Name: Norm Macdonald Told Stories About His Uncle and It Keeps Getting Dirtier
Uploaded: 2023-02-27T18:54:58.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Told Stories About His Uncle and It Keeps Getting Dirtier' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald Told Stories About His Uncle and It Keeps Getting Dirtier' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-02-27. Transcript available.

Are you going to have Thanksgiving, though? Thanksgiving's coming up.
Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving. We're going to have a lot of time. We're going to go
see my uncle.
I saw my uncle the other day. Oh, my uncle. He's having troubles, Conan.
Why is he having trouble?
You know my uncle, Basil?
I don't know him, but...
No, but I've talked to him before.
Yeah, you've mentioned him, yeah.
Yeah, he's having troubles. His memory's not too good, you know, and it's not,
thank God, it's not Alzheimer's or anything like that.
But when a guy gets old, he starts forgetting. His memory starts, he doesn't,
you know, remember.
Right.
So I went to him, you know, I went and talked to him, you know, and I said to
him, because I heard he got this new medicine for his memory at the doctor's.
Yeah.
So I said to him, I said, Uncle Basil, I said, how's that memory stuff working
out, the medicine?
He says, it's going good. I said, what's it called, that medicine memory,
memory medicine?
The memory medicine, yeah.
I said, what's it called? What's the name of it?
He goes, oh, the name of it. What is it now? Again, I can't remember now.
He says, what's the name of that flower you give to people?
And I said, I don't know, what, a tulip?
And he said, no, no, no, no, not a tulip. He said, what is it now? It's a kind
of a flower people wear.
I said, is it a carnation? I don't know, Uncle Basil. He says, no, no, what the
hell is it called? It's red.
I said, I don't know, a rose? He said, yes, yes, yes. He said, rose, what's the
name of that medicine hat that the doctor gave me?
Now, listen, we want to talk about your uncle, because every time you come on
the show, you have a story about your uncle who lives up in Canada.
Oh, yeah, he's a Frenchman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you always have, like, a little story about him.
Jean-Luc.
Oh, yeah, he's a crazy character, that dude. He originally visited New York
City.
Hello?
I'm just having a drink. I can listen to you and have a drink. It's not like I
went like this. Hold up.
Ah, liquid. Huh? I'm still here. Let's see if I got this right. You've got an
uncle, lives up in Canada, named Jean-Luc.
Jean-Luc.
Occasionally, he visits. Once, time he visited New York.
So, I'm living in New York, you know. And Jean-Luc, I'm excited. Jean-Luc's
going to come by, my crazy Frenchman uncle.
So, he gets in the cab, right?
When he gets to the airport.
Yeah, when he gets to the airport, the cab driver picks him up, and the cab
driver says to him,
Hey, Frenchman, he says, you know, he says, do you like riddles, you know?
So, my uncle Jean-Luc, he's like, ah, yes, I love the riddles. That's how he
talks.
He goes, I like nothing better than a riddle.
So, the cab, he's like, all right, here's one, right?
So, here's the riddle. He's brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's
father is my father's son.
So, my uncle goes, ah, I don't know.
So, the cab, he goes, it's me. It's me.
Oh, yeah, makes sense.
Oh, he thinks about it. Oh, by God, he says, that's a good riddle there.
He says, I have to tell my wife, Mary Claire, when I get back to Gaspé.
That's where he lives, Gaspé.
Right.
So, he's like, take me back to the airport.
And the cab is like, what?
The cab is like, I thought you wanted to go visit Norm then.
No, no, no.
I have to go back to the airport.
All right, you know, I have to tell Mary Claire.
Seems odd, right?
Gets back on the plane, flies all the way back home there to Gaspé.
And he gets back, right, runs in the door.
Mary Claire, Mary Claire, where are you, Mary Claire?
Come on down here.
I have a riddle for you.
She goes, oh, Jean-Luc, I love the riddle.
She's a woman, high voice.
Michael Jackson was visiting.
Yeah, all right.
So, oh, you're going to love this riddle.
How was New York?
Forget about that.
I got the riddle.
Brothers and sisters, I have none.
But this man's father, he's my father's son.
She goes, oh, I don't know.
Who is it?
Except the cab driver back in New York.
That guy, man, I always tell my uncle, you shouldn't curse him.
Oh, man.
