Name: Norm Macdonald is the Funniest Canadian Ever
Uploaded: 2023-03-13T15:30:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald is the Funniest Canadian Ever' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald is the Funniest Canadian Ever' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-03-13. Transcript available.

Let's talk about you. Now, let me ask you something.
Another guy from Canada has come and invaded show business here in the United
States.
With an acerbic wit.
So many funny guys come out of Canada.
What is it about Canada that produces all these comedians?
What do you think it is?
I don't know, because when I'm in Canada, no one's funny.
You think it's the long, dark, cold winters that you just have to find
something to laugh about?
Yeah, we don't have dark winters. We don't live in the Arctic Circle.
But they're long, aren't they?
They're long and cold, and they're cold.
And really cold.
Yeah, they're cold.
So when you're a kid up in Canada...
I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but they're cold.
You said this is the coldest you've ever been.
You're Canadian, so are you okay with this?
I've been colder than this.
I've been colder than vampires.
Go on. Go on.
That's like an 8 a.m. joke.
Yeah, we can do it at 7.19. The stage is yours.
Are you drunk?
Because all you did was ride a cooler, and you're sweating.
I am. Well, no, it's hotter than a $2 pistol in here.
Well, he's got like 12 layers on, I think.
Yeah, I thought it was going to be really cold.
You're from Canada. This should be springtime for you.
I know, I'm from Canada, but, you know, I'm still a human being.
It's not like it really evolved differently.
I'm from the frozen north.
Yeah.
Yeah, it gets colder than a...
It gets colder than a...
Uh-oh, here it comes.
Get your finger on the panic button.
No, I think it gets colder than a vampire's demeanor.
Okay, that's better.
Wow.
Surprisingly cerebral.
I, uh, I, uh, I want, uh, once time, one time I kissed relic.
Some of the beachcombers?
Yeah.
Were you on a ferry, or...?
No, that, uh, Indian guy from the show gave me some bad, uh, heroin.
That's not true.
No.
That's, you made that.
I mean, I did, I didn't make that part up, but, uh, I did have a long kiss with
relic.
Uh, for a show, or just, uh, well...
Party?
Yeah, no, I was supposed to be on the beachcombers.
Right, that would have been awesome, with Jackson Davies, too?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, uh, uh, turns out, I was never going to be on the beachcombers, uh, and I
was just
going to be in relic's hotel room.
What, were you in Vancouver?
Yeah, I was in Vancouver, and I'm like, this is going to be the greatest.
I'm going to be, I was, I was supposed to be, like, the new breed of the beachcomber
and everything.
That's what relic said.
So, this is a next generation beachcomber thing?
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Uh, beachcomber, the next generation.
Relic was supposed to be the executive producer, and he'd make occasional, like,
uh, appearances.
This is what he told me in his hotel room.
Come on.
This didn't happen.
No, it didn't happen.
Okay.
I've got to read this book.
Uh, Sean, uh...
Hey, I should put that in the book.
You should.
Uh, I know there's a couple generations, maybe, between you two as comedians,
looking at, uh...
A couple?
Watching Norm over the years, and some of the characters, what's it like being
alongside one
of the best?
Oh, it's great.
I mean, uh, I love dirty work, and I love Saturday Night Live, and then I
worked with
Norm.
He was my boss, my first boss in Los Angeles.
Yeah, Sean's the awesome, man.
Future of comedy.
If you show, uh, this clip, like, uh, 10, 20 years from now, you're gonna go,
who's that
old guy talking about, who the hell is Relic?
Oh, I love that story.
I'll be like Relic, and he'll be like me, like, 20 years, when you look at this
in the
fall.
In Canada, it's different.
Like, here in the States, you vote for the president, maybe you vote for the
wrong guy,
a war happens.
Right.
In Canada, it's not like that.
You go, like, what's the big thing?
It's a...
Should they build, make that bridge?
Right.
That's the biggest.
Yeah.
So it doesn't really matter, so it's, you know, we're very inconsequential,
Canada.
Yeah.
Last time I performed here at the Just for Laughs gala was 25 years ago, and,
uh, I did so
well, they invited me back, so that was nice.
I love Montreal, my God, you know, and call me an eternal optimist, you know,
but I
really believe in my heart that this is the year that the Expos are finally
going to win
it all.
Montreal, famous for a lot of things, you know, one of them being the greatest
strip clubs in
all of the world.
Yeah.
Last night, uh, are you, are you, are you, are you, were club super sex?
Yeah, so last night I went to, uh, club super sex.
Uh, I chose the soup.
Big mistake.
