Name: Theo Von & Jay Mohr Exchanged Norm Macdonald Stories
Uploaded: 2022-10-24T22:12:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Jay Mohr Exchanged Norm Macdonald Stories' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Theo Von & Jay Mohr Exchanged Norm Macdonald Stories' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2022-10-24. Transcript available.

I don't know if you know this because you've only on the app you know you've
only seen my face
but yeah I don't want you to be surprised or shocked or set back or put off
because when
you see all of me I'm a big fat fuck you know I'm just I could put my hands in
my pockets when I'm
naked I'm a big gal I'm a big gal you know I'm chafed I don't know man dude
Norm I've been on Norm
in a long time where have you been Norm what's been going on man well I've been
on these dating apps
you know how about that uh that bumble yeah that's good because that one scrolls
up and down not left
and right yeah so if you want any information on the lady I have to go down to
the bottom you know
and then way at the bottom it says she lives in St. Louis all right what am I
gonna do
yeah St. Louis what am I a Cardinals fan what the H yeah
what am I fucking gonna take her out for a bush beer I can go down a rabbit
hole
sometimes I just can't stop doing that and Norm uh some people are saying you're
still living with
your mother is that true no no no that's crazy talk you know yeah I may drive
around
acutis Louisiana naked just because I like that gal that cuts her kids hair on
the lawn you know yeah
neighborly yeah Toby's back yeah I like these girls on the apps that go long-term
relationship only yeah
I don't believe that's true nobody uh Theo uh walks onto a car a lot unless
they want to buy a cock
have you been with some pretty bigger gals Norm
you seem like a guy that knows his way around a uh you know a real uh uh a two-bedroom
lady you know
yeah it's funny bring that up two bed oh my god I don't think I'm making fun of
him oh dude
everybody's making fun of Norm why he's the best no he's the best I am hold on
I am not making fun of Norm
just oh I don't think you're making no I know you um Artie Lang told me they
were doing San Francisco
together and Artie Lang was open for Norm they're in San Francisco and uh right
before Artie goes on
he goes hey Artie no no uh don't do any of that fag stuff you know don't don't
do any don't do any
of that fag stuff out there San Francisco you can't go out there and do
homosexual jokes you know and
he's like all right I like I like to he goes yeah you can't you can't do any of
that gay fag stuff
you it's not gonna fly here you know you have to have respect for where you are
yeah so he goes
out this 20 minutes Norm comes out his first joke hey how many fags here have
aids
they say aids does not discriminate but only gay guys have it that's kind of
discriminatory you know
and I think not discriminating is supposed to be a good thing
something like that but she goes right on stage hey how many fags here have
eight oh man that's good
hey don't do any of that gay stuff okay already you have to be quiet yeah and
we did about seven
cities so we came to San Francisco and I had only done a club here and norm
says comes up to me and
this was good norm just love torturing people and he does it in the most
brilliant way he comes up
and he goes listen man we're in San Francisco no gay shit and I go uh all right
well if I said I've
played San Francisco because nah that's like you're at a club there's a theater
man there's critics out
there don't me man no gay shit and I go all right that's fine so I go out 20
minutes and
no I have four seconds at that point in my life without gays so I get through
the 20 minutes
I introduce norm norm walks out and I'm listening from the back before he says
good to be here
you're a great crowd nice to be the first thing that comes out of his mouth hey
how about that aids
he goes you know I read all this bad about aids but then I read that aids doesn't
discriminate
and that that's kind of nice and then like 10 seconds goes by and this is what
you hear him
say where are you going oh god what a puppeteer man what a puppeteer I love him
yeah I'd love to
be in his head for a minute and he reminds me of like a midwest and of like a
you know of like just
a he reminds me of like so many characters that you just don't see anymore you
know yeah I mean you and
you never have seen a guy like that yeah like it's always been off the beaten
path yes like guys like
norm guys like colin quinn guys like um like richard lewis think of how much
they had to bomb
before they found a theater of people that came to see them regularly that
mastered that because it's
such a finite frequency
what is your favorite norm mcdonald's story i have a feeling i know what you're
gonna say but who cares
tell the story anyways we all love it it's the best story ever i don't know
what story he's talking
about that he thinks he knows i'm gonna tell it was my favorite norm mcdonald's
story i don't know
either i was at uh california pizza man yeah how'd you like to be at home you
know yeah yeah a bunch
of kids yeah big fat wife big fat fuck you know giving you an ear beating
beautiful big guy you know i'll
take care of everything i'll take care of everything i'm gonna order a pizza
yeah that'll make everybody
happy yeah and that guy's asking questions on the theo vaughn podcast and his
pie's seven minutes late
meanwhile that guy's wife digests him you can't give a
i can go insane you know it's so good though my favorite thank you my favorite
norm mcdonald's story
is probably when you guys don't know it's in my book is when he would oh i okay
greatest i know i
think i know what he's talking about wow what was the kid's name oh antioch
pizza man anti uh
ryan louderback ryan louderback from the antioch louderbacks you know not to be
confused with the ones in pahrump