All right.
We're going to pick up the pieces.
So, you got a week off.
Yeah, I got a week off coming up.
After this show, I got a week off, so it's going to be great.
Do you see your family much?
Every break, I like to go back and see my folks, you know,
and also my uncles and aunts and all that, you know.
They're great people.
The old people, you know, what I find about the old people is,
just in general.
In general, they had so much more interesting lives than we do, you know.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, we, you know, we go out our generation.
We go, okay, hey, let's go to a movie,
and then we'll do the laundry and get some quarters for the laundry,
and then we'll have a read the Sports Illustrated, you know, and whatever,
right?
Right, right.
But these guys, they had lives, you know.
You know what I'm saying?
Sure.
Yeah.
So, anyways, for instance, my Uncle Phil.
You ever meet my Uncle Phil?
I didn't meet your Uncle Phil, no.
Oh, you didn't?
He was...
Yeah, we don't know each other that well.
That's true.
Remember?
That's true.
No, I've not met your Uncle Phil.
He's a good man, Uncle Phil.
So, he was telling me, you know,
he's just one of these guys that has so many lives pushed into one.
He just does so many things, you know.
Mm-hmm.
And he was telling me, he says,
he's a kind of a jack of all trades, you'd call him.
Yeah.
That's a good phrase.
Yeah, he's a jack of all trades.
So, he was telling me, he said,
the problem is you're not really appreciated for any single thing
because you're so good at so many things.
You understand what I mean?
I hear you.
Yeah.
So, he says, he said to me one time, he says,
Norm, he says,
we were just walking through his town, you know,
of Monkland, Maine, he lives in.
Uh-huh.
And we were just walking through the town.
He's an old fellow, you know.
Right, one of the old people.
Yeah, he's 80.
Yeah, 80, okay.
80 years young, he says.
Uh-huh.
So, he goes, Norm, you see that barn over there, he says to me.
I look over, there's a barn.
I go, yeah, yeah.
He goes, I built that barn with my own hands, all by myself.
But he goes, do they call me, do they say there's Phil, the barn builder?
No, sir, he says.
I said, yeah, yeah.
He goes, look over there, you see that weather balloon?
Yeah.
He says, I, you don't know this about me, Norm.
He says, I was one of the first men ever to fly in a weather balloon.
Wow.
He says, but do they say, hey, there goes Phil, the weather balloon pioneer?
No.
He says, look over there, there's a bakery that I started, you know?
That dirty bastard Bob has it now, but I'm the guy that started that bakery.
Uh-huh.
And I go, all right, all right, easy.
And he goes, he goes, I started that bakery and I was the best baker, but does
anybody go, oh, there goes Phil, the great baker?
No, he says.
But he says, let me tell you something, Norm.
He says, you have sex with one goat.
And he says, people, then they say, there goes Phil, the dirty goat.
Let me ask you quickly, we haven't talked to you in so long, I want to ask you
about your family.
Ah, my great family.
I love them all.
How's your, we used to talk in the old days, you and I used to, you used to
spend some yarns about Uncle Hector.
How's Uncle Hector?
Oh, Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
He's Polish too, I'm guessing.
No, he wasn't Polish.
Oh, okay.
No, he was from my cousin's side of the family.
And he was, he was, he was a great man, my uncle, you know?
He was an old fella.
He actually rode the rails during the Depression.
Oh.
You know, he was a hobo.
Hobo.
As you might call him.
I don't like that term, but whatever.
Tramp or whatever, what have you.
Railroad bum.
But he wasn't a bum.
He was just out, he was a good, honest man during the Depression, searching for
work.
Yeah.
You know, he had no money, so he'd travel the country trying to find work, and
he actually
rode the rails.
Uncle Hector, and he told me, it was an interesting story.
He'd go through, this was in Canada, and there's a town called Kitchener in
Canada, and the
railroad cops were tough, boy.
They were tougher.
Tougher than the real cops.
You know, they had a law of their own, the railroad cops.
I feel like I should be tucked into bed listening to you.
Anyway, a law of their own, those railroad cops.
But there was not a railroad cop tougher than Kitchener Leslie.
Oh, boy.
He was well-known.
He was well-known for beating hobos to death.
Really?
He'd find a hobo on his train, he'd beat him to death.
He'd beat him to death.
