Name: Jokes That Can Get You Cancelled Today Part 5
Uploaded: 2023-04-13T21:31:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jokes That Can Get You Cancelled Today Part 5' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jokes That Can Get You Cancelled Today Part 5' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-13. Transcript available.

This week is Taxi Cab Appreciation Week, so to all you taxi cab drivers out
there, I'd appreciate it if you'd take a shower once in a while.
PLO leader Yasser Arafat announced this week that his wife is pregnant.
The happy couple said they really don't care if the child is a boy or a girl,
just as long as it hates Jews.
The United Paramount Network's new show, Star Trek Voyager, finished in first
place Monday night with a 14.7 rating.
For those of you who don't know, one rating point is equal to 950,000 nerds.
Well, there's good news this week from strife-torn Ireland, where a historic
peace agreement has just been signed.
Gee, I wonder if anyone will celebrate by drinking.
Angry over the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indians' use of Indian caricatures
as logos, Native Americans showed up at the World Series tonight.
They chanted for hours to protest Indian stereotypes, though it didn't help
their cause any when it started to rain.
In Nashua, New Hampshire, this week, a high school student, Chris Connolly,
while attempting to dunk a basketball, lost his balance, crashed down on the
rim, and shattered two front teeth.
Gee, I wonder if by some crazy chance Chris is, uh, white.
Well, if I can be allowed a personal opinion, you know, I think Harrison Ford's
new mustache works.
And by works, I mean looks really gay.
Well, this week, world chess champion Gary Kasparov defeated an IBM computer in
their six-game chess series.
Experts are calling the encounter between chess wizard and supercomputer
historic because, for the first time ever, it brought together both geeks and
nerds.
In honor of this year's Academy Awards, Carnival Airlines is offering anyone
named Oscar a free flight to or from Los Angeles.
The airline had tried a similar promotion in the past for the Tony Awards, but
according to airline spokesmen, they found that their planes were packed with
too many, quote, greasy Italians.
Last week on Larry King Live, Marlon Brando made the shocking statement that
Hollywood is, quote, run by Jews.
In response, outraged Jewish organizations made it snow in New York in April.
In overseas news, an attempt to lift the ban on gays serving in the British
Armed Forces has been defeated in Parliament.
This raises a difficult legal question.
How do you exactly tell if a British guy is gay?
In Bridgeport, Connecticut, the Statikoti Indian tribe is seeking recognition
by the Bureau of Indian Affairs in order to open either a manufacturing company
or a casino.
Hmm, I wonder which one they'll choose.
Manufacturing company or the casino.
Potential jurors for the O.J. Simpson case were asked to fill out a 75-page
jury questionnaire this week.
In the entire state of California, only one person got a perfect score.
Xiao Ming Wu, who, after the trial, plans to attend Caltech.
In Michigan, state historical commission officials say they will not interfere
with the building of a new major sports stadium,
even if construction unearths historical artifacts.
However, state Indian affair officials say that if relics from a Native
American tribe are found,
they would like to have the land set aside and designated as a sacred tribal
burial ground slash giant casino.
According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census, California's population is expected
to grow nearly 18 million by the year 2025.
Also by the year 2025, it will be much easier to find a vacant apartment in
Mexico.
According to a new survey by the Women's Vote Project, women would be more
likely to vote if they could send in ballots by mail or if polls were open
longer.
Also, more women would vote if you were permitted to bake your vote.
Finally, in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to
take the wheel of his car,
and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people.
Which once again proves my theory, women can't drive.
Four Wisconsin men have been charged with felony hate crimes after burning a
man's buggy simply because he was Amish.
If convicted, the men face up to 25 years in prison.
But furious Amish leaders say that is not enough.
They want the dunking wheel.
On Wednesday, NASA launched the Space Shuttle Columbia on its 87th voyage.
This trip by the shuttle will feature the first spacewalk ever by a Japanese
astronaut
who will get to take in the unique perspective of Earth from space.
Gee, I wonder if there's any chance he'll, uh, take a picture.
This week, computer hackers broke into Yahoo, the Internet's most popular
website,
and vowed to unleash a crippling computer virus if a fellow hacker is not
released from prison.
Experts warn that catching these cyber terrorists will not be an easy task
and may require the cooperation of both nerds and geeks.
Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most
responsible for minor fender benders,
while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes.
Please note that the percentage in these pie graphs do not add up to 100%
because the math was done by a woman.
For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was
written by a woman.
So, now you don't know what the hell to do, man.
No, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.
I'm thankful for women, Conan.
Oh, there you go.
The greatest creatures on Earth.
That's all right. We'll get behind that one.
I think women are more intelligent than men.
Also, uh, Conan, without women, there would be no cookies.
How many Polish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The question cannot be answered because Polish people are so fucking stupid
that no matter how many of them are available,
none of them would ever be able to complete that simple task.
This is a meta joke.
You're aware of these meta jokes?
How many comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many?
Two. One to do it, and the other guy to go,
how long has he been up there?
I like that.
On stage.
Yeah, because they were like, how long?
Oh, that's a good one.
Polish people, I remember the Poland,
do you remember they were trying to,
had something, they were trying to land on the sun.
Oh.
I was going to say that the Polish government
did actually try to land on the sun back in the night.
No, no, they didn't.
Yes, and they were ridiculed for it
because they said, they said,
you know, you'll burn up when you come anywhere near.
They said, we're going at night.
Who, who?
Oh, no.
Oh.
And come to think of it, I got addicted to you. Oh, no, no, no. And come to
think of it, I need somebody like you. Oh, no, no, no, I need someone like you.
Attitude. You have to say this with attitudes. You have to read ahead and use
your acting skills. I liked you in She-Devil.
Thank you. A study has found that men are just as likely as women to spread
gossip.
At least that's what I heard Rick tell Brad, who, by the way, has a crush on
Paddy.
All the racial things against Asians? Yeah, can you tell me them?
Well, Guy Aoki got mad at me one time. He's the head of the guys that get
defended in terms of Asians.
So just, well, tell me something. Well, he knows them the best. Oh, you do?
What about this one? I know the G word. The G word. Do you know the G one? Oh,
gook? Yes.
Well, you just said that, like, it came out so naturally. Oh, no, right about
that. You just said it just like, you know, secondhand gook?
I thought it was a term of endearment. It's not. But can I tell you guys, can I
tell you guys where?
You think that's like a fucking handshake. Tell me some of the Asian things
that, like, you know.
Uh, like the, yeah, small penis? No, no, no, no, like the names. No, names,
yeah.
Oh, uh, well, yellow. Yeah. Yellow? Yellow man, that's what you say. You made
that up.
Oh, no. Hey, yellow man, get out of my bar. I've never heard that.
No, that was just my fever. Guy runs out of the old one, so he has to make up
the new one. Come on.