Hey, big election coming up, and, uh, in Canada, this is the difference in
elections in America
and Canada, is elections in America mean something.
You vote for the wrong motherfucker, the world blows up.
I don't need that on my hands.
Whereas, Canada, you know, what's the, uh, it's always like, uh, well, what's
the, what's
your view on the bridge?
I say, keep as it is.
I don't think they need to clean that up.
That's fine.
It was easy when I was young, uh, to vote because it was simply, uh, you know,
you, you just didn't
vote for the French guy.
It couldn't have been an easier choice.
As a matter of fact, I almost feel like coming back this fall, uh, just as an
homage to my
late father and, uh, not vote for Trudeau.
My dad did not like Trudeau.
Trudeau was my hero, though.
I loved him, you know.
And, uh, since I've come back, I've been watching the news and everything, I've
been seeing Justin,
you know, and, uh, I thought, by God, you know, this Justin kid, he must be
brilliant because
his father was, was Pierre Elliott Trudeau.
But then I forgot, he's got a mother.
So that's kind of, kind of evens everything out.
You know, uh, uh, what's also different in American and Canadian election?
In America, you get to vote for the president of the United States.
And in Canada, you vote for some motherfucker who lived down the street.
And you're riding.
Whatever the hell that is.
So then, that guy, he goes to the House of Parliament, you know, and he's like,
oh, wow, this is big.
And, uh, and then the speaker's like, all right, well, what are we going to
talk about?
Anybody want to bring an issue?
And then you're guys like, yeah, I just, uh, uh, our bridge ain't looking too
good.
And the speaker's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
I go, nah, I'll sit down.
Sorry about that.
I just.
I'm scared of letting go.
Go, go.
I'm scared of letting go.
Go, go.
I'm scared of letting go.
Go, go.
I'm scared of letting go of everything.
I'm scared of letting go.
Thank you and good evening.
I'm Norman Donald.
I could not be more excited to be here.
You know, when I was asked to host the Canadian Screen Awards, I called my good
friend Chris Rock,
and I said to him, I've got some great news, Chris.
I'm going to Canada.
And he said, I've got some great news, too.
I'm hosting the Oscars.
What are you doing in Canada?
And I said, you know, visiting some family friends.
The usual.
We're coming to you live from Toronto, or as you cost-cutting location scouts
call it, New York City.
Never has there been such an assembly of great Canadian talent in a single
location that did not have to be Zambonied first.
Tonight, the CSAs are being seen in over 50 countries.
Isn't that exciting?
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
Wait, wait.
I misread that.
50 counties.
And a couple of regional municipalities.
We are here
to celebrate nominees for their wonderful work in Canadian cinema and
television,
which is a lot like celebrating the Northern Lights.
You probably haven't seen them, but you've heard they're amazing.
We have a lot to celebrate in our industry.
Amongst the TV shows nominated tonight are Amazing Race Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
MasterChef Canada.
Where do they come up with these ideas?
But it's been a wonderful year for Canada.
It's been an especially great year for one little guy.
One adorable little Canadian youngster who's already accomplished so much.
Of course, you know who I'm talking about.
Justin Trudeau.
Haven't we had a wonderful year?
It's been a busy weekend getting here.
We lost an hour.
As you know, daylight savings time went into effect last night.
Ha, I give it six months.
Well, we're going to start the show, but I, you know, I was, it hasn't started
yet.
You didn't know.
I saw a wild look of alarm cross your eyes.
But I was backstage yesterday, and I was, we were doing rehearsals, and I asked,
what is
the statuette called?
And they said, it's called the Canadian Screen Award.
And I said, well, that seems kind of dull.
Like, what, that's the name of the award?
And they said, well, we've been bandying around different names, and, but none
of, you
know, they said, in Canada, it takes a long time to get stuff done and stuff.
But one of them that they said, one of them they mentioned was the candy.
And I think, John Candy?
I mean, who doesn't love John Candy?
So, of course, of course, the statuette should be called the candy.
So, what I'm asking you to do is, if you are a presenter, ignore the teleprompter
and
say, the candy goes too, and if you are lucky enough to win one, go, I would,
like, want
a candy.
What do you think of that?
Can you go along with that?
Excellent.
That would make us a better nation.
I am not here to upbraid.
However, I think I made it quite clear that these awards should be referred to
as the candies.
A nine-year-old child knew.
Are you so burdened to this preposterous technology?
So, I would like not to see that again.
You know, backstage, I was thinking how different things are since I moved
to the United States.
You know, now, I'm in the United States.
One thing I've noticed about films, I don't like foreign films anymore.
You know?
They're all, like, artsy, kind of, not my cup of tea.
