Name: Norm Macdonald The Asexual
Uploaded: 2023-01-06T05:34:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald The Asexual' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald The Asexual' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-01-06. Transcript available.

You said you'd rather, um, you'd rather, uh, play Frogger than have sex.
Oh yeah, well you have to know Frogger, you know, it's a game, it's an arcade
game where a little frog has to go across the river.
Yeah.
And they have like, um, uh, little logs that he has to, and sometimes the logs
a crocodile tries to eat them.
You're like totally into that?
Yeah, well I like a lot of things better than sad, I don't care for sex then.
See, that's the thing with me too, because I'm totally bored, I don't have any,
what's the matter?
Yeah, it hasn't like, uh, gotten better over the centuries, you know, it's
always the same thing.
It's very, like, I had sex when I was a young man, and then I had it for a
while, and then I realized it's kind of, uh, it's always the same thing, you
know?
There's only a few things you can do, you can go like this, and then over, you
know what I mean?
You go, ah, I'll do this for a while, and then...
Do you think that we're being drugged by the government to lose interest in sex?
Oh no, I just think it's a, it's a thing that, uh, like, you know when people
go, hey, you know, that guy's a good, he's good in bed, you know?
And to me, like, how hard is it?
You know?
It's not like, if you're good in badminton or something, you know?
Well, that's a hard thing, badminton, you gotta, and frogger, you know?
But, uh, sex, you can figure it out in, like, ten minutes, you know?
Yeah, and, like, like, goats do it and stuff.
You know, like, goats and pigs and stuff all do it, so how special can it be?
Exactly, show me a goat that can get past the third level of frogger.
That's right, Norm, that's right.
Will you bring a girl home or a friend over and there's no place for, what?
I don't, I don't have sex with girls or men.
Wait a minute, Norm MacDonald, Norm, you're a sexy dude.
Yeah, but I don't have...
And you never, you never go out trolling or no girl.
Well, you have a kid.
Well, you have a virgin, you've got a kid.
No, I...
When's the last time you had sex?
Probably ten years ago.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Yeah, I have sex, I have, I have sex, like, by masturbating.
Yes.
Yeah, but I find sex very repetitive and dull and kind of pointless.
You're kidding, this is a bit.
No, it's not.
Norm MacDonald!
I had a lot of sex when I was a young man, when I was young, when I was 19 or
20, I had
a lot of sex, and it's just the same thing over and over.
Right, it feels really good, so start from the beginning and do it again.
I mean, why wouldn't I...
Is it too much work doing with a chick?
Eating ice cream is really good, too, until you're tired of it, you know?
And the next day, you try a different flavor.
There's thousands of flavors of ice cream.
But not of women.
Do you go to hookers ever?
No, I've never been to a process.
This attitude you have could be said for anything, though.
I know.
For anything.
Anything you do more than once.
Yeah, well, I don't do very much.
You just don't like people, in general.
Yeah, you hate people.
Or you hate women.
Oh, no, I'm fascinated by people and by women.
I'm just saying, I don't need to...
But don't chicks throw themselves...
I would think that after a show, you're hilarious, and some chicks are like,
listen, I've always
been fascinated.
Well, I'll tell you the truth, I find sex to be a very filthy act.
Are you a germaphobe?
No, I don't mean filthy.
I mean filthy in the sense of shameful.
Really?
Were you raised Catholic?
No.
He's doing a bit.
No, I'm not doing a bit.
I find it really hard to believe you haven't had sex in 10 years.
I think, no, no, I think that sex is shameful, and that people have sex knowing
that it's
shameful, and again, it's like death, they just live in this fool's paradise
where they
pretend it's not.
I mean, obviously, people don't have sex in public, so there must be some shame
to it.
Some people do.
But it's...
Well, it's because you don't want to be caught in that compromise, you know,
you're not exactly
at your most attractive when you're having sex.
There's all these contortions.
Well, there's social norms, and you don't go to the bathroom in public either,
but I'm
not ashamed of that.
Exactly.
What?
I'm not ashamed of going to the bathroom.
It's part of taking in to stay alive.
You have to evacuate.
That's not...
I'm not ashamed of that.
That just comes with the territory.
Of course, and you have to ejaculate, too.
