Name: Norm Macdonald's Son
Uploaded: 2023-05-18T00:02:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Son' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Norm Macdonald's Son' from I'm not Norm on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-18. Transcript available.

Here's Norm's son, Dylan.
Oh, hi.
I just wanted to say that my father loved dogs,
and he loved the second annual HGA Awards.
And that ever since he was a kid in the Ottawa Valley,
he always wanted to win a second annual HGA Awards.
And also to have a dog.
Thank you.
Remember, kids, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.
Unless he has candy, in which case he's probably a pedophile.
So, maybe not that one.
I'm on a seafood diet.
I see food, and if it's a fish, I eat it.
Meta.
Yeah.
I hate me.
It's tough, though.
There's so much sex.
I know you've got a family.
You've got a kid, right?
Yeah, I've got a beautiful little kid, Dylan.
How old is he?
He's three.
He's the greatest.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Is he like, uh, what, I mean, what, let's just end there.
How's your son?
You guys having fun together?
Are you doing this?
Oh, yeah.
We went to Disney World last week in Florida.
Oh, in Florida?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that place is great, man.
Yeah.
There are all these, like, goofies there, and Mickey Mouse, and Pluto, and Chip
and Dale.
Yeah, old Chip and Dale.
Yeah, they're all there.
And they don't, like, wander around like they used to.
No?
They keep them in, like, one place, and you have to line up to get, uh, and
even give
autographs, you know?
What the hell do you want an autograph from, you know, get an autograph from a
bitter college
student making four bucks an hour, you know?
But I didn't stand in line.
That was an hour line to get an autograph from one of these guys.
So I, I, uh, what I did is I got autographs from some of the characters that my
kids weren't
aware of that are at Disneyland.
Like, I got an autograph from, uh, Security Man guy, and, uh, Mr. Popcorn Stan,
you know?
They had a weird thing in that thing.
There was, yeah, a guy was, uh, taking a picture with his kid, and how, Goofy
was there, you
know?
Or, no, it was Mickey, Mickey Mouse.
Right.
And, uh, Mickey Mouse was taking a picture with a little two-year-old, and the
two-year-old's
father was taking the picture, and the kid, like, slipped out of Mickey's hands
and fell
down.
And, uh, fortunately, Mickey has giant shoes, so it protected the child from
smashing into
the concrete.
Right.
And it hit as he bounced off the shoe, you know?
And then there was bedlam.
Everybody was, like, scared and everything, and everybody was all worried and
yelling.
And meanwhile, Mickey has this big smile on his face.
He doesn't know it.
He can't change his expression, you know?
All he can do is, like, go, woo-hoo!
You have a son, also?
I have a son, yeah, a little older.
He's, uh, I want to say...
He's 10 or 15.
Yeah.
The point is this.
I want to give you a little advice.
First of all, they get less cute.
Oh.
I remember, uh, years ago, you told me that you were there for the birth of
your son, and
I always remember this.
And you said that was the most exciting thing you had ever participated in.
Do you remember that?
Yes.
Yes.
And then what happened?
I took crystal meth.
That's family time.
I find great pleasure in my son being happy.
Ah.
Hmm.
How old is your son?
He's, uh, what, 10, 15?
You liar!
He's six!
He's a six-year-old.
You just about, you had sex in the last 10 years.
No, no.
My son's 16 years old.
He's six.
No, he's 16 years old.
He's 16.
So, is he a confidant?
Do you call him, and, you know, do you ever share personal, you know, trials
and tribulations
and triumphs?
I would never do that to a child.
He's 16.
Well, I mean...
As you have said, he can't be a child forever.
When are you going to put the hard realities of life on him?
Um, well, that's an interesting question.
That is an interesting question, because I actually have love for my son.
Yes.
Like, deep, deep love.
He's your son.
And so, uh, um, I don't want to damage him with...
The way you were damaged.
With the harsh realities.
I don't know.
I had a great...
No, I'm a big brother.
I don't want to damage him with any viewpoints I may have, because he's not
ready yet for reality.
I think children aren't ready for reality for a while.
But I do tell him that education is pointless and things like that.
What does his mother say?
She thinks that he should go to college and stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He should.
And you're like, don't waste your money.
Yeah, I'm saying it's, it's just arbitrary nonsense.
You know, it's, I tell him even the classes he takes now, it's, it's just, it's
just ridiculous.
You know?
That algebra has no meaning and none of this stuff is...
Unless he becomes an engineer.
Well, unless he becomes...
Do you have no hope for this child?
Unless he becomes a math teacher, math professor.
But I mean, you know, the, you think it's a coincidence that they have six
subjects out of 10 billion that they teach in school?
And then you pick one of the 10 billion to focus on.
No, no, they have to, they don't teach you 10 billion.
You need basic math, you need basic language.
It's lovely when the school has art or music, which none of them do anymore.
It's a little P.E. to keep us from getting fat.
Yeah.
Well, science, some of the basic science stuff.
Sure they do.
Of course they do.
No, I tell him if he wants to go to college, he should, he should have a goal,
you know, to be...
He can't, he's 16.
No kid at 16 has a goal.
Their goal is like to be a rock star.
Or have sex.
Right.
I mean, that's actually the goal.
Does he want to have sex?
Or did you tell him, oh, I don't bother with that?
That's, that, there's nothing for you in that.
It's just repetitive.
It's over and over.
Same thing.
I would discuss something like that with him.
I hold him in too high esteem.
We are, we're super short on time.
I've already missed my traffic thing.
I'm fascinated.
I don't know whether to slap you or hug you.
Like, seriously, I feel like someone needs to shake you and knock some sense
into you.
We are going to take a short break.
Or maybe you.
What?
Maybe you.
Knock sense into me?
No, I'm doing fine.
I'm good over here.
Oh, me too.
No, you're not.
I'm telling you.
I know from broken people.
Norm MacDonald.
I was at a party with a friend.
I noticed you first.
And you returned my gaze.
Knew how to quench my thirst.
You took me to that room like a dream come true.
The dance you performed was just for me and you.
Kisses on the neck.
Then you work your way down.
Let yourself go for me all around town.
Seductively still perform.
But it feels so good.
What are the best things in your life right now?
The best thing is my son.