my dad used to tell me about the Great Depression.
Like, if I had money to invest in right now, you know what I would invest in?
Guys jumping off the top of buildings.
You think that's not going to happen, but soon that's going to be very big.
And then those guys won't be powerful anymore, because most of them will be
dead, and the rest severely crippled.
And so the powerful guys will be the old hobos.
The hobos, the hobos from olden times?
From the original Depression.
Oh, okay.
Those guys are still around?
Some of them never gave up the life.
Okay.
And they use that stick for more than carrying a pouch on, I'll tell you that.
I don't even know what that means.
What that means is they'll drive your head, like an overwrite cantaloupe, it
looks like.
What?
What the hell is that?
They'll club you to death for a sandwich.
Oh, my God.
Well, thanks for spelling it out for me.
All right.
So you're afraid of these hobos?
Well, of course I am.
You really think these old hobos from the Depression, you think there's any one
of them left?
Yeah, there's Kitchener Leslie.
What?
He's an old hobo that's waiting and wait for his time.
You'll know all about it.
You just wait.
Hey.
You will literally say anything.

Homeless Bum

I'm trying to be a better person now. You ever try to do that?
I give a guy some money out there, a homeless guy in the street, and this is a
kind of odd thing.
He had a dog with him. You ever see this? He's a homeless guy, but he's got a
dog.
That kind of odd there. A guy got no home, you know, but he's got a dog.
And the dog's really thrilled with this idea, you know.
Dog's going, hey, pal, I can do this by myself very well here, you know.
You're the longest walk in the world you got me on here. What the hell can I do?
What the hell can I do? What the juice?
And if you want to hear a story...
I love me a Norm story.
One time we were in the office doing update stuff,
and there had been a news item about there was going to be a newspaper for the
homeless, you know.
And so we were thinking about doing some of that.
So we started improvising.
It was more of a scene, not something we could do on the segment,
but it was like a tough kind of Terry White kind of editor going like,
you, Miller, I want 500 words on going to the bathroom in your pants.
You, you know, give me something.
Give me a human interest thing.
You, you know, that kind of thing.
And like a lot of, like, photos, maybe some, you know, a little human size, you
know.
What are, you know, pets, that kind of thing.
And so nothing came of it, and I sort of forgot we had the conversation.
And then the first meeting we have after the summer, Norm comes to me and goes,
Hey, Dowdy, remember that, you know, that thing we were talking about there
with the,
remember that thing with the newspaper for the homeless, you know, that thing,
the homeless newspaper?
And I go, yeah, yeah.
And he goes, yeah, well, you know, I was out in L.A.
and I was asked to do this benefit, you know, for the coalition to feed the
homeless.
And, you know, I, and I'm going, no, no, no, no.
And he goes, yeah, you know, I, I, I did that bit, you know.
They hated it.
They hated it.
All right, you tell me now.
That's part of the, that's the Andy Kaufman part of the joke, or is he actually
surprised that they hated it?
That's what I can't quite figure it would look like.
I know.
Oh, yes.
And have you ever considered publishing a book that tells all that how-to book?
No, but I have considered some way to pass along what I have accumulated.
What is the fun part for me?
Oh, no, there's no fun for you.
There's no fun for me.
No, that's true.
It's, well, but what's the fun for you in giving a homeless guy a, spraying a
handful of quarters
and watching him dodge in and out of traffic?
No, but I, I'm saying there's.
That question answers itself.
I was saying there's fun, and maybe not fun, but you obviously, you obviously
want to give back.
You never walked past a homeless person and they're, they're begging you as a
fellow human being or something
and you ignore them and you maybe feel some evil bile come out of your place.
No, sometimes I think if I give this person money, I'm kind of agreeing that
you can't get out of this situation.
Well, what if they can't?
I don't know if they can or they can't.
What are the things you'd like to change?
A change in the world?
Yourself.
Oh, and myself?
Um, I'd like to give more money to homeless people.
I walk past too many of them.
I give money to them.
I try as much as I can, but I, every time I walk past them, I go, why didn't I
give money to that guy?
Well, what else is going on?
Did you ever, you went back?
Did you get in the holiday spirit?