But I evacuate and ejaculate in private.
I don't evacuate in front of another person.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
So you're not ashamed of it.
You do it in order...
I am ashamed of it.
But he is ashamed of it.
That's what he's saying.
That's why I do it alone.
Do you evacuate in front of people?
No, but I'm saying I'm not ashamed.
I'm just...
It's just not polite.
It's not a social...
Because it's something that you share with somebody else.
I mean, are you...
Is it a fear of intimacy?
Just do not let anybody too close?
No, no.
I'm not afraid for them.
You find me going crazy.
Crazy, yeah.
You find me going crazy.
You find me going crazy, yeah.
Now, what was this thing they did on Extra about you and Elle McPherson?
You guys had an affair or something?
No, no.
That was all nonsense.
Was it?
Yes, because she was a married man.
She came to the show, and she's very flirtatious to everybody.
Right.
So then somebody started this crazy idea that...
And she's very bright, so you get attracted to a very smart woman who's good-looking,
right?
She's bright?
I'm just kidding.
No, right.
So you're saying that Elle McPherson was on the show as a guest.
She's a gorgeous woman.
She's beautiful.
Well, yeah, I guess.
But I don't have, like...
I'm not like you.
I don't have, like, a real high sex drive.
Right.
You don't, really?
No, not at all.
Well, that's something to advertise.
Yeah.
So, like, she was flirtatious, and were you, like, sort of being flirtatious
with her?
You had to be attracted to her.
No, I wasn't attracted to...
At all.
I'm not attracted to, like, uh...
Girls?
Girls that much.
I used to be when I was young.
And you're not gay?
Maybe those paint pellets were telling you something, pal.
I'm not telling you right now.
No, when I was young, I used to be.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, you're still a young guy.
So you do have sex with your wife, don't you?
Yeah, I have sex with my wife, yeah.
How often?
Like once a week?
Well, the thing is, like, with my wife, we have sex because we know exactly
what to do
with each other.
Right.
But if I was with somebody else, you know...
I don't believe this for a minute.
You'd have to get out of manuals.
No, I'm serious.
I've never met a guy who said this.
But how often do you have sex with your wife?
I've never met a guy who says, your sex life doesn't...
Your sex drive doesn't...
You don't have a low sex drive.
Yeah.
There's just no way.
Does he masturbate?
Do you masturbate?
Oh, yeah.
You do?
So then you have a high sex drive.
For myself.
No, no, no.
I swear to God.
So when Elle McPherson is running around in a little short skirt and she's
looking gorgeous,
don't tell me you're not thinking about doing her.
And don't...
I mean, you are.
No, I swear to God, I'm not.
Really?
No, I've been to the doctor about this.
Really?
You've gone to a psychiatrist?
No, no, a physical doctor.
Because you're saying, hey, I don't get aroused that much.
A urologist, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, but wait a minute.
Mentally, you get aroused, right?
Wait a minute.
Is he having trouble?
Are you having trouble getting aroused?
I'm telling you, you're gay.
No, no, no, no.
Wait a second.
You're telling me.
No, I can masturbate as much as anybody.
Okay.
No, not as much as me.
Believe me.
Don't take that challenge.
He has more free time, I bet.
Wait, Norm.
I don't understand something.
Right.
You went to a doctor.
You said, hey, I was with me, I'm around Elle McPherson, and I'm not getting aroused.
No, I didn't mention that.
I mean, yeah, but you start to get concerned that, hey, why am I not getting aroused
around
these beautiful women?
Yeah, because I used to always get aroused all the time, no matter what.
Like, I could see a giant fat woman, like part of her ass.
Right, and you get excited by that.
Are you on medication of any kind?
No, no, I just, now I'm just...
Do you need that testosterone patch or something?
Yeah.
What's that?
It makes you more masculine.
You know what I mean?
But then your hair falls out.
Yeah, you've got to be careful about that.
Wait, wait, explain something to me.
What's that?
Are you putting me on or are you being serious?
No, I'm serious.
You're being serious.
It's hard to tell him.
You're saying, no, I think he's a straight-ahead kind of guy.
No, I'm serious.
You know, I've only met Norm once, but...
I would love to talk to the doctor.
