Name: Have You Ever Been with a Porno Girl?
Uploaded: 2022-09-29T22:43:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Have You Ever Been with a Porno Girl?' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Have You Ever Been with a Porno Girl?' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-09-29. Transcript available.

Have you ever been with a porno girl?
Yes.
A professional pornography person?
Several times, yes.
Oh, several times.
And how does that...
See, that would intimidate me because I would think...
You know how when you're in bed sometimes and you're like,
ah, you're doing something that you think you invented?
Have you ever done that?
I did invent them!
I'm still thinking that.
I believe it.
Because oftentimes it might have just been the pornographer's girl's husband
that actually invented it.
Well, I don't know that the husbands, the spouses of people in pornography
are sexual pioneers.
I imagine that they are like shuffling little eunuchs in the sex world.
They've married a person who's working in pornography.
If you're prepared to make that Faustian pact,
where are you psychologically?
Yeah, well, you'd go out with them.
This is a casual interchange.
That's not like, you know, I'm making more of a commitment to you by sitting
here.
Do you know what I mean?
But is it a challenge too?
Yes, but for me, look, what you've got to think of,
don't see sex as some treacherous, deceitful, grubby little act.
It can be that.
But see it instead.
I see it as a beautiful confluence.
And then women in pornography,
if you treat them very, very, very lovingly
and graciously, it awakens within them.
In addition to their skill and their willingness to experiment,
there's an incredible, I don't know, joie de vivre,
an incredible libido in its literal sense,
life force that you can be accessed.
I don't think being intimidated sexually,
unless it's by some sort of a strata of being you don't typically want to have
sex with,
like a cow or a camel or, in my case, a man.
Yes.
That would be intimidating for me.
I don't know how all of the orifices work.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it's exactly the same.
With a camel.
Yeah.
Well, I'm an old chug of coal.
I'm near 50.
Uh-huh.
I'm on the same Viagra doses that they give to the donkey
of the second show in Tijuana.
That's what my doctor told me.
I envy you because you have, obviously,
you're a more enlightened person.
See, I think of sex as a shameful, filthy act.
Catholic, are you?
No.
Where have you picked this up?
I grew up that way.
And the farm, watching animals doing it in rural Canada.
Sal.
Being ransacked against some timber.
Sal.
Sal.
A sal.
Sal.
They, listen.
You were pig farmers.
They're not gracious creatures when it comes to conjugal matters.
I recently had an interaction.
Worst oral sex you could imagine.
Corrible gums.
Yeah.
Sort of yellowing molars.
I would never engage in sex with anything porcine.
I see you once.
I went around a friend's house.
They had a pig.
They thought it was an angle.
Yeah.
I go, it's like, they go, oh, the pig's coming out.
And I could hear it.
These sort of desperate, respiratory announcements preceded its arrival.
It come out, blind it was, shuffled out at me.
And they went, with a pig, and you'll know this being from the world of farming,
never,
they said, never take a step back once that pig comes out.
Otherwise, the pig owns the hierarchical status between the two of you.
Oh, yeah.
In fact, take a step towards the pig.
Never did I deny my nature more, I'm a vegetarian, than stepping towards this
unholy looking creature.
I did it anyway.
It is an unholy creature, for God's sake.
Jesus threw the demons in them and let them go over the cliff.
I once saw a video, and I don't search out these videos, but you know when guys
show them to you?
They go, you'll want to see this, and you're like, ah, Jesus.
And then there's no one seeing it, you know.
But it was a pig having sex with a lady.
They have prehensile penises, they're like corkscrews, it's like their penis is
its own independent entity,
trying to get away from the pig, which all of us are going to identify with, ghastly
little creature.
But I felt sorry for the pig, because here's the pig having sex with a
beautiful woman,
and they throw them back in the sty, you know.
You know what I'm saying?
It's like a cruel thing to do, it's like the midpoint of trading places.
It's a very unfair thing to do that.
Do you actually think that they would like a man's sperm?
A human being's sperm, a woman?
Who?
A woman.
A woman would like a man's sperm?
Well, yeah, she's been biologically programmed for millennia.
