Name: Norm Macdonald Wins a Dog for His Comedy Special
Uploaded: 2022-08-28T20:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Wins a Dog for His Comedy Special' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Wins a Dog for His Comedy Special' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-08-28. Transcript available.

Thank you from Norm. This would mean so much to be recognized for what's so
important to him,
which is comedy. He would never even hurt a bug. He would capture and release a
bug,
so helping any animal meant so much to him. So please be kind to everyone and
every being.
Thank you so much.
I just wanted to say that my father loved dogs and he loved the second annual HGA
Award.
Look at this.
Here we go.
Looks almost like a dog.
It is a dog.
It's a dog?
Yeah, his name is Pizza.
Pizza. Well, well, well, you have a dog. I never thought of a dog as a zoo
animal.
Oh, we have a lot of animals there.
Well, what can you tell us about the dog?
Well, the dog is a subspecies of the gray wolf.
Oh, gray wolf. Do you have any gray wolves?
Oh, we have so many gray wolves.
Oh, well, bring them in. Where are they?
They're back at the zoo.
They're at the zoo.
Far too dangerous.
I hope this thing doesn't attack me whenever it is.
All right, I think you guys are going to love this a lot.
Let's see what it is.
What is this? This looks like a dog.
It is.
It's another fucking cock sucking dog. I knew it.
Anyways, well, this is a cutie. What's this girl's name?
This is Arnett.
Arnett.
She's very special.
So did you know that dogs are a subspecies of the gray wolf?
Yeah, I fucking knew that.
Everything's expensive. Everything costs money there, you know.
I went to buy a dog. I couldn't believe how much these dogs cost.
Salesman in a store trying to sell me the most expensive dog in a store, you
know.
Big $600 dog.
Big pit bull.
$600, you know.
And I was looking to pay, you know, maybe a buck, something like that, you know,
man.
Two bucks, something like that, you know.
But I was going, hey, don't you got a bargain dog around a joint here?
Any kind of a dog of the week going on this week?
A big bin of dogs, maybe, that I can pull something out of there?
But this guy goes, no.
He says, why don't you buy this pit bull?
He says, this guy's an expensive dog.
And he goes, this will protect your valuables, this dog, you know.
And, you know, I don't have anything very valuable, you know.
I don't own a lot of stuff there, you know.
I'd buy the pit bull.
That would be the most valuable thing I own.
I'd have to buy something to protect it then, you know.
Be out shopping for wolverines the next day there.
Show me something in a timber wolf, my good man, I'd be saying to some good man
there.
No, you don't want a dog like that, man.
I want a dog to do things for him, you know.
Fetch my slippers, that's the joy of having a dog, you know.
Pit bull won't do that stuff.
Go, hey, pit bull, fetch my slippers.
Pit bull go, hey, I can kill you, pal.
I'm a pit bull, don't you read the papers or anything?
I kill, that's all I don't fetch.
I fetch people, that's all I fetch.
I can fetch you a guy, that's the best I can do there.
Maybe you're wearing some slippers.
How'd that be?
When I was young, no such thing as a pit bull.
When I was a kid, it was the meanest dog around, the Doberman dog, you know.
And they'd kill you too.
They'd rip your throat out just the same, you know.
But not fast like a pit bull, eh.
A Doberman always give you a little head start there, you know.
They were a sporting dog, them Doberman.
They'd see you in the street, they'd go, hey, is that your house over there?
Eh, go ahead.
Then they soar through the air and rip your throat out.
Do a flip, you know, and you'd be impressed, even though you're dead, you know.
Man, look at that flip, man.
But I don't want to.
You don't see Dobermans around anymore, you ever notice that?
Pit bulls now, they got all the work and everything.
All the domestic security jobs go to the pit bulls.
Man, a Doberman's like the forgotten dog now, you know.
Once in a while, you see him on a park bench with a frisbee there, you know.
I used to be somebody.
I'm a Doberman.
Got a buck?
Buck for the Doberman?
So I don't get any of those killer dogs, you know.
I always buy a dog.
When I'm buying a dog, I think to myself, I go, hey, if this dog goes berserk,
could I take him?
I got a nice wiener dog.
I got one of them wiener dogs.
Wiener dog can't rip your throat out or anything like that, you know.
Unless you're lying down, you know.
You have to be lying down, sleeping there, you know.
Wiener dogs sneak up late at night, start nibbling at your throat there.
Maybe by daybreak, he's got a hold of a vein there.
He's pulling out of the vein there.
You know, you wake up, oh, get away from me, you wiener dog.
What the hell do you think you are, a pit bull or something there?
Look at my vein back there.
Where does he get out of a wiener dog?
He's a hickey, a little hickey there.
That's about all.
And that's embarrassing, too.
You ever have a hickey, man?
You'll be walking down the street, people see you.
Hey, you got a wiener dog over there, huh?
Well, a beef-flavored water for dog hit stores this week,
and dogs are eagerly anticipating the arrival next month
of the newest water flavor,
other dogs' asses.
Is that it?
Whoop!
There I am.
I thought I was over there.
A sheepdog carrying $250,000 worth of cocaine in its stomach
was found at JFK Airport earlier this week.
A customs agent got suspicious when he saw two airline employees
taking turns sniffing the dog's ass.