But when I grew up in Ottawa, by God, I loved foreign films.
You know, Star Wars.
Smokey and the Bandit.
Do you remember that one?
Here to present our next award, the candy.
And this will be the end of my upbraiding.
I hope.
George St. Kitts and the candy band.
Who can take a sunrise.
Come on, guys.
Sprinkle it when they can't.
Well, whatever.
Well, our next presenters are political people.
And it made me think, because I was just told, Cape Breton Island, I don't know
if you know this,
but they are offering sanctuary to anyone that lives in America after Trump is
elected president by a landslide.
And I agree with this in principle, but why Cape Breton Island?
I mean, can't I just flee to Toronto?
Do I have to leave the fucking planet?
I mean, I just go to Baffin Island while I'm at it.
All right.
Now, welcome to the stage, too, Canadian.
Oh, the candies are going great so far, aren't they?
I would like to say to Eugene Levy that there's no reason to be ashamed of your
son.
My son only this morning punched me in the chest really hard.
Listen, I have some good news.
I just found out that all of you here tonight will be getting a swag bag.
Just like the Oscars.
I haven't seen one yet, but why don't we take a look and see what you're
getting?
I'm going to call Megan, our golden girl, out.
Megan, our golden girl?
Hi, Megan.
Come on out here.
Ah, you brought the swag bag.
Yes.
Can you hold it open, and then I'll take things out of the swag bag.
What do we have here?
A loose pancake.
What else we got here, Megan?
We got, oh, oh, this looks cool.
It's a CD.
You know what they are?
Of Nelly Furtado singing all the national anthems.
Torn from today's headlines.
See what else we have.
Uh, well, we have this.
Ah, yes.
This.
This is a bottle of Eau de John Cherry Cologne.
It's for the gentleman in the audience.
It's for the gentleman in the audience.
Now, what else do we have?
Hopefully something a little funnier than the last one.
Here.
We have a 30-minute massage from producer Robert Lantos.
Don't try to go for 50.
You only can hit 30.
Now, what else do we have here?
Oh, a curling stone.
You know what these are made of?
You know what these are made of?
I always took them for granted.
Last time I take a joke from Martin Short.
All right.
Megan, just do some house cleaning here.
I want a hand for Megan, our Golden Globe.
Natural mistake.
All right, all right.
Listen, guys.
For some reason, I've been told to stretch.
I've never tried that before.
The show's over, folks.
Good night.
But for the first candies, respect.
Peace.

Norm Macdonald is the Funniest Canadian Ever

Let's talk about you. Now, let me ask you something.
Another guy from Canada has come and invaded show business here in the United
States.
With an acerbic wit.
So many funny guys come out of Canada.
What is it about Canada that produces all these comedians?
What do you think it is?
I don't know, because when I'm in Canada, no one's funny.
You think it's the long, dark, cold winters that you just have to find
something to laugh about?
Yeah, we don't have dark winters. We don't live in the Arctic Circle.
But they're long, aren't they?
They're long and cold, and they're cold.
And really cold.
Yeah, they're cold.
So when you're a kid up in Canada...
I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but they're cold.
You said this is the coldest you've ever been.
You're Canadian, so are you okay with this?
I've been colder than this.
I've been colder than vampires.
Go on. Go on.
That's like an 8 a.m. joke.
Yeah, we can do it at 7.19. The stage is yours.
Are you drunk?
Because all you did was ride a cooler, and you're sweating.
I am. Well, no, it's hotter than a $2 pistol in here.
Well, he's got like 12 layers on, I think.
Yeah, I thought it was going to be really cold.
You're from Canada. This should be springtime for you.
I know, I'm from Canada, but, you know, I'm still a human being.
It's not like it really evolved differently.
I'm from the frozen north.
Yeah.
Yeah, it gets colder than a...
It gets colder than a...
Uh-oh, here it comes.
Get your finger on the panic button.
No, I think it gets colder than a vampire's demeanor.
Okay, that's better.
Wow.
Surprisingly cerebral.
I, uh, I, uh, I want, uh, once time, one time I kissed relic.
Some of the beachcombers?
Yeah.
Were you on a ferry, or...?
No, that, uh, Indian guy from the show gave me some bad, uh, heroin.
That's not true.
No.
That's, you made that.
I mean, I did, I didn't make that part up, but, uh, I did have a long kiss with
relic.
Uh, for a show, or just, uh, well...
Party?
Yeah, no, I was supposed to be on the beachcombers.
Right, that would have been awesome, with Jackson Davies, too?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, uh, uh, turns out, I was never going to be on the beachcombers, uh, and I
was just
going to be in relic's hotel room.
