Name: I Don't Get The Jokes
Uploaded: 2023-04-15T12:51:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Don't Get The Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'I Don't Get The Jokes' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-15. Transcript available.

Hey, World Cup. You watch the World Cup?
Oh, I'm wearing one.
I'm king here.
In World Cup soccer, Mexico defeated Caparone one to nothing.
Or as it's known in soccer, a blowout.
Yeah, very low scoring games.
Who wrote these, Yammy?
Can't find a joke you like.
You don't want to do a dirty joke.
Absolutely.
Here you go, sir.
Okay.
Police in Tennessee arrested a teenage girl
when they found a loaded handgun in her vagina.
When questioned, her boyfriend said,
I guess that explains why my cop...
I can't say that word.
I guess that explains why my cock kept getting blown off.
I don't get it.
A man in Chipata allowed a hyena to eat his penis
after being told by a witch doctor
that would help him become rich.
Is it me, or does it sound like that hyena
and witch doctor were in cahoots?
I think maybe they were in cahoots.
Who writes these?
Huh?
We should have this person locked up
and looked at, or at least looked at.
I like that one.
There you go.
Let's do it.
Let's do it funny.
This one's like two pages long and cut off at the end.
Come on, man.
Do your best.
Give it your best.
It's not even complete.
Give it your best shot, man.
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan
had a cameo on Anger Management last week
and managed to shock the cast and crew
by showing up on time and even early.
Later in the week,
the Mean Girls actress was looking decidedly chipper
as she posed on the red carpet
at a clothing store launch in Sao Paulo, Brazil.
Perhaps Lindsay is getting a jumpstart
on her upcoming mandatory 90-day rehab,
or maybe bartenders are just asking her
to land someplace else, knowing the way liquor --
What the fuck are you talking about?
Oh, here's the rest of that joke.
Ah.
Adam Egan, finishing off the joke.
Makes her fly.
Note.
You know I can understand why someone in show business
would want to drink liquor to soothe and steady her nerves.
That's why some people I know I drink liquor
and get so steady they can't even move.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Let's get back to Tom.
You wrote all these, Norm, or...?
Do you write --
Do you sit up and write all these, or...?
Music is the universal language,
but one day soon it will be replaced by Chinese.
Yeah.
That's right.
Hey, we got some jokes.
All right.
I wish that's all right.
But, you know, are these street jokes?
No, no, no, no.
So you wrote them?
They're not.
Someone wrote them.
Some of them wrote -- that you know?
Yes.
Some people in this room.
Okay, cool.
Some people in this room.
Thank you.
I don't want to say who,
because in case the joke doesn't work.
Okay, all right, so --
That's a -- that's a --
You can just read it.
You don't have to read ahead if you don't want.
There's nothing in there.
All right, I'll just read it then.
Yeah.
Boy, was it hot outside today.
I went out to buy a California Pizza Kitchen signature,
pepperoni frozen flatbread,
and by the time I got home,
it was perfectly cooked and entirely eaten.
100% true.
Oh, you ate it.
See, I love Bobby laughs.
I love Bobby laughs.
It's just cool here, man.
The sound of them are odd.
I'm not going to lie to you.
That's not a joke.
I stand up for my company's 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
It is a long way.
Wait, I got to get one that's going to make Bobby happy.
I don't like when he has skulls after that.
Hey, All My Children star Matthew Cowes.
You ever watch All My Children?
Sure.
Well, All My Children star Matthew Cowes
has died at the age of 69.
Or has he?
Oh.
It's a, what is All Children called?
Huh?
It's called a soap opera.
Yeah.
It's a soap opera.
Where do you get these jokes?
Ah, some guy.
Hey, a cowboy at a rodeo in Georgia
used his lasso to apprehend a gunman.
At least this is according to a recent segment
of America's hottest new game show,
Georgia Police Blotter,
or episode synopsis from Walker, Texas Ranger.
It's a long time.
I know.
Too long.
It wasn't beaded out properly.
Where did these come from?
The only thing certain in life
are death, taxes,
and getting caught whacking off
in that Target dressing room.
Are these your tips?
I've learned that hard.
You want to read a joke?
Yeah, man.
Who wrote these jokes?
We don't, we can't say.
I'd like to do something
about a film or something.
Oh, good.
How do you know that fact?
How do you know that fact?
I'm a good cheater.
Fast and Furious 6 opens next week.
The cast is getting a little older.
It's less Fast and Furious
and more like brisk and peeved.
Remember the good old days
back when MILF stood
for mentally ill ladies
I'd like to fuck?
That's right.
Do you have a writing staff?
Oh, yeah.
You do?
We have Steve O'Donnell.
These are really good.
To stop a pit bull
attacking her daughter,
a Texas man bit the dog.
Well, that's an interesting story.
A man bites a dog.
It's not what I would call news.
Man bites dog?
Yeah.
Used to be dog bites man.
Yeah.
Is that the joke?
No.
I don't get this.
I don't get it.
Do you write these for real?
These come from the fucking YouTube.
Are these in the audience
they write them?
Did you read them?
Did you write them
in the audience?
It's true.
It's true.
It's true.
Recent studies show
fish can communicate
with each other
using subtle physical gestures.