Right.
Well, actually, I've met you twice.
I met you backstage at Letterman, too.
So, you're telling me, let me get this straight.
Yeah.
You got concerned because you were around a lot of beautiful women, and
suddenly you weren't
getting as many erections as you used to.
Right.
You go to the doctor.
He checks out your weenie.
Oh, he first checked out my prostate.
Right.
And was anything wrong?
Was anything wrong?
Yeah, the check.
The wrong thing, yeah.
Yeah, no, really.
There was nothing wrong.
No, nothing.
He said, like, can you masturbate?
Same thing we asked.
Yeah.
So, I go, yeah, sure.
I like doing that.
Right.
So, and your wife, and you have sex, what, once a week?
I have sex.
Wait a minute.
So, Norm, what do you think about?
What?
When you're masturbating.
What do you think about?
Well, you know, like, uh...
Fat woman's ass?
No, she's got harder.
Like, who do you think?
Did you ever think about Elle McPherson?
No, no, no.
Oh, I don't believe that.
Who do you think about?
I don't think about...
Girls you just met.
I'll tell you something.
I can't think about, like, girls that I don't think I could have sex with,
because I don't
have that good an imagination.
Right.
It's got to be someone you think you can get.
Right.
That's how I am.
Right.
And so, sometimes I think of, like, kind of unattractive girls where I'm...
Right, right.
When you're doing stuff.
Right.
Yeah.
I do that, too, though.
Yeah.
Like, sometimes, like, one of the interns here or something I'll think about,
because I
think that, like, I could definitely get her.
You ever think about Rosie O'Donnell?
Oh, good Lord.
No.
No way, right?
Name some names.
Yeah, name some names of who you think about.
Give us an example.
You know how Rosie O'Donnell would be good at giving?
What?
Really wide head.
Oh, that's funny.
Does Rosie O'Donnell have the biggest head on the planet?
Yeah.
She really does.
How much is her head weight?
Do you take a guess?
About her head weight?
Yeah.
Oh, well, that age-old argument, I'm not going to get into that.
You're not even going to get into it.
I see.
I see.
And she's on the new $100 bill.
Did you see her picture?
It's pretty wild.
Wait a second.
Now, this is fascinating, because I don't know that much about you.
Who does he think about?
That's what I'm going to do.
See, I'm old.
You know, I'm, like, 33 years old.
Oh, that's real old.
Oh, I'm 42, dude.
Yeah, well, I mean, um, um...
Gee, I didn't know you were...
That's young.
But it's still fun, you know.
I like having sex with my wife.
Man, 33.
How many times do we do have sex with your wife?
Be honest.
My wife's very beautiful.
Is she?
Yeah.
How did you get her before you were famous?
Was it a difficult thing?
Oh, you know, I don't know.
I was just a nice guy.
Are you really charming?
No.
Because you're a good-looking guy.
I'm not charming, but I'm just, you know, I don't know what I'm doing.
All right.
And then she didn't know what she was doing, so, you know, we just...
You got married, like most people.
And you got married, and she's good-looking.
Yeah.
She's got a nice body and everything.
Yeah, she's very pretty.
And so what do you get her, like two times a week?
What's that?
What do you get her, two times a week?
Get her?
Yeah, get her.
Come on, man.
You're not that old.
You don't know what that means.
Two times a week's a little much.
That's a lot.
You're like me.
And it happens once a week.
So I'm laying in bed with my wife yesterday, and I said to her, you know, let's
have some sex.
She said, Saturday night, I'll come visit you at the movie, and we'll have sex
there.
Really?
Yeah.
She's waiting to come visit you?
It's Saturday night.
Saturday night is when I get sex.
Then I watch you.
That's like Archie Bunker or something.
I usually get it at 11 o'clock, and by 11.30, we're all cleaned up.
We're laying in bed, and we'll watch this Saturday night live.
That's it.
Yeah.
So you have, like, specific days.
Yeah.
Now, that's kind of sad.
Oh, so you do it spontaneously.
Spontaneously.
You do it every third year.
Right.
So you might actually, you don't know when it's going to happen.
Boy, that's exciting.
It could happen any time.
Yeah.
Wait another couple of years.
You'll be down to a Saturday night.