Are you a kind of guy that gets, you know, feeling?
I try to do something nice, you know.
You ever try to do something nice?
No.
It's not my style, Norm.
But, uh, I was, uh, it was Christmas in New York, you know, and I was alone.
So, anyways, I went, there was a, uh, a diner that I always go to near my house.
It's a really nice diner.
And, uh, so I went there, and there was this homeless bum there, you know.
Just say a homeless guy.
It's not politically correct to say bum.
Why can't you say homeless bum?
No, I thought they didn't like to be some of bums.
Yeah, right.
A homeless guy, yeah.
Okay, okay.
Well, anyway, so, okay.
I'm not going to let you get to this story.
I'm just going to keep giving you a hard time about bums.
You meet a bum, a hobo, a tramp.
A tramp, yeah.
He had a little stick with a thing on him.
He was from the 1930s.
Yeah, okay.
And, uh, so he says to me, he says, uh, can I get some, uh, some money off?
You know, I don't like giving the homeless bums money.
I'll tell you why.
Because I figured they'll do the crack.
Right?
They'll, they'll, they'll do the crack.
Yeah, my dad, my mom says, never give a homeless bums money because they'll go
do the crack.
So I said, okay, I said, I don't want to give this guy money.
He'll go do the guy.
I said, why don't I just bring you in the diner, you know, and I'll get you a
meal.
I'll buy you a meal.
It's Christmas, you know, it'll be nice.
So, uh, the guy goes, okay.
So we go in the diner and we order, you know, the, the meal.
And this guy just keeps ordering food, you know?
Like he's really hungry.
Yeah.
And, uh, so he orders and orders and orders and I'm like, well, you know, you
gotta be nice.
Got to the, you know, thing.
Sure.
And, uh, so I order, I, I order like a soup or something.
And then, uh, all of a sudden, like, this unbearable stench comes off the guy.
Huge stench.
Really?
It smelled like, like, uh, like, like...
That's okay.
Anyway, so, I don't know what the smell was.
Yeah, uh-huh.
It was like, I don't know, it was like human waste or something, you know?
And it seemed to be coming from the guy's, like, trousers.
Nor, I said, that's okay.
Okay, okay.
I was like, the stench is enough.
We all can do the rest in our head.
Yeah, so this stench fills the diner, right?
So I have to go to this diner, right?
So everybody's looking at me like, what the hell did you bring a homeless bum
in the diner for?
With a stench, you know?
So I'm like, I'm trying to eat my soup.
I can't even eat it.
And I'm wishing I'd, I'm wishing I'd bought this guy crack.
I wish I'd got, you know what I mean?
I wish I'd gone, found some crack and bought it for the guy.
So, anyways, and everybody hates me, the guy that, you know, I go there every
day.
And so then the end of the meal comes, this guy's ordered everything, and I'm
looking at my wallet.
I only have, like, 28 bucks.
It was, like, 31 bucks.
I don't know if it was a soup.
And so, now, basically, we're two homeless bums, you know?
So I go, look, buddy.
And he's been jabbering about Rockefeller.
He was at Rockefeller's fume.
I didn't know what he was talking about.
And I go, look, buddy, you've got to come up with something here, you know?
Kick in something.
You want him to, yeah, it's only fair.
He ate almost everything.
I had a soup.
He was having a hamburger.
So the guy goes in his pocket, and then, you know, I didn't want him to, I didn't,
who God knows what he has in his pocket, right?
But he had some, uh, some coins, and they were all gross, and they were, like,
some of them were black.
Anyway, that's my Christmas story.
Man, wow.
What a young spirit.
You were, you were, you were, you were, you were a regular Garrison Keillor
over here.
And, and some of the coins were black.
Good night, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, you close the book and kiss your child good night.
That's a nice story.
I took a homeless guy, said, I'm going to take you to this diner that I always
go to.
So I go there with him, you know, into this diner.
Sit down, uh, to get me a meal.
Good God, if the guy, uh, the, the unbearable stench of urine starts coming off
this guy.
So nobody wants that in a restaurant, you know?
No, you don't, you don't want that.
So I'm like, all right, everybody's, like, trying to eat, you know?