And in California, a new restaurant has opened exclusively for dogs.
Their specialty?
A fried chicken dinner, said to be scrotum-licking good.
In Oklahoma, sheriff's deputies are using police dogs
to sniff for bodies buried on an 80-acre farm.
The dogs have sniffed the ground for three days,
but so far, all they've dug up is another dog's ass.
In Topeka, Kansas, the fire department
is now using a new weapon to fight arson,
a black Labrador trained to sniff out chemicals
used in setting fires.
Although it should be noted, if this dog is correct,
the culprit in every arson fire this month
is some other dog's ass.
And finally, in California, pet owners.
Pet owners can now take their canine friends
to the world's first doggy wedding chapel,
where dogs can actually be married in a civil ceremony.
The ceremony ends when the justice of the peace says,
you may now sniff the ass.
Well, now there is finally a matchmaking service for dogs.
At Happy Animals, matchmakers guarantee
to find your dog a perfect mate
based on height, weight, age, and breed.
So far, the dog dating service has had a 100% success rate
because, according to its founders,
any dog will have sex with any other dog.
Well, President Clinton received an early Christmas present this week,
an adorable Labrador puppy.
And presidential historians say
that it will be good for his image.
According to these scholars,
in comparison to a male dog,
the president's sex life will seem relatively normal.
I have a joke.
Oh, Norm's got a joke.
Wait a minute.
Here we go.
Go.
A dog walks into a telegraph office where they send telegrams, the telegram
office, right?
And so the guy says, okay, what do you want your telegram to read?
So the dog goes, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
And then the guy goes, oh, I noticed you have nine words.
Do you want to put an extra woof like it's for free?
And then the dog goes, no, that wouldn't make any sense.
I was at a party with a friend until I noticed you first.
And you returned my gaze, knew how to crush my thirst.
You took me to that room like a dream come true.
The dance you performed was just for me and you.
Kisses on the neck, then you work your way down.
Let yourself go for me all around town.
Seductively stood before me.
That, it's kind of, it is kind of gross, you know, if you're not into it.
Because it's like, like, why not jerk your dog off?
You know, your dog probably likes it.
Because it's gross.
He's a weird one, man.
How many people, though, seriously?
No, I agree with you, it's gross.
Michigan man Curtis Peterson received a 15-year prison sentence for having sex
with his pet pit bull.
What's that, Lassie?
Woof, woof.
Grandpa got stuck in a well.
Woof, woof.
Oh, you got raped.
Do you think that happens a lot?
Like, lonely people and their dogs?
Jerking out their dogs?
Oh, yeah.
Every time I see a woman walking down the street with a real big dog, I'm like,
oh, they're going out.
Women?
Women.
But they don't even like fucking.
They're going out with their dogs.
No, they get their dogs to either go down on them.
You know, Judd Aptow recently, and I'm apologizing to him.
Oh, but his dog is sexy.
Veterinarians in Colorado have reported that marijuana use is on the rise
amongst dogs.
They say you'll know if your dog is too high if it starts making a really tall
sandwich.
They like sweets better when they're high.
Yes, I don't know.
You know, dogs and humans love to run because it apparently gives them a
natural high similar to that of marijuana,
according to the University of Arizona.
Wow.
After running, what are called cannabinoids, the chemical fan of marijuana that
gives you a feeling of euphoria,
are hiring humans and dogs, and this encourages them to run again.
To 7-Eleven for a Slurpee.
A good name for a dog is syndrome.
Then when he tries to attack someone, you can yell, Down syndrome.
It's not, I mean, it's, yeah.
It was a little insensitive, I guess.
To stop a pit bull attacking her daughter, a Texas man bit the dog.
Well, that's an interesting story.
A man bites a dog is not what I would call news.
Man bites dog?
Yeah.
It used to be dog bites man.
Yeah.
Is that the joke?
Yeah.
I don't get this.
I don't get it.
Do you, do you write these for real?
Sure, junkyard dogs are mean, but the meanest dogs are generally found guarding
concentration camps.
And it says here, there's a note.
Early versions of the Jim Croce's 1973 smash hit, Big Bad Leroy Brown.
Do you remember that song?
Tell the people what, tell the people the best.
No, do you know what you just said?
It included.
Do you have any idea what you just read?
This says.
No, did you have any idea what you just read?
That junkyard dogs.
It was an anti-Semitic joke about the concentration camps.
No, no, no, no.
Not anti-Semitic at all.
Oh, it's Semitic?
No.
Well, you know, I know what the problem is.
Did you write it?
I didn't write that.
Who wrote it?
They used the meanest dogs.
I don't know who wrote it, but I think the problem is, is that some people
might not know what the concentration camps are.
Oh, concentration camps were found in Poland.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck almighty.
Oh, my Christ almighty.
Concentration camps.
Please get my nurse.
I swear to God, get her in here right now.
I'm trying to explain to the folks.
You know what?
This is your first show, and these are the.
Well, I don't want to bring up the systemic, you know, extermination attempt.
Against the Jewelry of Europe, but this says on this piece of paper that bad,
bad Leroy Brown initially included the line meaner than a concentration camp
dog, but Croce decided it was unpleasant to the ear.
And it was also offensive to Jews, gypsies, and homosexuals.
Little did it matter.
Croce would be dead with it.