What, were you in Vancouver?
Yeah, I was in Vancouver, and I'm like, this is going to be the greatest.
I'm going to be, I was, I was supposed to be, like, the new breed of the beachcomber
and everything.
That's what relic said.
So, this is a next generation beachcomber thing?
Yeah, exactly.
Okay.
Uh, beachcomber, the next generation.
Relic was supposed to be the executive producer, and he'd make occasional, like,
uh, appearances.
This is what he told me in his hotel room.
Come on.
This didn't happen.
No, it didn't happen.
Okay.
I've got to read this book.
Uh, Sean, uh...
Hey, I should put that in the book.
You should.
Uh, I know there's a couple generations, maybe, between you two as comedians,
looking at, uh...
A couple?
Watching Norm over the years, and some of the characters, what's it like being
alongside one
of the best?
Oh, it's great.
I mean, uh, I love dirty work, and I love Saturday Night Live, and then I
worked with
Norm.
He was my boss, my first boss in Los Angeles.
Yeah, Sean's the awesome, man.
Future of comedy.
If you show, uh, this clip, like, uh, 10, 20 years from now, you're gonna go,
who's that
old guy talking about, who the hell is Relic?
Oh, I love that story.
I'll be like Relic, and he'll be like me, like, 20 years, when you look at this
in the
fall.
In Canada, it's different.
Like, here in the States, you vote for the president, maybe you vote for the
wrong guy,
a war happens.
Right.
In Canada, it's not like that.
You go, like, what's the big thing?
It's a...
Should they build, make that bridge?
Right.
That's the biggest.
Yeah.
So it doesn't really matter, so it's, you know, we're very inconsequential,
Canada.
Yeah.
Last time I performed here at the Just for Laughs gala was 25 years ago, and,
uh, I did so
well, they invited me back, so that was nice.
I love Montreal, my God, you know, and call me an eternal optimist, you know,
but I
really believe in my heart that this is the year that the Expos are finally
going to win
it all.
Montreal, famous for a lot of things, you know, one of them being the greatest
strip clubs in
all of the world.
Yeah.
Last night, uh, are you, are you, are you, are you, were club super sex?
Yeah, so last night I went to, uh, club super sex.
Uh, I chose the soup.
Big mistake.
Hey, big election coming up, and, uh, in Canada, this is the difference in
elections in America
and Canada, is elections in America mean something.
You vote for the wrong motherfucker, the world blows up.
I don't need that on my hands.
Whereas, Canada, you know, what's the, uh, it's always like, uh, well, what's
the, what's
your view on the bridge?
I say, keep as it is.
I don't think they need to clean that up.
That's fine.
It was easy when I was young, uh, to vote because it was simply, uh, you know,
you, you just didn't
vote for the French guy.
It couldn't have been an easier choice.
As a matter of fact, I almost feel like coming back this fall, uh, just as an
homage to my
late father and, uh, not vote for Trudeau.
My dad did not like Trudeau.
Trudeau was my hero, though.
I loved him, you know.
And, uh, since I've come back, I've been watching the news and everything, I've
been seeing Justin,
you know, and, uh, I thought, by God, you know, this Justin kid, he must be
brilliant because
his father was, was Pierre Elliott Trudeau.
But then I forgot, he's got a mother.
So that's kind of, kind of evens everything out.
You know, uh, uh, what's also different in American and Canadian election?
In America, you get to vote for the president of the United States.
And in Canada, you vote for some motherfucker who lived down the street.
And you're riding.
Whatever the hell that is.
So then, that guy, he goes to the House of Parliament, you know, and he's like,
oh, wow, this is big.
And, uh, and then the speaker's like, all right, well, what are we going to
talk about?
Anybody want to bring an issue?
And then you're guys like, yeah, I just, uh, uh, our bridge ain't looking too
good.
And the speaker's like, what the fuck are you talking about?
I go, nah, I'll sit down.
Sorry about that.
I just.
I'm scared of letting go.
Go, go.
I'm scared of letting go.
Go, go.
I'm scared of letting go.
Go, go.
I'm scared of letting go of everything.
I'm scared of letting go.
Thank you and good evening.
I'm Norman Donald.
I could not be more excited to be here.
You know, when I was asked to host the Canadian Screen Awards, I called my good
friend Chris Rock,
and I said to him, I've got some great news, Chris.
I'm going to Canada.
And he said, I've got some great news, too.
I'm hosting the Oscars.
What are you doing in Canada?
And I said, you know, visiting some family friends.
The usual.
We're coming to you live from Toronto, or as you cost-cutting location scouts
call it, New York City.