So the guy orders his food, and I'm trying to talk to him.
He starts telling me about how, this is his idea of a conversation, this guy.
Starts telling me about how, uh, Governor Rockefeller is poisoning the pigeons.
Right in the city.
So I tell this guy, I go, what are you, retarded?
I said, Governor Rockefeller, I said, the governor of the state is Pataki,
Governor Pataki.
He says, no, no, you know, huh, he talked weird, he was like, huh, the, the
pigeons.
He says, the pigeons are the cleanest animal you've ever seen.
I go, I'm not arguing with you, buddy, but I'm telling you, the governor's name
is Pataki.
That's unbelievable.
He's crazy.
He wasn't, turned out he wasn't retarded, he was, you know, woo-woo-woo.
Now, Norm, you've had, uh, Star Night Live has a really long, I used to work
there.
It's a long summer break, you guys.
Yeah, yeah, it's like school, you got a whole summer off.
That's pretty sweet.
Have you been performing at all this, uh, summer?
Yeah, I did, uh, I've been doing stand-up, you know, at clubs and stuff.
Sure.
And, uh, oh, man, I, uh, I didn't realize how much, I forgot how much I stunk
at it.
Like, I'm not good, and everyone hates me.
I did, uh, I went to the, uh, uh, this gig right in town.
You ever hear of the Bowery?
Yeah, heard of the, yeah.
You know that place, right?
Sure, yeah, I've heard of it.
Yeah, it's Skid Row.
Mm-hmm.
And so there's all these homeless bums on the street and everything like that.
Yeah.
And you have to go through it.
So I went to this club, and I bombed, they hated my gut, so I was all mad, you
know, I get mad when I don't do good.
And then, so, I went out of the thing, you know, I walked out.
You walk like that, really?
Yes.
You've got that problem, I remember.
So I walk out of the club.
So I get out, and, uh, this homeless guy, you know, this bum, he starts walking
beside me, bugging me, you know, hey.
You're supposed to call them bums anymore.
Yeah, hobo, you know.
A tramp.
A tramp.
A tramp, okay, riding the rails.
Yeah, just a layabout, and he's, he's, like, coming up to me, and he's, like,
bugging me.
I want money.
They always want money, you know.
Yeah.
They never have money, you know.
That's the problem with them hobos, yeah.
So they're, like, hey, give me some money, give me some money, and, you know,
sometimes they'll walk with you.
So I said, look, man.
I said, I'm going to give you some money if you just go away.
I'm mad at him, you know.
I was mad.
I go here, and I just go, so I pull in my pocket, and I just give him a bunch
of money, like, change, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Give it to him.
I go, go on, get out of here, you dirty bum, you know.
So he goes away.
So then I go to get the subway, you know, and I look at my pocket.
I give him the guy.
I don't have my token, my subway token.
Oh, you gave it away accidentally.
And I don't have a wallet or anything, so I was thinking I was going to try to
jump the thing.
But at that end, you know, you get in trouble for that.
So I said, I've got to find that bum, that homeless bum, you know.
So I have to go back, and I'm walking back the street, and there's all homeless
bums.
They're all lying there on the street.
And I don't know which one is which.
I can't remember.
So I'm, like, lifting up guys' hats and stuff, you know, and looking under
newspapers.
So finally I find this character.
I go, hey, you.
I go, give me some of that money back, you know.
And he's like, no, go away.
He's turned mean, you know, because I was mean to him earlier.
He goes, go on, get out.
This is like a biblical tale.
Yeah, okay.
The New Testament.
All right, go ahead.
You know, I felt sorry for him.
He had no place.
And so I go, okay, forget about it.
And I go to turn around.
And then I grab his cup, like, real quick, and I start running.
I like how your running is, like, walking just turned up, like, 10 degrees.
Okay.
So it was great.
And then I felt bad, though, because when I looked through, I had, like, about
a buck more than I gave him.
You know?
Oh.
That's not right.
That's not right at all.
Yeah.
That's terrible.
Yeah.
Well, sometimes they say, if you give, you'll receive more in return.
That's the sweetest story I've ever heard.
I'm all choked up now.
Now, I heard also you've been, uh, you did a little cro