Does your wife at least let you go everywhere and you're by yourself, or do you
have to accompany
her everywhere?
Like, after the show, when you go to this diner, do you have to go with your
wife, or do you
go by yourself?
My wife lives in Los Angeles.
Oh, she does?
Yeah.
Oh, that's a great marriage.
Yeah.
Well, I go back to Los Angeles.
I'm only here, like, when I do the show.
Oh, really?
But don't you have to be here to write and stuff?
Yeah, but that's only 20 weeks a year, and then the rest of the time I'm with
my wife
and kid.
Oh, that's cool.
Yeah, that's great.
Well, so you get a nice little break.
So you were here alone, and Elle McPherson's coming on to you, and you had a
little affair
with her.
Good Lord, no.
I don't know, man.
No, no, no, no.
You know, he's setting himself up as a challenge, saying it's hard to get him
aroused.
Do you hope each week for an ugly female co-host on Saturday Night Live so that
you
don't have to fall in love with her?
Oh, man.
What a love.

Norm Macdonald The Asexual

You said you'd rather, um, you'd rather, uh, play Frogger than have sex.
Oh yeah, well you have to know Frogger, you know, it's a game, it's an arcade
game where a little frog has to go across the river.
Yeah.
And they have like, um, uh, little logs that he has to, and sometimes the logs
a crocodile tries to eat them.
You're like totally into that?
Yeah, well I like a lot of things better than sad, I don't care for sex then.
See, that's the thing with me too, because I'm totally bored, I don't have any,
what's the matter?
Yeah, it hasn't like, uh, gotten better over the centuries, you know, it's
always the same thing.
It's very, like, I had sex when I was a young man, and then I had it for a
while, and then I realized it's kind of, uh, it's always the same thing, you
know?
There's only a few things you can do, you can go like this, and then over, you
know what I mean?
You go, ah, I'll do this for a while, and then...
Do you think that we're being drugged by the government to lose interest in sex?
Oh no, I just think it's a, it's a thing that, uh, like, you know when people
go, hey, you know, that guy's a good, he's good in bed, you know?
And to me, like, how hard is it?
You know?
It's not like, if you're good in badminton or something, you know?
Well, that's a hard thing, badminton, you gotta, and frogger, you know?
But, uh, sex, you can figure it out in, like, ten minutes, you know?
Yeah, and, like, like, goats do it and stuff.
You know, like, goats and pigs and stuff all do it, so how special can it be?
Exactly, show me a goat that can get past the third level of frogger.
That's right, Norm, that's right.
Will you bring a girl home or a friend over and there's no place for, what?
I don't, I don't have sex with girls or men.
Wait a minute, Norm MacDonald, Norm, you're a sexy dude.
Yeah, but I don't have...
And you never, you never go out trolling or no girl.
Well, you have a kid.
Well, you have a virgin, you've got a kid.
No, I...
When's the last time you had sex?
Probably ten years ago.
Shut up!
Shut up!
Yeah, I have sex, I have, I have sex, like, by masturbating.
Yes.
Yeah, but I find sex very repetitive and dull and kind of pointless.
You're kidding, this is a bit.
No, it's not.
Norm MacDonald!
I had a lot of sex when I was a young man, when I was young, when I was 19 or
20, I had
a lot of sex, and it's just the same thing over and over.
Right, it feels really good, so start from the beginning and do it again.
I mean, why wouldn't I...
Is it too much work doing with a chick?
Eating ice cream is really good, too, until you're tired of it, you know?
And the next day, you try a different flavor.
There's thousands of flavors of ice cream.
But not of women.
Do you go to hookers ever?
No, I've never been to a process.
This attitude you have could be said for anything, though.
I know.
For anything.
Anything you do more than once.
Yeah, well, I don't do very much.
You just don't like people, in general.
Yeah, you hate people.
Or you hate women.
Oh, no, I'm fascinated by people and by women.
I'm just saying, I don't need to...
But don't chicks throw themselves...
I would think that after a show, you're hilarious, and some chicks are like,
listen, I've always
been fascinated.
Well, I'll tell you the truth, I find sex to be a very filthy act.
Are you a germaphobe?
No, I don't mean filthy.