One of their most common messages
is let's leave this party early.
I don't know.
What is that?
Yeah.
What does that mean?
Well, it's a subtle,
it's fucking his joke.
I was at a party
with a friend
and so I noticed you first
and you returned my gaze
knew how to quench my thirst.
You took me to that room
like a dream come true.
The dance you performed
was just for me and you.
Kisses on the neck
and you work your way down.
Let yourself go
for me all around town.
But it feels so good.
Try to expand my vocabulary
by using new words
to give my arguments
more verisimilitude.
Today's word is expand.
Um, I get it,
I don't get it.
I love people
that say they don't get it
because, you know,
sometimes you tell a joke
and it goes,
uh, uh,
and then you explain it to them
and then they go,
I don't like it.
You don't get to not like it.
You didn't fucking get it.
This is the section
where we do jokes.
Do you want to read one?
Just read it to that camera
for the folks.
Well, don't read it.
No, no, out loud.
You have to read it out loud.
No, he didn't.
Oh, here, you read one.
All right.
You don't like that?
No, I mean, I like it.
Do you understand
that we're on the air?
Yeah.
Oh, right.
We all know
that the Swiss
are officially neutral.
Who wrote this?
Who wrote this?
Who wrote this?
Well, I screwed up my timing.
Who wrote this?
We don't have a name on it.
Do you have writers?
It's anonymous.
I didn't write it.
Well, I didn't write that one.
This one says,
remember the old days
when tweeting
meant stabbing a hooker?
Bob liked that one.
Super Dave,
why is there an app
for everything
except how to rape a baby?
Jesus.
Some gold-plated chains
would make a nice retirement gift
for a very, very good slave.
Are you serious?
Well, this was written
Are you serious?
This was written years ago.
Did you just write that?
I didn't write it.
Did you just say that?
No, I read it, yes.
You read that?
It was no old.
It was written obviously.
Oh, my God almighty.
I'm not part of this.
No, it was written before.
No, I'm not part of this.
No, you can't read that.
Well, what about this?
Go ahead.
I can prove God exists
if I can just find
that damn receipt
from our brunch in heaven.
That is so funny.
That is so fucking funny.
Oh, this one's actually topical.
We could nip March Madness
in the bud
if we watch for the warning signs
of brooding antisocial February fever.
Who is writing this?
You're doing this.
This is your life.
You're putting your life on.
You dress like horse shit tonight.
No, that was Adam Egan's fault.
That was Adam Egan's fault.
I told you to bring a wardrobe.
Some kind of a host coat.
But that was Adam Egan's fault.
You've got a thing with a hood.
But that was Adam Egan's fault.
But then you're reading these.
This is you.
Sure, junkyard dogs are mean,
but the meanest dogs
are generally found
guarding concentration camps.
And it says here,
there's a note,
early versions of the Jim Croce's
1973 smash hit,
Big Bad Leroy Brown.
Do you remember that song?
Tell the people the best.
No, do you know
what you just said?
It included...
Do you have any idea
what you just read?
This says...
No, did you have any idea
what you just read?
That junkyard dogs...
It was an anti-Semitic joke
about the concentration camps.
No, no, no, no.
Not anti-Semitic at all.
Oh, it's Semitic?
No.
You know, I know
what the problem is.
Did you write it?
I didn't write that.
Who wrote it?
They used the meanest dogs.
I don't know who wrote it,
but I think the problem
is that some people
might not know
what the concentration camps are.
Oh, concentration camps
were found in Poland.
Oh, my God.
Oh, fucking mighty.
Oh, my Christ almighty.
Please get my nurse.
I swear to God,
get her in here right now
and reel me away.
I'm trying to explain
to the folks how to...
You know what?
This is your first show
and these are the...
Well, I don't want to bring up
the systemic, you know,
extermination attempt
against the jury of Europe,
but this says
on this piece of paper
that bad, bad Leroy Brown
initially included the line
meaner than a concentration camp dog,
but Croce decided
it was unpleasant to the ear.
And it was also offensive
to Jews, gypsies,
and homosexuals.
Little did it matter,
Croce would be dead with it.
Well, this Lindsay Lohan
can't swim a stroke,
but she sure knows
every dive in town.
That one I liked.
That was my favorite.
I'm keeping this.
That is a favorite?
Did you write this?
I didn't write that one.
Read that one.
Call me an old softy,
but I'd prefer it
if you called me
a distinguished gentleman
with a flagging erection.
I don't like that one.
I'll read that one.
Why are you going to make me read all this?
Alfred the Great
may well be
the greatest monarch
in the history of...
Laver, can you find out
what the traffic is like
on the Santa Monica
going to the dead...
Do you know
the Harlem Shake?
Yeah, I've seen it
on every single commercial.
You've seen it.
Then you'll appreciate this joke.
I remember back
when the Harlem Shake
was just a black fella
holding me upside down
off a fire escape
trying to collect his money.
Can you find out
what the quickest way
is to the Santa Monica
freeway, please?
And don't call me again.
Super day.
I don't care about anything.
You don't call me again.
There's no last-minute fill-in.
There's nothing.
Okay?
Thank God
we're only reaching 50 people.
Wait, super day.
That's all I can do.