And so what the railroad bums would all do is, as Kitchener approached, of
course, oh, hey, Norm, how you doing?
So, uh...
Wow, such focus on these stories.
That wasn't a mirror, that was another guy named Norm.
Okay, that was a guy named Norm.
Yeah.
So, uh, uh, uh, the railroad bums would all see hop off before they got to
Kitchener to
avoid being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
Anyways, my, uh, my, uh, Uncle Hector, a good man, you know, and he walked into
a mine.
One day.
This is a, uh, story for the, uh, that they think the young people could learn
from.
Yeah, don't go mine-hopping, kids.
During the height of the Depression, where there was absolutely no work, my
Uncle Hector walked
into, to a, I won't say the name of the mining company, it was McIntyre Mine.
And he, and he walked in, he had his, he had his lunchbox with him and his, his,
uh, work
boots, and he said, sir, he said, uh, I want a job.
And they said, we have no jobs.
He said, well, 500 people work here at McIntyre Mine.
He goes, uh, uh, I don't think there are 500 men here better than I.
Uh, he says, as a matter of fact, I don't think there are 200 men better than I.
He says, I, I think you'd be, uh, strapped to find 100 men better than I.
And by golly, he got the job.
What do you think of that?
That's a great story.
Yeah.
I'm sensing there's more.
Now, back to Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
The most dreaded.
No, no, no.
Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
What?
No.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to help you out.
No.
Uncle Hector.
Dad, where's this story going?
Uncle, Uncle Hector, uh, worked in a mine.
Yeah.
And it's a, it's a hellish job, the mine.
As you well know.
Uh, you know, uh, darkness.
You know?
It's dank.
It's dank.
Yeah.
It's, it's coal-ly.
It's a lot of.
What?
Well, you're in a coal mine.
It's not coal-ly.
It's coal-ridden.
It's coal-ridden.
Coal-infested.
It's not coal-ly.
It's coal-infested.
So, uh, so he worked in the mine, and by God, he worked hard.
And, uh, after a week of working hard, he said to the, the shift manager, he
said, where,
he said, by golly, I'd like to have a lady.
I work hard, and, uh, where would I find a, where would I find a lady here in
town?
Well, they said to Uncle Hector, they says, uh, uh, we don't have, uh, we have
sex with
animals here.
By God, says Uncle Hector, I'm not gonna do that.
I, why, I'm a normal fellow.
Uh, well, then, uh, be to your own devices, then.
So, Uncle.
Be to your own devices?
Yeah.
Wow.
Uncle Hector continued working in the mine.
He worked hard, and he worked long, and he worked for a low wage.
But he was a man.
And, uh.
And Uncle Hector, after a couple of weeks passed, he, he started to get a
little itch.
You know, as, as you and I say.
Right.
You know?
Right, right.
Well, no, when we're thinking about the.
The ladies.
The ladies, yeah.
You know, and, uh, but he kept it under control.
He went again, and he said, are you sure there's no ladies here?
No, we have sex with animals.
Oh, my God.
Six, six months passed, and Uncle Hector couldn't take it any longer, he told
me.
Right.
He said, by God, I just had to, uh, I, I'm just a man.
I'm weak, you know, I'm, I'm not a saint, you know, and, uh, I was, I was born
in sin, I suppose, and I, I, I couldn't resist.
I, I just needed it, so, so he, so he said he walked, uh, by, uh, a pasture,
and there, there was a pig.
Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah.
That's terrible.
Yeah, yeah, that's terrible.
And, uh, so Uncle Hector said, well, uh, he, he, he said, I walked up, and I, I
began having sex with a pig.
Mm-hmm.
And he said, uh, all of a sudden, he saw all the miners, like, around him, you
know, looking at him, they go, Uncle Hector, oh, what the hell are you doing
over there?
And Uncle Hector's, like, indignant, he's, like, what, well, you, you're the
guys that told me that, uh, that, uh, you have sex with animals.
They're, like, Uncle Hector, you damn fool, that's Kitchener Leslie's
girlfriend.
Of all the animals.
Of all the animals to have sex with.
You don't want to have sex with Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend.
And not with Kitchener Leslie's girlfriend.
No, that's terrible.
Not Kitchener Leslie's pig, Kitchener Leslie's lady.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
My dad would always tell this joke, and, uh, it was about a little boy called Dirty
Johnny, you know, and he'd be in class.