Not necessarily through her mouth, but I think there's a point where a little
bit of deviation
from the linear realms of sex is okay, mate.
But when you sort of take a big radical turn...
But in your mouth!
Like, isn't that stuff like living?
Isn't that like those animals, little tiny tadpoles or something?
I didn't know that it was going to have to get this deep.
All right, then.
Yeah, they're like little tadpoles.
But like, you know, the cells in the woman's mouth, the woman's basically the
same genetic material as us anyway.
I mean, it's only a confluence, you know, an interaction of mammalian material.
Now you could argue, well, so is it with the pig.
But there's an important one or two percent of genetic difference that I think
has to be observed in conjugal matters between species.
That's my position.
I agree with you completely.
But a human being, I think...
I agree with you completely.
I agree with you.
I agree with you.
I agree with you.
Well, I agree with you.
I agree with you.
I agree with you.
I agree with you.
You've been away so long, and I need you now more than forever.
What do you think is wrong, wrong-er?
Wrong.
More wrong.
What do you think is more wrong?
Having sex with a child, a human being, or an adult pig?
Like, you've got to do one.
That's the option.
You've got to do one, yeah.
You're on a deserted island.
It's not me.
It's some hypothetical person.
You're on a deserted island with a single tree.
It's not me.
It's this person called Doug.
Yeah, exactly.
Doug is on this island.
Doug is on this island.
Do it with...
Look, I won't have sex with a child because I think it...
I think the pig may not be as bothered as a child.
I think it could have huge psychological impact on the child.
So out of compassion, I would advise Doug to do it with the pig
and to leave the child alone because of the potential psychological impact.
Even though the child's on a bloody island anyway,
that's going to mess him up, all that Robinson Crusoe crap.
How old are you?
Well, older than me, that's non-sequentus.
What kind of erection do you have?
Hold on a second.
Mine's marvelous.
But let's say it.
Because mine is bendy.
This is my problem.
Everything's going well with the lady.
Yes.
You've got erection.
And I have my...
That's my erection.
Gorgeous.
Straight.
A little bit of a swan turn towards the back,
which helps with the G-spot.
That I can...
So I can manage that using...
G-spot?
You can actually find that?
Mate, what are you doing in that bedroom?
What are you getting up to?
I can't...
The clitoris, the G-spot?
I couldn't even find a guy's balls if I had to.
Well, you won't need to do that, mate.
You're not determined to on accounts of your predilections,
but you've got to know where they...
how their equipment works.
Yeah, I just guess.
I can help you out.
How would you do that?
I'll just give you some basic techniques, some basics, right?
And I get the mood going.
The mood's going.
I get...
I have four covers and a big quilt.
And then...
Well, I'm getting hard.
I turn...
With your big Snoopy bed.
I don't have a Snoopy bed.
Four covers and a quilt?
No, I have one of those beds that go...
Like, it's actually sexy.
It moves up and down.
Like the Walton's house.
Then I get the mood.
Who wrote your house?
John Steinbeck.
Then I get the mood going.
I turn down the lights till it's stygian black.
And then I climb underneath the covers.
I lay on top of the lady for four or five minutes.
And she doesn't seem to enjoy it.
No, it sounds like an assault.
But one time I tried this animalistic approach.
Where you know the lady is on her hands and knees.
You know that?
Yeah.
That position?
I do know it.
Yeah.
Named after a dog.
Rather reductive.
A what?
It's reductive.
Yes.
Because anything's got four legs.
Yes, exactly.
Couldn't it?
Exactly.
Anyways, I go to put my cock in and...
It's delightful.
It starts bending.
It's like...
Which direction?
Well, I have a kind of long cock.
Congratulations.
But it's not thick.
Turns out they only enjoy thick ones.
But so it goes like this.
Then it bends.
Just like a pencil.
It's like a medical exam.
Have you seen like a...
Well, you know when an inch worm...
It's more than an inch.
But you know when a 12 and a half inch worm goes like...
I don't know this creature, Norm.
Because your erection is banging on your belly every morning.
Whereas when you reach my age, I'm an old chunk of coal.
I'm 49.
I'm damn near 50.
I've seen more sunsets than I'm going to see.
Let's be honest.