I mean filthy in the sense of shameful.
Really?
Were you raised Catholic?
No.
He's doing a bit.
No, I'm not doing a bit.
I find it really hard to believe you haven't had sex in 10 years.
I think, no, no, I think that sex is shameful, and that people have sex knowing
that it's
shameful, and again, it's like death, they just live in this fool's paradise
where they
pretend it's not.
I mean, obviously, people don't have sex in public, so there must be some shame
to it.
Some people do.
But it's...
Well, it's because you don't want to be caught in that compromise, you know,
you're not exactly
at your most attractive when you're having sex.
There's all these contortions.
Well, there's social norms, and you don't go to the bathroom in public either,
but I'm
not ashamed of that.
Exactly.
What?
I'm not ashamed of going to the bathroom.
It's part of taking in to stay alive.
You have to evacuate.
That's not...
I'm not ashamed of that.
That just comes with the territory.
Of course, and you have to ejaculate, too.
But I evacuate and ejaculate in private.
I don't evacuate in front of another person.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
So you're not ashamed of it.
You do it in order...
I am ashamed of it.
But he is ashamed of it.
That's what he's saying.
That's why I do it alone.
Do you evacuate in front of people?
No, but I'm saying I'm not ashamed.
I'm just...
It's just not polite.
It's not a social...
Because it's something that you share with somebody else.
I mean, are you...
Is it a fear of intimacy?
Just do not let anybody too close?
No, no.
I'm not afraid for them.
You find me going crazy.
Crazy, yeah.
You find me going crazy.
You find me going crazy, yeah.
Now, what was this thing they did on Extra about you and Elle McPherson?
You guys had an affair or something?
No, no.
That was all nonsense.
Was it?
Yes, because she was a married man.
She came to the show, and she's very flirtatious to everybody.
Right.
So then somebody started this crazy idea that...
And she's very bright, so you get attracted to a very smart woman who's good-looking,
right?
She's bright?
I'm just kidding.
No, right.
So you're saying that Elle McPherson was on the show as a guest.
She's a gorgeous woman.
She's beautiful.
Well, yeah, I guess.
But I don't have, like...
I'm not like you.
I don't have, like, a real high sex drive.
Right.
You don't, really?
No, not at all.
Well, that's something to advertise.
Yeah.
So, like, she was flirtatious, and were you, like, sort of being flirtatious
with her?
You had to be attracted to her.
No, I wasn't attracted to...
At all.
I'm not attracted to, like, uh...
Girls?
Girls that much.
I used to be when I was young.
And you're not gay?
Maybe those paint pellets were telling you something, pal.
I'm not telling you right now.
No, when I was young, I used to be.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, you're still a young guy.
So you do have sex with your wife, don't you?
Yeah, I have sex with my wife, yeah.
How often?
Like once a week?
Well, the thing is, like, with my wife, we have sex because we know exactly
what to do
with each other.
Right.
But if I was with somebody else, you know...
I don't believe this for a minute.
You'd have to get out of manuals.
No, I'm serious.
I've never met a guy who said this.
But how often do you have sex with your wife?
I've never met a guy who says, your sex life doesn't...
Your sex drive doesn't...
You don't have a low sex drive.
Yeah.
There's just no way.
Does he masturbate?
Do you masturbate?
Oh, yeah.
You do?
So then you have a high sex drive.
For myself.
No, no, no.
I swear to God.
So when Elle McPherson is running around in a little short skirt and she's
looking gorgeous,
don't tell me you're not thinking about doing her.
And don't...
I mean, you are.
No, I swear to God, I'm not.
Really?
No, I've been to the doctor about this.
Really?
You've gone to a psychiatrist?
No, no, a physical doctor.
Because you're saying, hey, I don't get aroused that much.
A urologist, yeah.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, but wait a minute.
Mentally, you get aroused, right?
Wait a minute.
Is he having trouble?
Are you having trouble getting aroused?
I'm telling you, you're gay.
No, no, no, no.
Wait a second.
You're telling me.
No, I can masturbate as much as anybody.
Okay.
No, not as much as me.
Believe me.
Don't take that challenge.
He has more free time, I bet.
Wait, Norm.
I don't understand something.
Right.
You went to a doctor.