You ever heard Dirty Johnny?
The Dirty Johnny jokes, yes.
Heard the whole series.
In this book, in this, in this joke, he's not dirty.
But anyways, uh, the teacher, uh, has a thing.
And the teacher says, today in class, um, class, we are going to, uh, have a
little experiment.
You're going to tell a story from your real life.
And then afterwards, you are going to tell the moral of that story.
You know?
So, uh, uh, Sheila puts up her hand, and the teacher says, Sheila, what's your
story?
So Sheila says, well, uh, uh, my dad works at the hatchery.
And, uh, he took, uh, some chick, uh, some eggs, and, um, and he put them all
in a basket.
All the eggs he put in one basket.
And then he put them in the horse and buggy, and off we went to town, and the
earth was uneven, and the eggs broke.
And, uh, and the teacher goes, well, that's an all right story, but I can't
understand what the, what the moral would be to that story.
So Sheila says, well, the moral is, don't put all of your eggs into one basket.
So the teacher says, well, by God, this is exactly what I'm looking for, and
what I was hoping for with this experiment.
Yeah.
And, uh, anybody else have one?
So, uh, Marjorie puts up her hand.
Okay, Marjorie, what's your story?
Well, my father works for the hatchery.
Most of us.
Most people in that town work for the hatchery.
Put up the hatchery.
Thank God for the hatchery, she says.
Where would we be?
So she says, my father, um, uh, he sells chickens.
And he knows that eggs become chickens.
See what I mean?
So, uh, he had to count his chickens, uh, so he'd go in and sell them in town.
So he had nine chickens and five eggs.
So instead of, uh, saying he had nine chickens, he added the five eggs, you see.
He counted them as chickens.
So he said, I have 14 chickens.
So he, uh, uh, took them, uh, Sheila says, uh, and put them in the horse and
buggy, and off they went to town.
But the, uh, the land was uneven.
The chickens, uh, survived easily.
They frolicked.
The eggs broke.
Well, the teacher says, again, that's a story, you know.
But, uh, what, what on earth could the, could the moral of that story be?
Well, Sheila says, if that's her name, I forgot.
She says, don't count your chickens before they hatch out of the eggs.
Teacher says you could probably shorten it a little.
So, um, but, but that's great.
And that's exactly what we're looking for.
And then she looks at the back of the class, and by God, there's the upraised
hands of, as you say, fucking dirty Johnny.
Fucking dirty Johnny.
He's going to ruin the lesson.
So the teacher, and inside of her head, her thoughts are moving around, and she's
like,
ah, God, I don't want to hear a dirty Johnny saying that this is going so well.
But at the same time, I took a vow, and I became a teacher that every student,
and, ah, ah.
All right, Johnny, let's hear your story.
So dirty Johnny gets up, and he says, this is a story about my Uncle Terry.
He didn't work for the hatchery.
He didn't even like people that did.
He was in Vietnam, and he lives in the disability checks he got.
Uncle Terry was not a popular man, not even among those he worked with.
And I suppose we've all heard of people who've deserted from their battalion.
But I don't know if you've ever heard of a battalion deserting a man.
That's what they did with Uncle Terry.
One day, Uncle Terry awoke in the middle of Da Nang, and everybody was gone.
He was alone, and they'd left him three bottles of Jack Daniels and some weaponry.
So, Uncle Terry got up to his dirty Johnny, and he downed the bottle of Jack
Daniels and two slugs.
And he threw it down and smashed it into the jungle.
And then he walked, picked up the two Kalashnikovs and three or four Glocks and
a couple of hand grenades.
And off he walked into the unknown, the jungle, his fate.
Came upon a village, and from the village came people.
Now, were they Charlie, or were they the people that Terry was sent to protect
from Charlie?
Uncle Terry didn't know.
But he knew he had to do something, so he took another swig from the bottle,
and he let loose.
Took that Kalashnikov, and he let it sway like a farmer would a scythe.
And the bullets came, and just as hay would fall before a farmer, so the people
fell before Uncle Terry.
The men, the women, and by God, even the children.
And finally, Uncle Terry stood alone in the mud, and the blood, and the guts,
and the...
Only at himself.
He took a long swig.
And his hand brushed against his pants, and he felt wetness.