Never has there been such an assembly of great Canadian talent in a single
location that did not have to be Zambonied first.
Tonight, the CSAs are being seen in over 50 countries.
Isn't that exciting?
Oh, wait, I'm sorry.
Wait, wait.
I misread that.
50 counties.
And a couple of regional municipalities.
We are here
to celebrate nominees for their wonderful work in Canadian cinema and
television,
which is a lot like celebrating the Northern Lights.
You probably haven't seen them, but you've heard they're amazing.
We have a lot to celebrate in our industry.
Amongst the TV shows nominated tonight are Amazing Race Canada.
Big Brother Canada.
MasterChef Canada.
Where do they come up with these ideas?
But it's been a wonderful year for Canada.
It's been an especially great year for one little guy.
One adorable little Canadian youngster who's already accomplished so much.
Of course, you know who I'm talking about.
Justin Trudeau.
Haven't we had a wonderful year?
It's been a busy weekend getting here.
We lost an hour.
As you know, daylight savings time went into effect last night.
Ha, I give it six months.
Well, we're going to start the show, but I, you know, I was, it hasn't started
yet.
You didn't know.
I saw a wild look of alarm cross your eyes.
But I was backstage yesterday, and I was, we were doing rehearsals, and I asked,
what is
the statuette called?
And they said, it's called the Canadian Screen Award.
And I said, well, that seems kind of dull.
Like, what, that's the name of the award?
And they said, well, we've been bandying around different names, and, but none
of, you
know, they said, in Canada, it takes a long time to get stuff done and stuff.
But one of them that they said, one of them they mentioned was the candy.
And I think, John Candy?
I mean, who doesn't love John Candy?
So, of course, of course, the statuette should be called the candy.
So, what I'm asking you to do is, if you are a presenter, ignore the teleprompter
and
say, the candy goes too, and if you are lucky enough to win one, go, I would,
like, want
a candy.
What do you think of that?
Can you go along with that?
Excellent.
That would make us a better nation.
I am not here to upbraid.
However, I think I made it quite clear that these awards should be referred to
as the candies.
A nine-year-old child knew.
Are you so burdened to this preposterous technology?
So, I would like not to see that again.
You know, backstage, I was thinking how different things are since I moved
to the United States.
You know, now, I'm in the United States.
One thing I've noticed about films, I don't like foreign films anymore.
You know?
They're all, like, artsy, kind of, not my cup of tea.
But when I grew up in Ottawa, by God, I loved foreign films.
You know, Star Wars.
Smokey and the Bandit.
Do you remember that one?
Here to present our next award, the candy.
And this will be the end of my upbraiding.
I hope.
George St. Kitts and the candy band.
Who can take a sunrise.
Come on, guys.
Sprinkle it when they can't.
Well, whatever.
Well, our next presenters are political people.
And it made me think, because I was just told, Cape Breton Island, I don't know
if you know this,
but they are offering sanctuary to anyone that lives in America after Trump is
elected president by a landslide.
And I agree with this in principle, but why Cape Breton Island?
I mean, can't I just flee to Toronto?
Do I have to leave the fucking planet?
I mean, I just go to Baffin Island while I'm at it.
All right.
Now, welcome to the stage, too, Canadian.
Oh, the candies are going great so far, aren't they?
I would like to say to Eugene Levy that there's no reason to be ashamed of your
son.
My son only this morning punched me in the chest really hard.
Listen, I have some good news.
I just found out that all of you here tonight will be getting a swag bag.
Just like the Oscars.
I haven't seen one yet, but why don't we take a look and see what you're
getting?
I'm going to call Megan, our golden girl, out.
Megan, our golden girl?
Hi, Megan.
Come on out here.
Ah, you brought the swag bag.
Yes.
Can you hold it open, and then I'll take things out of the swag bag.
What do we have here?
A loose pancake.
What else we got here, Megan?
We got, oh, oh, this looks cool.
It's a CD.
You know what they are?
Of Nelly Furtado singing all the national anthems.
Torn from today's headlines.
See what else we have.
Uh, well, we have this.
Ah, yes.
This.
This is a bottle of Eau de John Cherry Cologne.
It's for the gentleman in the audience.
It's for the gentleman in the audience.
Now, what else do we have?
Hopefully something a little funnier than the last one.
Here.
We have a 30-minute massage from producer Robert Lantos.
Don't try to go for 50.
You only can hit 30.
Now, what else do we have here?
Oh, a curling stone.
You know what these are made of?
You know what these are made of?
I always took them for granted.
Last time I take a joke from Martin Short.
All right.
Megan, just do some house cleaning here.
I want a hand for Megan, our Golden G