You said, hey, I was with me, I'm around Elle McPherson, and I'm not getting aroused.
No, I didn't mention that.
I mean, yeah, but you start to get concerned that, hey, why am I not getting aroused
around
these beautiful women?
Yeah, because I used to always get aroused all the time, no matter what.
Like, I could see a giant fat woman, like part of her ass.
Right, and you get excited by that.
Are you on medication of any kind?
No, no, I just, now I'm just...
Do you need that testosterone patch or something?
Yeah.
What's that?
It makes you more masculine.
You know what I mean?
But then your hair falls out.
Yeah, you've got to be careful about that.
Wait, wait, explain something to me.
What's that?
Are you putting me on or are you being serious?
No, I'm serious.
You're being serious.
It's hard to tell him.
You're saying, no, I think he's a straight-ahead kind of guy.
No, I'm serious.
You know, I've only met Norm once, but...
I would love to talk to the doctor.
Right.
Well, actually, I've met you twice.
I met you backstage at Letterman, too.
So, you're telling me, let me get this straight.
Yeah.
You got concerned because you were around a lot of beautiful women, and
suddenly you weren't
getting as many erections as you used to.
Right.
You go to the doctor.
He checks out your weenie.
Oh, he first checked out my prostate.
Right.
And was anything wrong?
Was anything wrong?
Yeah, the check.
The wrong thing, yeah.
Yeah, no, really.
There was nothing wrong.
No, nothing.
He said, like, can you masturbate?
Same thing we asked.
Yeah.
So, I go, yeah, sure.
I like doing that.
Right.
So, and your wife, and you have sex, what, once a week?
I have sex.
Wait a minute.
So, Norm, what do you think about?
What?
When you're masturbating.
What do you think about?
Well, you know, like, uh...
Fat woman's ass?
No, she's got harder.
Like, who do you think?
Did you ever think about Elle McPherson?
No, no, no.
Oh, I don't believe that.
Who do you think about?
I don't think about...
Girls you just met.
I'll tell you something.
I can't think about, like, girls that I don't think I could have sex with,
because I don't
have that good an imagination.
Right.
It's got to be someone you think you can get.
Right.
That's how I am.
Right.
And so, sometimes I think of, like, kind of unattractive girls where I'm...
Right, right.
When you're doing stuff.
Right.
Yeah.
I do that, too, though.
Yeah.
Like, sometimes, like, one of the interns here or something I'll think about,
because I
think that, like, I could definitely get her.
You ever think about Rosie O'Donnell?
Oh, good Lord.
No.
No way, right?
Name some names.
Yeah, name some names of who you think about.
Give us an example.
You know how Rosie O'Donnell would be good at giving?
What?
Really wide head.
Oh, that's funny.
Does Rosie O'Donnell have the biggest head on the planet?
Yeah.
She really does.
How much is her head weight?
Do you take a guess?
About her head weight?
Yeah.
Oh, well, that age-old argument, I'm not going to get into that.
You're not even going to get into it.
I see.
I see.
And she's on the new $100 bill.
Did you see her picture?
It's pretty wild.
Wait a second.
Now, this is fascinating, because I don't know that much about you.
Who does he think about?
That's what I'm going to do.
See, I'm old.
You know, I'm, like, 33 years old.
Oh, that's real old.
Oh, I'm 42, dude.
Yeah, well, I mean, um, um...
Gee, I didn't know you were...
That's young.
But it's still fun, you know.
I like having sex with my wife.
Man, 33.
How many times do we do have sex with your wife?
Be honest.
My wife's very beautiful.
Is she?
Yeah.
How did you get her before you were famous?
Was it a difficult thing?
Oh, you know, I don't know.
I was just a nice guy.
Are you really charming?
No.
Because you're a good-looking guy.
I'm not charming, but I'm just, you know, I don't know what I'm doing.
All right.
And then she didn't know what she was doing, so, you know, we just...
You got married, like most people.
And you got married, and she's good-looking.
Yeah.
She's got a nice body and everything.
Yeah, she's very pretty.
And so what do you get her, like two times a week?
What's that?
What do you get her, two times a week?
Get her?
Yeah, get her.
Come on, man.
You're not that old.
You don't kn