And then he felt shame, because he realized he had urinated himself in fear.
And then, upon closer inspection, he realized it was not urine.
It was ejaculate.
And his shame was replaced by pride.
And that teacher goes, holy fucking shit, what the fuck?
What kind of fucking story is that?
Like, we just heard the hatchery and shit, and now this?
She goes, Uncle Terry.
Well, Dirty Johnny, what on earth could be the moral to such a story?
So, Johnny thinks about it for a couple minutes, and he goes, well, I don't
know, I guess.
Well, I know one thing.
You don't fuck with Terry when he's had some drink in him.
And he's uncorked the jug.
You stay away from Uncle Terry.
And he doesn't like anybody that works at the hatchery, either.
You remember that.
You tell your parents that.
Wow.

Norm Macdonald Told Stories About His Uncle and It Keeps Getting Dirtier

Are you going to have Thanksgiving, though? Thanksgiving's coming up.
Oh, yeah, Thanksgiving. We're going to have a lot of time. We're going to go
see my uncle.
I saw my uncle the other day. Oh, my uncle. He's having troubles, Conan.
Why is he having trouble?
You know my uncle, Basil?
I don't know him, but...
No, but I've talked to him before.
Yeah, you've mentioned him, yeah.
Yeah, he's having troubles. His memory's not too good, you know, and it's not,
thank God, it's not Alzheimer's or anything like that.
But when a guy gets old, he starts forgetting. His memory starts, he doesn't,
you know, remember.
Right.
So I went to him, you know, I went and talked to him, you know, and I said to
him, because I heard he got this new medicine for his memory at the doctor's.
Yeah.
So I said to him, I said, Uncle Basil, I said, how's that memory stuff working
out, the medicine?
He says, it's going good. I said, what's it called, that medicine memory,
memory medicine?
The memory medicine, yeah.
I said, what's it called? What's the name of it?
He goes, oh, the name of it. What is it now? Again, I can't remember now.
He says, what's the name of that flower you give to people?
And I said, I don't know, what, a tulip?
And he said, no, no, no, no, not a tulip. He said, what is it now? It's a kind
of a flower people wear.
I said, is it a carnation? I don't know, Uncle Basil. He says, no, no, what the
hell is it called? It's red.
I said, I don't know, a rose? He said, yes, yes, yes. He said, rose, what's the
name of that medicine hat that the doctor gave me?
Now, listen, we want to talk about your uncle, because every time you come on
the show, you have a story about your uncle who lives up in Canada.
Oh, yeah, he's a Frenchman.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you always have, like, a little story about him.
Jean-Luc.
Oh, yeah, he's a crazy character, that dude. He originally visited New York
City.
Hello?
I'm just having a drink. I can listen to you and have a drink. It's not like I
went like this. Hold up.
Ah, liquid. Huh? I'm still here. Let's see if I got this right. You've got an
uncle, lives up in Canada, named Jean-Luc.
Jean-Luc.
Occasionally, he visits. Once, time he visited New York.
So, I'm living in New York, you know. And Jean-Luc, I'm excited. Jean-Luc's
going to come by, my crazy Frenchman uncle.
So, he gets in the cab, right?
When he gets to the airport.
Yeah, when he gets to the airport, the cab driver picks him up, and the cab
driver says to him,
Hey, Frenchman, he says, you know, he says, do you like riddles, you know?
So, my uncle Jean-Luc, he's like, ah, yes, I love the riddles. That's how he
talks.
He goes, I like nothing better than a riddle.
So, the cab, he's like, all right, here's one, right?
So, here's the riddle. He's brothers and sisters, I have none, but this man's
father is my father's son.
So, my uncle goes, ah, I don't know.
So, the cab, he goes, it's me. It's me.
Oh, yeah, makes sense.
Oh, he thinks about it. Oh, by God, he says, that's a good riddle there.
He says, I have to tell my wife, Mary Claire, when I get back to Gaspé.
That's where he lives, Gaspé.
Right.
So, he's like, take me back to the airport.
And the cab is like, what?
The cab is like, I thought you wanted to go visit Norm then.
No, no, no.
I have to go back to the airport.
All right, you know, I have to tell Mary Claire.
Seems odd, right?
Gets back on the plane, flies all the way back home there to Gaspé.
And he gets back, right, runs in the door.