i don't know what's going on we were writing a sketch well i was watching other
people write and rewrite a sketch
and there's like 30 writers and the sketch was david spade fred wolf wrote it
for david spade
i'm pretty sure it's fred wolf and it was a weight loss supplement but it was
just pcp and crack oh
yeah you put in a milkshake and you smoke it and you just go about your day and
then like you know
when they show like a fat person becoming a skinny person it says like you know
16 weeks it's like
six hours and david spade's like i'm gonna help you lose weight you're like
ride the snake
you gotta ride the snake don't let the snake ride you and then they just have
all these people like
shrinking into like skeleton bodies and because they're just it's just all
drugs yeah that's
that's drug related they say drug related and they have farley a pre-filmed
piece of farley
at a drive-thru window that they're going to cut to in the in the um in the
sketch and farley pulls
up to a drive-thru window and he goes i'll have he's one of the people that are
just started he goes
he goes i'll have can i take your order he goes yes i'll have 14 cheeseburgers
14 hamburgers four vanilla
milkshakes six strawberry milkshakes three chocolate milkshakes six apple pies
and it just goes on and
on and on and the rewrite it was like from one in the morning till three in the
morning i'm not kidding
it was two hours guys from harvard brown yale arguing over what oh because the
guy goes will there be
anything else and what he says next for two hours they're like how about he
repeats the exact same
order again yeah how about he says all that and goes a diet coke how many says
all that and goes make
that nine apple pies when i say two hours deal i'm not kidding from 1 a.m to 3
a.m and what we didn't
know was norm was sitting on a couch at the other end of the rioters room and
it's just going around and
it's chaos i could totally imagine that too but it's like people justify their
jobs this huge order
anything else uh and he goes yeah because he was like yeah anything else yes
and then what comes
after he says yes that's the whole crux of the argument and norm goes we know
he's in the room he goes
hey you guys we're all jumping hey you guys uh got chris going give me all that
food like 14 of those
things and 25 apple pies you know and uh the guy in the box goes uh hey will
that be all why doesn't
chris go yes it's the greatest rewrite in the history of comedy yeah we had him
go like will that be all
no i also want and norm's thing was like he had pride like he had control after
all that food
all right he goes yes one syllable one syllable we were on the ground rolling
laughing and then when
they filmed it he's like i'll take 14 cheeseburgers and um 44 fries and this
and 22 cheese milkshakes
and this and the outline the guy goes will that be all and probably goes yes
like he's proud of himself
it was it was amazing it was white hot um one thing that's funny uh oh here he
said asked me to write
dirty work too so i worked all day yesterday and finished it this is norm mcdonald
on twitter just
yesterday uh he's working on dirty work too first of all it's got to be a
parody tweet because it's a 500
page manuscript scripts are usually about 106 pages what's the instagram little
thing i think he's
actually got some pages out wait wait what did he cross out before he wrote
norm written by me
oh okay he says no one he's a dirty work too no i'm done pranking now i'm
married to a beautiful
scientist oh brad pitt's in it too she's rich and she has a beautiful face and
we have a cat named kitty
and we love kitty like a child because well marge cannot have children because
the chemicals in her lab
have rendered her barren
well i gotta go home and read that do you think one of the reasons that um what
did norm do after snl
did he just tour he had a sports show on comedy central briefly people love him
it was so much i'm
one of those people i'm powerless he makes me laugh so hard yeah dude he just
made me laugh through you
so hard that yes was probably the most i've laughed in months man that's that's
in my book the gasping
for airtime book it was like it was a one syllable yeah that was yes like we'd
argue over what the
name of high school it's like opening opening shot of jefferson high too urban
it high school high
don't don't be too jokey yeah don't tip it this like all these things you don't
even know what it
means it's just name in high school david spade the other day um was yeah funny
guy man he was telling
me a norm mcdonald's story where they all went on a plane to do a show
somewhere together and he just
said one of the ways that norm makes you laugh he'll be like what what is this
and it's just a
like a door you know and they're like oh or like a cherry like well david david
what is this you just
you sit down it's what the h yeah what is this little ledge here you he's like
it's a chair norm it's
a chair what are you doing there's there's three of them right here and it's
just what if i'm not
sitting down it stays here but he he and he went on like this five minute monologue
of norm mcdonald
asking him what a bathroom door was and it was one of the funniest things i'd
ever heard it was just
yeah he just says i don't know if it's his voice or what it is about norm mcdonald
that
just makes i mean i don't know it's just there's nobody like only thing making
that sound right it's
a dog whistle it's the it's the only you can only get norm mcdonald with norm mcdonald
it's the only
sentient being that emits that transmission gang yeah like we all got like all
these influences going
through us at different times and regional accents and dialects he's just norm
yeah
and now if i got like norm walked into a place to get work i'd be like oh nah
man yeah it's just so uh
they've missed a lot of norms i feel like i feel like there's been a lot of
norms over the years they might