Mary Claire, Mary Claire, where are you, Mary Claire?
Come on down here.
I have a riddle for you.
She goes, oh, Jean-Luc, I love the riddle.
She's a woman, high voice.
Michael Jackson was visiting.
Yeah, all right.
So, oh, you're going to love this riddle.
How was New York?
Forget about that.
I got the riddle.
Brothers and sisters, I have none.
But this man's father, he's my father's son.
She goes, oh, I don't know.
Who is it?
Except the cab driver back in New York.
That guy, man, I always tell my uncle, you shouldn't curse him.
Oh, man.
All right.
We're going to pick up the pieces.
So, you got a week off.
Yeah, I got a week off coming up.
After this show, I got a week off, so it's going to be great.
Do you see your family much?
Every break, I like to go back and see my folks, you know,
and also my uncles and aunts and all that, you know.
They're great people.
The old people, you know, what I find about the old people is,
just in general.
In general, they had so much more interesting lives than we do, you know.
Like, you know what I mean?
Like, we, you know, we go out our generation.
We go, okay, hey, let's go to a movie,
and then we'll do the laundry and get some quarters for the laundry,
and then we'll have a read the Sports Illustrated, you know, and whatever,
right?
Right, right.
But these guys, they had lives, you know.
You know what I'm saying?
Sure.
Yeah.
So, anyways, for instance, my Uncle Phil.
You ever meet my Uncle Phil?
I didn't meet your Uncle Phil, no.
Oh, you didn't?
He was...
Yeah, we don't know each other that well.
That's true.
Remember?
That's true.
No, I've not met your Uncle Phil.
He's a good man, Uncle Phil.
So, he was telling me, you know,
he's just one of these guys that has so many lives pushed into one.
He just does so many things, you know.
Mm-hmm.
And he was telling me, he says,
he's a kind of a jack of all trades, you'd call him.
Yeah.
That's a good phrase.
Yeah, he's a jack of all trades.
So, he was telling me, he said,
the problem is you're not really appreciated for any single thing
because you're so good at so many things.
You understand what I mean?
I hear you.
Yeah.
So, he says, he said to me one time, he says,
Norm, he says,
we were just walking through his town, you know,
of Monkland, Maine, he lives in.
Uh-huh.
And we were just walking through the town.
He's an old fellow, you know.
Right, one of the old people.
Yeah, he's 80.
Yeah, 80, okay.
80 years young, he says.
Uh-huh.
So, he goes, Norm, you see that barn over there, he says to me.
I look over, there's a barn.
I go, yeah, yeah.
He goes, I built that barn with my own hands, all by myself.
But he goes, do they call me, do they say there's Phil, the barn builder?
No, sir, he says.
I said, yeah, yeah.
He goes, look over there, you see that weather balloon?
Yeah.
He says, I, you don't know this about me, Norm.
He says, I was one of the first men ever to fly in a weather balloon.
Wow.
He says, but do they say, hey, there goes Phil, the weather balloon pioneer?
No.
He says, look over there, there's a bakery that I started, you know?
That dirty bastard Bob has it now, but I'm the guy that started that bakery.
Uh-huh.
And I go, all right, all right, easy.
And he goes, he goes, I started that bakery and I was the best baker, but does
anybody go, oh, there goes Phil, the great baker?
No, he says.
But he says, let me tell you something, Norm.
He says, you have sex with one goat.
And he says, people, then they say, there goes Phil, the dirty goat.
Let me ask you quickly, we haven't talked to you in so long, I want to ask you
about your family.
Ah, my great family.
I love them all.
How's your, we used to talk in the old days, you and I used to, you used to
spend some yarns about Uncle Hector.
How's Uncle Hector?
Oh, Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
He's Polish too, I'm guessing.
No, he wasn't Polish.
Oh, okay.
No, he was from my cousin's side of the family.
And he was, he was, he was a great man, my uncle, you know?
He was an old fella.
He actually rode the rails during the Depression.
Oh.
You know, he was a hobo.
Hobo.
As you might call him.
I don't like that term, but whatever.
Tramp or whatever, what have you.
Railroad bum.
But he wasn't a bum.
He was just out, he was a good, honest man during the Depression, searching for
work.
Yeah.
You know, he had no money, so he'd travel the country trying to find work, and
he actually
rode the rails.
Uncle Hector, and he told me, it was an interesting story.
He'd go through, this was in Canada, and there's a town called Kitchener in
Canada, and the
railroad cops were tough, boy.
They were tougher.
Tougher than the real cops.
You know, they had a law of their own, the railroad cops.
I feel like I should be tucked into bed listening to you.
Anyway, a law of their own, those railroad cops.
But there was not a railroad cop tougher than Kitchener Leslie.
Oh, boy.
He was well-known.
He was well-known for beating hobos to death.
Really?
He'd find a hobo on his train, he'd beat him to death.
He'd beat him to death.
And so what the railroad bums would all do is, as Kitchener approached, of
course, oh, hey, Norm, how you doing?
So, uh...
Wow, such focus on these stories.
That wasn't a mirror, that was another guy named Norm.
Okay, that was a guy named Norm.
Yeah.
So, uh, uh, uh, the railroad bums would all see hop off before they got to
Kitchener to
avoid being beaten to death by Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
Anyways, my, uh, my, uh, Uncle Hector, a good man, you know, and he walked into
a mine.
One day.
This is a, uh, story for the, uh, that they think the young people could learn
from.
Yeah, don't go mine-hopping, kids.
During the height of the Depression, where there was absolutely no work, my
Uncle Hector walked
into, to a, I won't say the name of the mining company, it was McIntyre Mine.
And he, and he walked in, he had his, he had his lunchbox with him and his, his,
uh, work
boots, and he said, sir, he said, uh, I want a job.
And they said, we have no jobs.
He said, well, 500 people work here at McIntyre Mine.
He goes, uh, uh, I don't think there are 500 men here better than I.
Uh, he says, as a matter of fact, I don't think there are 200 men better than I.
He says, I, I think you'd be, uh, strapped to find 100 men better than I.
And by golly, he got the job.
What do you think of that?
That's a great story.
Yeah.
I'm sensing there's more.
Now, back to Kitchener Leslie.
Yeah.
The most dreaded.
No, no, no.
Uncle Hector.
Uncle Hector.
What?
No.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to help you out.
No.
Uncle Hector.
Dad, where's this story going?
Uncle, Uncle Hector, uh, worked in a mine.
Yeah.
And it's a, it's a hellish job, the mine.
As you well know.
Uh, you know, uh, darkness.
You know?
It's dank.
It's dank.
Yeah.
It's, it's coal-ly.
It's a lot of.
What?
Well, you're in a coal mine.
It's not coal-ly.
It's coal-ridden.
It's coal-ridden.
Coal-infested.
It's not coal-ly.
It's coal-infested.
So, uh, so he worked in the mine, and by God, he worked hard.
And, uh, after a week of working hard, he said to the, the shift manager, he
said, where,
he said, by golly, I'd like to have a lady.
I work hard, and, uh, where would I find a, where would I find a lady here in
town?
Well, they said to Uncle Hector, they says, uh, uh, we don't have, uh, we have
sex with
animals here.
By God, says Uncle Hector, I'm not gonna do that.
I, why, I'm a normal fellow.
Uh, well, then, uh, be to your own devices, then.
So, Uncle.
Be to your own devices?
Yeah.
Wow.
Uncle Hector continued working in the mine.
He worked hard, and he worked long, and he worked for a low wage.
But he was a man.
And, uh.
And Uncle Hector, after a couple of weeks passed, he, he started to get a
little itch.
You know, as, as you and I say.
Right.
You know?
Right, right.
Well, no, when we're thinking about the.
The ladies.
The ladies, yeah.
You know, and, uh, but he kept it under control.
He went again, and he said, are you sure there's no ladies here?
No, we have sex with animals.
Oh, my God.
Six, six months passed, and Uncle Hector couldn't take it any longer, he told
me.
Right.
He said, by God, I just had to, uh, I, I'm just a man.
I'm weak, you know, I'm, I'm not a saint, you know, and, uh, I was, I was born
in sin, I suppose, and I, I, I couldn't resist.
I, I just needed it, so, so he, so he said he walked, uh, by, uh, a pasture,
and there, there was a pig.
Oh, God.
Yeah, yeah.
That's terrible.
Yeah, yeah, that's terrible.
And, uh, so Uncle Hector said, well, uh, he, he, he said, I walked up, and I, I
began having sex with 